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Karamatsu didn't usually let the insults his brothers threw at him hurt him, nor the many times he got ignored. Usually he could just bounce back from such treatment with a simple laugh without any problem, or just move on as if nothing happened.
After all, he was a cool guy. Always with the perfect lines ready, always in the best of fashion, and never letting other people's opinions of him affect him. Cool guys wouldn't let mere words get them down, that would be a ridiculous notion.
Or at least that's how his persona was. But the actual Karamatsu was a different story.
The real Karamatsu that hid behind that cool guy persona that many called painful was far too easily hurt. Which truthfully was the reason for the persona in the first place, as he had realized it was way easier to put on a mask and perform than to actually be his real self. The shy and oversensitive boy with pretty bad acne he used to be high school had truly learnt the art of acting in drama club, and so he had continued to perform well after leaving the theatre. It was just in a different way.
He liked his cool guy act, otherwise he wouldn't have kept it up all this time. If by some miracle he could actually become cool someday by faking it till he made it that would be glorious indeed. And it did wonders to protect his fragile heart from most of the unfortunate occurrences that happened to him, which with his horrendous luck were many. Not to mention the huge number of insults his brothers tended to direct towards him. If he just pretended he wasn’t affected by them, he could just move on.
But even he had his limits. And after enough time all the animosity built up enough to finally get through his whole mask, and hit him directly. Sadly this was one of those times.
A horrible thought had been plaguing Karamatsu lately. One that he didn't want to acknowledge, and was trying extremely hard to dismiss, but that continued to persist despite his best efforts.
It had dampened his mood considerably, but he had tried to keep up his usual demeanor and act the same as he always did. He thought he was doing a pretty good job, as no one had seemingly noticed anything was amiss. His plan had been to just ignore those thoughts hard enough until they disappeared, and it would all be well again.
Clearly it wasn't working as he just kept getting lost in thought. He had been staring at his mirror for far longer than he planned to that day, again, because by the time he noticed how distracted he had been all his siblings had left the house for the day.
All except one that is.
Karamatsu was finally thrown out of his contemplative mood when Osomatsu threw himself over him, leaning his weight on him with an overly dramatic sigh. “Karamachuuuu!! Pay attention to me, I'm bored” the elder demanded.
“You must be truly desperate if you are coming to me” Karamatsu sighed, looking over to his brother and raising an eyebrow questioningly. It wasn't rare for Osomatsu to get clingy like this from time to time and ask for someone's attention out of the blue, so that wasn’t too strange. But Karamatsu was never anyone's first choice of company...
“Oh come on, I like spending time with you” the other replied, slightly offended. “Besides, you’re the only one still home today anyway”
“Ah… I see, so that's how it is…” he nodded with a hum. Everyone else was out already, so he must have been the last option. That made much more sense. “So you will resort to anyone in a pinch, uh? ”
“Yeah, yeah, I like having brotherly attention and I’m not that picky, we all know that. Now are you gonna suck it up and let me cuddle you or what?” he complained, still leaning on Karamatsu unapologetically despite how much his weight was disrupting his posture. The second born sighed.
He knew how stubborn his elder brother could be, so he just resigned himself to be Osomatsu’s cuddle buddy for the day, changing their position so it was a more comfortable hug and getting a triumphant smirk from the eldest in the process.
It was... surprisingly nice, actually. Karamatsu hadn’t had the eldest undivided attention in a while, and getting a hug from any of his brothers was always a welcome gesture to him. Even if not many were offered. But the eldest son had always been pretty giving when it came to physical affection, so it didn't take long for Karamatsu to begin to relax into the hug as his older brother began to rub his back with a hum.
Karamatsu could practically feel the tension that had been haunting him ease up with every little gesture Osomatsu kept giving him, as he started to also ruffle his hair and do other small things that made Karamatsu sigh in relief. The elder might have started this hug, but clearly Karamatsu was the one getting the most out of it at the moment. He slightly wondered if Osomatsu noticed that…
“So, now that I’ve got your attention…. What's been bothering you?” Osomatus asked suddenly, once more taking Karamatsu out of his thoughts unceremoniously.
“W-what?” he replied without thinking as he tensed right back up instantly, causing the other man to look at him with an even more concerned frown.
“You've been really low key lately, and that's just very weird from you... and today you’ve spent hours just in here, staring at that mirror” Osomatsu explained, pointing at the object that had been left abandoned the moment Karamatsu had given into the eldest demands for attention “And not even for the first time, you did the same yesterday. You're full of yourself, but not that much! Something is bothering you. So what's the matter?”
