Work Text:
1.
His sister’s funeral is held two days after the Sunshot Campaign.
Jiang Cheng insisted on holding her funeral in Lotus Pier, but she belonged in Lanling Jin, next to her husband’s grave, that much Madam Jin said, and Jiang Cheng was tired of fighting after doing it for days. Even though his sister’s body won’t be next to their parents, their ancestors, at least they will have their good memories, her laughter and her kindness, in their halls.
Madam Jin watches him wearily when he stopped insisting, kept watching him through the entire ceremony with something akin to worry in her eyes. Jiang Cheng wouldn’t know, he could not look at her for too long, ashamed, that Wei Wuxian, his brother, caused so much grief to her clan, and Jiang Cheng did nothing to stop him.
He couldn’t even deliver the final blow like a coward, a shame to the Jiang Sect, a failure.
“Sect Leader Jiang,” Madam Jin calls him once the ceremony is over, gesturing for him to follow her steps towards the place that once belonged to her son and his wife, “I want you to take him with you.” She says, opening the door, and Jiang Cheng frowns, confused, when she insists the maid deposits the little baby in his arms.
Jin Ling is sleeping peacefully, but when Jiang Cheng closes his arms around him, the baby opens his eyes slowly. Jiang Cheng braces himself for the screams that don’t come, Jin Ling simply waves his little hands around and keeps staring at him, almost curious.
Jiang Cheng only held him once, two days after he was born, and under his sister’s watchful eyes. He remembers being nervous, scared of hurting that tiny, defenceless being, but his sister only smiled, fond, and said, “you’re incapable of hurting anyone, A-Cheng.”
Oh, he swallows heavily, if only that was true.
“He is the heir –” he tries to say, but Madam Jin shakes her head, stopping him with a stern look.
“He will have food and toys and servants to please his every need, but he won’t have a family.” She says, stepping closer to run a finger over the boy’s forehead. “I won’t be alive much longer,” she points out, “and I will not let him grow up under that man’s care.”
Jiang Cheng understands her worry, Jin Guangshan didn’t even go to Jiang Yanli’s funeral, too busy doing something – or someone – to attend the ceremony. And though Jin Guangyao was there to pay his respects, Jiang Cheng noticed he kept his distance from Madam Jin as the woman glared at him most of the time.
Their Sect is a mess and the only one that could bring balance to their lives is dead, along with his wife.
But still, Jiang Cheng looks down as Jin Ling lets out incoherent noises and then almost smiles when he gets Jiang Cheng’s attention again; it is too much responsibility for someone so – broken.
He wasn’t even planning on staying alive to watch his nephew grow up.
When he looks up, Madam Jin is staring at him as if she knows exactly what he is thinking. He forgot she was good friends with his mother – only a strong, intelligent woman could understand another.
“You need each other.” She says, finally, and leaves Jiang Cheng alone in the room, still holding a small baby in his arms.
Jin Ling makes an annoyed sound, yawning, and Jiang Cheng carefully starts to rock him, up and down, trying to mimic his sister’s loving touch.
“This is going to be hard, A-Ling,” he says and Jin Ling stops fussing, eyes locked on Jiang Cheng’s face, “I will make so many mistakes and I’ll probably hurt you.” His sister was gentle, Jiang Cheng is far from it. He is all rough hands, sharp words. He doesn’t know how to care for another, how to comfort someone when they are sick or hurt or sad, he was not raised for that. “But, I – I will take care of you and I will protect you and, I will love you.”
And Jiang Cheng will, that much he can promise his nephew, can promise himself. He will love this boy like he is his own son, like Jiang Fengmian loved Wei Wuxian, like he wished to be loved by his father.
“No matter what you do, no matter who you grow up to be.” He keeps saying and Jin Ling watches him the entire time, as if memorizing every word, understanding that from now on, this is the parent he will have. Not his father or his mother, but his uncle, his protector, his family.
