Archive of Our Own ^beta

Osomatsu was not feeling well that day. He woke up in a bad mood and had been carrying it all day.

The rest of his brothers had quickly noticed he was acting strange and stayed their distance, for which he was a bit grateful for, since he really didn't want to lash out at them for no reason. They quickly exited the house after a tense breakfast, and he was left in their room by himself. This wasn’t really helping him calm down, as he truly never did well when he was alone, but at least he wouldn’t snap at anyone so he guessed it was a fine solution for now.

He hated how angry he could get sometimes, but most of all he hated how tense all his brothers got around him when they noticed that he was mad. He never wanted to hurt or scare them, that was the last thing he wanted to do, but he had a really short fuse when he was angry and he would react violently more often than not. He always felt terrible afterwards, and tried to make up for it profusely, but if he could avoid the entire ordeal by just staying away from everyone all day he would, even if he hated it.

He was planning on just trying to distract himself with something until he managed to calm down when Karamatsu entered the room he had been sulking in and just sat next to him, looking at him expectantly. Suddenly Osomatsu felt like some kind of wild animal being approached by a concerned zoo keeper.

“What do you want?” Osomatsu asked, not even looking at him. Did Karamatsu decide to come here of his own accord or had the rest of the brothers sent him in as some kind of peacemaker?

“I wish to speak to you since you seem to be in such a foul mood today, my brother” his younger brother simply answered. So he came of his own will then, this would probably make things harder.

“You are being very brave for someone on slapping distance” he grumbled, trying to sound as enraged as he could to make him go away.

“And you are being overly aggressive to try to scare me off, is there a reason for this?” damm, he was quick to catch on sometimes.

“I’m fine!” he exclaimed, finally facing Karamatsu who just sighed and crossed his arms, strangely calm about this whole thing.

“Excuse me if I don't believe you when you react like that” he simply responded, tilting his head questioningly “Want to talk about it?”

“You're oddly insistent...” he thought for sure he could have got Karamatsu to back down by getting even a bit angry, but it seemed the second born was planting his feet on this.

“I can be quite stubborn sometimes, yes...” he conceded “But I feel when it comes to this sort of thing that could be a useful trait. You’ve been strangely furious from the moment you woke up today. But even if you are prone to anger, you are not the type to get so irascible without motive. So… what is it?”

Karamatsu looked at his elder brother questioningly, furrowing his eyebrows and making Osomatsu sigh. It seemed something about this had made his little brother go into his big brother mode on him, despite their birth order being the opposite. Honestly Karamatsu tended to worry a bit too much even in much less intense situations, so this should have been expected. And he was clearly not going to leave until he knew what had made him act so strange, but he really didn’t want to get into it if he could avoid it.

“... it’s nothing” he mumbled, putting his arms on the table and hiding his face between them.

“It's clearly not nothing” the second eldest said, moving closer now that he could see he was actually getting somewhere with this and patting his elder brother in the shoulder “Lets talk, I will at least listen to whatever the problem is if there's nothing else I can do about the matter”

Osomatsu sighed again, raising his head a bit to look at his younger brother. He probably would feel better after talking about it with him, but at the same time it was really hard for him to do “Its… ugh, is stupid! It really is!” he complained.

“It's not if it's causing you this much distress” Karamatsu replained, as he frowned “There are few things which actually affect you like this, aniki…”

That was a good point, he didn’t usually get this worked up easily. Which made it even more maddening that this was bothering him so much, and the more he tought about how stupid it was that he was being so affected by this the more enraged he got. It was so damm stupid, and he really didn’t want to burden his younger brother with this, but Karamatsu could be just as stubborn as he himself was when it came to his brothers well being so he was gonna keep insisting about this.

“...ah, could it be that… you are sad about our brothers getting distant or something of the kind?” Karamatsu suddenly ventured, catching his elder brother off guard as he immediately tensed up and looked at him with alarm, all but confirming Karamatsu’s suspicions instantly. Way to give himself away “I see, so that’s what it is…”

Well, no point in hiding it now.

“Yeah... but it's dumb, I mean it’s not like anything has happened! I just… I had a stupid nightmare, okay? That’s why I woke up and was immediately set off like this” he confessed, hitting the table with his fist in frustration “A nightmare out of fucking nowhere, and now I’ve been feeling this stupid feeling the whole day, I haaaaaate it!”

He truly didn't know what had made him have that kind of nightmare this time. He had a lot of nightmares about being left behind by his brothers or about any of them being gone in some way, it was his most common cause of fear even if he loathed to admit it. But usually at least there was a reason for his insecurities to get to him like that, some reason they manifested into bad dreams. Like when Choromatsu actually got a job and everyone left momentarily, that had been terrible. Nothing of the sort had happened recently, so there was no reason for it, but that nightmare had made him feel like he did back then when he had been the only one left at the house. The almost empty house. Where he had eaten and slept by himself in deafening silence. He never wanted to go back to that.

“I just… I don't know, sometimes I just fear you might all go away and… leave me behind… and I am so scared of that” he admitted, hiding his face again in shame. He hated sounding so needy and weak like that, he was supposed to be way stronger than this. And yet here he was, a pathetic man reduced to a pathetic mess by a simple nightmare. His anger had given away to just a vague sense of sadness now, and apparently sensing the change in his mood Karamatsu quickly got even closer and started rubbing his shoulders in a consoling manner with a hum.

