Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Maka was the only one standing.

In front of her, Asura stood there menacingly.

Perfect, Asura thought. Without her weapon, she’s basically useless.

Asura opened his mouth, ready to fire his weapon, Vajra, out of his throat, at Soul. She’s going to jump in front of him.

Maka immediately went in front of her partner, who took the blow for her earlier, to protect him.

Just as planned, Asura chuckled. So predictable, so foolish, these pathetic human beings. As soon as she’s gone, I’m going to take over the world with Madness-

Asura stopped, dumfounded.

A figure emerged from the shadows.

Maka gasped.

“Crona!”, she said, very relieved and surprised. “You’re alright! How did you get in here?”

“Um, I kinda dug up under Kishin Asura’s force field with Ragnarok.”

Bullshit. I made sure not to let-

At the far, far left of his force field, Asura saw a hole in the ground.

Mother-

Asura was visibly frustrated.

 It does not matter! All that idiot’s done is sign up for a very, VERY painful death!

As Asura started to emit angry smokes, Maka whispered something in Crona’s ear, to which Crona nodded.

Maka put some cotton padding in her ears.

Then Crona started unfolding a piece of paper.

Asura temporarily stopped and raised an eyebrow. Just what are they doing…?

Then Crona spoke.

Is that idiot… reciting a poem?

“Ha! A simple, edgy, badly-written poem won’t have any effect on me! What are you going to do, recite me….to…death…?”, Asura said, as realization hit him.

That was no ordinary poem. Oh, no, no, no, no.

What…is this feeling?

Is it… despair?

Asura shook his head. No, this is impossible. I am fear itself, I’m despair INCARNATE! How could they…

Soon enough, Asura dropped into a fetal position, sucking his thumb and moving back and forth.

Maka went to Asura.

The last thing Asura saw was Maka’s grin as she gave him the greatest, heaviest Maka-Chop ever.

Chapter Text

Maka, Black Star and Death the Kid were panting, clutching their weapons.

In front of them, Asura stood, smirking.

They tried everything. Not even the Black Blood-powered Chain Resonance had any effect on him.

“What’s the matter?”, Asura said. “Too scared to move?”

Maka clutched Soul tighter.

Black Star was unusually quiet.

Only Death the Kid dropped his weapons and started to make some weird gestures, Naruto-style.

“Um, I don’t want to interrupt you here”, Maka said, “but what are you doing?”

Death the Kid closed his eyes and inhaled, “I’m summoning.”

“Huh? Since when do you have summoning powers?”, Black Star questioned.

“Since now”, Death the Kid said, matter-of-factly. “I hope this works.”

As Kid made the last gesture with his hands, a puff of smoke appeared.

The smoke soon cleared, revealing a caped bald man in a yellow, zipped suit with a non-descript expression on his face.

He looked around, puzzled.

“Where’s the supermarket? I could swear it was-”

Then he started to scream.

“Nooooooooo! TODAY WAS BARGAINING DAY AT THE SUPERMARKET!”

As the man whined and Asura laughed, Black Star made the Excalibur face. So incredibly LAME!

Then turned around to Kid: “YOU HAD THE POWER TO SUMMON ANYONE IN THE WORLD, AND YOU SUMMON A BALD GUY IN A RUBBER SUIT?!”

“I really don’t want to, but I agree with BlackStar on this”, Maka said. “How will he help us?”

“Trust me”, Kid said, serious. “Did you two read ‘One-Punch Man’?”

“HEY!”

The three Meisters turned their heads to the man.

“Do you kids know where the supermarket is? I got lost.”

Asura laughed again: “Did you weaklings really think a man could beat me? I am Asura, fear itself! Despair INCARNATE! I will bring the world to its knees with Madness-”

“Ok. Do you know where the supermarket is? I have to be there in ten minutes.”

Asura blinked.

How dare he interrupt ME?

“So, you’ll be the one to die first.”

Asura used one of its bandages to attack him.

He immediately dodged.

Asura attacked again.

He dodged.

Asura attacked again.

He dodged again, and said: “Dude, I just asked you if you know where the supermarket is.”

Asura gritted his teeth. This is getting nowhere.

Meanwhile, the three Meisters were watching.

“Well, at least he can dodge.”, Maka said.

“Pff. I can do that too.”

“Quiet, Black Star. We have to wait.” Death the Kid said.

Asura opened his mouth and fired his weapon at the man’s head.

“Huh? Are you yawning?”, the man inquired.

The beam hit the man’s shiny bald head and went upwards, destroying Asura’s forcefield.

The man’s head only bobbled a bit.

The Meisters stared with their mouths agape.

They couldn’t believe their eyes.

“Did his head…just deflect the beam?”

“Yep.”

Asura was bewildered and angry.

“YOU!”, Asura yelled, “WHAT ARE YOU?”

“I’m Saitama.”, the man said.