-
2.
Time passes quickly when one is looking after a child and soon enough they are celebrating Jin Ling’s third birthday and the boy could not be more loved. Jiang Cheng yells too much and smiles too little, but he tries his best for his nephew, runs after him when Jin Ling is feeling particularly hyperactive, comforts him after a nightmare and reads him stories every night, sighing tiredly when Jin Ling insists on listening to his favorite tale over and over again.
It isn’t easy and most days, Jiang Cheng still doesn’t know what he is doing. But Jin Ling is healthy, happy, and that is all that matters.
-
The questions start when he turns eight and more and more families move to Lotus Pier. It’s normal, now, to see a mother with her new born baby, a father with a toddler on his shoulders, a five-year-old stumbling and calling her parents for help. Jin Ling never questioned his past before, he never knew other kids were not raised by their uncles, but now he does – and Jiang Cheng is exhausted.
“But why?” Jin Ling keeps asking, and Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath and promises him he will do it one day, when he’s older.
He should have known Jin Guangyao would not think the same.
Jin Ling arrives from Carp Tower that night, crying, and Jiang Cheng watches helplessly because his nephew refuses to be touched. He understands death, they had buried many people through the years, mostly elders and occasionally a disciple or two, but it is clear now, that Jin Ling never thought of it as something so grand, something that could affect him directly.
And it does not help, that Jiang Cheng has no idea what side of the story Jin Ling was told.
“Jin Ling,” Jiang Cheng tries when a servant arrives with Jin Ling’s dinner, “come, it is time for dinner.” It isn’t, admittedly, the best way to deal with a crying child, but Jiang Cheng has no idea what to do, how long Jin Ling will keep at it. The boy is even too young to know what he is feeling, never mind explain it to someone else, who does not know what to feel as well.
“No.” Jin Ling yells, throwing a pillow at the servant, who startles and drops the tray on the ground. She immediately flushes red, bowing and apologizing, but Jiang Cheng shakes his head, raises a hand to stop her.
“Apologize.” He tells Jin Ling. “Now.”
“No!” Jin Ling screams, even louder. “You are not my father!” He crosses his arms, turning his back to Jiang Cheng, his sobs growing weaker as he gets angrier.
Jiang Cheng feels his head throbbing. He closes his eyes, runs a hand over his face. “Jin Ling, either you –”
“You let them die.” Jin Ling accuses and Jiang Cheng loses his balance at the venom in his words, feels like he’s been punched by someone ten times stronger than himself.
Madam Jin was right to send him away, the Jin Sect is too cruel to tell such a story to a child so young.
“You – you do not understand what –”
“You never told me!” Jin Ling screams back. “You never said the truth!”
“There is more than one truth!” Jiang Cheng yells back, and promptly shuts up when he feels Zidian coming to life. He is losing control, he – Jin Ling does not deserve to see this side of him.
“The Yiling Patriarch killed my parents!” His nephew cries out. “His name was Wei Wuxian and you still kept his room!”
Jiang Cheng does not answer, because there is nothing to say. It is true and he hates himself for it. Wei Wuxian killed Jin Ling’s parents and Jiang Cheng still loves him, sometimes even wishes he was still alive, there is no excuse for that.
“I hate you.” Jin Ling says, finally, and Jiang Cheng leaves the room.
-
Jiang Cheng spends most of the night in the woods, hunting ghosts and destroying everything in his path, blinded by his anger and the indescribable pain in his chest.
He never thought he could hurt this bad again, not after his sister’s death, but the hatred he saw in Jin Ling’s eyes tonight – Jiang Cheng had only seen it once, in his own father’s eyes.
Eventually, he collapses on the ground, exhausted, and absolutely destroyed. He does not have the strength to lift his sword anymore, and Zidian shrinks back into its ring form.
He shivers from the cold and closes his eyes, feeling himself fall asleep. It is dangerous to stay here, alone, so defenceless, but Jiang Cheng was ready to die eight years ago, and he still is, now.
