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It was quiet in the apartment when the door opened, with only the distant traffic and a rhythmic faint click disturbing the silence. Sejun, sitting on the floor in front of the TV with a cat in his lap, was too focused on his race to notice someone was coming. It wasn’t until he saw a movement from the corner of his eye, causing him to jump out of his skin and drop his controller on top of a disgruntled Bumblebee, that he realized he wasn’t alone. With a racing heart, he turned around to face the intruder, only to be met with Seungsik putting his things away in their little entryway. He instantly relaxed when he saw who it was, feeling his pulse slowly going back to normal.
He wasn’t the best with surprises, and he was even worse with them at night. The apartment was dark because he’d once again forgotten to turn the lamp on before starting Mario Kart, and by the time the last rays of sun had hidden behind the blocks in front of their window, he was too immersed in the game to bother. Even if he had wanted to do something about it, he couldn’t, since Bumblebee had decided his lap was her bed for the night. Not that he had planned to move. He had nothing else to do while he waited for Seungsik to come home and spending the night away racing against virtual characters was as good as any other option.
He took off his headphones – noise-cancelling and, as they’d just proven, very effective – and grabbed the controller from where it had fallen to stop the game. He half-mindlessly petted Bee, sending silent apologies to her but she’d already forgotten about it and was sleeping again as if nothing had happened.
“Hi babe,” he whispered, suddenly realizing how quiet it was in the apartment without the game’s music ringing in his ears.
“Hi,” Seungsik answered in a tired voice.
He was about finished putting his coat and shoes away in their small closet, and even in the dark Sejun could see how sluggish his movements were. He checked his watch: it was way past 10pm. He hadn’t realized how late it had gotten, but it was no wonder Seungsik was tired. He’d left in the morning before the sun was up, and if the rest of the week was anything to go by, he probably hadn’t had much time to rest during the day.
Sejun worried about him. He knew the hospital was short staffed with flu season and Seungsik had volunteered to help them, but he didn’t want him to overwork himself, not again. He’d been working non-stop for the last ten days, long and exhausting hours, and Sejun could see it had taken a toll on him. That night was the latest Seungsik had come home and Sejun wondered how he could even stand after the week he’d had.
Thankfully, he had three full days of leave starting that night. It was Friday, which meant they could spend two of them together since Sejun didn’t work either, and the later had the best plan for them to put the time to good use: spend the weekend in bed with their cat, snacks and good movies. Seungsik needed rest, and Sejun was going to ensure he got it.
But first things first.
“I left dinner for you,” he said. “It’s in the oven.”
Seungsik blinked at him a few times without replying, and Sejun worried for a second he was already asleep. It wouldn’t be the first time he walked and even talked in his sleep, but it would be a first for him to come back from work in that state.
“Ok,” he finally answered. “I’ll take a shower first.”
His words were slow, as if he had a hard time stringing them together, and Sejun frowned in response. His boyfriend was usually talkative and lively, and he disliked seeing him like that, even if he knew he probably was just tired.
He let it be, though, watching as Seungsik dragged himself through their short corridor, towards the bedroom. He couldn't blame him for wanting to wash the day away, although the protective instinct in him wanted to make sure he ate something before he literally collapsed. Sometimes Sejun was a worry-wart, but he had reasons to be. It wouldn’t be the first time Seungsik completely forgot basic needs in favor of working.
Deciding not to overthink it, he faced the television again and grabbed the controller, figuring he had time for a few more races before Seungsik came out of the shower. Considering the hour, they were in for a late night, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t work the next day and didn’t have a reason to get up early. As far as he was concerned, they could spend the whole night watching bad television and ruining their sleeping schedule and he wouldn’t care, as long as he could relax with his boyfriend. They hadn’t had time for themselves in what felt like ages, and he was eager to just kick back and enjoy being just the two of them.
He spared some pets for Bee, who was still sleeping, unbothered, before he started the game again. He liked to think he was a good enough player, having spent time perfecting his skills. When he played with Seungsik, they were fairly matched, and it was always exciting to see who would end up first to the finish line. But every time the guys came to play, Subin made them both eat dust, and he was determined to train and get better to finally beat him and put him in his place. That kid was too smug for his own good and someone had to take him down a notch.
It was easy to get lost in the rhythm of the game: choose a character, choose a kart, and start the races, cursing the virtual opponents under his breath. It was repetitive, and despite having been playing for hours already while he waited for Seungsik, he lost track of time.
It wasn’t until Bumblebee got up, stretching on top of his folded legs before hopping down and leaving in the kitchen’s direction, that he stopped the game. He checked the time again, only to realize he had played more races than it usually took to take a shower. He glanced at the clock, which told him more than half an hour had passed. He took off his headphones and was met with silence. Not a sound could be heard.
That was strange. Even if Seungsik was done with his shower, he should at least hear noises from the bedroom, something to indicate his boyfriend was there at all. The quiet was unnerving, but Sejun tried not to get ahead of himself.
