Chapter Text
"Draal! Just the troll I wanted to see!"
He looked at her, bewildered. "Trollhunter?"
"'sup, big guy!" She reached up and patted his cheek. "Looking very swell today! Your cheekbones -" she gave a chef's kiss "- as always, on point. You have got killer cheekbones, you know. And those musc-"
Toby was quick to silence her. "Sorry! Sorry, she’s in a mood! Please ignore everything she says!" He turned around, dragging her with him.
Before being shoved out the door, Jamie waved and gave her parting words. "Keep it crispy, handsome!"
Draal blinked.
What just happened?
Hours after the whole mess with the Grit-Shaka went down, Toby and Jamie found themselves winding down in her room. While he was busy quietly rummaging around in his backpack for candy to stress-eat, Jamie stared straight ahead, mulling over the events of the day.
Slowly, as if she had realized something horrible, she said, "Oh my god, I told Draal he had killer cheekbones."
Toby gave a triumphant ‘Aha!’ under his breath and sat down, Nougat Nummy in hand. He took a bite and shrugged. "So you gave a guy a compliment. Big deal. Could've been worse."
"I didn't give a guy a compliment. I gave Draal a compliment."
Toby kept on chewing. "So? It's not like you like him or anyth- ooooohhhhhhhhh . Oohhh - oh! Oh."
Jamie looked at him miserably.
"Hold on, I'm not done. Oooohhhhh - there, I think that's all of it. Now - " he threw his empty Nougat Nummy wrapping in the air "- girl what?! You like- like Draal?!"
"Shh! Not so loud, Tobes!" She looked around nervously. "He lives in my basement, remember?"
"Isn't that weird? Having your crush living in your basement?"
"Tobes!"
"Sorry! Sorry, I'm still processing. I'm just -" he paused, thinking over the words he wanted to say. "You and Draal? Whatever brought this on? Not that I hate the guy, he's plenty cool, but - y'know." He mimed horns with his hands. "Troll. Didn't know you were into those."
Jamie groaned. "I don't know, Tobes. I just -" she made a vague gesture with her hand "- I just feel... something ."
Toby leaned forwards on his seat; he seemed a bit too eager for her liking. "What? You find him cute?"
"Tobes!" she hissed.
He raised his hands in a placating gesture. "Hey! I'm just curious! Remember that documentary we saw about - whatwasit - how babies learned to recognize humans because it was important for their survival to know their mother from a stranger?”
Jamie gave a slow, hesitant nod. Toby could almost hear the reluctant, dragged-out ‘yeah? ’ in the motion.
Meh, should be enough, he supposed. “Obviously, you’re not a baby, but the idea is similar. Hear me out - what if you're experiencing something like that... but with trolls? You’ve been spending so much time around them lately, that your brain is starting to adapt!” He threw his arms outwards in excitement, waiting for the look of realization to dawn on Jamie’s face.
She stared at him instead. “You’re losing me, Tobes.”
He fixed her with a fake serious look. “Girl, you gotta get on the same wavelength as me.” Then he broke into a smile. “But really, what I mean is, what if your brain, now that it’s more familiar with trolls, is starting to…” he struggled to find the right word, “...differentiate them? Like really differentiate them?” At Jamie’s nonplussed look, he added, “Your mind thinks some of them are pretty now!”
Jamie gave a nervous laugh and shook her head. “I don’t know about that. Sounds like quite the stretch.”
Toby crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. He didn’t look like he believed her at all.
Jamie managed to hold out for an astounding two seconds longer than expected. “Okay, so you miiiiight not be so far off the mark -”
Toby squealed, “I knew it!” He sat next to her on her bed and elbowed her playfully. “You gotta spill now, girl. Do you find Draal cute? Wait -” he gasped, thought process switching tracks to god-knows-where, “- do you think other trolls find him cute?!”
Jamie opened her mouth, but reconsidered. "That's a good question, actually."
Toby nodded eagerly. "Maybe our beauty standards overlap! Maybe everybody thinks he's cute. Although…" he trailed off. "You could be an outlier, too. Maybe you're the only one who thinks he’s cute, while the other trolls - oh my god, what if he’s ugly?!”
“Ugly?” she repeated, incredulous.
Toby blew a raspberry. “I know. Ridiculous.” He rubbed his chin in thought. “Though, he could be totally average, at least for trolls - like, maybe he’s cute to you, but in a human-only sort of way? Cute by human standards, average by troll standards.” He pursed his lips. “That sounds like a mangled translation of a Gun Robot tagline.” Clearing his throat, he continued in a mock-narrator voice, “Superhero by night, average citizen by d - sorry, did you say something?”
She mumbled.
"C'mon, Jay-Jay, out with it!" He patted her on the back for encouragement.
Jamie muttered something under her breath. Then, louder, "I never said he was cute - not to say he isn't!" she rushed to clarify at Toby's wide eyes. "I mean- while he has his moments of being... adorable - like when his nose wiggles! Or the look he gets when he’s excited, or confused, or -” she stopped short.
What was she even saying?!