The world would be better without him anyway. He shouldn’t even have survived, all those years ago, after being captured by the Wens. Wei Wuxian would have been a better Sect Leader, a better son, brother and uncle.
It is funny, he smiles at last, mournful – he thought he was nothing without his Golden Core, but now he would give it away happily, just so his nephew could have his family back.
-
He wakes up with his Head Disciple calling his name, desperately.
No, Jiang Cheng thinks, leave me here.
Let me die.
“Sect Leader,” she calls, “please, Jin Ling is calling for you.”
“What –” he asks, blinking confusedly.
“He is sick, Sect Leader.” She answers. “He needs you.”
Despite the fact that his entire body hurts, despite the blood gushing from the cut on his arm, Jiang Cheng unsheathes his sword and takes flight. He should be dead, but his nephew needs him, so he will live.
-
3.
At eleven Jin Ling can only be described as clingy. He does not like going to Carp Tower any more than Jiang Cheng likes watching him leave, but it is his duty still, his legacy, and – liking or not – his family as well.
But he always comes back, a cloud over his head that quickly vanishes as soon as he sets foot on Lotus Pier, promptly throwing himself on the lake and swimming happily with the first disciple he sees. Jiang Cheng does not have it in him to berate him – or the disciple – as he always ends up in the lake as well, liking or not.
They always have their meals together and at some point Jin Ling decided he should start watching Jiang Cheng work – as ‘practice’, he said, but Jiang Cheng knows better.
After their fight, many years ago, Jin Ling ran a high fever, tossing and turning on his bed from nightmares, sometimes screaming Jiang Cheng’s name, other times pleading for his life. Jiang Cheng never left his side, holding a wet cloth over his forehead, clothes still covered in blood, as he prayed for his sister’s forgiveness, for his nephew’s quick recovery. When Jin Ling finally woke up, hours later, Jiang Cheng apologized, promising to tell him his side of the story, and Jin Ling promptly threw himself at him, crying and apologizing as well.
Their relationship has not been the same since, it’s been better, Jiang Cheng realizes, and he takes to enjoying their time together even more. He has no illusions this will last, Jin Ling is quickly growing into his own person, more mature, independent, smart. This will not continue forever, but Jiang Cheng will still cherish these moments, where he can look to his left and find Jin Ling unconsciously imitating his stance, one hand on his belt, the other on his back.
Sometimes, Jiang Cheng thinks, he’s happy to be alive.
-
Jiang Cheng has grown used to the letters. At first, he considered the marriage proposals annoying, would rip the papers to shreds and ignore every word. It was offensive, to receive such letters so soon after the war, as if he was nothing more than a possible husband, the path to glory to some of the smaller Sects or, worse, more power to the bigger ones.
It is not so bad now that he trusts their own reputation, knows most people would see it as a fruitful alliance and not just the possibility of ruling over a broken Sect. He still gets the proposals and denies each and every one of them, but some families go beyond, desperate for power or salvation.
Xin Li Hua is a beautiful woman, her smile is sweet and fierce at the same time, her words shaper than a blade. In another life, Jiang Cheng could see himself falling for her, but in this – he feels nothing but admiration.
She came alone, carrying nothing but a letter from her father. Jiang Cheng offered a room, food, clothes and help to her starving family, but made sure she knew nothing else would come from it. Xin Li Hua nodded, bowing gracefully in front of him and Jiang Cheng thought it was settled.
It was Jin Ling who saw right through it.
“I don’t like her.” Jin Ling says, later that night, throwing pieces of chicken for Little Fairy to catch in the air. The dog will get fat, Jiang Cheng had warned, but he does not have it in him to deny her food either.
Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes, takes off his shoes as he sits down on the pier, dips his feet in the water. “You don’t have to.” He says. “I will not marry her.”
