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A bright, sunny day cast light down on the world. Through the branches of the Demon Tree, it filtered out green and splashed on the face of the woodcutter toiling away at the bottom. He was nearly finished with his sacred task—his Calling. With each swing of the elegant, matchless Blue Rose Sword, the flaxen-haired boy placed a sizeable cut through the trunk of the monstrous Gigas Cedar. One more swing. Two. Soon, the tree would fall, and he’d be free to go wherever he pleased as he took up a new Calling of his own choosing.
Take the sword from him.
The tree gave out a terrible groan as the last swing removed more of its life. The woodcutter and I scrambled away from the tree as it began to fall. What a miraculous feat this was. For several generations, the woodcutters before him hadn’t even placed but a small nick in the tree’s bark. Now, with the power of experience in battle and training that raised his Object Control Authority, a simple woodcutter had become someone powerful enough to bring the Demon Tree to the ground. And there it sat, a testament to the sin I’d committed in convincing him to do so.
Stay here. Choose a simple Calling.
Naturally, he’s overjoyed. He’s free, after all. Who wouldn’t be so overjoyed? And the town of Rulid with him. Everyone is singing and dancing and drinking their fill. The festivities are so grand, I forget that this is a poor village that’s never known money or comfort. They’re simple people, throwing a simple celebration. It’s quite pleasant and wonderful, but I dread what happens next. Will my words reach him? They did too strongly when I spoke then. He never considered the outcomes, nor had I. As he stood up on the stage, being congratulated for his feat, I felt my heart twist violently in my chest. His village elder turns to ask him what his new Calling will be.
Anything but that. You have to stay here! You can’t leave Rulid!
A swordsman, he says. He wants to go to Centoria to be a swordsman. Such a fine Calling. The village doesn’t seem pleased with his decision. In retrospect, I don’t either. He should have stayed here and helped his family on the farm. Look at their displeased faces—they long for you to stay. Ah, but he won’t listen to me now. He chose his path. He has someone he wants to save. He goes to Selka, and he makes a promise that rends my heart in two.
“Kirito and I will return with Alice. That’s a promise.”
I shake my head.
No, you fool. Stay here! Stay away from me!
But his progress is good. The tournament in Zakkaria goes so well. We’re winners, the both of us. Our skills improve as guards. He has so much potential. As I watch him practice with the sword, I know he’ll be great. And I know he was great. His passion and his skill grew so much from the humble woodcutter I met so long ago on that sunny day. As we moved into the dorms at the academy, I think to myself that maybe I didn’t have to ask him to stay in Rulid. No, it was here…it was at these dorms where he should have remained.
But what’s this? He’s angry. He’s so angry. Angry at the wicked hearts of other humans. I understand his pain. Those horrible men, doing such horrible things. It made me sick too, my friend. You should have stayed your sword. You should have let me take on the burden. But now blood has been spilled. It’s on your sword. It’s on your shirt. It’s on your hands.
It’s running down your right cheek.
Why didn’t you leave it to me?
What a noble heart, the heart of this simple woodcutter. I could never fault him for being so kind…so human. Why was I so blind to how this all would go? With each step closer to the cathedral, my soul called out to the two young men racing up it with a mission for justice. Why wouldn’t they stop? Why wouldn’t they listen? The goddess at the top of the tower is too strong for them. As such, their blades eventually turn on one another. My sword pierces his skin, and his mine. A pointless fight, all for what? To save him.
I already failed at that.
She’s far too powerful. Our blood stains the marble floor. It’s warm against that surface. We’re all dying, but we’re not. We’re saved…no, now another is dying. There’s no way to save this one. And another—impossible to save. Two deaths, and then yet another, but not for our side. So much blood. We should turn back.
Turn back.
Turn back.
He will not. His determination is strong. He’s thrusting himself at her with everything he has. I know how this ends even as I watched it for the first time. I reach out my hand, begging him to stop. I can see my mouth wide open, screaming his name. The delicate sound of glass cracking fills my ears. I want to rip the sound out of them, but that’s just another impossible thing. The cracking continues. It intensifies. It turns into shattering. All of the breath has left my lungs. Now, clattering. Glass shards on the floor. A spell undone.
Blood.
So much blood.
I pick up what’s left of my best friend. This was my fault. I cradle him in my arm. This was all my fault. He isn’t going away peacefully. I caused this. He’s in pain and his life is vanishing in my arm. It’s all my fault. He’s taking his final breath against my chest. How could I do something like this?