He probably fell asleep, he thought. Which wasn’t ideal, because he really should eat something before going to bed, but it was possible his body needed rest more than it needed food. The food could sit for the night, anyway.
With a few cracking joints, he got up from his position. Sitting on the floor for hours wasn’t the best decision he’d made that night, and he could tell he would feel sore the morning after. He didn’t want to delve on how he used to be able to sleep on the floor without his body protesting, at some point in his life. He wondered when that had stopped being true.
Groaning slightly, trying to pop the last of the kinks off his back, he made his way towards the corridor. The bathroom was open, but there was no light there, so he assumed Seungsik was in the bedroom, which had some light slipping from the half-opened door. When he reached it, he silently pushed it open and popped his head inside, expecting to find his boyfriend sleeping, mindful of not waking him up.
Seungsik was indeed in the bedroom, but instead of being laid down as Sejun expected, he was sitting on the bed, hands in his lap and head bowed towards the floor. The position made him look sad, somehow, almost like he was in penance, and it didn’t look very comfortable. But Sejun couldn't put it past him to be asleep. It wouldn’t be the first time he gave in to slumber while sitting. Seungsik could doze off in the weirdest positions. It didn’t look like it was the case, though – Sejun couldn’t see well, but he was pretty sure his eyes were open. He was still wearing the clothes he’d come in, which meant he hadn’t taken his shower yet. Sejun wondered if he’d been sitting there for the whole time he was playing, and he felt guilty it had taken him so long to realize he hadn’t come out yet.
He approached him with careful steps, still unsure, and crouched down before him. Seungsik’s eyes were in fact open, it didn’t look like he was seeing anything, lost in his own thoughts. Worry began to creep again in the back of Sejun’s mind, but he forced it down. The empty look made several bells ring in his head, too close for comfort, but he tried hard to convince himself Seungsik was just tired. That was it.
With slow, deliberate movements, he put a hand on Seungsik’s knees and brought the other one up to cup his cheek, pressing slightly to make him meet his eyes. They stayed unfocused for a second, but Seungsik quickly realized who was in front of him, and he relaxed minutely, visibly coming back to himself.
“Hey,” Sejun whispered. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’m just really tired.”
“You look like it,” he said, bringing his hand down to hold his neck instead. He could feel the faint pulse under his palm, and it grounded him somehow. He was solid under his hand. He was here.
He kept quiet for a few beats, getting comfort from the warmth of Seungsik’s skin, pale from weariness as it was, before he added, “You should eat something.”
Seungsik shrugged, slouching further, and he shook his head slightly.
“I’m not hungry. Too tired.”
Sejun sighed. He wasn’t surprised, not really. He could understand him, too. He’d had his own fair of late and exhausting nights in the past, where the last thing in his mind was putting food in his belly and his number one priority was to get into bed. Seungsik wasn’t doing either of those things, though. He was just sitting there, staring at the floor.
“Let’s get you to bed then,” he said.
He stood up, ignoring the crack of his knees, and held out a hand for Seungsik.
“We’ll get you out of these clothes first, though. And maybe cleaned up a little, before you sleep.”
Seungsik stared at his hand for a few moments, and Sejun was hoping he would comply, but he remained unmoving on top of the bed.
“I’m too tired,” he explained, and Sejun could hear in his voice that it was true. He was too tired to move, too tired to get up from the bed and actually get ready to sleep. Too tired to care. Sejun would care for him instead..
“I’ll run you a bath. That way you can relax, and you don’t need to stand for long. How about that?”
Seungsik seemed to be considering it, and to drive his point further across, Sejun bent down to give him a forehead kiss, knowing perfectly well that he was powerless against those. He was right, as he knew he would be. With a weary sigh, Seungsik closed his eyes and let his head fall against Sejun’s chest.
“Ok,” he muttered against his shirt. “That sounds good. Thank you.”
Sejun hummed lowly, running his fingers through Seungsik’s hair – it was blond now, with only the faintest hint of pink still clinging close to the roots. He loved him in any and all styles, but he had to admit that the peach hair was one of his favorites. It made him look sophisticated, almost. And kids loved it at the hospital, or so Seungsik had told him. Sejun was convinced the kids just loved him, because he was gentle and good with them, like he was with any living creature in this world, but Seungsik had been ecstatic the first day he’d come home after dying his hair, telling him how much praise he’d received from his little patients. He was really fond of the hair, if only because of the smile it had put on Seungsik’s face.
He didn’t let himself enjoy the quiet moment too long, pushing away from the bed while delicately holding Seungsik’s head so it wouldn’t fall.
“I’ll get the bath going. Don’t fall asleep on me now, you hear me? You’ll feel better once you clean up.”
“Okay,” Seungsik answered, eyes half closed and with a sleepy voice. Sejun fought the wave of affection that dawned on him and the urge to take him in his arms again and hold him close. He was a man on a mission, and the mission that night was to get his boyfriend warm and comfortable.