“I know,” Jin Ling says, rolling his eyes back. Jiang Cheng blames himself for that habit, but huffs out a laugh anyway, “but she looks at you in a weird way. As if she wants to – to hurt you.”
Jiang Cheng frowns, surprised. Jin Ling is a perceptive boy and smart as well; he has become quite protective of him, of their people. Those are great qualities for a future Sect Leader.
“I don’t know,” Jin Ling says, flopping down next to him and resting his head on Little Fairy’s fur, “just – be careful.” He warns, pleads, turning his big eyes to Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Yanli was perceptive as well and she was constantly worried about him, asking him to take care of himself, to look out for trouble, to always come back home safe.
“I will.” Jiang Cheng promises his nephew, like he used to promise his sister. “I will.” He repeats, resting one hand on Jin Ling’s hair.
-
Two days later the disciple Jiang Cheng ordered to keep an eye on Xin Li Hua finds her trying to poison their food. She does not explain why, keeps her mouth shut for the entirety of the trials presided by the Chief Cultivator himself.
Jin Ling does not tell Jiang Cheng ‘I told you so’, but his eyes do and Jiang Cheng has to hide a smile behind his hand. Despite it all, he is deeply proud of the man Jin Ling is becoming.
-
4.
Jiang Cheng spent most of the last sixteen years looking for Wei Wuxian’s spirit, for what reason – revenge, forgiveness – he never knew, but just as he was starting to give up on his quest, he comes back. Unexpectedly, in the midst of all the chaos, like he used to. Jiang Cheng is not even surprised, this is exactly how Wei Wuxian used to operate, always making an entrance, always having something to say.
He never really cared about the consequences of his actions, only kept moving from one shiny toy to the next like a child, leaving the mess behind for Jiang Cheng to clean. It is no different now, despite the fact that sixteen years have passed. He wreaks havoc wherever he goes, irritating some people, charming others.
And it is with a heavy heart and a confused mind, that Jiang Cheng watches history repeat itself. The first time Wei Wuxian appeared into Jiang Cheng’s life, he stole his father; the second time, he steals his nephew.
-
His chest hurts. It is like his Golden Core knows its original owner is back and is trying to run back to him.
Deep down, Jiang Cheng knew he never deserved his second chance, nor the third or the fourth. Wei Wuxian did. It is obvious now, he always thought Wei Wuxian was the traitor, but in reality, Jiang Cheng is – the one who turned his back to his brother, who never believed he could have been a victim as well.
He throws Sandu away, does the same with Zidian, screaming painfully. He does not deserve this power, does not deserve to be called Sandu Shengshou. He is just a failure, a fraud.
Jiang Cheng sinks down on his knees in the ancestral hall, fighting off his tears. Why wasn’t him enough for his father? Just because he was born from the wrong woman, or was it something else? Did Jiang Fengmian know, even before, what Jiang Cheng would do? How pathetic he would become?
Did he know he would fail them all?
“Uncle,” he hears Jin Ling call, his voice soft and worried.
“Leave.” Jiang Cheng screams, frustrated. This is the last thing he wants, for Jin Ling to witness him at his lowest, to see who his uncle really is. He keeps his back to him, groaning when Jin Ling does not move. “What? Wei Wuxian must be with Hanguang-jun, go after him if you want.” He says, closing his eyes, tells himself it will be fine.
It hurts, but it will be fine. As long as Jin Ling is happy, Jiang Cheng will keep his distance, will let his nephew have everything Jiang Cheng could not give him. All the stories, the adventures, the laughter.
He will not be here to see it, anyway.
“Uncle,” Jin Ling repeats, stronger this time. Jiang Cheng hears him moving, and the next thing he knows, his nephew is kneeling in front of him, eyes – his mother’s eyes – shining with anger, “why do you insist on being alone?” Jiang Cheng blinks, startled. “Did you assume I would think less of you? Did you think I would be ashamed?” Jin Ling shakes his head, drops his hands on Jiang Cheng’s shoulders. “No! Look what you did! Our Sect, me, you-” Jin Ling lets out a sob, lifts one hand to hastily wipe out his own tears, “you did this all by yourself!”