“Ah, I see… you do get lonely easily, don't you?” Karamatsu smiled faintly, apparently happy to know what the problem was and finally being able to help. His gentle approach was actually being quite effective if he was honest, Osomatsu already was feeling much better just with this.

“How did you even know so fast that that was what was bothering me…?” the eldest questioned, not seeing how his brother had seen through him that fast. He guessed he wasn’t exactly too subtle when it came to always wanting to be accompanied, but he thought his actual fears about being left behind weren’t common knowledge. He certainly didn't let it show if he could help it.

“I suppose I felt a sort of forlornness in your anger… and well, I am quite familiar with that. You fear abandonment… as do I… remember?” he said, making Osomatsu frown.

“You do… yeah” somehow he had a vague sense that he knew Karamatsu did share this with him, but not how he knew that… “But how did you know I did...? I don’t think I’ve told anyone...”

Karamatsu seemed to be a bit taken aback by that question, moving his eyes around nervously “A-ah, perhaps you don’t recall it then? We... shared our mutual fears once… we had a similar conversation about this topic once upon a time…”

“Uh? Did we…?” he tried to remember, drawing a blank.

“Yes… it was near our final days of high school, so perhaps it might be hard to recall it…” he mumbled, waving his hands in a dismissive gesture “I-it’s okay if you don't, aniki! I only recently found myself remembering it… it’s probably nothing significant really...”

“Back in high school? Ummm...” he thought harder, trying to remember any long interaction they had back then, since they had been rare by that point. But clearly something about this conversation must have been quite important if Karamatsu was getting so nervous about it.

He gasped, finally remembering what the second eldest was talking about.

Osomatsu was going on his way home, alone, as they had started to do lately. Most of his brothers had club activities or friends they went with, but he mainly just spent his free time going around town and indulging in any vice he could manage to get away with. It usually ended up with him going back home a bit late, which on that day seemed to coincide with Karamatsu getting out of his drama club since he spotted him going the same way home.

This was a lucky coincidence since Osomatsu had been meaning to try to have a talk with him for a while now, but… well… things had been complicated. This seemed like a good chance to actually have a conversation, with just the two of them on their way home, so he decided to take it.

“Karamatsu!” he called out to him, making his brother flinch in surprise for a moment before he recognised who had called him as he turned to face him.

“Aniki…” he said, and Osomatsu frowned slightly at the title. Karamatsu had been dropping the nii-san honorific in favour of aniki lately, probably trying to sound more cool or something. It wasn't that he really minded(except he totally did), since it was still kind of a respectful thing to be called. But it was still weird to be addressed like that after so many years of being called nii-san, and he was still trying to get used to it. But it was fine, it was just another weird change he had to adapt to. Among many. Many that he also didn't like. But it wasn't the time for that now!

“Yep, your one and only Onii-chan is here for you today!” he said, trying not to let his displeasure at the new address for him show. “Its good I saw you in the distance, I've been meaning to talk to you”

“Talk to me…?” Karamatsu somehow frowned even more if that was possible “Why?”

“What? I can't take interest in my little brother now?” he grumbled, pouting a bit. He honestly would like to know way more about what all his little brothers were up to if he could, but he had been holding back lately “Are you doing okay? You graduated from playing a tree to an actual character in that drama club of yours yet?”

“Yes, I am an actual character now… you all can come to the next play if you like, tough it probably won't be as funny as seeing me as a tree would be” the second eldest answered, still looking at Osomatsu like he had grown a second head or something.

“Really? I might actually drop by then…” he distractedly said. This conversation was quite awkward wasn't it…? Ugh, maybe he should have tried to make this talk happen sooner, it was hard to bring up what he actually wanted to talk about now.

“Aniki… it’s not that I'm complaining or anything, but… what is it with the sudden attention...?” Karamatsu asked, making his elder brother sigh. Maybe he should just be direct, he had never really been good at being subtle anyway.

“Alright, here’s the thing: you've been down lately! Always with that frown in your face” he explained, pointing between his brother's eyebrows and getting a surprised blink out of Karamatsu “And it’s really been bothering me… so I wanted to try to talk to you about that. I just didn't know how to bring it up…”

Karamatsu had been very… sad lately. There was really no other way to put it, he was always with a little frown or looking down miserably, and even though all of the sextuplets were clearly having a hard time in their high school experience it seemed particularly bad for the second born. Osomatsu had hoped his drama club activities or something would have cheered him up by now, and he was apparently doing well there, yet this seemed to only get worse the more time passed. And Osomatsu might not be the best oldest brother, but dammit he had to at least try when he saw something so glaringly wrong. But they had all been so… distant lately….

That was another problem entirely, a problem he didn't even know what to do with. But maybe he could handle Karamatsu! Or at least he hoped so. Because if he couldn’t even handle the problems of a single one of his brothers, how the hell was he gonna handle everything else…

“I don't know what the issue is, but you should cheer up and relax! Maybe you just need to take your mind off whatever is bothering you and have some fun! Want to come to the horse races with me? It's really great!” he suggested, trying to think of what else could take his brothers mind off whatever was bothering him “Oh! Or maybe we could both go to the +18 side of the video store, my total lack of shame will protect you!”