With one last look, he left for the bathroom, leaving both doors open so he could keep an eye on Seungsik while he got everything ready. He started the water, waiting a minute until it got hot before putting the plug, and then rummaged through the cabinets to take out clean towels, the fluffiest he could find. He set those aside on top of the toilet lid before inspecting the different bath salts they kept. They didn’t use them often, since neither of them had much time to enjoy them – well, that was a lie. Sejun had time, but he didn’t find much enjoyment in them if he was alone. In this regard, he wasn’t like Seungsik, who liked to pamper himself every once in a while. His own self-care looked more like a few hours in the gym followed by a couple more in front of a screen, playing whatever game hit his fancy. Seungsik was the one who liked the fancy bath bombs and scented salts.
Come to think of it, he hadn’t seen Seungsik using them for a while. Even before the flu epidemic struck the hospital, forcing him to work one extra shift after another, he had seemed more stressed than usual, always running one way or another and not taking the time to relax. Sejun frowned while he decided between lavender and rose salts. How long had been Seungsik running himself down without him realizing? He should have been more careful, more attentive, especially knowing how he was and how he tended to forget himself.
He tried not to think about the last time Seungsik had burnt himself out with his work, because it brought back many bad memories, but he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want either of them to go through that again. It had been hard for Seungsik, but Sejun had struggled too, watching the person he loved suffer. He didn’t like to dwell on it, but the situations were too similar for comfort. Seungsik had a tendency to overwork himself, to keep going as long as his body could take it. Unfortunately, his body wasn’t invincible, and it did give out, sooner or later. Sejun had been there to pick up the pieces, but it wasn’t something he wanted to do again, not if he could avoid it.
And maybe a bath wasn’t the end of all cures, it certainly wouldn’t lift all the worries and responsibilities from Seungsik’s shoulders, but it was a start. And it was something he could do for him, so that's what he planned to do.
He decided to go with lavender, purely because he liked the color better, and he dumped a generous amount in the water. The bathroom was beginning to fill with steam, even with the door open – bad ventilation could have its benefits, in the end – and the air immediately got infused with the strong smell of the salts. It made his nose itch, but he quite liked it. It was relaxing, and that’s exactly what he was going for.
When the bath was halfway filled, he went back to the bedroom to fetch Seungsik. The latter was still sitting on the bed, not having moved an inch since he left him there. He approached him swiftly and grabbed his hands, tugging them to get him to stand up.
“Let’s go, your bath is almost done.”
Seungsik resisted for a few seconds, more so unable to make his body move than purposely rebelling, but with a pained groan he managed to push himself from the bed to get to a standing position. He swayed slightly, and Sejun quickly grabbed him to keep him balanced. In the end, he managed not to fall down, but Sejun could tell he didn’t care to fight gravity for long.
“Woah there,” he exclaimed. “Let’s get you in a horizontal position quickly.”
He considered taking him in his arms for a second. It wasn’t far, and he certainly could lift him. He was less sure about making it through the doors without knocking his head off, so he decided against it. With steady steps, and careful to always keep his hands on Seungsik so he could catch him if he suddenly fell over, he led him to the bathroom, which was now a nice and cozy temperature. The bath was almost full, and he made sure to prop Seungsik against the wall before he turned it off.
The easy part was done, now he needed to get his boyfriend out of his clothes, and it didn’t seem like he was gonna be very cooperative. He considered him for a second before he closed the distance between them, going straight for the hem of his shirt.
“Let’s get this off. Lift your arms.”
Seungsik was much faster to comply this time and Sejun made a quick job to get him out of his shirt. Despite his commanding tone, he was careful while he slipped the fabric through his arms and head. He didn’t want to be too forceful, but he did want to get him into the bath as soon as possible.
He didn’t waste time to undress him, taking each piece with skilled hands – it wasn’t the first time he took his clothes out for him, after all. In any other situation, the room would have been steamy for a different reason than the hot water waiting for Seungsik, but the mood that night was different. The thought crossed Sejun’s mind, but he was quick to dismiss it. His priority was to take care of his lover in a different way, that night.
Thankfully, Seungsik had taken the time to get his shoes off already, so it was easy to get him out of his pants and socks. In no time, he had him naked, and he didn’t waste a minute to take him by his hand and tug him gently towards the edge of the tub. He dipped a couple of fingers in the water to check the temperature. It was hot, almost scadingly so, but that’s how Seungsik liked it.
He considered getting in with him, but the tub was just enough for one person, and the both of them in there wouldn’t have been the most comfortable experience. They’d done it before, and he knew neither of them minded, but this was for Seungsik only, and he wanted him to be as cozy as possible.
“Come on, babe,” he urged him. “Get in.”
He was worried he would be met with resistance or that Seungsik would be too tired to follow through, but it seemed like the prospect of a warm bath had invigorated him a little, and he went in without having to be told twice.