He’s gone.
He’s gone, and his blood is on my shirt.
I did this.
I lead him here.
I killed him.
I killed my best friend.
“EUGEO!”
I blinked my eyes and stared across the room, panting as though I’d been running for hours. As I gasped for air, I tried to orient myself. I was back in my room in Japan. I wasn’t in the Underworld. It was a Saturday. Suguha was in her room fast asleep, and Asuna was spending the night downstairs. I pulled myself out of the bed. My body was shaking. I wanted to go and curl up by her side, but my body didn’t want to move. I submitted and fell back down onto the bed. I picked up my phone and sent a quick text asking for her. I set it back down and curled up into a ball.
My heart felt so heavy. How many times had I had this nightmare since returning from that world? How many times had I longed for a world in which all of my memories of the Underworld had been taken from me? The pain of losing him felt like a dagger in my chest. He was the first person I had truly been myself with. Not even Asuna could separate Kirito from Kazuto. But he met me as one and the same. There was no division between the “real me” and the “hero of Aincrad.” I was just his friend.
I let out a stressed sob into my pillow. I thought I’d known what it meant to lose someone I cared about. As I’d watched Sachi disappear into a cloud of glittering shards, I thought I’d understood the worst pain imaginable. But with Eugeo, as I’d held him against me, knowing there was no way to save him as he slowly faded from the world, the pain felt so much more intense. Was it because I’d spent so much time with him? A whole second childhood bound us together from across separate worlds. Severing our bond was akin to cutting out one’s own heart.
Gentle pressure lighted on my back. I flinched at the touch. A hand pulled hair away from my face, despite it being shoved into the pillow. I turned my head, allowing Asuna to see my tear-stained face. She gave me a smile, probably meaning to lift my spirits. I blinked and felt more tears run down my cheeks. The image of the blood on Eugeo’s right cheek returned to my mind. I clutched the pillow tighter and choked on a sob. Asuna stroked my back, never once telling me to stop crying.
“Do you want to talk about it, Kirito-kun?” she asked.
Her voice was soft and kind and warm. I felt her hand move up to stroke my hair now.
“It’s okay if you don’t,” she said. “But I’ll listen if you do want to talk.”
I just gave her a meek nod. I wasn’t sure what to say. My heart ached and longed for Eugeo in an inexplicable way. I didn’t want it to sound the wrong way to Asuna. How could I feel guilty as I lay here mourning the death of the person closest to my soul? It made me let out a small laugh amidst my tears. I felt so pathetic.
“I killed him, Asuna…” I said, my voice wavering. “I killed my best friend.”
She picked me up off of the bed and pulled me against her chest. Her embrace was warm. I grasped onto her nightshirt and buried my face in her chest. One of her hands wrapped around my back, and the other continued to stroke my hair as I let out a wail. Unlike me, she was steady. Her body wasn’t shaking violently the way mine was. I found it comforting that she could remain so calm when I felt so worked up. I felt her kiss the top of her head.
“You did not kill him,” she whispered. “Unless it was you who turned your sword on him and took his life, you did not kill him, Kirito-kun.”
I shook my head.
“No! No, it’s all my fault!” I cried. “I took him away from his village and dragged him along with me!”
I stopped to sniffle and draw in my breath.
“I led him up those stairs and to his final resting place,” I said, my voice weaker this time. “I killed Eugeo…I killed him…just like I killed Sachi and Keita and—”
Asuna wrapped her arms around my head, pulling me tighter against her body. I wanted to protest and continue to berate myself for bringing harm to Eugeo, but she held me tightly and shook her head.
“Don’t say that, Kirito-kun,” she said. “Eugeo chose to fight beside you. He accepted the weight of the burden of battle just the same as you did. His death was not your fault. He knew it might happen, and he accepted it, right?”
I thought about his pale face, with that distant expression on it as he lay on the floor dying. Sure, he’d accepted death, but he shouldn’t have had to. He should have had the hope of victory just around the corner. We should have left the battle together, three friends reunited at long last. Things weren’t supposed to go that way. I should have turned him away the moment I knew there was no turning back for me. I had a body outside of that world that would walk away from the death in that one. He only had one life to live. His life ran out on that floor, and only lingered for a small time until it was finally spent at the end of the war.
