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Untamed Fall fest Day 2: family
Go under and come up again
A Yuan has always nursed a phantom ache in his heart. Or at least, he thought it was phantom until recently.
His heart would constrict, his days drowned in emptiness. He had always thought that the ache was to align with his Baba’s anguish. Hanguang Jun was always present, always kind, always righteous, always around for A Yuan.
He made A Yuan food, he snuck him candies, he buried him in piles of bunnies. He would let A Yuan sit on his lap for hours and let him test his fingers across Wangji.
His practice sword was fashioned by his baba. His first guqin string was tuned by his Baba.
When he moved into disciple quarters, it was with an easy assurance that he could walk into Jingshi anytime. His father packed his things, talisman papers, and ink brushes, and his grass toys.
By all means, Hanguang Jun’s steadfastness surprised other disciples his age. Even having both, a set of parents instead of just Baba, some of them were always a little taken aback by the bond that tied A Yuan and Hanguang Jun.
And yet, A Yuan had never needed his courtesy name to realize that his father hurt constantly. Not from the wounds in the back, but from inside.
So, when A Yuan hurt, and when he looked hard for the shadows that came to engulf him and grasped at nothing, or maybe something phantom; he had wondered if you could inherit sadness.
Nightless City, if it could be called a settlement anymore, did not rankle any memories.
Ning Shushu tells him that it is not surprising. A Yuan had never been here.
But Wen blood runs through his veins, this was the seat of his family; A Yuan feels that it at least ought to tickle a little something.
Everything about the place is alien. The residence of his family is intact, if overgrown weeds and crumbling walls are overlooked.
Ning Shushu points things out.
They search for spaces where a cenotaph could go, or a memorial would make sense. A Yuan feels very little. He has not walked these corridors. And as much as Ning shushu is guiding him through the old walls, his stories sound like their family regretted any walk through these corridors too.
His family healed people. A Yuan has never been inclined towards the healing arts. He does not know what he wanted to be, as a child, or even when he grew up.
He knew he wanted to be something that would temper the anguish his father carried. He wanted to be something that mirrored his father in his righteousness. He wanted to be motley of things that didn’t mirror his father but always brought a tint of warm nostalgia in his father’s eyes. The eyes would get wet, but they appeared less wilted.
A Yuan had not inherited sadness. He had drowned in it as a child. Ducked and tried to gasp up for air, and the only thing that held on, that had delayed the drowning had come in the form of Xian Gege, the lotus trying to not sink as he held on to A Yuan.
Xian Gege had held onto him for as long as he could. He had held others, family of A Yuan above everything even as the world was pushing them down to the abyss.
But he knows he went under and came up again. He did not come whole, shedding pieces of himself, memories behind. He does not know their count, to be able to find them all again.
He wondered how many people willingly drowned themselves in the hopes that he would not drown. He does not know their names. He does not even remember those faces well. He had not recognized Xian Gege or mourned Qing gugu or known that Ning Shushu had been killed trying to protect…He remembers a bit of Granny now. But he cannot complete a picture.
Nightless City leaves them both more restless. That is not the outcome they envisioned. In the end, they leave the city without leaving a mark.
A Yuan does not think it’s even his place to demand things. As eager as he has been to rejuvenate a connection, he knows that he does not have the same rights on the family as Ning Shushu does.
They make camp in the woods.
“Did it bring bad memories?” Ning Shushu gently asks after the quiet goes on for too long.
He is perceptive and A Yuan does not like to lie.
“No,” He pipes out despondently, “It did not bring any memories.”
Ning Shushu blinks, “and that upsets you.”
It is not a question. In fact, his gentleness always reminds him of Baba. But while A Yuan knows the iron, the ice, the fury his father guises in himself, he thinks Ning Shushu is an endless pool of tender patience.
“It does not upset you? The last blood heir of Wens does not know anything. Does not remember most things. Don’t I owe that to my family, my blood? They all tried so hard to make me live.” A Yuan has rarely had meltdowns. He was always precocious, well-adjusted.
“It does not,” Comes back softly.
A Yuan just stares. He knows he is on the cusp of being considered a grown-up, but he feels like a little child, with eyes wide open, and tears pooling in his eyes.