He stepped over the tub and put a foot in the water first, testing to see if it was to his liking. Apparently satisfied, he got fully inside and sat, leaning against the edge with a content sigh. He kept otherwise quiet, going through the motions slowly and without saying a word.
Sejun was unnerved by the silence. He missed hearing stories from work, each more incredible than the previous one, sometimes funny and sometimes moving. He missed the sound of his voice, usually so joyful, brimming with excitement. He wouldn’t say anything, though. If Seungsik prefered the quiet, so be it.
Seungsik splashed some water around him while he adjusted to a more comfortable position in the snug tub, but once he was happy with it, Sejun could see him instantly relax, melting in the hot water like wax under a flame. He hummed lowly under his breath, and Sejun counted that as a win.
He closed the door to preserve the warmth as much as he could, then sat on top of the toilet lid, moving the towels he’d left there before to the floor. He was close enough to grab one of Seungsik’s hands and hold it. Something compelled him to keep his hands on him; he was grounded by the contact.
He started to rub circles in the palm between his fingers, feeling the stiffness there. Seungsik had a habit of clenching and unclenching his fists when he was stressed, and Sejun was certain he’d been doing a lot these past few days. If he did it for too long, it caused him to get cramps, and it wasn’t unusual for him to complain about his hands hurting. Sejun gently massaged the muscles and tendons there, trying to relieve some tension.
They both kept quiet, lost in their own mind, although Sejun suspected Seungsik was already half-asleep. Without realizing he was doing so, he started humming a melody that was stuck in his head. He didn’t know he was doing it until Seungsik stirred next to him, sending ripples through the water, and he quieted down.
“Sorry,” he whispered. If Seungsik was ready to sleep, he didn’t want to bother him. Falling asleep in the bath wasn’t ideal, but he could always wake him up when it was time to get out, and he was there to keep an eye on him.
Seungsik turned his head slightly to look at him through heavy eyelids, a small smile adorning his flushed face.
“Don’t stop, please. I like it when you sing.” His smile turned bigger, brighter – how could Sejun refuse him when he felt like he was facing a small ray of sunshine in an otherwise cloudy day?
He thought about it for a second, trying to remember which song he’d been unconsciously humming. He couldn’t, though. It was probably the addictive jingle from the videogame, ingrained into his brain after playing for hours. He wanted something better for Seungsik, though, something soothing.
A song came to mind, one he’d heard him sing a few times. There was nothing that Seungsik sang that he didn’t love, and that one had been no exception. Sometimes, he listened to it when he missed him, at random moments, because it reminded him of him. He didn’t know he could do Breathe justice the way Seungsik did, but he would try for him.
A little unsure at first, he began. He’d only ever listened to it, never tried singing it himself, but the lyrics came easily. He closed his eyes, letting the words just fall from his lips, thinking about Seungsik and how tired he was, and how he wanted to do this for him, to bring him some comfort. His voice echoed in the small bathroom, air heavy with steam, and he felt like they were embraced in a warm cocoon where they could forget about the outside world, just the two of them. He sang for Seungsik, and Seungsik only. There had never been a more important audience.
He sang verse after verse and it felt different, saying the words instead of listening to them. They resonated with him more, somehow. He felt the urge to look at his boyfriend at some point, and something about the sight in front of him made him choke up. Seungsik was resting his head against the tub, eyes closed. The tension had finally left his body, and he looked relaxed, at peace. There was a faint smile on his face, small but full of contentment, and he was the most beautiful person Sejun had ever seen.
He knew that, of course, that Seungsik was handsome. He’d always thought so. Seungsik took care of himself, too: he looked after his body, kept himself well groomed and always stylish. He often joked that he had to put a lot of work to be on par with Sejun’s “natural beauty”, as he put it, but Sejun didn’t agree with that. Seungsik was beautiful inside out, and maybe Sejun was a little bit biased, but he always thought the beauty inside him shone so bright, everything else paled in comparison. There was something about the curve of his lips, the shine in his eyes, that translated the kindness inside him. Nothing could compare in Sejun’s eyes.
At that particular moment, it wasn’t his beauty that caught him off guards, not really – he couldn’t say he’d gotten used to it, but he’d learn not to let it overwhelm him – it was how vulnerable he looked. He was bare, in all senses of the word, tired and weary, yet his goodness still transpired and he trusted Sejun to take care of him, just as he took care of others.
In that instant, Sejun was so overwhelmed with tenderness, he just couldn’t keep singing, and his voice died down. He tried his best not to let the other hear him getting choked up, because he didn’t think he would be able to put into words what he was feeling. He had no luck, though, because Seungsik noticed as soon as he stopped, and he opened his eyes to check on him. Something in his face must have betrayed him, because Seungsik’s relaxed expression immediately transformed into a concerned pout.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Sejun waved off, and he cursed his voice for trembling slightly.
“I don’t think that’s true,” Seungsik called him out. “Tell me.”
