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From a young age, there are two understandings that Dongho has held close to his chest.
The first: you are simply not that talented.
This has been both explicitly and implicitly stated - explicitly through his mother's words, clawing at his mind ("you are not, and never will be a good singer") and implicitly through her nail guards digging into his arm, piercing the fabric of his jacket and leaving deep scratches on his skin.
This has not been stated, but it does not need to be.
After all, there must have been some reason to ship him off to America - ship him off to an empty apartment with a monthly stipend and silent rooms and instruction to pass high school.
Good children don't get sent away, therefore Dongho is not a good son.
The second: family sticks with family.
And sure, Dongho only sees his parents once or twice a year, but that doesn't matter, because they love him. It doesn't matter that his mom digs her nail guards into his arms in public, doesn't matter that she digs her chipped nails into his cheeks at home, because she loves him. It doesn't matter that his father puts out his cigars on his stomach, doesn't matter that his abdomen is a mess of circular scars, because he loves him.
It's Dongho's fault.
After all, there's Jun. Junsu - Junsu, his younger brother, with wide, shining eyes, and a painfully bright smile - or so he assumes.
"Assumptions make an ass out of you and me," his mind recites by rote, and oh, he's thought that so many times, but he has to cling to this.
Has to.
But there's Junsu, and Junsu's still in Korea, still in school, and nothing like his fuck-up of an older brother in the empty apartment with poorly-composed music filling the halls and loneliness filling his footsteps, and he can't be like Dongho, because nobody is like Dongho.
His mental health is really amazing, isn't it?
But he is him, and in an act of sheer desperation, he records a dance cover and sends it to a idol company in Korea despite the fact that his Korean is rusty at best, and within days, he's on a plane, his meagre belongings in a backpack and fear coiled in his gut.
It feels a bit like the prodigal son, he muses, and though he doesn't know what he did to disappoint his parents this time around, he knows there must have been something.
After all, he is Kang Dongho - the disappointment. All of eighteen and already a waste of life.
And oh, when he lands, Junsu's there, arms covered in sharpie and gaze ice-cold in a way Dongho recognizes from every family meal where his mother will tear his dreams to shreds with cutting words, and in that moment, he understands that this is what they wanted.
This is what they wanted, and this is what Dongho will never be able to wholly achieve.
They drive home in silence.
The first time Dongho meets his groupmates, it's Lee Minsoo that sticks out his hand and recites "I'm Minsoo, and I hope we can be friends!" in careful English while Daehyun and Jaewon stare at him with wide eyes, and he's hit with the sudden realization that he wants to protect these kids.
Because they are kids - even Minsoo's only a year younger than him - and he wants to protect them the way he couldn't protect Junsu.
"I'm Kang Dongho," he replies, the Korean tripping off his tongue as he takes the younger boy's hand. "It's very nice to meet you."
Minsoo beams at him, eyes scrunching up a bit with the force of his grin, and Dongho forces his own smile, though he has the feeling that it comes off wan and weak. "You speak Korean! That's great! I can't speak a lot of English, so I'm so glad you can speak Korean!"
He's actually adorable, Dongho thinks, but holds his tongue.
"I'm rusty," he simply replies, opting not to mention the partially-completed Korean workbooks in his bag.
"That's fine," Minsoo simply replies, waving a hand dismissively. "Hey- we were gonna go get some coffee now that the meeting and classes are over- you wanna come with?"
"Um," Dongho starts, unsure of how to reply. "Sure?"
"Great!"
Minsoo wraps his arms around Dongho's bicep and pulls him close, lips curled into an impish grin. "We're friends now!"
What the fuck?
"Okay?" Dongho flails, and Jaewon stumbles forwards, dropping into a low bow.
"My name is Ahn Jaewon! Please take care of me!"
What the fuck.
"I'm Kim Daehyun!" Daehyun chips in, and how are they both so small? Is this legal? Should Dongho call someone? "Please take care of me!"
"...sure?"
"Well!" Minsoo cuts in, dragging Dongho and Jaewon towards the door. "This was great!"
Somehow, Dongho has the feeling that he actually means "this was a flaming hot mess of garbage", but if Minsoo's anything like everyone else he's ever met (which he doesn't seem to be, but you can never be too sure) then he's censoring himself for appearance's sake.
Three minutes in and he's already completely clueless.
Goddammit, Minsoo.
Minsoo says what he means, Dongho learns, and he's not entirely sure what to do with that information.
When Minsoo says he hates something, he actually hates it and isn't just going with the popular vote. When Minsoo says he likes something, he really likes it, and he isn't just paying lip service to whoever's in the room.
Sort of like his parents, but his parents behind closed doors.
In a way, Dongho envies it - the freedom of thought and expression. It's something he can only aspire to when the razor wire of his parent's control tightens around his neck and his only freedoms are on the dance floor or in his room, something he can only dream of when his mother's nail guards dig into his arm at a formal dinner or his father exhales clouds of smoke into the air, a far cigar perched between his fingers.
It's refreshing, but terrifying at the same time.
Minsoo's terrifying like that.
Jaewon- Jaewon is quiet. Jaewon is quiet and meek and never initiates conversation, so most of the time they spend together is silent. Jaewon is kind - kind in the sense that he believes in everyone, kind in the sense that he'll give mercy to those who don't deserve it - and open-hearted in a way that terrifies him.
People who wear their hearts on their sleeve tend to lose them.
This, he knows from experience.
Daehyun, too, does this - opens his heart to everyone, that is. He and Jaewon are both so open, such open books to the world, and he just-
he's afraid for them.
After all, the world has a habit of taking open books and tearing out their pages.
(he knows that well. knows junsu and knows himself.)
The world is harsh and the world is cruel and Daehyun and Jaewon are so achingly young that it almost hurts to look at them.
(isn't the job of older brothers to protect those who come after them?)
So Dongho pushes ahead for the four of them - toes the line between his typical failure and the kind of disobedience that leaves scars on his stomach. He pushes ahead, and he pushes himself harder, and he makes it happen, because these kids deserve it.
Not him.
He doesn't deserve it.
But the others? Minsoo with his honest words and blinding smile, Daehyun with his heart on his sleeve and arms always open, Jaewon with his gentle love and heart open for all to see?
They deserve more than Dongho can ever give them.
So he squares his jaw, hides the wounds when they come and keeps his head down. Hardens his heart, hides his smile, pushes everything under a facade of indifference, because the more he blankets himself in it, the more he can trick himself into believing it.
Older brothers come first to protect those who come after them, after all, and for all his failings, he's always tried to do at least that much.