“Not your name! WHAT ARE YOU?”

“Oh? I’m a hero for fun.”

Asura gritted his teeth, ”Not that either! How are you that strong?”

“Well…”

Asura waited.

The three Meisters waited.

Then, Saitama spoke.

“100 PUSH-UPS! 100 SIT-UPS! 100 SQUATS! 10 KILOMETERS! AND NO AIR CONDITIONER! EVERY! SINGLE! DAY!”

An awkward silence settled between them.

“That’s BULLSHIT!”

Everyone turned their heads to Black Star.

“I make many, MANY more squats, sit-ups, push-ups AND run much more kilometres than YOU, and I don’t deflect huge, BIGASS lasers with my head! What’s your trick?”

“Well, it’s only what I just said.”

“ENOUGH!”, Asura yelled. “I’m going to kill every single one of you! Even if it takes me CENTURIES!”

“Even the brats? I know they’re annoying, but-”

Asura went forward.

“You’re really going to kill them for that?”, Saitama said as he walked to Asura.

Asura sent a punch.

Saitama caught it.

Then he muttered: “Normal Series: Normal Bitch Slap.”

“What?”

Those were Asura’s last words, before he was splashed bloodily against a large stone boulder.

“So, you were the one that brought me here.”, Saitama said to Kid.

“Yeah, it was an emergency. I apologize for everything.”, Kid spoke. “I suppose you can’t go back to the supermarket’s bargaining offers.”

“Well, it’s already past 5 am.”

“I understand. Then allow me to make it up to you. Without you, the whole world would have been destroyed.”

“There’s no need for that.”

“I insist. What about the sum of 1000 dollars?”

“Ok.”

Kid put both his hands in his pockets, then got out the 1000 dollars, 500 dollars in each hand and handed them to Saitama, who raised an eyebrow.

“Sensei, why there are 1000 dollars on the counter?”

“Ah, I did some bounty hunting.”

“...ok.”

Chapter Text

Asura stood there, menacingly, with a grin on his face.

The three meisters were exhausted.

Nothing seemed to work. Nothing.

Asura grinned wider.

“What’s wrong? I’m still here, waiting.”

The three meisters glared at him.

“Your reactions don’t surprise me. Fear breeds anger after all.”

The meisters’ glare hardened as Asura laughed.

Meanwhile, Black Star turned his head around, facing Tsubaki in weapon form.

“What’s it, Tsubaki?”

“Black Star, try the RKO.”

Black Star grinned.

Then laughed. “HAHAHA! I ALMOST FORGOT- I mean- ASURA! I’VE GOT AN ACE IN MY PANTS!”

Silence.

Asura bllnked. What an idiot.

“Black Star, I hope you’re saying this metaphorically, because the correct quote is ‘I have an ace up my sleeves’.” Kid said.

“I’m not wearing sleeves.”

“That’s not the point-”

“Hm, so you have a plan?”

The three meisters turned to Asura.

Asura smiled, smugly. “Nothing before worked, and nothing will work now. You won’t be able to kill me. Give up.”

“I’ll be dead before I give up. Witness my greatness-”

“Suit yourself.”

“Wait, Black Star!”, Maka shouted.

Asura attacked with his scarf.

Black Star dodged, running fast enough to leave after-images.

Asura destroyed each of them.

Black Star was still speeding around Asura.

Asura glared at the after-images.

He is wasting the little energy he has left. He’ll be at his limit soon.

Suddenly, the after-images stopped and Black Star stood in front of Asura, panting with his hands on his knees.

Asura smirked.

He’s gonna die. Maka thought. He and Tsubaki-

Then she looked at his soul.

Wait, that’s-

Sure enough, another Black Star came fast out of nowhere and made a wrestling move on Asura.

“R! K! O!!!!! YA-HOO!”

Then he turned around and said, “Who’s laughing now? I BEAT HIS ASS!”

Asura was laying on the ground, unconscious.

The other Black Star dissolved, revealing Tsubaki underneath.

Maka and Kid rushed up to them, their weapons turning into their human forms.

“Damn, that was so cool.”, said Soul.

“Yeah,” Liz said, “But how did you two plan this?”

“Well, it was an old back-up plan for defeating enemies.”, Tsubaki said. ”I didn’t think it would actually work on Asura-”

“Pfft, I am so great, any plan would work.”

“Sure you are, Black Star.” Liz said.

Soul and Black Star high-fived.

“Well, he is still unconscious, but not dead.”, Maka said. “What do we do now?”

All of them looked at the Kishin, who was drooling.

“LET’S STOMP HIM!” said Patti, grinning maniacally.

“As much as I hate him, I think we should report to the DWMA first.” Kid said. “Then-”

Kid stared dumbfounded as his friends started stomping Asura.

He sighed, “I guess I’ll stomp him too. Symetrically.”