He turned up the pout a notch, knowing perfectly well it always worked on Sejun. He was unable to resist him when he looked at him with those big brown eyes, and he felt his resolve crumble ashamedly fast.
“I’m worried about you.”
“You don’t have to be,” he said. “I’m just tired.”
“This is not just tired, Seungsik. I know you’ve been working extra shifts and you’re allowed to be sleepy and tired, but lately it’s like you’re just… off.”
Seungsik didn’t say anything, averting his eyes in an attempt to escape his concern. Sejun would accept none of that, though, and he let go of his hand to nudge his cheek with a couple of fingers.
“Hey, look at me. Please, babe, look at me”
Seungsik tried to resist, but he could probably hear the worry in his voice, and he faced him with a frustrated humph.
“You know I’m just worried. You take such good care of others, I just want to do the same for you.”
“You always do,” Seungsik replied in a low voice, casting his eyes down. He never was one for heart-felt conversations, even after all these years. Sejun wondered if he would ever learn to accept other people’s concern for him.
“Come on,” he insisted. “I know you’re tired, but it’s beyond that. Did something happen today?”
He didn’t get an answer for a long time. Seungsik was tight-lipped, and Sejun didn’t want to force him to talk about anything he wasn’t comfortable with. He wished he could make him understand he just wanted to help, that he was there for him and he could talk to him about anything; but he also knew he had to let Seungsik choose the pace. He didn’t want to push.
It was something they’d learn with time and some trial and error. Seungsik, for all that he was the most hard-working person Sejun had ever met, wasn’t always good with communicating his own needs. He was good at bottling things up and that hadn’t ended up well the last time. It was something they had been working, since then. Seungsik opening up, and Sejun not letting it get to him so easily. It was still a work in progress.
Sejun had accepted they wouldn’t talk about the issue at hand that night when Seungsik took a deep breath, breaking the silence.
“One of our patients, today he…” he didn’t finish his sentence, but Sejun could figure out the rest by himself.
Working as a nurse at the pediatric oncology service was something Seungsik was proud of, and he knew that. He was loved by his patients and fellow teammates alike and his eyes always lighted up when he talked about his job. As a simple bystander, it was always amazing for Sejun to see how much passion he had, how much joy it brought to him to be able to help the kids as much as he could and interact daily.
But the bad days were very bad. While the high of being able to discharge a patient was something Seungsik talked about in length and with joy, there were days he came home with heavy eyes and a heavier heart. He didn’t talk much about those days, partly because reliving the pain wasn’t something he wanted to do, and partly because he knew how hard Sejun took it. He loved kids – that’s why he had decided to become a teacher, after all – and just the thought of something so terrible happening to them wasn’t something he could stomach easily.Seungsik knew this, of course he did. And because he was too good for his own good, he often decided not to inflict those burdens on Sejun and kept them to himself.
Sejun had felt grateful at first, when they started getting serious, although a little guilty. But bottling all this sadness away had been one of the reasons why Seungsik nearly runned himself to the ground. Since then, they’d learned how to talk about it. It wasn’t a magical solution and sometimes Sejun still felt at loss, not knowing what to say to make it better. Nothing could make it better, anyway. Not when they were talking about kids’ lives. He could only take Seungsik’s hand in his, and hold on for dear life. He couldn’t say anything and there was nothing to say, really. What he could do was be there for him.
“He had been here for a few weeks,” Seungsik added. “When he came it was pretty bad, but we really thought we could help him. But we… in the end we couldn’t do anything for him.”
It was like once the door was opened, the words kept flooding from his mouth, stumbling quickly, as if he himself was scared that if he stopped he wouldn't be able to talk about it again.
“The past few days have been really bad, you know. We made the best to make him comfortable but... But there wasn’t much left to do, except keeping the pain away.”
He paused for a second, taking in a shaky breath. Sejun didn’t look at him. Seungsik didn’t like to feel vulnerable and, with time, Sejun had learned he spoke more easily about these things if he gave him some space.
“We…” he started, then stopped, building himself up. “We knew it was coming. We always know when it’s coming.”
It looked like he was done after that, and Sejun took the opportunity to look at him. Seungsik was looking at the water, lips trembling slightly, and he looked so small Sejun’s heart felt like it was breaking. He squeezed his hand softly.
“Doesn’t make it any easier,” he whispered, because he couldn’t imagine it was an experience one could get used to.
“No. It doesn’t.”
The bathroom fell into silence again, the only sound coming from the ripples of water created by Seungsik and the occasional tap tap of a drop falling from the faucet. Sejun breathed the humid air, content to just stay quiet in the other’s presence, soaking up the solace of being together in a closed space. He hoped he gave Seungsik as much comfort as he received from him.
Sometimes being there was all he could give. Sometimes he felt it wasn’t enough.
“You’ll be okay,” he said quietly.
