Chapter Text
Nothing had ever hurt as much as hearing Ronan say the word goodbye.
It broke his heart in a million pieces and everyday since that awful night four months before, he had been trying to glue it back together.
Needless to say he had not been able to in any way possible.
Adam had been convinced that Ronan, that what they had both built together was going to be his always, that the only person he was going to ever love romantically, was Ronan Lynch.
Turns out it was not true.
Turns out he was feeling lonely, so lonely he wanted to get inside his bed at Harvard and never have to come out. He wanted to die of loneliness before having to spend one more day outside in the freezing streets of Cambridge, where everything warm he put his eyes on remembered him of the last days of his relationship, where Adam had not even felt a hint of sadness.
He tried to keep the tears inside but in the end he had to run to the bathroom attached to his room to wash his face, because the risk of hysterically crying was too big.
And he had to get over it, even if he did not want to, even if he felt oddly comforted by his sadness and despair.
But he had loved so much, he felt as if he had spent all his love on the other boy, poured it over him as if he wanted to bathe his boyfriend in it, and it had been reciprocated, and he had felt it, felt that tug of his heart every time he saw even a hint of the other boys buzz cut or leather jacket.
He had given himself totally, without looking back, because he thought it would be like that forever, because he was to give up almost anything for Ronan.
Almost.
Not college.
Not that Ronan had even insinuated asking or wanting something like that, he knew education was important to his boyfriend and had respected it.
What he could not get through was distance.
So he had cut everything off.
And the worst part of this was that Adam knew Ronan was having as bad of a time as he was having, because he was sure Ronan had loved him also with all he had, and when you don't have the person you love the most by your side everything turns grey and dull and broken and boring, and you can't bear the idea of walking another step with him by your side.
Adam was a mess.
And he knew it. He knew he looked as much of a mess as he felt on the inside.
But he couldn't find it in himself to care.
He had given himself until christmas to grieve all he needed, but then he would really try to recompose himself in the best way he could think about.
Meeting new people and hoping they would fill the void he was feeling where his heart was supposed to be.
And so he spent the next two months trying to focus solely on his academic purposes, trying to forget he even had any kind of feelings. He existed for the only purpose of studying, presenting to class and passing exams.
He had alo had to make his best efforts not to reach Ronan in any way.
And it was hard, and it was tiring and emotionally draining.
But it was what he had to do.
And so Christmas arrived and he found himself wanting a reason to come back to Henrietta but not having any reason to do it.
Because the last connection he had to that tiny, dirty Virginia town was broken.
And now he didn't know what place, what person, what feeling to call home, because he just felt that lost.
He put on some working out pants and decided to go for a run, that always left him feeling refreshed and clear headed.
But a single glance on his phones direction had him picking it up, and before even thinking about it he sent a text message to the boy he was still in love with:
"if my wishes came true
It would've been you,
and it would've been fun
If you would've been the one".
He threw his phone screen down to his bed as if it had burned his hand and left his room in a hurry, trying not to think about what he had just done, and about how warm his chest had felt the moment he had opened his chat with Ronan.