He continued offering any other options for a diversion he could think of to a very baffled Karamatsu, not knowing exactly how to approach this. He only stopped when Karamatsu put his hand up.

“I’m fine, you don't have to do any of that… even if that video store offer does sound tempting...” he said as he interrupted him “But… I do appreciate you would go out of our way to try to cheer me up from my melancholy with such things…” he paused, thoughtful for a moment, and then something amazing happened. A soft smile appeared on his face. A smile Osomatsu hadn't seen in who knows how long with how low on spirits Karamatsu had been… and it made his hearth sore just to have been the cause of it “You know... I am glad that you are still the same! Trying to lift my spirits by offering me such base pleasures and your company… just like old times, when you think about it!” he laughed, making his elder brother look at him with amazement. A laugh, he had managed to make his brother laugh, he had missed that sound... “I hope you don't change…”

“What...? Really? You like the way I am…?” he asked instinctively, taken by surprise by that statement.

The fact that he hadn't really changed much from his childhood self hadn't really escaped him, as his brothers did remind him of it a lot whenever they got angry at him for being “immature”. He was still basically the same as he was when he was younger, just worse. So he couldn't blame anyone for not really being impressed, and no one seemed to like it that much. Except Karamatsu, apparently...

“Most of the other assholes seem to think I'm annoying” the eldest complained, sighing dramatically. He knew it was a bit petty, but honestly, his brothers had no real ground to say he was annoying and terrible when they themselves were also pieces of shit. At least he was honest about it, it wasn’t his fault his brothers didn’t like the truth.

“Well… I don't mind it” Karamatsu replied, shrugging his shoulders “I think I find it kinda… comforting? Yeah, I think that's it” he nodded “It's a relief”

“You're the weird one then, everyone else seems to think I should have changed more by now, like all of you have...” he explained, grimacing a bit at the thought. Why did the rest try so hard to be different? He didn't get it “I know they say people change when they grow up and all, and the rest of you seem to be, but honestly I think this is all I'm ever gonna be like. Just a lazy, greedy and perverted piece of shit, that's all I am”

“You're way more than that, Osomatsu” his brother complained, and the tone of it made Osomatsu flinch a bit. Karamatsu sounded almost like he was… defending him? Even tough Osomatsu himself had been the one insulting his own character. Uh, he wasn’t used to being the one people got protective over like that. Then again Karamatsu always seemed to get more intense about defending his brother's honor than his own, so maybe it wasn’t that surprising “But even if you were… I think it's good that you are just honest about who you are... I like who you are…. I wish I could be as confident in myself as you, I think it's quite admirable! You are my older brother, and… well, I...” he blushed, fiddling with his fingers nervously “T-this is a bit embarrassing but… I-I will always like you, no matter what...”

Osomatsu had to blink to make sure he wasn't having some kind of lucid dream or something. My god, had he seriously just heard all of that? Had one of his brothers honestly just admitted to admiring him and liking him for who he was after he just admitted to being a lazy piece of shit? They were spending so much time apart lately that he had forgotten that Karamatsu could be just unapologetically sentimental sometimes, and hearing such sincere sentiments coming from him was hitting him stronger than it usually would. It was incredible.

“Karamachuuuu! You can be so nice sometimes, praising your Onii-chan so openly!!” he impulsively hugged him from the back, leaning on him so his younger brother had to support his weight. “Aaah I really should spend more time with you if you're gonna say shit like that! I love this feeling!”

“Osomatsu! You're heavy!” the second eldest complained, although he was laughing so he didn’t really seem mad.

“Sucks for youuuu!” Osomatsu snickered, throwing his arms around his shoulders so he couldn't shake him off even if he tried “I don't think I’m going to move from here! Maybe you'll just have to carry me home!”

Karamatsu scoffed, apparently amused by his brother's antics. Osomatsu was sure he was about to be wrestled with until he let go or something, but instead he was caught by surprise when his brother actually picked him up so he was carrying him on his back, and just began walking as if that was a normal reaction to this situation.

“Wha…? Karamatsu you didn't actually have to pick me up!” he laughed a bit, trying to adapt his posture as he was still a bit shocked by this development “I was just messing with you, you know?”

“Yeah I know, I don't mind tough” he laughed as well, adjusting his gript so he was holding him better “I can carry you, you're not really that heavy”

“What the hell man, I didn’t actually expect you to carry me!” he sighed a bit “You’re seriously just doing this? If I asked you to do this again would you just do it?”

“Umm… probably” he said, after contemplating for a minute. Osomatsu couldn't believe this.

“Jeez Karamatsu! You're such a pushover! Someday it will get you in trouble” if he kept doing things that were asked of him so easily it would probably end in some kind of mess, or just getting taken advantage of, probably. And Karamatsu tended to have bad luck after all, he couldn't help but worry about him.

“I'll be fine” his younger brother reassured.

“How are you so sure, uh?”

“Well” he looked at Osomatsu over his shoulder with a confident smile “I’ve got the best fighter in Akatsuka as my older brother”

Osomatsu could just feel the blush he was getting at the compliment and the complete trust his brother had in him, and that only made Karamatsu laugh softly. How the hell could he say shit like that so easily? It’s like he completely believed that. And that was probably because he did. How was he even real?