“No one sacrificed things for you because you had the wen blood running in your veins. They did it because you were a child that they cherished and loved. Blood does not make family, A Yuan.”
A Yuan just kept looking at him intently.
“Wei Gongzi always looked out for me. He knew my sister and I were sent to spy. He knew the things our uncle was getting up to. He did not hold it against us. In fact, he was kinder and affectionate than anyone I know. Even JieJie would sometime doubt my abilities, fret about me, but it was Wei gongzi who believed in me. He went against Wen Chao to defend my archery skills. One of them was my blood, the other is the man who has taught me the most about family. “
“Wei Gongzi does not share his blood with anyone. The Jiangs were not his blood. We were never his blood. It did not stop him from loving them as he did. It did not stop him from loving and protecting us. He had not even met your parents. Yet Granny told me a few days with you, he went around telling people that he had birthed you. He simply cared and gave love. We never wanted, none of us ever wanted you to feel this way.”
Ning shushu’s voice is soft, patient.
A Yuan manages to croak out through the streams of tears down his cheeks, “What did you want for me? I am no healer. I am not…”
“We wanted you to live. We wanted you to be loved. We wanted, we hoped that you would get to live your life.”
A Yuan looks on in confusion.
“None of us were under any misconception that we were living on borrowed time. JieJie and I had taken part in the war. The others were old, crippled by the war. They did not hope to live longer. Their only wishes towards the end were for you to be able to live a happy life, and for Wei Gongzi to not suffer for the choices he made to protect us.”
A Yuan lets out a strangled sob. He does not know what he is crying for. He still cannot picture their faces, but something is crushing his heart. How can he be so loved by people he does not even remember?
“This is beyond what we imagined. Hanguang Jun raising you, for you to be so loved, so gentle, so accepting. Wei Gongzi and I thought you dead. We probably held out a little kindle of hope of you being alive. Wei Gongzi blamed himself. You being alive is a miracle. We would have been happy if you were raising chickens in a farm if you were doing it with a smile. Now, you are the first Disciple of Gusu Lan, so well-liked by your peers, so gracious…I know everyone who fought for your life is smiling from above. ”
“I do not know anything about being a Wen,” A Yuan cries out.
“I was never much of a Wen. Wei Gongzi is not a Wen. Your Baba is not a Wen. They are two of the best people I know. It is fortuitous that you resemble them and not our cousins.” Ning Shushu tells patiently.
“I miss them,” He croaks out without meaning to.
“Your fathers miss you too.” Ning Shushu said kindly, “We can start our journey towards them at dawn.”
“But the memorial?” A Yuan protests. He will not be so self-centered.
“Your happiness was always our primary concern, A Yuan. They have waited for a few years for a memorial, they can wait for some more time.” There was a smile there.
A Yuan just sniffled, letting himself wonder a bit.
Ning shushu continued “And it has taken coming back to this city to make me realize that this was never home. This was prison. We were not Qishan Wen. We always hoped to leave and be happier in our mountain, and that is on the way to Gusu.”
“Dafan mountain, the dancing goddess?” A Yuan asks.
Ning Shushu nods.
“I don’t remember their faces.” A Yuan blurts out, “I mean could you tell me about them?”
Ning Shushu nods happily before launching into a story.
It is when A Yuan is almost asleep, that Ning shushu said, “We should ask Wei Gongzi to come too. He was their family too, he should be able to mourn. And he is a better artist than either of us. He could paint their faces for you.”
“Why did you not ask him earlier?” A Yuan asks, only curious.
“He has spent a lifetime going away from your Baba. And your Baba has lived without him long enough. The thing about Wei Gongzi is he always thinks of everyone else’s happiness before his own. And just this once, I thought I would not give him any choice besides Hanguang Jun.” Ning Shushu said.
A Yuan lets out a snort in the middle of his yawn, “He was wearing Baba’s inner robe…”
“Ah nephew, you need to know their sordid history for the context. You did not spend your teenage years watching them moon after each other and as JieJie said ‘be sanctimonious idiots’. But well, I tried,” Ning Shushu mumbles, or maybe A Yuan is already halfway to sleep.
It’s fine. They have time.
FIN