Chapter Text
Diggle switched off the lights in the kitchen and made his way to the couch. Oliver sat there staring at the game on the TV, but apparently he was lost in thoughts. The older man sat down beside his friend. Though the silence wasn't uncomfortable, the whole evening left him with so many questions. He had been surprised, when Oliver called and asked, if the invitation was still open and if he could bring Roy. Dinner itself had been pleasant with lots of laughter over little Sara's antics. Afterwards Lyla had been tired, so she went to bed quite soon. Roy had been around for some beers, but has left about a quarter of an hour before. So that left him sitting there beside Oliver, wondering what had brought the younger man here.
Finally Diggle couldn't stand it any longer. Subtlety never really worked between Oliver and him so he decided on a direct approach.
"So, Oliver... is there something you might want to talk about or do you need more time thinking it over and over in your head."
Oliver didn't answer at once, and John thought he may have been mistaken about his friend's frame of mind.
"They kissed." Two words, which held so much meaning and consequence.
John sighed. Though he knew exactly, who Oliver was talking about, he asked: "Felicity and Palmer?"
"Yeah. After we talked, I went to see her. It was strange walking in there and see the 'Palmer Technologies' logo everywhere. I was actually afraid, that security would not let me go upstairs to see her. I mean there is no longer my name on the building. They could..."
"Oliver, you babble." John smiled.
Oliver looked over and returned the smile, but it didn't reach his eyes. "She is in my old office now, did you know?" Not waiting for an answer, he continued: "I shouldn't have made her my executive assistant. She was absolutely overqualified for that. But it was convenient for me. I wanted to make my life easier by having her by my side. I needed her there. I gave her a job, she hated, but I made it look like I promoted her. How could I be so selfish?!"
"She didn't hate it. She wasn't overly enthusiastic at the beginning." Oliver snorted and John had to chuckle. "Ok, so yes, she was mad as hell. But she likes working with you and besides the real assistant work she had lots of her kind of stuff to do - in the office and at the foundry. If she really hated it as much as you think, you would have know, believe me. Felicity Smoak is not someone to hold back on her opinion."
They both had to smile and fell silent. Again it was Diggle, who had to prompt his friend to go on. "What happened, Oliver?"
"I came around the corner and saw them kissing in her office. She had her face in my direction, but her eyes were closed." Shaking his head to get the picture out of his mind Oliver closed his eyes. "It was like a kick in the guts. For a moment I couldn't move."
"Oliver, what did you do!" John was worried. The whole situation was destined to go south.
"Nothing." Oliver shook his head. "I did nothing. I took a step back. Back around the corner. Back to the elevator. Down to the lobby. I kind of been on autopilot on my way back to the foundry. I couldn't get that picture out of my head. The whole time I was like 'I have to go back' and 'I have to tell her'."
"But you didn't." John looked compassionately at the younger man.
"No, I was standing in that damn basement, staring at the floor, seeing that fern sitting on the desk. And suddenly I realized, that it wouldn't make a difference. I could go back to Felicity. I could tell her, that I love her." He now looked John directly in the eyes. "That is no longer the problem. I told her before. She knows. But she also knows, that I pushed her away. That I cannot be with her, not now. And that hasn't changed. I would again just dangling maybes."
John chuckled and turned serious again. "I am sorry. I'm not laughing at you. Just... 'dangling maybes'?"
Oliver smiled. "Felicity called it that. And she was right. I mean I told her, that I loved her, in order to let a mad man think, he outthought me. And when she tried to talk about it on the beach on Lian Yu, I said absolutely nothing. I just stood there thinking how remarkable she was. Then, after months of dancing around each other I finally took your advice and asked her out. And the date... It was the best date I ever had. There was no pretence. We already knew each other, including all our flaws and weaknesses. We just could be ourselves. I told her things about my past and it was neither difficult nor painful. It felt natural. As if it was meant to be." He closed his eyes. "And then this damn rocket reminded me, that loving her may not be enough. On the contrary, it may be her ruin."
"Don't you think, that's a little melodramatic. She barely had a scratch. She...".