“Aah, you’re so nice today! Seriously what the hell?!” Osomatsu half heartedly complained. He hadn’t been ready for that at all.

“I’m just stating the truth, aren’t I?” the second eldest replied, a bit smug at having managed to embarrass his brother like that, it wasn’t often anyone could see Osomatsu getting bashful.

“Well yeah, it's true and all! But still!!” he took a deep breath, calming down and noticing Karamatsu had actually been carrying him for a bit now. “Karamatsu, are you seriously going to carry me all the way home? Because I might seriously take this offer if you're giving it”

“Yeah, you're lazy enough to let yourself be carried by your little brother despite being the eldest” the second born replied.

“Ack! And now you wound me??” the eldest said as he dramatically clutched his chest, overplaying his reaction and getting a laugh out of the other boy. “Nah man, I know I’m a lazy fuck but you don’t actually have to carry me, you can let me down now”

He expected Karamatsu to just concede that he had made his point now or whatever and let him down, but his brother seemed lost in thought, looking at Osomatsu for a moment before looking ahead again.

“Can’t we stay like this a bit longer…? It’s just... we haven't done anything like this in a while” he mumbled, a bit nervous, as if he was afraid that he was about to be rejected. “I mean like… you know… being this close…?” the second born continued, trying to explain himself. He didn’t need to elaborate really, because Osomatsu got what he meant immediately. So he missed this kind of thing too then…

“...yeah, I guess we haven't” he mumbled, resting his chin on Karamatsu's shoulder pensively to his younger brother's relief.

It was true that they hadn't really done things like a piggyback ride in a while. Hell, they hadn't even touched each other in a while, not really. Sure, they still shared the same futon, but even there they had begun to keep their distance. And sure, they still ate together, but mostly in silence. There were no more casual jabs at each other, no more reassuring gestures, no more cuddling in their sleep, nothing.

And Osomatsu hated it. He hated it so much.

He liked to be close to his brothers, he liked it when they could hug and cuddle and do anything without that weird distance that high school had brought between them. He thought maybe he was the only one that missed all that, besides maybe Todomatsu since he was still as clingy as ever, but he had directed that towards Choromatsu since Osomatsu had snapped at him when asked about what they were gonna do after high school. But apparently Karamatsu missed it too, and so much so that he had used Osomatsus stupid joke about carrying him home as an excuse just to be close to him… he couldn’t believe things had gotten so bad his brother had to resort to that just for a long sorta hug.

Maybe it was just because it had been too long, but he couldn't help but feel like a part of him he had felt missing for a long while now was being restored just by being in contact with Karamatsu. If his brother felt anything close to it then he understood why Karamatsu had taken the chance to pick him up like that, now he was starting to wish he would never be put down if it meant that empty feeling wouldn’t come back.

Osomatsu hugged Karamatsu tighter and hid his face in his shoulder. “Karamatsu... d-dont tell this to any of the others, but… I…” he began, feeling his voice wobble.

Karamatsu stopped walking the second he heard his brother speak like that, and was now looking at him surprised. It was rare to see Osomatsu unravel in any way since the eldest tried really hard to be strong in front of his brothers, so this had to be a huge shock for the second born, but at that moment he couldn't help it. Osomatsu was just too tired of missing his brothers, too tired of all the distance and all the animosity between them that he didn’t know how to fix. And the realization of what he had been missing all this time that hit him just with the mere physical contact was making him way too vulnerable, making him let down barriers he put up long before all this even started.

“I'm just… I’m scared. I’m so scared, Karamatsu. I don't know what to do. I have no fucking clue what Im gonna do after highschool is over, and everytime I try to think about it all I can think of is that… that you guys will all leave, and I… I dont… I dont want that'' he admitted, increasing his grip on Karamatsu’s shoulders without even realizing “I don't know shit about the future, but I know I don't want to be separated from any of you guys… I want to be with all of you as long as I can, I can't even imagine being alone… I hate being alone, I can’t stand it! We are still living in the same house and just this distance between us is killing me, what will I do if you all leave...? If I’m the only one left behind…? I don’t want to be alone… I want you all with me...”

God he sounded so clingy. He hated talking about this particular fear of his, because he just sounded like a desperate idiot who wanted to keep all his brothers with him no matter what, but this drift between all of them was getting to him. This was bad, he couldn’t handle being made fun of or called out for his weakness now. It was too much. Why the hell did he let his little brother see what a mess the eldest was…? He should have kept it all in like he usually did, this was bad, it was so bad…

Osomatsu was let out of his spiraling thoughts when Karamatsu let him down on the ground and squirmed in his arms a little. That made Osomatsu panic for a second before he realized he wasn't trying to get out of the hug but rather just turn to face him, so he weakened his hold to allow him. Karamatsu looked at his elder brother for a second before nodding and hugging him back with just as much force as he was.

“Osomatsu-niisan…” he mumbled as he burrowed his face against his shoulder, making Osomatsu instantly pay him complete attention just with that now rare use of the honorific “I… don't have any plans for the future either, but I… I'm scared of us going our separate ways too…”

“You are…?” he replied, a bit surprised to hear that he wasn't the only one with fear of abandonment, since he assumed he was the only one that had this much of an issue with it.

