Chapter Text
[[Tape 01. Label: July 4th 1971 - Hiya Alfred]]
[Arthur] Bloody- Oh, it does work, took long enough- Ahem
[Arthur] Hi! Uh, I have absolutely no idea how to begin with this, it's not exactly like I planned this out beforehand or anything, hahaha
[Arthur] But anyway, I guess I could start by... Well... Telling you... -cripes this is so awkward-- Sorry; Let me start over.
(Arthur re-settles himself. He takes a breath in, and composes his expression to a more serious one. It looks strange on his face; An alien picture in the midst of spiky, dirty blonde hair that makes him look like an odd species of hedgehog. Nothing is strange about a hedgehog-looking person being serious, but his demeanor doesn’t seem much for business. In fact, he seems like much the opposite.)
[Arthur] Well, first of all, you are asleep just next door, so if the audio is quiet that's why-- You were especially rowdy about sleeping tonight, so I really don't want to have to spend another hour getting you to calm down again, but; Whatever, all you need to do is turn up the volume. Though I suppose if you ever watch this, you probably already know that, don't you? Assuming you ever will, of course, I'm not even sure how I'm going to go about handing this over to you- It's bloody embarassing as it is sitting here talking to myself...
[Arthur] ...
[Arthur] Listen, Alfred, I have an odd feeling about you- Have had for awhile, and-- Oh shoot, hold on.
(There's a quiet fussing in the background and Arthur stands from his seated position on the floor to disappear through a doorway in the other end of what seems to be a meesy living room. A single lamp stands in the corner, the bulb is bright. There's no lamp shade.) ... (Arthur returns, dragging his feet back to where he sat on the floor before. His shirt bags on him - But that's a fashion choice of his own. He hardly looks like the person to care.)
(He sighs as he retakes the position in front of the camera)
[Arthur] False alarm, just... Dreaming. (Arthur rubs his face with both his hands. He looks tired; Sitting in the middle of the living room floor like that.)
[Arthur] You've been having a lot of dreams lately, it's incredible how lively your imagination already seems to be- For better or for worse, though, I can't quite tell.
(There's a pause, Arthur staring somewhere beyond the camera.)
[Arthur] As I was saying, I have an odd feeling about you. Not, bad, I think... but I just feel like something is going to... Happen. That I can't control, or can't... Fix.
[Arthur] It’s as if, you’re going to grow up and something is going to go wrong somewhere along the way - Like, in a way that I can’t control or don’t realize will happen. It’s as if… It feels as if you’re going to slip through my fingers somehow, different from the way I hear others talking about their brats “growing up too fast” and all that nonsense, but with this it…
(Arthur pauses again, this time to shift his focus to the camera. His eyebrows furrows together in frustration, and he places his folded hands in front of his mouth. When he speaks, it sounds muffled.)
[Arthur] I’m not sure… It feels as if I need to apologize beforehand, that it’s going to be something I can’t fix and-- God, I hate that sort of thing!
(He ruffles his hair as if to drive the point home)
[Arthur] Things being out of my hands, things I can’t fix, I hate it, it’s so frustrating and unnerving.
[Arthur] I want to be able to look at you when you wake up in the morning, and tell you that "everything is going to be good and dandy today and the days forward!” but saying that could just as well be a big, fat lie couldn’t it? And I don’t want to do that to you, love. I don’t want to promise you something like that and then not come through on it, you understand? It’s not that I don’t want to, by god I do, but I shouldn’t and that’s the whole problem here, innit?
(He looks into the camera now, his hair even messier than it had been before, falling into his ashen face. He must’ve been awake for a while.)
[Arthur] Kids remember things like those, Alfred, and if I tell you now, that I'm going to be your handy life-engineer your entire life and tell you that I promise to come to your aid and fix everything that goes wrong, that could be a lie, and I don't want you to grow up thinking I let you down, because I didn't! I would never do that.
(He takes a breath and raises a hand to his neck.)
[Arthur] Y'know, when your mum dropped you off out of nowhere last year; I swore to myself that that day was probably the worst day of my life. Like, completely destroy my entire future, dreams and all, and I begged her for days to just- Take you back, or give you away, but when she finally caved and stood at my front door with .. Hell, I suppose she’d be your granny, that old witch- With your granny beside her, ready to take you off my hands.
(Arthur laughs, quietly, his entire body shakes with it.)
[Arthur] I couldn't bloody hand you over! It's incredible how charismatic babies can be. One look; You sent me one look, and it was as if we’d had a whole conversation, and never in my 19 years of life have I ever felt like a bigger tosser than I did then. And in truth, I am the worlds biggest tosser, I really am. What kind of arsehole takes in a kid and thinks he can rule the world with it? Only me, I assure you.
(Absentmindely, Arthur rubs underneath his eyes. Not because he's crying. Because he isn't.)
[Arthur] But, so then, that was it; I just legged it out of there. Just, left my door wide open for anyone to wander in, left your mum and your granny to stand back and just watch me run down the street with a bundle of pure joy in my arms, and it really felt like you were cheering me on in that moment; That your silly baby gurgling was really you saying;
“Go, Arthur Kirkland, go!” And it was blinding! Absolutely blinding. I don't think anything in the world could ever compare to that moment.
(He's smiling with the remnants of the previous laugh he erupted into, soft sparks flying in his eyes. They look slightly damp. He's not crying though. Definitely not crying.)
[Arthur] Where was I going with this, I had a point...
(Arthur's voice cracks humorously in the middle of the sentence, a dumb smile still present on his face.)
[Arthur] Well, no matter... Just... Whatever might happen in the future, whether it's something I do, or say or... Or don't do? Whatever it is, just please, Alfred, don't... Don't hate me too much, alright? That's... vague, sorry
[Arthur] I mean that I’m going to do my fucking best to make sure you're comfortable. Always have food on the table and a roof over your head, and I'll even work that tad bit harder to make sure you get to enjoy yourself a steaming hot chocolate once in awhile, as well. I'll do everything in my power to make that happen, so you don’t need to worry about moving constantly or worrying about when you’re going to eat next, alright? And all I ask, I just need you to not hate me- Please, just don’t hate me, I’ll do everything in my power, I’ll do my best, so... Please...
[Arthur] I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, if I ever do something, Alfred, I love you so much, and I know that... I know that I’m just some young bloke living in some rundown apartment, I have no idea what I’m doing, but just know that I am truly truly sorry. If I could, I'd just, come through the screen right this second and beat myself to a bloody pulp, but seeing as time travel isn't exactly in yet, I'll have to make due with giving him a proper ear-full through a video tape.
(Arthur's smile wobbles, his hands fiddling with something unseen and he lowers his head quietly. Maybe a bit Shamefully, too.)
[Arthur] Uhm... That's all I have to say. You're still asleep, thank god, and as soon as this ends, I'm going to dedicate everything I have and do, to you, Alfred, so wherever and... Whenever you are. I love you, Wookums, stay safe out there, the world’s a living hell, doubt that ever changes...
(Yeah...)
That’s all.
(The tape ends on Arthur’s face close to the camera, he’s reached behind it to turn it off, and he’s awkwardly winking at the lens. Awkward, but so much more radiant and determined than what he’s been for… A while. It’s an odd look on him.)
[[End tape 01]]