“With his Golden Core!” Jiang Cheng insists. He would have been nothing without it, just a hollow man, alone.
He hears the slap before he feels it. The hand connecting to skin; Jin Ling’s hand, his face. Astonished, he looks up at his nephew and gasps. This isn’t the boy he raised anymore, this is a strong man, fierce, headstrong, a Sect Leader.
“It does not matter!” Jin Ling yells. “What you accomplished after matters! Our clan, our people, me! Uncle,” his voice softens, “you would have done the same for me, would you not?”
Jiang Cheng does not have to think twice. “Of course!”
“And would you think less of me because of it?”
Jiang Cheng closes his eyes, struggling to breathe. “No.”
He feels Jin Ling’s hands on his back, pulling him closer, his head resting on his nephew’s shoulder. “Uncle.” His nephew repeats, soft, always soft.
He is just like his mother, Jiang Cheng thinks, and that thought alone pulls him back from the abyss. He did something right in his life, he raised a caring, loving man, as opinionated as his father, as gentle as his mother.
Jin Ling is his best accomplishment, and no one will be able to take that away from him.
“A-Ling,” he says, at last, “I want to tell you a story.” Jin Ling pulls back, eyes red with tears, and looks at him curiously. “The story of how I lost my Golden Core.”
-
+ 1.
Sometimes Jin Ling feels guilty for not missing his parents. He knows his life would be entirely different if they were still alive, his uncle having told many stories about his parents. So, he knows about them, but he’s never had them in his life.
He holds his father’s sword with pride and longing for things that could have been, dreams about his mother’s laughter, even though he will never know how her voice really sounded like; but when he was sick as a child, it was not his mother at his side, it was his uncle. When he went on his first Night Hunt and came home crying out of frustration for not being able to capture a ghost, it was his uncle that listened to his rambling, then stayed with him on the training field until the sun began to shine in the East.
He might have wished for a different life sometimes, especially after a fight with his uncle, but those were just words uttered out of frustration and anger, Jin Ling never truly meant to exchange his reality for a fantasy; the familiar touch, the kind – and sometimes rough – words, for a dream.
So, when the option is offered to him, he already knows what to say.
“No.” He raises his sword, takes a step to the side and positions himself between the demon and his family. Jin Ling notices Sizhui on his right and Jingyi on his left, his friends and allies, ready to help him if necessary.
“What would your mother think, A-Ling?” The thing says and Jin Ling has to remind himself the body it is possessing is still of an innocent boy, not older than fifteen, and who does not deserve to die. “When she finds out you gave her up for –”
It is taunting him and Wei Wuxian has to be held back by Sizhui, angry tears streaming down his face, before he is collapsing, his arm bleeding profusely from where the demon stabbed him. His uncle does not say anything, and Jin Ling worries he might have passed out.
“I do not know.” Jin Ling answers, waiting for the signal. He is beginning to feel frustrated, but he holds his ground – Wen Ning will come, he tells himself, he always does. “I never met her.”
“But you want to.” The thing uses the boy’s mouth to smile. It is an ugly thing, and wrong, all teeth and hunger, eyes shining with mirth and sickness. “Just let me have a taste, A-Ling, and you will meet your mother, yes, your uncle will not feel a thing. He is ready for it, too.” The thing licks its bloody hands, uncle’s blood, and closes its eyes, savouring the taste. “He wants it, A-Ling.”
“Well, too bad.” Jin Ling snarls, frustrated because he knows it is true. His uncle would not hesitate to sacrifice himself for Jin Ling’s mother, and he hates it. Jiang Cheng is his uncle, yes, but also his father and mother, his family. The only he’s ever had. “He is not going anywhere.” He notices the tree on his right shaking and jumps, reaching out to hold the thing’s left arm at the same time Wen Ning comes to its right. Jingyi does not hesitate to help and even Sizhui has to abandon Wei Wuxian to come to their aid.
