Work Text:
Remus wrote furiously on the sheet of paper. The lines of a new story in Thomas’s mind formed with each stroke of the pencil. Remus had learned very quickly when he was younger that writing everything in pen like he did at first only made mistakes harder to correct. He had just wanted to impress the other sides, but they hadn’t really cared about the process of his work past the product he created.
But now his friends enjoyed coming in to see his progress, now they loved to watch the pieces stitch together. Remus always was praised and patted on the back when anyone sat in on his writing sessions. If Remus was honest, it was getting to his ego a bit.
Remus wiped sweat from his mustache. His writing tired him out more than it would in reality. Remus was the embodiment of Thomas’s creativity (or a part of it.) So each time he worked and Thomas used his creative muscle, Remus was exercising the very foundation of who he was, which is bound to tire you out eventually.
But Remus? He was fine.
He was just fine. Remus could ignore the pain and finish this. He had to, for Thomas!
Remus’s breathing became heavier and heavier. The breaths grew into pants and then into huge gasps of air.
He was fine.
Remus’s hand started to cramp up, halting his writing in its tracks for a moment. Remus winced, cradling his left hand with his right hand. But he didn’t bemoan the temporary loss of ability, he just simply switched hands and began to write with his right hand. Again, this was another adaptation of Remus’s from nights up writing, days and days of nonstop writing that utterly exhausted him for every second he stayed up.
He was fine.
Remus had to be fine. For Thomas!
He was fine. He was fine He was fi-
Knock. Knock.
Remus jumped nearly three feet in the air when there were two knocks at his door. It was very measured and just the right balance of quietness and force. There were only two people who knocked like that. Self-Preservation and Repression.
Remus didn’t want it to be Self-Preservation because he didn’t want a lecture that he needed to prioritize some self-care every once and awhile. That was just Janus’s way of saying you should take time for self care right that instant or he would make you, Remus frowned. He was perfectly content continuing to create and not dealing with Janus’s bullshit right then.
The other option was Repression. Remus’s pencil stopped on the page as he pondered. Repression was good at seeing things that no one else did, and sometimes at the right time he was able to use that against all of them.
Remus still remembered crying at all of his unfinished or abandoned works when Repression had come around in the greater discussion. Luckily it wasn’t with Thomas, but he still appeared like a ghostly apparition and everyone was suddenly a sobbing mess.
But… did Remus really hate Repression? He did when they were younger.
Remus had always been angry when Repression repressed him. It was incredibly disorienting to feel that cloying sense of overwhelming drowsiness when he or anyone was repressed. He hated back then when he dragged himself into bed only to slowly wake up and it was a few days to even three weeks later at the most. Sometimes it made him ache for days in a way that Remus’s usual exercises for Thomas’s creative muscle could never dream of inflicting.
It was like a sting etched into his very skin, even thought there was no sign of anything on the outside.
That didn’t happen much though, not the full on shut down, but there were moments when Repression's influence clung to him like a 50 pound weight wherever he went..
But hate? That was a strong word for a Side. Dislike? That sounded more accurate.
Remus didn’t realize he’d been sitting staring at the half finished for nearly a minute until he heard another two measured knocks on the door. The knocks jolted him from his reverie. He fumbled with his pencil when it fell from his fingers. Remus couldn’t stop it when it quietly clattered against his desk, confirming Remus was actually in the room for Repression.
Remus huffed, stomping over to the door just to get things over with.
He yanked open the door, jumping when Repression nearly fell through the door. Repression had been apparently leaning against the door a little, which is what caused him to fall through.
“Whoa!” Remus exclaimed as he grabbed Repression's arm, the soft fabric of the hoodie around his neck brushing up against him.
But the moment he touched Repression, thoughts he never wanted to see began to flood through his mind. The painful rejection he faced when his work wasn't appreciated before, the feeling of being abandoned and left to rot in the back of Thomas’s mind. The shameful thoughts and everything that Remus wanted stayed buried sprang to the forefront.
Roman.
That name sounded familiar, probably because his brain thought it up in the first place. Wait…
Remus’s finger spasmed against Repression’s arm.