“You take the burden of everyone’s deaths on your shoulders still,” Asuna said. “You sit here, and you cry, ‘it’s my fault, it’s my fault,’ until your tears run out and your throat feels dry. You’re always the same, you know. For every life you didn’t save, you carry that life on your shoulders, telling it that you’re sorry every day and night, awake and asleep.”
She stroked my hair again.
“But none of these deaths are your fault,” she continued. “Everyone who died in SAO fought because they wanted to change their fate. And the same can be said of Eugeo. He fought to change fate. He fought because he wanted to. If you continue to blame yourself for his death, aren’t you telling him that his reason to fight was unfounded?”
I swallowed and thought about her words.
“Don’t take his desires away from him because you feel responsible for his death,” she said. “In the end, you were exactly where you needed to be for him: by his side, right?”
I nodded.
“I stayed by his side until he finally faded from the world,” I said, choking on a laugh. “In the time we were together…in those two years…the only time we were apart was when Alice and I fell…and he…”
I pursed my lips. Becoming an Integrity Knight was Eugeo’s greatest shame in life. Even now, I couldn’t tell Asuna about that. It would be unfair to him to tell someone other than Alice about that. That secret would die with me. And, if Alice was capable of passing on, I hoped that she would respect that secret all the same.
“Just that short time,” I whispered. “From when we fell…to when we were reunited and turned our swords on Administrator together.”
Asuna hummed and rubbed my back.
“And did he regret that final fight?” she asked.
Her question sounded silly from my perspective. Wouldn’t anyone regret a fight they lost? But the more I thought about it, the more I recalled how peaceful his dying face appeared. There was no anger in his face. There was no regret. He just gazed at me until he could no longer see and smiled. His voice had been soft and barely above a whisper. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t sad. He sounded fulfilled.
Tears started to brim in my eyes again. This wouldn’t change the fact that I missed him. I missed his smile. I missed his tone when he told me off. I missed those moments where he would tease me back. I missed watching him give his all to learn the sword and better himself. As the new tears spilled down my cheeks, I wondered when this pain would ever go away. Simply accepting that it wasn’t my fault wasn’t going to heal the gaping wound in my heart.
I missed my best friend.
“I wanted to bring him here, Asuna,” I said, getting choked up again. “I wanted you to meet him. I wanted everyone to meet him. I wanted him to be surrounded by good friends who loved him. I was going to introduce him…”
The words caught in my throat, hesitant to come out.
“I was going to introduce him as my best friend,” I said.
If there was a way to cling to her even tighter, I was doing it now. Another sob finally escaped from my throat. I wanted the pain to go away. I was sick of it. I wanted to go to Rath and beg them to wipe Eugeo from my memory. If living with his loss had to hurt this badly, then I didn’t want any part of it.
“I know how you feel,” Asuna said. “Yuuki was my best friend for a very short time. Having her torn away from me by the cruelty of her situation hurts even now.”
I lifted my head off of her chest and met her eyes. I hadn’t realized. Asuna understood my pain. Here I was, being so selfish. But she was smiling at me, in no way offended. She cupped my face in her hands.
“Do you ever want to erase the memory of her?” I asked.
Asuna shook her head.
“No,” she said.
I swallowed.
“But it hurts, doesn’t it?” I said. “It hurts so much. How can you bear it?”
She gave me a knowing smile. Her eyes appeared to have tears forming at the brim of her lashes.
“Because Yuuki wants me to live on and live my life to the fullest,” she said. “I know Eugeo wants the same for you. He wants you to live on for him. Remember all of the good that happened between you and smile. It will hurt. I don’t know how long it will hurt. But these memories of Yuuki and Eugeo are precious memories, Kirito-kun. We must treasure them and honor our friends by living full lives for them.”
I sniffled and nodded my head, unable to form a response. She pulled me into another hug, telling me I could cry on her for as long as I needed to. I just nodded my head into her shoulder and tried to focus on her touch and her scent. They calmed me down, even though I still felt an aching feeling in my chest.
I miss you every day, Eugeo. But I will try to live on for you.
It felt as if a gentle breeze lifted my bangs away from my face. I opened my eyes. My window wasn’t open.
But I thought I caught a glimpse of flaxen hair and bright, green eyes looking back at me for a moment.
Those eyes were smiling.
I clutched Asuna tighter.
When I opened my eyes, the green eyes were gone.
I buried my face once again in Asuna’s shoulder.
Sayonara, Eugeo.
I will always love you.