Ah… so Osomatsu must have noticed his gloomy state of mind as of late after all. Truly Osomatsu seemed to only be very observant when it came to his brothers' needs.
Karamatsu had figured that if any of them did notice it would have to be his only elder brother, after all, he himself was the same when it came to worrying over his own younger brothers wellbeing. If he had noticed any of his younger brothers were having any short of difficulty he would undoubtedly try to intervene, and Osomatsu had always been the same way.
Had this hug been some sort of plan to try to make him relax so he would lower his guard and talk? Quite a devious tactic.
“...It's nothing” Karamatsu finally replied, noticing his brother was still waiting for an answer to his question. He really didn't want to explain what had been worrying him as of late if he could help it. It was just a silly fear, a stupid idea he couldn’t get out of his mind. And he shouldn’t burden anyone with it.
“How can it possibly be nothing when YOU, mister self confidence, is acting all mopey!” Osomatsu grumbled, clearly unhappy with the resistance he was being met with when he just wanted to help “Hell, you’re not even using much of your flowery language or anything! You're not even using that fake deep voice of yours!”
Karamatsu actually blinked in surprise at that remark, noticing that his brother was right. He had been so surprised at being taken out of his thoughts by such a sudden unexpected question, he had been talking that whole time in his regular voice without even noticing…. Had his worries taken such a forefront in his mind he had even forgotten that? Perhaps it was worse than he would like to admit….
“...so it would seem” he sighed, not even bothering to bring out his fake voice now. He didn't like his natural voice, as it sounded so… whiny, and certainty uncool. He was glad his theatre experience had helped him perfect a deeper voice to talk with, as it fit his persona much better than his natural one. But it did take a lot of concentration to keep it up all the time and he really wasn't feeling like it at the moment. His brothers knew he was faking his deep voice anyway, he was pretty sure, they just didn't usually point it out.
“My god you're not even denying it, it must be really bad” Osomatsu mumbled, now even more concerned as he insisted once more “Come on, tell your Onii-chan what's bothering you!”
“It’s… it’s not that important, and it would take too long to explain” he said, as he tried again to avoid this course of conversation “I'm sure you have better things to do than to listen to my woes...”
“Um, have you met me before? You know I don't!” the eldest immediately replied “Just tell me, I can annoy you all day till you do if I have to! You know I will, don’t test my capacity for being annoying!”
Karamatsu lowered his gaze, conflicted. Should he tell him...? He knew Osomatsu wasn’t bluffing when he said he could do this all day until he got a confession, and he truly seemed to want to help. But despite his distress about it, Karamatsu really thought it wasn’t that important. If it had been any of his younger brothers he probably would have shut down this conversation way earlier, not wanting to burden them with his problems in any way. But… this was Osomatsu. His only older brother. The only one he actually felt he could go to when he needed it... perhaps…
“...it's silly” he admitted, unsure if he should even tell his elder brother that much. Osomatsu however could see he was finally starting to break through, since he immediately insisted again.
“Well, silly or not it’s clearly bothering you, so I want to know!” he said “I won't make fun of you or anything if that’s what you’re worried about, ok? Come on, just talk to me...”
Karamatsu smiled softly at that reassurance that he wasn't going to be made fun of, which probably had been a bit of a factor in his hesitancy to talk. But it was more than that. It was a rawer fear that had kept him from talking...
“...it's just…” he began, but paused again. He bit his lip, trying to steel himself for the words he was about to say. Once he pronounced them there would be no going back, the question would have been asked. And if the answer was what he feared… he didn't know how he would take it. But the doubt itself was killing him, wasn’t that just as bad...?
The constant guessing, the doubt eating him up inside… it was horrible. Would it be more horrible to know for sure the answer to his doubt…? He didn't even know anymore. But Osomatsu was there, patiently waiting for him to continue his confession now that he had convinced him to begin. He couldn't back down now.
He finally managed to force the words out, in such a soft voice they wouldn’t have been heard had his elder brother not been so close to him “...do you ever feel like… our brothers... truly hate me?”
“...what?” was the immediate response from his brother, who was looking at him with astonishment.
He said it. The doubt that was so horrible he had feared saying out loud. The true cause for his sour mood lately and the uneasy feeling he couldn't shake no matter how much he tried.
He had been plagued by the lingering thought that his brothers might actually... legitimately… hate him. Or at least find him so unbearable they didn't want him around.