"I thought she was dead." Oliver sat with his head down. "When I first saw her. I... could barely hear anything from the explosion. I just saw all the blood on her face. I moved over to her and tried to hear her heartbeat, but couldn't. Then I finally felt her pulse... weak, but steady. But it was enough. In those few moments I thought she was dead, that my crusade had killed her." He finally opened his eyes and looks directly in Diggle's. "I pulled back. I pushed her away, almost immediately after she woke up. But that wasn't the worst I did. Has she told you?"
Diggle shook his head. "She told me, that you broke up with her, but nothing specific." He thought about, what could be worse than ending their relationship before it began. "Has it anything to do with the dangling maybes?"
Oliver nodded. "It was in the hospital, after Lyla gave birth to Sara. I told her I couldn't be with her now, perhaps never - that I couldn't be the Arrow and Oliver Queen. And she didn't want this uncertainty - the maybes. She started to babble and kind of demanded from me to tell her I didn't love her."
"And did you?"
"No. In that moment I got carried away. I kissed her. And again it was perfect. Meant to be. And when I ended the kiss and we opened our eyes, I saw a flicker of hope in hers. I told her to not asked me to say I don't love her. And I saw the hope disappear. She turned around and left and I let her."
"And since then...?"
"After Sara's death, we talked, but it just increased our distance. She asked me how I could be so cold, so rational. I was barely holding it together, but - as I told her then - I couldn't let myself feel. I had to be strong, because everyone was looking at me to lead."
"Sara's death had a huge impact on all of us. But, Oliver, you are allowed to feel."
"Yeah, she told me the same. That I was still a human being."
"You are."
"But back then, I couldn't let myself... When I looked at Sara's body, I thought, that this would probably be my future. Someday it would be me, lying on that table. Dead in that basement."
"You told her that, too?"
"Yes, and should have known her reaction. She said, that she couldn't wait down there with me for that day and that she wanted more from life."
"So, that's why she suddenly accepted Palmer's job offer. I always wondered."
"We didn't really talk after that. I made a comment about my feelings for her during her mum's visit. But that's it!"
Oliver stood up from the couch and went to window, starring out into the darkness.
John already learned a lot about his friend's complicated relationship tonight, but he still wanted to know, how Oliver ended up having dinner with them. "So... you saw them kiss."
Turning around Oliver looked slightly sheepish. "I was ready to trash the foundry."
Diggle's eyebrows shot up. "But you didn't, right?"
"No, I only shoved some things off the desk, but that was it, because Roy came in. My first thought then was an excessive training session with Roy to blow of some steam. My usual course of action. Spending hours loosing myself in that basement..."
Without noticing John repeated his last question: "But you didn't?"
"Do you remember, what you said, when I told you, that I didn't want to die in that basement."
"I remember. I said; ''Then don't!'."
Oliver sat down again. "That's kind of the reason I came over here with Roy tonight. I still don't want to die in that damn basement. So I need to leave it. Don't get me wrong. I am not giving up being the Arrow, but 'He' cannot be all that I am. And I realised the same goes for Roy. He has to deal with a lot - the death of that officer, Thea... It isn't enough, that I don't abandon him. He also needs something outside this basement, a life."
Both men sat in silence for a while, before John couldn't hold back any longer.
"So, Felicity..."
"I am still not ready. I cannot be what she wants me to be. Not right now and perhaps not ever. I can still only offer her maybes. But tonight I realized, what I have to do. As much as I love her, I have to get myself sorted out first. I have to find out where I stand, who I am as the Arrow and as Oliver Queen."
"You might lose her. When she really falls for Palmer..."
"I know, believe me, I know." Oliver closed his eyes. "I will not hide, how I feel about her. But I cannot demand anything from her right now. It wouldn't be fair. Felicity deserves more than maybes. So I will be her friend and get comfortable with her again. Then - maybe - ..." He smiled and this time it reached his eyes. "... someday I will have sorted out my own life and be ready to be, what she wants, what she deserves."
John was quiet for almost a minute. Then he raised his beer to Oliver, waited for him to do the same and said: "To first steps, may many more follow. And to Oliver Queen, may he be found soon." They clinked their bottles and took a swing. Inwardly Diggle added 'And to Felicity Smoak, may she not stop believing'.