“Yes… It's just... I see how we are starting to drift now, a-and I…” he took a deep breath to calm himself down, Osomatsu instinctively started to rub his back when he noticed his distress just talking about this “I hate how distant we are, I hate that we don’t get along as we used to, I hate the mere thought that this could go on for much longer! I’m so scared it might, but I just… I don't know what to do! I wish I could do something about it, but I'm so useless…”

“You're fine, I'm the eldest, I'm the one that should do something” Osomatsu replied, surprised by how worked up Karamatsu was getting. It seemed like he was probably just as troubled as Osomatsu himself internally was, even if he tried not to show it.

“Well I'm the second eldest!” he complained “I should be able to… to at least try to fix this, but I… I don't even know what's wrong! Is it just growing pains? I know we couldn't just stay the same person forever, and I'm glad we are all changing into our own people! But… but do we have to clash if we do so? Why? I don't want us to hate each other, I love all of you so much, I dont… I dont know what to do without you… I…” he seemingly deflated, looking at Osomatsu with the most miserably sad look he had ever seen in his brother's eyes “I miss us....”

Osomatsu understood. He understood too well, he had the same kind of feelings. That old unit they used to form was changing and possibly breaking apart in the process, and he didn’t know how to fix it, so he had just tried to ignore the problem and keep going as he was. But he missed it, he missed how they used to be.

He should have realized Karamatsu was going through something similar to him, after all the second born had always been more sensitive and kind than the rest of them and always loved all his brothers with complete sincerity. Now that he thought about it, Karamatsu was usually the last one left at the table in every meal wasn't he? And he always looked so miserable every time one of them left… of course seeing how they were acting lately was what was making Karamatsu sad, Osomatsu should have realized that was the problem from the beginning.

“I know what you mean…” he reassured his brother, as he sighed “I think I have it worse than you, because I think I literally have no clue who I am without you guys… but you have this too, uh? I guess it must be an elder brother thing” he couldn’t help but laugh a bit at that “I am terrified of losing you…”

“... I'm more scared of us hating each other” he mumbled against his shoulder as he burrowed his face in it again, sniffing and trying to hold the tears that were forming in his eyes.

“We couldn't hate you, you're too nice” he quickly replied, patting his brothers back reassuringly “But me? I think you all already hate me… and hate the way I am still the same while all of you guys are changing so much…. Maybe that's why they all seem so annoyed with me now, maybe I'm just a reminder of what we lost...”

He had always been the team leader and always been proud of his eldest position, despite the responsibilities that came with it he'd rather avoid sometimes. He was the same kid as before, and the more the others distanced themselves from that…. Well, the more he must seem like a nuisance, as they liked to tell him now whenever he even tried to bother any of them. But what could he do? This was just who he was, who he had always been. And now and they had all started to grow apart this reminder of the past had to be the worst….

“We don't hate you” Karamatsu declared, looking at him with a strange confidence in him and saying more firmly “I don't hate you. I never have, and never will”

“... well, I don't think you could hate any of us tough” he smiled a bit, feeling a slight blush at that heartfelt declaration “Your heart is way too soft when it comes to us… you know, I think I might like that about you”

“Thanks…? I dont think it's that impressive to love my brothers...” he tilted his head a bit at the compliment “But my point is that I might not know what the rest are thinking, but… well, at least I don't hate you or want to abandon you, Osomatsu-niisan. And… if that's the case then I have to think that the rest don't either despite what they might say”

“Uh? What do you mean?”

“I mean that we must all feel a bit of the same when it comes to these things right? If we both shared this fear of abandonment without even realizing, then perhaps the others have it too… and if I don't hate you, then neither do the others, because…” he paused, as he smiled softly before saying half of a phrase Osomatsu hadn’t heard in a long time “Because I am them”

“And we are me…” he completed. How nostalgic… he hadn’t said any of those kinds of things lately. Were they even still true…? Maybe Karamatsu was right and they were still the same deep down, no matter how many changes they had gone through. A connection that couldn’t really be severed… “Yeah, but… it's just so hard to talk to any of you guys right now... and I'm still scared you all will leave the moment we finish high school and you don't have to stay anymore… I don't even know what to do”

“I don't know either, but… at least… I'm glad to know I'm not the only one afraid”

“I guess we will be scared together, uh?” he laughed in response, patting Karamatsu on the back “Yeah… actually it is nice to know…”

In the end, despite their talk, the distance between the brothers and all their problems had overwhelmed them anyway. Their big fight at graduation had made them all mellow out a bit afterwards, finally, but it had still taken a while until they settled on their current state. But to be honest Osomatsu hadn't remembered that he actually shared his feelings with Karamatsu that day until he recalled just now, as most of their high school experience was still a blur in his mind.

“Ah… yeah I guess we did have a similar talk…” he said, trying to confirm they were talking about the same moment “That time you actually carried me on your back for a bit right...?”

“Ah… so you did remember…” he smiled a bit, scratching his neck nervously. “It’s a bit embarrassing… it may be due to our recent reconnecting, but… I recently found myself reminiscing about that conversation… even if it was a bit useless during that time...”