And he knew it couldn't be true. Logically he knew that they were his brothers, his flesh and blood, and so they must still love him. At least he knew that was certainly the case for him, as no matter what they did to him he could never hate any of his brothers, and so he had to think it was the same for them. And even if they truly hated him he would still love all of them regardless, even if his love wasn’t reciprocated. Surely it must be the same way for them, right?
Surely they couldn't REALLY hate him.
Surely.
And yet… the annoying feeling that they actually did persisted.
“I… I know, I know it's silly, really. It's probably just me thinking that. And that it's truly horrible to think you would secretly hate me when you are all my family” Karamatsu quickly added, trying to explain himself better “I know you mostly laugh at my antics in jest. Or at least, I think so… but sometimes… sometimes it's hard to tell myself that? And when I get ignored instead of insulted it should probably feel better, but... honestly it's just as bad. I know you are just messing with me, or ignoring my painful ways because it's… embarrassing to be seen with me… that I don’t really have any right to be offended when I'm the biggest offender, really”
He was rambling, he was starting to ramble now. This was why he didn't want to say anything, he knew this would probably happen the second he stopped trying to keep it all in. He didn't want to go on an unending whiny tirade like this, but it seemed as if once he had started to let all his insidious doubts out he was unable to stop. He was even including Osomatsu in his general rant towards all his brothers now, when he was listening to him so attentively, but he couldn't help it since he was concerned about his perceived hatred of him as well.
“I know I can be a bit… overly affectionate, or emotional, and that that's also embarrassing. And I know my fashion sense can be challenging at times despite my love for it, and it would be embarrassing to be next to someone dressed like me. I know that all of you would all rather be with literally anyone else but me, and I'm fine with that. I understand that I am no one's favorite person. You all still care about me as a sibling, at least, and that should be enough for someone like me. But sometimes I think… I think you guys really do mean all those insults. That you'd really rather ignore me than deal with me in any way… and that…” he gulped “That would be fine! Really, it would be fine with me, as long as all of you are happy…”
He could live with that. He had told himself that many times as of late, as the thought that they hated him had presented himself over and over. He could live with being hated, he would still love all of his brothers regardless of how they felt towards him.
If what it took to keep the family together was that he should take the role of the punching bag he would gladly do it. He had always been that way, always ready to sacrifice himself for any of his brothers. He'd do anything for them, because he loved them. His brothers sometimes had been surprised by how far he would go for them, and had told him he was ‘too nice for his own good’, but if his suffering made his brothers happy he didn’t mind it. It was an immutable truth that he loved all his brothers, and even if they didn't feel the same towards him that wouldn’t change.
But...
“But it still… hurts…” he confessed, knowing that by now he was crying. He was crying as the overly emotional idiot he was, but he couldn't care less. All these thoughts had been bottled up inside him so long that now they had been flowing out of him like a tempestuous river, and so his tears had flowed with them “I still... I just want to be loved by all of you, as I love you all… so the mere thought that you could really hate me… it hurts. And I can't stop thinking about it, as much as I try, I can’t…”
He finally managed to take a deep breath, apparently out of things to say after that long rant. He sniffed and tried to get his tears under control, not very successfully. He hesitantly looked to Osomatsu, who had just listened to the whole thing without interrupting a single time. The eldest was still watching him with concern, as if waiting for more, but he soon realized his brother was done talking.
“Okay… okay, that was a lot” he said with a nod as he sighed deeply “Boy, you must have been letting that build up for a while, uh?” Karamatsu could barely nod to that, still wiping his tears miserably. He hadn’t meant to break down like that, much less in front of his big brother. He began to relax slightly when Osomatsu started ruffling his hair affectionately again “Aaah, I can't believe you’ve been thinking about all this stuff so hard… not only did you think we hated you, you were also hating yourself for thinking that, right? Man, you're way too soft, you know that?”
“...it has been said once or twice before, yes” Karamatsu mumbled as he burrowed his face on his elder brother's shoulder. He just let Osomatsu ruffle his hair and console him without much protest, enjoying the comfort after such a tiring confession.
“Yeah… yeah, I guess you've always been the crybaby” the eldest conceded with a soft sigh. He continued his ministrations, but made Karamatsu raise his head a bit so he could look him in the eyes “Alright. There was a lot to unpack there, so I'm gonna start with something simple: none of us hate you, Karamatsu”
It wasn’t that Karamatsu didn't want to believe it, he had been trying to convince himself of that for a while after all. But it was just… hard to. He looked at Osomatsu's eyes with attention, finding a certainty there he could never find in himself. “...you are sure?” he asked meekly.