It wasn’t dismissive. It may have looked like it, but it wasn’t. Sometimes, Seungsik needed to hear that he would get through it, that as hard as it was at that moment, he always ended up pulling through. There were other kids to care for, and friends, and Bumblebee the cat, and Sejun. There were things in his life that would pull him back, that would make him get out of the dark places.
They both knew it, but Sejun was there to remind him. He would be okay.
“Yeah,” Seungsik said, and that was it.
They would talk about it later – in the morning, when they would both be refreshed and rested, and the pain might have eased a little. That night, it was about letting the issue rest aside for a little bit and getting away from it. If only for a few hours. Seungsik would be okay, of course, but Sejun could help make the healing slightly easier and quicker for him. There were ways he could make being okay a little less hard and daunting.
Starting by a nice night, entirely spent in a comfortable and warm bed, for example.
“Come one,” he said after a while. “Let’s get you cleaned up before the water gets cold, then it’s time for bed. And maybe tomorrow morning I’ll cook you some breakfast.”
“Please,” Seungsik scoffed. “Do not cook breakfast for me.”
“Hey, that’s rude!”
“Baby, I love you, but you can’t cook,” he told him with a sweet smile that made it impossible for Sejun to keep pretending he was upset. “I’d rather stay in bed all morning with you.”
Faced with such sweet words, Sejun couldn’t really deny him.
“That, I can do,” he conceded. “But let’s wash you first.”
Before Seungsik could do anything, Sejun got down to his knees next the bathtub, took the sponge hanging from the faucet, dropped a generous amount of body soap on it (citrus scented, and that was one of his own very few indulgences in his grooming routine) and got to work.
With gentle touches, he directed Seungsik in different positions to clean him up everywhere, trying to be as delicate as he could, softly massaging the kinks under his hand, hard with stress. He took his time, savouring the moment, and relieving as much tension as he could from Seungsik’s muscles.
He went from bottom to top, careful not to miss any place and give all his body the love it deserved. From his slender legs (Seungsik was so proud of them, he had worked so hard to shape them and feel comfortable with them); to his tummy (both firm from the hours spent in the gym, and a little soft, a lovely place to trail his fingers when they were together); to his hands (they were strong and capable, able to relieve children from their pain, to comfort anyone with a single touch, to carry him strongly when he was tired – Sejun loved them so very much); to his neck (Sejun had never loved a body part as much as he loved Seungsik’s neck: it was thick and strong, yet Seungsik liked to adorn it with pretty jewelry and delicate lace, and it drove him crazy). There wasn’t a single thing Sejun didn’t love about Seungsik, and he was grateful he could worship him in this quiet moment.
When he was satisfied he’d given all his body the attention it needed, he put the sponge aside and ran a hand through Seungsik’s hair to grab his attention. His eyes were closed and he could have been sleeping.
“Hey, sleepy head,” he whispered.
Seungsik stirred, opening his eyes to a slit and mumbling something inaudible.
“Lean forward a little, love,” Sejun told him, motioning with his hand. “I need to wash your hair.”
“You don’t need to.” His words were slurring, like he barely had energy to talk. “I can do it.”
“Let me do this for you.”
Seungsik didn’t put up much of a fight, sitting like he was told to, bringing his knees to his chest and holding them close to him. “Mmm... okay.”
Sejun cupped his hands to scoop some water and let it drop on Seungsik’s hair, which had mostly stayed dry, and repeated the process a few times. When his hair was wet, he took their shampoo (that one smelled like peaches, because Seungsik liked to match the scent of his shampoo to his hair color when he could) and poured some on his hands. With the same amount of care he’d shown before, he started to massage his scalp.
Seungsik started humming under his fingers, and it reminded Sejun of Bumblebee, who was probably sulking somewhere in their house because they’d left her alone. He smiled at the thought. Seungsik could very much be like a cat sometimes, although he mostly carried the excited air of a puppy usually. Sejun loved both, anyway, and he wouldn’t have him any other way.
He took his time with the hair, losing himself in the repetitive motions, content to give Seungsik as long a massage as he wanted. He would have gone hours, if that was he needed. He sang again, going through a few of Seungsik’s favorite songs – the ones he’d heard him sing without him noticing he was doing so.
At some point, the bathroom started to get less warm and steamy, though, and when he dipped his fingers in the water, it felt lukewarm to the touch. As much as he wanted to keep his ministrations going, he wanted Seungsik to feel comfortable. With one less gentle pull to a strand of hair, he brought his hands to Seungsik’s shoulders to give them a light squeeze.
“Water’s getting cold. Let’s rinse and get you out of here.”
Seungsik grumbled a little, not pleased with having his massage ending, but he didn’t protest further than that.
Sejun made quick work of starting the water again, this time turning the shower head on, and unplugged the bath to let the used water out. He checked that the water was hot before he rinsed Seungsik, making sure every single drop of soap was gone. Once he was satisfied, he stopped the water and helped him out of the tub, carefully balancing him so he wouldn’t fall.