The demon screams and kicks, throwing Jin Ling against a tree and knocking Wen Ning to the ground. It is not a fair fight; even if they are four against one, the thing is avidly trying to kill them, while they have to hold back, worried about accidentally hurting the boy the thing is possessing. By the time Hanguang-jun arrives, Jingyi’s nose is definitely broken and Jin Ling can barely hold himself up.
Two disciples take his place holding the demon down while Hanguang-jun works on the exorcism; and Jin Ling – he crawls towards his uncle, breathing heavily through the pain in his arms and legs, too worried to care about anything else.
“Uncle,” he whispers, shaking hands coming to touch his uncle’s chest.
“A-Ling,” his uncle answers weakly, “you should have –”
“No,” Jin Ling interrupts, knowing very well what his uncle was going to say, “no more.” He lays his head against his uncle’s chest, feels his eyes closing with exhaustion. “I do not need my mother, I already have you.” He manages to say before passing out.
-
He wakes up on his own bed in Lotus Pier. He rarely visits anymore, too busy with politics and Night Hunts to come back home, but his bedroom is the same, the toys he used to play with as a child still on the shelves.
He sits up immediately as he remembers the night before, his uncle on the ground, bleeding. He tries to get up, groans as his legs give out and he collapses back on the bed.
“Keep still.” He hears Wei Wuxian, feels his hands on his shoulders, forcing him back down.
“Where is he?” Jin Ling asks, alarmed. Every time he got hurt or sick his uncle always stayed with him, he never woke up to an empty room.
“Resting in his own room.” Wei Wuxian explains. “He will be fine.” He says and Jin Ling finally breathes out, relieved. Wei Wuxian smiles. “You are just like your mother,” he points out and Jin Ling blushes. He’s been hearing that a lot lately, “but you are a lot like Jiang Cheng, too.”
He nods, looks down when Wei Wuxian laughs, amused. “I know.” He’s heard that a lot, too, growing up. It never failed to make him smile, proud. “Can you – can you help me?” Jin Ling asks, awkwardly. He still does not know how to interact with Wei Wuxian, does not know what to feel about him yet.
Wei Wuxian seems to understand, though, and he only smiles before helping him up.
-
“A-Ling,” his uncle says, weakly, opening his eyes when Jin Ling touches his hand, “are you –”
“Yes.” Jin Ling nods, watches his uncle’s expression soften. “I am fine.” He takes a deep breath, gestures for Wei Wuxian to stay, when the other man tries to leave the room. “Uncle,” he says, “I meant it, you know that, right?”
“You shouldn’t.” Jiang Cheng says immediately. “It is not fair.”
“Maybe.” Jin Ling answers. “But it is the life I know, you are the parent I had.” He stresses, watches his uncle’s eyes shine with a mix of confusion and hurt, but also pride and happiness. “I cannot choose a life I never knew. I miss them, the idea of them. I know she was a great woman, I know he was an honest man, but you are my family.” Jin Ling explains, feels himself tearing up. “Promise me you will not forget that.”
His uncle takes a deep breath, eyes going from Jin Ling to Wei Wuxian and then back to Jin Ling. Finally, he nods. “I promise, A-Ling.”
Jin Ling smiles, squeezes his uncle’s hand. He looks up at Wei Wuxian then, and takes another deep breath. “And you,” he says, watches as Wei Wuxian reaches out for Jiang Cheng’s other hand and smiles when his uncle accepts the touch, “can we start over?”
“Yes,” Wei Wuxian answers immediately, eyes shining with tears as well, “I’d like that.”
They both look down, “yes,” Jin Ling’s uncle says, “I’d like that too.”