Was that why Karamatsu was a bit embarrassed about it? Because it hadn't really changed much in the grand scheme of things that they shared that rare moment of sincerity? Or maybe it was just the fact that they had both kinda broke down for a moment to share their feelings, that was an unusual thing to happen to either of them, specially when they were young.

“It was a good talk, even if we got a bit swept in all that was going on back then...” Osomatsu quickly remarked to lessen his brother’s worry “And now that I remembered it… actually I feel sorta relieved, maybe, that we are both a bit clingy…”

“Yes, I suppose that's a word for it” Karamatsu laughed softly “I guess my point was that… didn't we establish in that conversation that we both shared this kind of feelings? So it's fine, aniki. We are both scared of being separated from our younger brothers, you don’t have to be ashamed of these feelings when you are with me...”

“Yeah, but you don’t get as mad as I do about it!” he sighed in frustration “You only get sad, I get angry. And that only makes things worse doesn't it?”

“I guess that's true… your temper tantrums whenever one of us tries to get a job or even do anything to advance in society does make you look bad…”

Osomatsu growned, fully aware of that. He knew that it was bad to react that way to what was actually positive change in any of their lives, but… the thought that they would leave him if they did anything like that… the idea of being left alone... it still terrified him. So he got angry, tried to make them give up on their attempts and just stay at home. And that only made his brothers resent him, he was sure… and what was the point in them all staying if they all hated him? He didn’t want that either… but he didn’t want them to leave much harder.

“Perhaps this could be alleviated… if I stayed?” Karamatsu suggested after being thoughtful for a while “I could promise to always stay by your side, and then your fears of being completely abandoned would cease, letting you be less controlling of our little brothers”

“Karamatsu, no, I can't do that to you!” Osomatsu immediately protested.

“It's not a problem” Karamatsu replied, like he wasn’t just casually offering to throw away any chance of a future he might have like the self sacrificing idiot he was.

“It is! I don't want you to hate me for tying you down like that! I do that enough without you purposefully staying!”

“I don’t hate you, and I don't mind it” he laughed softly, striking a bit of a pose “I have no plans! So I would be fine staying with you, and I'm happy when my brothers are happy…”

“Ugh you're such a people pleaser, you need to think more of yourself!” Why did Karamatsu always do this kind of thing?

“If you need someone to stay with you this badly, I can fulfill that role. And… in truth perhaps it would be nice to feel... needed…” he mumbled, blushing slightly at the admission.

“Ah, we are not dealing with your need for attention and love right now too are we?” he sighed. Karamatsu did have a bit of a problem of wanting to be loved, as his true timid nature still got him to be insecure about his brothers love for him quite often, as Osomatsu had found out when he managed to make him confess to all of that by being annoying until he gave in and let himself be taken care of. He had been spoiling Karamatsu a bit from time to time since then, making sure he didn’t feel neglected too long and reached a breaking point he had probably been dangerously close to when this arrangement started.

It was a bit ridiculous how Karamatsu insisted on being coddled only when they were alone, but Osomatsu didn’t really mind the weird secretiveness if it kept his little brother from being too shy to even ask for attention, since that had been his biggest problem. Osomatsu was just glad he was allowed to be as doting with him as he wanted when it happened, since most of his brother’s just got tired of the attention after a while or got too embarrassed whenever he tried something similar. Meanwhile Karamatsu let him hug him and cuddle him all he wanted without protest, sometimes even actually whining whenever he stopped after he started to get used to the attention. It was like petting a very affectionate dog who sat on your lap and tried to get you to pet him again every time you tried to move your hand away.

Personally he thought it was kinda cute how needy he could be… uh, now that he thought about it Osomatsu was pretty much the same when it came to that, just he was usually way more demanding of attention. Maybe they were indeed more similar than he thought.

He patted Karamatsu’s head softly, “I thought we got that problem sorted out?”

“It's not an issue that would easily just disappear like that, aniki… even if your very thoughtful pampering sessions with me starve off my need for affection for a while, my fears of being hated by my brothers always come back. And so, like me and my own worries, your fear of being left alone also hasn't left you despite my assurances and all this time passing” he responded, letting his older brother pat his head without protest “But I think it'll be fine if you just… let me help you with that, as you did with me? Maybe then you won’t get this infuriated whenever this issue is brought up”

“Well… yeah, but… ugh, I hate that I can get so angry about this shit!” he grumbled, frustrated at his own inability to keep his emotions under control “Remember what happened last time I let these abandonment issues get the better of me? I got so damm angry I hit Jyushimatsu because I was mad at Choromatsu leaving and you punched me in the fucking face!”

“Yes, you deserved that punch” his brother nodded “But after that I also calmed you down, didn't I?”

Well… that was true. After Karamatsu had carried him out to the street despite the eldest kicking and screaming, he had hugged him afterwards. Despite his initial protests and menaces of killing Karamatsu as soon as he let him go, the eldest had eventually just sank into the hug in misery, trying his hardest not to start sobbing while his younger brother held him tightly.