“Completely” was the fast reply “Maybe we've all gone a bit overboard teasing you… I'm sorry, I should have realized sooner it was bothering you this much. We all just insult you or ignore you without even thinking about it, and since you’re always acting so smug we didn’t even think it was hurting you at all… but that’s just you and your cool guy thing isn’t it? You can’t show it when we hurt you and you’re too goddamn nice to even say anything about it” he grumbled, passing a hand through his own hair in frustration “Ugh, I should have realized sooner… you’ve always been like that, too timid to stand up to people! I should have noticed that... I’m sorry...”
Karamatsu just frowned slightly, confused as to why Osomatsu seemed so bothered by this. Sure, the revelation that their constant insults had made him doubt their affections was new, but it wasn’t worth that much fretting over “I’m used to it…. It's fine…”
“It's not fine!” he shouted back, making Karamatsu flinch slightly at the rising tone. The eldest quickly realized he was getting a bit too intense and took a deep breath to calm himself down before continuing “It’s no fine… not if you're starting to feel like we actually hate you…. Which we don't, by the way! I want to remark that again!” he pointed out “Or if you feel like we never actually want to be around you at all, or like you don't deserve any attention…. Shit, Karamatsu you're saying all that like you're not worth anyone's time or something!”
The second eldest looked down, biting his lip. Osomatsu really was managing to hit on all his problems today, and his usual defenses were too drained to not talk by this point “...sometimes… it feels that way” he confessed “Sometimes I feel like anytime any of you actually spend time with me is… well, it's not really because you actually want to spend time with me. More like… out of some sense of pity, maybe? Or familial obligation? But not because you genuinely want to...”
“What? Come on, that's not true…” he replied, frowning a bit as he realized something “Wait, did you think I came to spend time with you out of pity today? Or just because there was literally no one else around...?”
Again, right on target. Karamatsu could only softly mumble a reply “The possibility might have crossed my mind…”
“Nope, I was genuinely worried for you! And it seems for good reason…” he sighed softly “Karamatsu, I really like to spend my time with you, and I'm sure all of our brothers also do when they actually do things with you…. Which I guess is not as often as it should if you're feeling this neglected, uh? Why don't you just ask to spend time with one of us if you're feeling this lonely?”
Osomatsu seemed genuinely confused by that, and Karamatsu didn't know exactly how to explain his problem. To Osomatsu randomly demanding attention from his brothers was quite usual, so it must seem strange to not be able to. But it was different for him… how could he explain it….
“You see… if I have to ask for it, it doesn't really… seem genuine” he tried “All of you have better things to do than spending your time with me, I feel if I ask for your time I would just be a nuisance… And if I complained about it none of you wanting to spend time with me, it would sound like I'm just calling you out and whining and you would be even less likely to want to spend time with me… so in the end I say nothing”
“Man, you really are quite a doormat, but I guess our brothers can be quite stingy with their time sometimes” the elder scoffed, making Karamatsu smile slightly. It was true that Osomatsu often got shot down when he tried to get some of their brothers to spend their time with him, but he was seemingly relentless so that had never stopped him from still doing it “Well, in that case whenever you need to you can ask ME to spend time with you, anytime” he offered, as if that was the easiest of solutions.
Karamatsu frowned “...I don't want to bother you….”
“Dude, do I have to ask you again if you've met me before?” Osomatsu grumbled “I have basically dedicated my life to wasting it, I'm never doing anything THAT important. And nothing I could possibly be doing would ever be more important than my little brothers wellbeing!”
“...really?” he hopefully asked, earning a proud smile from his elder brother.
“Yeah, of course. And I won't be spending time with you out of obligation or because I feel bad for you, alright? Don't misunderstand” he emphasized “I like being with you, hell I like spending time with any of you if you let me. Guess you do too, I'm just not ashamed about begging for attention” he shrugged as he laughed.
“I don't think you can possibly be ashamed of anything” Karamatsu softly began laughing as well, already feeling much lighter than he had in a long time.
“True, true” he agreed, thoughtful for a moment “Maybe I should be the one to ask those other assholes to spend more time with you sometimes, since you seem to have issues with it”
“Ah, no, it's fine, really you don't have to…” he began, but quickly got interrupted by Osomatsu glaring slightly at him.
“Karamatsu” he said, making Karamatsu lower his gaze again “You really need to stop this self-sacrificing thing, man. They can spare some time to hang out with you, we are all NEETs, they have enough of it”
“I just… I don't want to impose on them like that… I don't want them to… hate me…” Osomatsu just sighed again at that response.
“They don't hate you, and that isn’t going to make them hate you! Look, we all give you shit cause we are your brothers, but we all love you, ok?” he reassured.