Roman, that was his brother’s- no, his twins name. How… how had he forgot-?
Remus opened his eyes (when did he even closed them?) to make eye contact with Repression. A curl of anger grew in his gut, but it was small.
Remus watched his memories. His feelings were a confused mix of nostalgia and confusion as Remus experienced the memories as they had just happened and yet some part of him had known about this all along.
He didn’t just see that though. Remus’s mind raced as he was shown all of the happy memories of his and his twin, but he saw how he had fought with Roman too. In the background, he saw Repression watching them both, a pained expression on his face as he watched Roman yell at Remus. Every time Roman lashed out at Remus, Repression was there, and suddenly Remus had barely remembered the event. Both of them, Roman and Remus seemed to forget every time, but it kept happening, as if it was an inevitable destination for them to end up fighting.
Remus watched as Repression spoke to him in hushed tones, asked Remus if he wanted to forget his brother after they had had a particularly bad fight. Remus had wiped his tears from his eyes and said yes. And suddenly all of that hurt was gone… but so was his twin.
But… he saw what Repression had to do. Whether to let him and Roman suffer fighting over and over or make sure they didn’t remember so they couldn’t keep hurting each other.
Sure, he had personal feelings now that he remembered. But as he looked into Repression’s eyes, he didn’t see any malice, just... pain. The same pain Remus felt and it clicked.
Remus' eyes leaked two single tears as he blinked furiously, trying not to burst out crying in the doorway.
Repression felt everything they repressed, he saw it in Repression’s eyes. Endless pain but also past that… there a gentle serenity that could only come from holding that burden with the knowledge that if he held their burdens, they wouldn’t have to do it themself.
Repression squirmed in surprise. He panicked as Remus held tight to his arm. It only mounted on Repression’s face when he saw the tears streaming down Remus’s face.
“No! No no nonono! Let go Remus, please! You don’t want to know. Please save yourself.” Repression yanked at Remus’s hand, only able to pry Remus’s hand off his arm when he did so to close the door behind them.
Repression’s eyes went wide as Remus closed the door. His expression became more panicked as he realized he was closed in with Remus.
“Remus, please, I’m sorry. I never meant- I just wanted to- Don’t hurt me…” Repression cowered as Remus slowly moved towards him. When Remus was within arms reach Repression trailed off, as if bracing for Remus to hurt him.
Instead, Remus slammed Repression into a hug. He winced once as more of his repressed feelings and memories flooded back into him. Repression tried to pull away, but Remus held tight, not letting him go.
Repression eventually stopped, just standing there dumbly as Remus held Repression tight.
“You… you remember? And.. you’re not mad? Everything? But I…” Repression’s voice was broken, and Remus’s heart panged as Repression didn’t seem to know what to do with his arms.
“No, I understand. You had to make a hard decision and I can’t fault you for making a choice. It’s okay, Repression. You can… uh… hug me back if you want.”
Repression was silent a moment before he spoke, “Um… what’s a hug?”
Remus’s arms clinged tighter to Repression, which only made Repression’s breath hitch more as Remus felt the last of his burden on Repression flow into him.
“You’ve never had a hug before? This is a hug, Repression.”
Remus smiled as he felt Repression's arms clumsily wrap around Remus. He pulled back just enough to see Repression’s eyes a little less sad, a little less tired, a little less of everything. Repression surprised Remus as he buried his face into Remus’s shoulder, finally returning the full hug with a firm squeeze.
Repression’s voice dropped to a whisper, “I like it, I wish I could do this more…”
Remus smirked, “Well, you don’t see me complaining do you?”
“No.”
“Then hug me as long as you like, I’m here for you, you’re not going anywhere anytime soon.”
Repression’s grip stuttered before he fully relaxed into Remus’s embrace. Remus’s burden on him finally lifted. Remus still felt the pain in Repression’s face as his forehead was still furrowed and tight. But it was the first time in a long time that Remus could tell Repression was finally able to relax.
Repression’s voice was quiet and small, but it was music to Remus’s ears.
“Okay.”