“...yeah, you did…” Osomatsu said. Honestly, he was grateful Karamatsu had done that, even if he had been very mad and sulky at the time. He shouldn't have lashed out in the first place, but Karamatsu had quickly taken control of the situation and got him out before he could do anymore damage, and even calmed him down afterwards. The second eldest could really be dependable sometimes, especially when it came to protecting the rest of his brothers… even from his eldest one. “I still haven't thanked you for that haven’t I? For taking me out of there and calming me down…. You did a great job, little brother, so um… thanks…”

“It was the only thing I could think to do... I'm glad it helped you, even if temporarily…” Karamatsu said, frowning a bit as if he was disappointed in himself for having had to resort to violence back then. Which he didn't have to be disappointed about, honestly Osomatsu DID deserve that punch back then, and no one else would have done that.

“...why did you leave too, back then?” he asked, a bit curious. He had been wondering about that for a while. He could understand everyone else leaving: Choromatsu and Todomatsu had always been the most eager to leave out of all them, Jyushimatsu had managed to get a job and Ichimatsu had left last without any apparent plan, but he probably just didn’t want to rot in the house with the by then very bitter Osomatsu. But Karamatsu… he still didn’t fully understand that one.

“... I wanted to… at least try. At least once, to try to make it on my own…” Karamatsu mumbled, looking down in shame “I… thought that if I didn’t… I would be an utter failure…. But honestly… I hated it. I hated it out there, I hated being on my own, because even if I was living at Chibitas house I didn’t have any of you with me... I hated having to wear that suit and try to get a job, I hated having to actually get on my knees and beg and still getting nowhere…”

Had Karamatsu seriously begged on the floor for a job...? That seemed a bit much...

“I didn’t make much progress at all, and I suppose I came back a much less ambitious man” he laughed self deprecatingly “I would like to advance someday, perhaps, but… ah, the prospect of having to deal with such loneliness and hardships again scares me far too much, so… I’m fine like this. So you see... I could promise to keep you company, Osomatsu, and it wouldn’t really cost me that much…” he shrugged “I think staying by your side as long as you need me would be a far more worthy future plan for me than none at all, at least… and as long as I also have you by my side, I won’t feel unloved or abandoned, and neither would you...”

Osomatsu hummed thoughtfully. It was true that that would be a mutually beneficial agreement, kinda like the one they already had of Osomatsu getting to coddle Karamatsu from time to time, which satisfied the eldest desire for physical affection and general pampering of his brothers and the second eldest need for love and attention. But this was way more of a serious agreement. Wanting to spend possibly the rest of his life next to Osomatsu seemed a bit too much of a compromise for anyone to take, and for someone like him? He truly wasn’t worth it. Why the hell would anyone want to do that? He was the worst. Although...

“Hey, do you… still like me how I am?” he asked impulsively. He hadn’t meant to actually ask out loud so he quickly tried to explain himself “I mean… I remembered from that conversation back in high school when we had that talk, you said something like that, that you liked the way I am, despite me not changing… and well, now it's been way longer and I still haven't changed! Which is way worse if you think about it cause I'm an adult now, technically, and here I am still a piece of shit! So… um… you still think that's fine?”

It’s not like he was ashamed of who he was, he probably didn't have the capacity for real shame. But… maybe he did feel a bit inadequate from time to time, especially when his brothers called him out on being the shitty eldest they all agreed he was. And remembering that young Karamatsu who had said he liked him still being the same immature person he always was… it was nice. So nice he couldn’t help but ask if that was still true.

“Of course I do” Karamatsu answered, without a trace of doubt “I know I do poke fun at you at times along with our brothers, or just directly confront you on your bad behaviour, as it is hard not to concede you are quite terrible sometimes. But that doesn’t make me like you any less, my devotion for you hasn’t really diminished too much in all these years. In fact, in a way I think I might have more respect for you now, since at least you are capable of being honest to what your true character is... while I disguise mine under a facade…”

“I don't know why you do it Karamatsu, it seems like such a hassle to put up that cool guy act all the time” he made a dismissive gesture with his hand. Honestly, Karamatsu was also fine the way he was, in Osomatsus opinion. But he had settled on that cool guy persona so much it seemed like he had trouble going back now, even if Osomatsu usually managed to get through to that real timid man under it quite easily when he wanted to.

“...for me it is much harder to be true to myself…” the second born admitted, looking at his elder brother with a soft smile “Which is why I admire that in you. And… I suppose I still find comfort in the fact that you are still the same… despite whatever changes occur and how much time passes I know I can always rely on my big brother being the same as he always has been. Always a bit too blunt, lazy, greedy and perverted, sure… but also always there when I need him, accepting despite all my faults, someone I can have fun with, and as my only older brother probably the only person I feel I can depend on.... I… truly am grateful for that...”

Osomatsu had to pause to admire Karamatsu's honest words and feelings. It wasn’t often that he was actually complimented just for being who he was, much less admired for it. Though he supposed that for someone like Karamatsu who hid under a persona just because he was too timid and insecure of his real self, seeing him unashamedly just be who he was despite all the very deserved insults that came his way must be incredible. Still, being relied on as sort of an unchanging constant and seeing his immaturity as something positive instead of the personal failure everyone else seemed to think it was… he liked that. He liked it a lot.