“I- I mean, I think he's more -" she held her palm out in the air, as if the perfect words would land there if she waited long enough. What would Draal even think of this conversation? What was he even doing right now, down there? Eating burning coals? " - hot? Pretty! I mean pretty! I mean- he's probably handsome by troll standards, but- ack! All the words are coming out wrong!” She slumped. “Can we forget this entire conversation ever happened?"
Toby made a high-pitched sound. "No way! No backtracking on this one! I can't believe my bestie is crushing on -" at Jamie's panicked look, he dropped his volume for the last words "- a troll."
Jamie dragged her hands over her face. "Ugh, don't remind me."
"Aww, c'mon girl. It can't be that bad! There’s still hope." He leaned closer to her and whispered conspiratorially, “Between you and me, I think Draal likes you too.”
Jamie sighed. "That just makes it worse."
The sudden change in tone didn't escape Toby. "What do you mean? What's wrong?"
She ran a hand through her hair, nervous. “What if it’s more than a crush? What if it turns out to be…” Averting her eyes, she continued, “...something more?"
"Like love?" he whispered.
Jamie felt her face warm up. "Maybe, I don't know. I think it's too early to tell, but - the possibility is there and -" she took a deep breath "- and it's terrifying. "
Toby grimaced. "Ouch, overthinking alert. Lay it on me, girl, I'll listen."
She bit her lip. "Well, what if he does like me, like you say? Trolls live forever, Tobes! I'll be old and wrinkly and he will still be eighteen or something. To him, I'll be gone in the blink of an eye."
Toby made a noncommittal sound, shoved a hand into his backpack and brought out another Nougat Nummy. "Assuming you survive Bular that is."
Jamie gave him a flat stare.
"Joking! Joking. We will survive him, y'know? Beat his evil butt into the ground, pound him into literal dust, the whole deal - we're awesome like that. Not to mention that Aaarrrgghh and Draal are on our side. No way we're losing this one." He pointed the treat towards her. "Nougat Nummy for your sorrows?"
Jamie took it, but didn't open it. She watched as Toby got another one from his backpack.
"Besides, you could simply die from a bus hitting you tomorrow."
“Tobes!”
He shrugged. “What? It’s true. There are a lot of things that can kill you that aren’t related to being the Trollhunter.” He listed them off, “Cars, diseases, Coach Lawrence’s gym class - your mom once she finds out about your Spanish grades.”
Jamie groaned. “I thought you were going to cheer me up.”
“I’m building up to that, don’t worry.” He took a bite out of his candy. “Point is, you gotta enjoy what time you have, Jay-Jay. Obsessing over what little time you have left - or how much time you have already wasted - instead of actually doing the things you want to do will only leave you with regrets.” He waved the Nummy in the air, throwing crumbs everywhere. “‘Best time to plant a tree is yesterday, second best time is today’ and all that.”
Jamie blinked. “That’s… deep.”
“Yeah, I read it somewhere on the Internet.” He nudged her with his elbow. “Remember that thing Strickler mentioned in class, meme-two mora or something?”
“Memento mori?”
Toby nodded. “Yup. You already know the ending, but whatever happens between here and death - well, that’s up to you. One ending, thousands of possible middles.” He seemed to lose himself in thought for a few seconds. Then he gasped, as if he had found the perfect analogy. “Think of it like that romance movie with the terminally-ill girl!”
The journey Jamie’s face went through was almost worthy of its own Tolkien novel. “What.”
Toby ploughed on, “Alright, hear me out. Barring any reasons of a more stabby, external nature, you still likely - make that a definitely - won’t live as long as Draal. Would you like it if he kept you at arm’s length the entire time, only to change his mind at the very end?”
Jamie shook her head. Her voice was small when she spoke up, “We would both be miserable.”
“Exactly!” He threw an arm over her shoulders. “What I’m saying, girl, is go for it. Don’t dwell too much on what’s a given, and focus on what you want and how to best get it." He made a cutting motion with his hand. "Don't cut your already short time together shorter, ya get?”
“But what if he wants kids?”
That caught Toby off guard. He spluttered, “Woah woah woah, girl what - I- I mean, what- h- how many bases have you gone through with this guy in your head?!” His voice strained with the effort to keep the volume down. Considering the… kind of information he was trying to process, he thought he was doing a pretty good job.
Jamie blushed and looked elsewhere. “Well, it’s a possibility.”
Toby wheezed. He sounded a bit like he was dying inside.
Jamie stubbornly crossed her arms. “Still a possibility,” she repeated.
“Y-yeah. Just let a guy collect his thoughts,” he admitted weakly. “Sheesh, girl, you’re killing me.” He poked her in the side. “You’re killing your bestie, Jay.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You seem pretty alive to me.”
“For now, wait until my heart gives out.” He took a large gulp of air and finally seemed to recompose himself. “Alright, I think I got it.”
She looked at him wide-eyed. “You do?”
“Yup. I got it - along with some mental scarring - but I got it. The answer is -” he pointed a finger in the air “- adoption.”