Once he was out, he grabbed the towels he’d set aside, going as fast as he could so Seungsik wouldn't have to stand wet in the air which was losing heat by the minute. He put the smaller one around Seungsik’s head, rubbing the water excess off. He took the larger, fluffy towel and crouched down to dry him from bottom to top. Just as he did when he was washing him, he was careful, patting him dry gently. He didn’t want him to have to cross the small hallway while he was still wet.
Once he was satisfied that every inch of him was dry and clean, he wrapped Seungsik in the towel. Seungsik looked like a burrito like that, and Sejun laughed at him, pinching his rosy cheeks.
“Look at you,” he said. “You look much better now.”
“I feel better.”
Sejun smiled at that, satisfied. He’d accomplished what he had set to do, at least in part. While there were still bags under Seungsik’s eyes and the sadness hadn’t left his eyes, he seemed lighter, less burdened by the weight of the whole world.
“I’m glad.”
He hadn’t thought about clothes, so he took his hand and finally led him to the bathroom. Seungsik followed him diligently, not saying a word, sleepy from the bath.
In the bedroom, Sejun pulled Seungsik to the bed and pushed him lightly so he would sit, not trusting him to stay upright without someone to hold him. He turned around to rummage through their closet for boxers for the both of them. He quickly stripped out of his own wet clothes and pulled a clean pair, before he approached Seungsik again. With some coaxing, he managed to unwrap him from both towels and get him in the pair of boxers. His hair was still wet and in disarray, but he didn’t think either of them had the energy to blow dry it. They had nothing to do the next day, the messy hair would be fine.
Finally, they were ready for bed. Sejun didn’t know how much time had passed, but it felt like hours, and he felt drained himself. Happy at the prospect of getting some sleep, Sejun pulled the covers to get the bed ready for Seungsik. He pushed him gently, making him fall against the cushions, and grabbed his legs to drag them under the covers. When he was happy he was completely covered and comfortable, he made his way around to climb in the bed next to him, slipping under blankets.
The room was only illuminated by their bedside lamps, which casted a soft glow against the blue wall. He felt like he was under water, quiet and drifting in the most comfortable space. Everything else around them was dark and still, leaving only their little bubble floating in light and warmth in the middle of the night.
Sejun turned on his side to face Seungsik, who was lying on his back, eyes half closed. He simply watched him for a minute, taking in every single detail: the curve of his nose, the way his lips naturally lifted at the corners. His piercings, which people were always so surprised to discover. His pretty eyebrows, and even prettier eyes. It was easy to lose himself like this, to keep looking until every little feature was forever seared into his brain. He had watched Seungsik countless times, yet every time he discovered something new, something else to fall in love with.
It was sometimes hard to believe he had the chance to be with him like this, to have been the one chosen amongst oh so many people. But here he was, sharing a bed with the most wonderful person, feeling the heat of his body across the short distance. He felt overwhelmed for a second, his heart squeezing with something akin to pain; but it didn’t hurt, not really, it was like he simply couldn’t hold all his emotions inside and it was spilling all over his chest, leaving him breathless.
“I love you,” he said, not knowing what else to do. He felt like he had to say something, like it would be a lost opportunity otherwise.
Seungsik turned his head slightly towards him, blinking, fighting heavy lids. He smiled, a small and happy thing, just for him, and suddenly Sejun could breathe again.
“I know. I love you too.”
Sejun felt the staggering need to touch him, and he did so, scooting closer to him so he could press against him. He threw an arm over his torso and laid his head on his chest, where he could hear the steady heartbeat. Half draped on top of him, he felt instantly better. He loved Seungsik more than he had ever loved anybody else, and the thought of losing him to his work ethics was paralyzing. They’d gone through hard times before, and every single one had been scary. He wanted Seungsik to be happy with his job and his kids and responsibilities, but not at the cost of his health. Never that.
“Please, take some rest when you need it,” he pleaded to the soft skin underneath him. “Don’t overwork yourself again like you did last time.”
It wasn’t something they talked about often, because it was painful, but he needed him to understand. Sejun could be here as many nights as needed with soft words and warm baths, but he couldn't solve it all. Seungsik had to take care of himself.
“I won’t. I promise, I won’t.”
And Sejun believed him, because he needed to, and because Seungsik never lied to him.
They kept quiet for a while after that, neither of them sleeping but savoring the quiet space. At some point, Seungsik started drawing mindless patterns against his bare back, lulling him into a daze. Sejun felt himself relaxing as time passed, and he only then realized how tense he had been since he found Seungsik sitting on the bed looking like a ghost.
After some time, although he couldn't say how much, Seungsik broke the silence.
“Thank you,” he said. “You always take such good care of me. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
Sejun propped his chin against Seungsik’s chest so he could look at him properly.
“You would probably survive on your own. I’m just there so you have something pretty to look at.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Seungsik chidded him, flicking him on the forehead without force. “Don’t say these things. You’re more than a pretty face.”