“...you really would stay with me through anything, uh?” he smiled slightly, looking at his younger brother and feeling a warm sense of pride within him. Karamatsu truly was too nice, there was no other explanation for him liking him this much despite everything. That he was willing to stick by him despite all his flaws was incredible on its own, but that he honestly looked up to him… that was so amazing.

Of course Osomatsu loved to be a reliable older brother, but that usually took work and effort. Which he was willing to put in those occasions when his brothers truly needed him to, obviously! But not ALL the time, he was still a lazy person by nature. That made it so most of them didn't really look up to him that much, even if they were willing to rely on him when they had to.

Yet apparently Karamatsu looked up to him and admired him, and even relied on him, just for being himself. Man, what did he do to deserve him?

“Of course I would stay with you if you want…” his brother said, looking at Osomatsu with pure conviction in his eyes “You wouldn't even have to ask me, if I saw you sink into despair… I would stay with you, Osomatsu-niisan”

“Aaah, low blow, your Onii-chan is weak to you using that word for him!” Osomatsu complained, blushing slightly at that. He really knew how to drop that to make maximum damage didn't he? Maybe he switched to aniki just to be able to do this to him, it certainly was effective.

Still… Karamatsu was very capable of just staying because he saw his brother being sad, there was no doubt about that. And Osomatsu knew he would be completely miserable if he was left alone, after his initial anger passed. And strangely enough it seemed Karamatsu was also the best suited to handle his anger as well, seeing how he had taken control of the situation back when he lost his temper when Choromatsu was left, and even how he had approached him today with total calm.

The idea of Karamatsu always being there by his side was so nice. It was so comforting to know that at least he would stay, especially when he considered that everyone else could leave.

“I think… I'd like that, if you stayed I mean…” he mumbled, frowning a bit. It was tempting. It was so tempting to just accept, but… “It just… feels so selfish, even for me...”

He was a greedy selfish bastard, he knew that, but even he had his limits. And keeping one of his brothers tied to him like that….

“It's not selfish if I’m being selfish with it too, don't you think? If staying by your side it's also helping me feel needed and loved… and you do that splendidly...” Karamatsu admitted, blushing slightly. Osomatsu couldn't help but smile a bit at that, it was cute how flustered he could get.

“You know I like spoiling you, you don’t have to be so embarrassed about it” At the start of their little arrangement it had always been Osomatsu who had to insist on Karamatsu needing some coddling time, but as time went on his little brother had started to ask for it too. It was adorable everytime, seeing Karamatsu meekly ask for attention with his regular voice since he was always feeling insecure when he needed to ask for this, and how happy he got when Osomatsu agreed immediately.

“It’s… very embarrassing for me to be so needy” he admitted, trying to hide his blush a bit by hiding his face with his hand. It wasn’t very effective “But still, I… I truly cherish that you are willing to pay attention to me like that, to… to indulge me in such a way. It’s really helped me, more than you can imagine, so now I… I know that I need that from time to time, and no one else but you could do it… so… I wouldn’t mind repaying the favour by staying by our side unconditionally...”

“...so we are both selfish assholes who want company and attention, what a thing to share” he laughed, shaking his head. Maybe they both had a big brother complex or something, and the idea of not having any of their brothers around was just too much for either of them to handle. “But well… I guess that's fine… if you are really sure about this, then… I think I can accept your offer, Karamatsu...”

He got close and hugged Karamatsu, who after a second of surprise since he had to still be processing that his idea had been accepted laughed happily and reciprocated the hug. Osomatsu sighed contently as he sunk his face in his younger brother's shoulder, feeling much more soothed now that he knew for sure that at least one of his little brothers would always be there for him, no matter what happened. If Karamatsu was anything he was loyal, so he knew he would stand by his word now that he had given it.

“Aaah… whenever I get this pissy you should just force me to hug it out, this is great...” Osomatsu said, snuggling closer into the hug, truly pacified now.

“You really love physical affection a lot, umm?” Karamatsu commented, as he rubbed his elder brothers back distractedly “Not that I mind, I like it as well…”

“Yeah, you do. You really are just like me on this, you melt in my hugs and pampering when I do it to you” he snickered when that reminder made Karamatsu blush slightly.

“Well… it's nice… and usually I'm in very dire need of affection by the time we get to that point” he complained.

“Hey, hey, I'm not saying it's bad when I'm clearly worse than you on this too” he laughed. He truly was lucky to have a little brother that was so understanding and shared at least some of his clinginess “Just… you know…. You are amazing, Karamatsu, really… thank you...”

Karamatus looked at his brother for a moment, as if questioning if he was really okay by now. What he saw must have convinced him because he laughed. A laugh with his very fake deep voice which was slightly obnoxious, apparently sensing the mood could be lighted now “Ah, It was nothing! Just me performing a wonderful act of service I would gladly do if the occasion required it! As our brotherly bond will carry us both through harsh times, I shall always cherish it dearly! Mi hermano!”

“The hell was that? That wasn't english, or french, I don't think…” he frowned, trying to decipher that last word.

“It was spanish” he smiled smugly, apparently proud of himself for that “I thought I'd vary it up a bit”

“Ugh, dont, the other two other languages are more than enough!” he laughed despite the fake pain he was acting out “I won't be able to take it if you up the painfulness like that!”