Jamie blinked. “Adoption.”
Toby hummed. “Adoption,” he repeated. “If it does... get that far.”
“Huh,” she said. “I can’t believe it never occurred to me.”
“That’s what overthinking does to you - you obsess over so many things that the simple solutions slip through the cracks.”
Jamie cracked a smile, but it fell as a new thought occurred to her. She shot a long look at the Amulet lying a few inches away from her; it seemed to glow brighter at her attention.
“I know I joke a lot about being able to read your thoughts, Jay-Jay, but I can’t actually do it.”
Jamie sighed and looked back at Toby. His green eyes were shining with worry. “I don’t think the Amulet comes with maternity leave, Tobes.”
“Oh,” he fell silent at that, because what was there to say? “Wait, no. Kanjigar had a son, we know him! He lives in your basement! He’s probably munching on your coal as we speak!”
She couldn’t help the snort that escaped her. “That sounds like the world’s weirdest euphemism.”
Toby recoiled. “Eww, nooo, I’m gonna need brain bleach for that one. Don’t twist my words like this, vile woman.”
Jamie burst into laughter. “God, never change, Tobes.”
The laughter was contagious, and soon enough he was laughing along with her. Once they both calmed down, he spoke up, “For real, though. If the previous Trollhunter could find the time to have and raise a kid, so can you.” He seemed to reconsider his words. “Hypothetically speaking, of course.”
Jamie grinned. “Relax, Tobes, I’m not going to run off to have a kid right now.”
“You better not, I have already gone through enough heart attacks today.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic.”
He gasped in mock-offense. “Dramatic who? Me? ”
Jamie burst out laughing again. By the end, she had to wipe away a few tears. “You’re right, Tobes - about the time thing, I mean.” She grabbed the Amulet, tracing the engravings with her thumb. It hummed in her grip. “I may be the Trollhunter, and everybody may insist that it’s a twenty-four seven job - forever-binding, until my death at least - but if we take Bular out of the picture…” She smiled to herself. “I think I could do it, I think there would be enough time.”
Toby patted her on the arm.”See? Your hypothetical future kids will be fine. It’ll be like working any other nine-to-five job, with Draal as the stay-at-home action mom and Bagdwella as the boss who asks for unpaid overtime at the worst possible times.” He frowned. “So, more like working retail then,” he corrected himself.
Jamie snorted. “Toby, your comparisons are the worst.”
He shrugged. “Hey, if it works. Besides, you can always adopt a teenager. They won’t need as much attention as a baby troll.”
She gave him a small smile. “I suppose I could.”
Toby nodded excitedly. “So! All bases covered, then.” He stretched, cracking his neck to the side. “ Phew! Girl, your overthinking sessions are quite the workouts. You still keep your sleeping bag around here? I think I’m gonna fall asleep on the spot, I’m exhausted.”
“Yeah, it should be over by the shelves.” She pointed to the spot, and was startled by the presence of a Nougat Nummy in her hand. She brought it closer to inspection. “Oh, I had forgotten about this.”
“Testament to your anxiety,” Toby said, laying down the bag and quickly making himself comfortable inside, clothes and all. “You’re feeling better now, right?”
She gave a quick nod. “Thanks to you, Tobes.”
He smiled at her. “That’s what besties are for. Now go to sleep, girl, you look like a mess.”
She stuck out her tongue at him. “I’m going to enjoy this first. Chocolate is like magi -” she stopped short, then let out a loud groan. “I can’t believe we forgot about that!”
“Forgot about what?”
She slapped her forehead. “Magic, Tobes, magic! Blinky probably knows about a spell or two that can help me. Ugh, I’m an idiot.”
“Hey now, that idiot happens to be my best friend. Don’t call her names.”
“I know, I know, I just -” she groaned again. “This is so frustrating!”
But Toby was ready. “You know what I think you are? I think you’re tired, and angry, and that you really need to sleep - because a lot of bad things happened today and you must be running on fumes at this point, so take a break and sleep. ” He took his arm out of the sleeping bag. “I’ll come out of this bag to mother you if necessary!”
Something about those words combined with the sight of Toby looking like a caterpillar thanks to the sleeping bag popped her building frustration much like a needle to a balloon. She deflated on the spot. “Alright, alright! I’m still eating this, though.”
“You better!” Toby said, bringing his arm inside the bag again. “I mean the sleeping thing, eating the Nougat Nummy is not necessary.”
She brought up the candy and opened it. “I know, but I want to. I think the conversation left me a bit hungry.” She took a bite and felt flavor explode inside her mouth. “A lot hungrier,” she corrected, closing her eyes in bliss.
“Sounds like you were hangry , then,” Toby joked.
Jamie just made an affirmative sound. She took another bite from her Nougat Nummy. God, sweet chocolate heaven.
“Hey, random thought. If you and Draal -”
She didn’t even bother to open her eyes. “Yeah?”
“If you two somehow managed to have a kid together, do you think your combined leg length would cancel itself out and the kid would end up with average-sized legs?”
Jamie choked.