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For his entire life, Minsoo has always been second-best.
He was second-best to his parents. Oh, and it was a painful second at that - two out of two, never able to match up to Minsung.
XR's Golden Boy.
He was second to Minsung, too - always coming after their parents, after his training, after his schoolwork, after everything until Minsoo's every desire just landed dead last.
Years of scorn can't be undone with words alone, and Minsung still hasn't received the memo.
And then he met Daehyun and Jaewon, and he was second-best to them as well.
And, well, that was fine. Jaewon and Daehyun had their own thing - a year apart and closer than Minsoo could ever hope to achieve - and that was fine.
And then there was Dongho.
Kang Dongho, the boy with dark hair and halting Korean but a heart of gold and a drive to rival Minsoo's.
For a time, he dared to think he might've found a best friend.
And Dongho certainly acted like it, too. They'd trade messages, meet up to practice choreography in their free time, and for a while, Minsoo let himself imagine he was breaking through Dongho's walls.
Then something - he doesn't know what - happened, and Dongho just.
Shut him out entirely.
(minsoo can't really blame him. he'd shut himself out, too.)
And oh, Woojin and the others were right there, ready with praise and open arms, so was it such a surprise Minsoo let himself fall?
He's so damn tired of being second-best, of always being put after something, so to have that spelled out and shown how he can change it-
it's refreshing.
And Woojin and the others are free, unconstrained by rules or regulations or societal norms, and Minsoo lets himself fall into that liberty, loses himself under bridges and among passed-around lighters and cigarette boxes.
(he hates the smell of smoke. reminds him of the homeless people he saw, reminds him of the cruel tragedy of the world, reminds him of so many horrible things-)
He loves the smell of smoke.
It's the smell of freedom, to him.
And when Woojin finally claps his shoulder and tells him that yes, Minsoo's part of their crew, the feeling of belonging is intoxicating.
His parents have never really approved of how much time he spends online.
They don't see things like he does - don't see freedom and only see bad influences and violence and danger - but once it became clear that it wasn't a phase he was going to grow out of, they finally caved and bought him a desktop.
The fact that Minsung forgot his birthday probably helped.
Still.
His games have seen him through everything - through getting rejected by companies, through getting accepted, through failing classes and losing friends - but Woojin and the others don't like gaming as much as he does.
This is fine.
At least, y'know, they don't tell him his games are "kid games" like Dongho did.
(he didn't sound malicious, didn't sound taunting, but minsoo's heard those words far too many time to think of them as anything else.)
Perhaps Minsoo's standards are a bit low.
Still, if they're this low, doesn't it just make it even more tragic when they're not met?
Woojin vaguely disapproves of him playing games - makes comments about how he should be spending more time with them - and Minsoo can't argue with that. After all, that's what his parents have been saying for years - as wrong and twisted as they are.
He's just so fond of his family.
All the same, he drops some of his games in favor of staying out later with Woojin and the others, drops some of the tenets his family instilled in him in favor of approval.
It's so much easier than he thought.
The first time Minsoo hits someone, they're his age.
Tall, weedy, with ill-cut hair and glasses askew on his nose.
Minsoo kicks him until he bleeds.
Afterwards, Woojin drags him out to eat, laughter filling the air between the five of them, and it's so easy to ignore the dried blood under his fingernails when everyone's congratulating him, so easy to pretend like he hasn't caused pain in the face of his sheer ecstasy.
"To Minsoo!" Woojin cheers, raising a glass. "The fifth member of our crew!"
And oh, hearing that feels nice, feels like belonging in a way he hasn't felt for a long time.
(once, he thought mayhem could be like that.
once.)
Minsoo cheers with them, and downs his glass.
He doesn't walk home alone that night, and he doesn't think he'll have to walk home alone ever again. No - the night is spent with cheers and shouts, spent with supermarket beer and faint snowflakes.
In his pocket, his phone buzzes until it dies.
And sure, they're not the kindest people. Sure, they're not sweet like Jaewon or bright like Daehyun or silent but strong like Dongho, but they're a damn good consolation prize.
(he misses his groupmates - misses what they were.
he doesn't know what to do with who they are.)
And if a little blood can buy him friendship, then.
Well.
He's willing to spill as much as it takes.
Dongho makes his blood boil.
This is a fact, though not for the reason he likes to pretend.
See, the reality is this: broken remains of a friendship embed themselves in someone's heart and ache with each passing glance, each word, each fresh reminder of the gaping wound.
And being around Dongho just keeps tearing it open again and again and again.
Minsoo doesn't understand what it is - why Dongho decided he wasn't worthy of trust all at once - but it aches, a fresh pain clawing at his ribs every time Dongho glances in his direction.
He still remembers pouring over English textbooks, wanting so badly to communicate with their new groupmate, and Dongho just... invalidated all his efforts.
(it's not technically dongho's fault, much as it may feel that way, but.
it doesn't erase the fact that the effort was pointless.)
Their entire friendship feels that way, Minsoo thinks - an endless pushpushpush with no pull from Dongho. He'd talk and Dongho would nod, pretending to be interested but adding no conversation of his own. He'd invite Dongho places, and he'd accept, but he'd never invite Minsoo anywhere.
(he likes to pretend like he wasn't happy in the moment.)
Oh, it's hard having a friendship with all give and no take, but Minsoo loved it.
What does that say about him?
Still - Dongho clearly never thought of them as friends, so the fact that he shut Minsoo out shouldn't be surprising. He has his own issues, his own things, his own problems Minsoo isn't privy to, and that's fine.
Minsoo has better friends now, too! Friends that might not... might not listen to him talk about his issues or his brother, but that's fine!
After all, these friends give him things, too. And sure, those things usually fall under cigarettes or bad reputations, but that's fine!
He just wishes Dongho would stop pretending to care.
It just-
why?
Why does he still act like they're friends? Like he cares?
(why does he still act like they're friends even after doing the exact same thing minsung did?)