“I know,” he answered with a chuckle. “I just like it when you get mad on my account.”
“You’re a brat.”
Sejun laughed at that, not denying anything. He did act like a brat around Seungsik sometimes. It was entertaining to see, and Sejun liked the attention.
“Maybe I just like hearing you say those pretty things to me,” he teased.
Seungsik turned them both so they ended up lying face to face, two brackets sharing the same air.
“You don’t need to bring yourself down to hear them from me,” he said in a serious tone. “I’ll say them as often as you need it, every minute if that’s what you want.”
“I know,” Sejun answered. “I know, I just like to tease you.”
Seungsik looked at him, his eyes flickering over all of his face. Sejun felt naked under his watch, and was it anyone else he would have squirmed away, uncomfortable being so exposed. But he welcomed Seungsik’s gaze. He didn’t mind laying bare and raw for him. He felt safe.
“You don’t know how lost I would be without you sometimes,” Seungsik said after a while. “Thank you for everything you do for me. I mean it.”
“You don’t need to thank me. I do it because I want to. But you’re welcome.”
“You helped me today,” he added. “I feel better now, and that’s thanks to you.”
“I just don’t like seeing you like that. You have to take care of yourself, babe.”
“I know, but they need me at the hospital.”
“They need you on your feet,” Sejun told him, and although he didn’t want to scold him, because he knew he already had enough on his plate, he couldn’t help the slightly accusing tone. “You won’t be of much use to them if you work yourself to an early grave.”
He was met with a pout and a frown as sole response, and he huffed, half amused and half frustrated.
“I’m serious. I know they need you right now, but they have other people too. And we need you too. I like it better when you’re happy and not killing yourself with work.”
“You don’t really need me.”
“Well maybe I don’t, but I still want you around for as long as possible. And Bumbum does need you. You’re the only one who pours her food the correct way, apparently.”
“She’s a menace,” Seungsik chuckled. “She just likes to mess with you.”
“She likes you better than me,” he whined.
“Yeah, she does,” Seungsik said with a fond smile.
Sejun couldn’t blame her. Seungsik was also his favorite person, after all.
Just then, Sejun felt a sudden weight at their feet. He looked down and Bumblebee was there, as if their conversation had summoned her. Her eyes were trained on them, almost accusatory, but she didn’t get closer. Instead, she searched the most comfortable place on her end of the bed and laid down. He gathered she just wanted to be included in their small haven. Now their little family was complete, he thought.
He would have gladly kept talking to Seungsik for hours, about what was going on in his head and anything else, but a glance behind his shoulder towards his bedside clock told him it was getting late. For any other Friday, it would have been early. Maybe at this hour they’d be out, enjoying a night out with their friends or even simply watching a movie the two of them. But after the week they’d had, it felt great to stay home. Even if his own week had been rather uneventful, now that he was laying down on top of his comfortable mattress, surrounded by warmth and Seungsik, he could feel his eyelids grow heavier.
They would have time to talk to their heart’s content in the morning, over coffee and breakfast (not cooked by Sejun). Now was time to rest.
“We should get to sleep,” he said while he faced Seungsik again. “You’re already halfway there.”
Seungsik smiled sleepily at him. He looked like he was well on his way to unconsciousness, barely keeping his eyes open.
“M’okay,” he nodded lazily. “I’m tired.”
“I can see that, sleepyhead.”
Sejun propped himself on his elbow to turn off both bedside lamps. He then grabbed the blanket from where it had fallen down a little and pulled it over them, making sure it covered them well. Seungsik pressed closer to him, pushing him down with needy fingers so he could sneak his hands around him. Sejun returned the embrace, taking him in his arms, and letting Seungsik press his face against his neck.
The warm and steady breath against his skin sent shivers down his spines, a tickling sensation he’d come to cherish with the countless nights he’d spent in Seungsik’s company.
He looked down at the man in his arms and an overwhelming feeling of love took over him. Once again, he felt something he couldn’t put into words, something precious, fragile yet bigger than the whole room. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for him, he thought. He needed nothing else. If he could only have this forever – him and Seungsik, in their bed, and Bumblebee purring softly at their feet, every night – then he would be happy always. He would ask for nothing else.
He didn’t say it, keeping it for himself. Because there was no doubt in his mind that the feeling was reciprocated and that certainty was what made him believe everything would be okay. He loved Seungsik and he trusted him to love him back, without ever doubting him. For him, there was nothing better than that.
He closed his eyes, letting Seungsik’s smiling and sleepy face be the last thing he saw for the night. With a deep breath, he dropped a tender kiss to Seungsik’s head and stayed there, lips pressed against his hair.
Seungsik mumbled something that vaguely sounded like “good night”, but it was lost against Sejun’s chest, who felt it rather than heard it. Yeah, he thought, this is good.
“Good night, Seungsik,” he said, before letting himself be pulled into sweet dreams that smelled like lavender and peaches.