“...I wish I could be that sure of it…” he mumbled, hiding his face in Osomatsu's shoulder again to hide his slight blush “I know it's… well… embarrassing, but… I don't know, I feel I would like to actually hear them say it sometimes. Or a lot of times, actually” he confessed “But again, if I went asking for constant verbal affirmation would just be very annoying…”
That was such an embarrassing sentiment, he couldn't believe he had actually said it out loud. Of course he was used to saying overly dramatic and sentimental things, but they were never things that regarded his own actual feelings that often. The feelings that he buried under a cool guy act so they would never be glimpsed by other people. But right now he had completely dropped the act, it was just him. Him and his very embarrassing need for attention and acceptance, and of the fraternal love he felt he had been denied of for far too long. At least this breakdown of his was only being witnessed by his older brother, if he was honest with himself he didn’t think he could bear anyone else seeing him like this.
“Hey” Osomatsu called for his attention after a moment of contemplation, smiling deviously as he hugged his little brother tightly “I loooove you!” he dramatically proclaimed.
“W-what?!” he blushed even stronger if that was even possible considering he had been crying already, taken by surprise by the very loud declaration.
“I loooooove my little sensitive brother, who clearly needs to be told that he is loved more often!” he laughed seeing Karamatsu’s blushed face, as he began to ruffle his hair and rub his back once more “You really are a kind hearted idiot, thinking it's fine to let yourself be walked over just because it would be less of a fuss than actually saying anything about it... thinking we all hated you and suffering in silence…. You should have come to me much earlier!” he continued to pamper him with attention and nice words, making Karamatsu's brain almost short circuit “And thinking you'd be annoying if you asked for attention, how silly of you! But as your only big brother I'm not gonna let that stand from now on you hear me? I'm gonna tell you as many times as it takes to get it through your thick skull, I love you!”
“A-aniki, you…” he mumbled when he finally managed to recover slightly from all the compliments.
“I love youuuu” Osomatsu said, cutting him off before he managed to say anything else. He then frowned a bit “You know what? At least when I'm saying these things call me nii-san won’t you? Uh? Uh?” he insisted, clearly expecting that dear title coming from his younger brother who rarely used it.
“Y-you… are as blunt as ever” Karamatsu managed to say, as he got instantly flustered by the mere notion. He didn't usually call his brother nii-san, unless on very special cases, it was a fact that Osomatsu would sometimes complain about when he was feeling petty. Karamatsu would have just ignored it at any other occasion, as he quite liked calling him aniki and felt using the more endearing title was a bit too much. But well… he did use it when he felt it was truly warranted. And truly Osomatsu was being an amazing older brother that day, listening to his woes and helping him through it… he couldn't deny him this time, even if he had flat out asked for it “Osomatsu-niisan… t-thank you...”
“Wow I haven't heard you call me that in ages!” he laughed triumphant, looking at his younger brother's face and pinching his cheek “You still get as easily embarrassed when it comes to real feelings as ever! You're blushing so much!”
“W-well! I wasn't expecting… all of this...” he protested, trying to get him to let go of his cheek weakly.
“But you clearly needed it! And I will try to talk to the others too, to ask them to spend more time with you, so don't worry about that okay? Just let your Onii-chan spoil you a bit, won't you?” Osomatsu snickered, as Karamatsu just let him shower him with affections without his blush decreasing in the slightest. “I don’t mind doing this kinda thing from time to time, you know? If you need to feel the love that much…. I kinda like it too, so it’s a win win!”
“Umm… i-if you truly don't mind then… I think I would like that...” he hesitantly accepted, actually quite happy with that offer. Maybe it was a bit indulgent to just let his older brother cater to his need for attention like that, but he hadn’t realized how much he had yearned for it until he had got it. But then he realized something “Aaah! B-but don't do this when the others are here! It would be mortifying if they ever saw me so weak… it would just be entirely too much for me!”
“Pff, you're so shy!” the eldest laughed, patting him on the back “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be spoiled! But okay, if that's what it takes to get you to accept Onii-chan’s extra coddling, then I will just do it when we are alone!”
Karamatsu sighed with relief. He was grateful for this extra attention he was receiving, really, even if it was quite embarrassing. But the idea of being seen by his younger brothers while he was in need of being pampered like that… he couldn't handle it. It was hard enough to let Osomatsu see him like that…
But well... Osomatsu had always accepted all of them with all of their faults included, so… maybe this was okay. His older brother seemed to share his need for attention and enjoy giving it as well, so maybe this was indeed mutually beneficial when he thought about it…