Work Text:
Rating: PG
Pairing: John/Cam
Disclaimer: We, the fans, do not own Stargate Atlantis; which, in fact is a good thing because if we did the characters would be...
Gay, bi, straight, asexual, confused, loving everyone, hating everyone, sleeping with everyone, getting everyone pregnant, getting themselves pregnant, trying kill everyone, saving everyone, dieing as they save everyone, ascending, unascending, going insane, acting like teenage girls, crying, scarred, disfigured, mutated, jerks, womanziers, manizers, (is that even a word?) perverts, fanatics, liberals, conservatives, stupid, smart, out of character and us fans would still be unhappy :P
Archive: Ask first.
Cam looked out the bay window of the house he just purchased. Alone. He had held such hopes that John would return…say it was a mistake. After no word for about a year, Cam figured he should start thinking of moving on. Only he didn’t know how to. All he knew was that when he told John that he loved him, he meant it. It was love; an all encompassing emotion he couldn’t just get over. Like his parents’ marriage, Cam knew he’d love John for the rest of his life.
So…here he was in his new house – it would never be a home without love to fill it – watching another dawn rise. The sky held fabulous colors of blues, purples and rose and he felt some positive emotion at the beauty before him. He had these sleepless nights sometimes. It usually was triggered by something and Cam knew it was the movie he’d watched the night before. One of the songs in the movie reminded him of John. It was slow and country; not one of Cam’s usual favorite styles of music. The song was full of aching heartache and mirrored how he felt now when he thought of the promise of a life together had driven Cam over the years; it had given him hope and a goal to strive for.
Then one day, after John had been in Atlantis for a while, John had come to him and told him he didn’t want to leave Cam always waiting for him to return, when the odds and uncertainty of John making it back to Earth was slim. So, he’d told Cam and tried to let him down easy by telling him it would have probably not worked out anyway, as he’d always been so terrible at relationships anyway. It hadn’t been easy or painless. His wakeful nights attest to the pain he felt at being released from their promise to be together through good times and bad. He sighed deeply, feeling the ache of old wounds and new ones the human eye couldn’t see.
He could smell that the pot of coffee he’d made was ready and turned from the spectacular colors of the sunrise, allowing the drapes to block out the light that was beginning to fill in the dark, vague shadows. As he poured coffee into John’s old mug he kept for these times, times he needed to feel John’s presence and a reminder of better times. Cam was thinking about making his breakfast when there was a knock at his front door. Curious and a bit alarmed at who could be coming to his home at that ungodly hour, Cam put down his mug and went to answer it. He thought as he walked, that in another place and dimension he would have a reason to fear. Those left on the home front during a war were often told of a death during combat by the military coming to the door or by telegram, as they did during the Vietnam War.
He brought his attention to the matter at hand and opened his door. To his surprise, there stood the love of his life and the man of his dreams, one John Sheppard, Lieutenant Colonel, USAF. Cam said nothing, but just looked the man over. John was dressed in jeans, boots and a white linen shirt that looked a bit wrinkled, but was weirdly a good look on John. It was plain he hadn’t shaved that day and his eyes looked blood shot. Cam tipped his head to the left and regarded the expression on his ex-lovers face. A mixture of emotions were playing across John’s face too quickly to grasp and Cam wondered what was about to go down.
“So…” Cam started, when it became apparent John was going to continue to stand and stare at him. For one brief, irrational moment, Cam wondered if he’d fallen asleep and was dreaming that John was standing in his doorway. He knew from the itchy stubble on his own chin and the tired ache in his joints from the chill of the early morning that he was very awake. He continued, “Why ya here John? Something happen at…your post?”
John cleared his throat and said, “No…I really needed to see you, Cam. I…this couldn’t wait. Ah…can I come in?”
Cam backed up without saying anything and opened the door wider in a silent invitation. John walked past him and Cam got a whiff of the odors clinging to his ex’s skin. He smelled wind, a little sweat and the fading scent of John’s aftershave. Memories rushed to the forefront of his mind and he used will power to squash them before old memories played havoc with his emotions. He cleared his throat before saying, “Have a seat.”
After John had taken a seat on his couch, Cam remembered the manners his Momma had taught him and offered John a cup of coffee.
“I’d really, really like one, Cam, thanks.” Cam retrieved his mug and gave John the hot beverage from a mug that had never been used. He said nothing by way of explanation when John saw his old mug and recognition was clear on his face. For a long moment, both just drank some of their coffee in silence.
Leaning forward to cup his hands around the mug, John looked in his coffee and in a quiet voice broke into the reason his was sitting in front of Cam without preamble, “I came to regret my decision almost immediately. I really had believed it was for the best, Cam. I really want you to know that.”
Cam nodded his head and searched John’s face and expressions for any indication of what was going through that brain. John didn’t leave him wondering for very long.
“Cam, do you…can we….,” John started and Cam could see the struggle he was going through trying to find the words for what he wanted to express to Cam. He waited for a bit and then took pity on him.
“Can we what, John?”
“You’re not making this easy,” John raised his hands in appeasement, “not that I deserve an easy time of it, but you have to remember how hard it has always been for me to talk about…my feelings.”
Cam put his coffee mug on the small table, entwined his fingers as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. Looking John in the eye, he asked softly, “What are you trying to ask me, John?”
John rubbed his palms on his thighs in an obvious attempt to dry the sweat. With rapid abruptness, John was looking intensely back into Cam’s eyes. He could see clearly the color of his eyes as what other people described with an ordinary description as Hazel, was actually green eyes with brown auroras around the irises; Exceptional, and beautiful. Just like John, who couldn’t see it at all.
“Do you think we could try ‘us’ again?” Cam watched as the irises shrank a bit further in John’s eyes as his nervousness grew.
“That depends, John,” Cam said. He really wasn’t sure what he wanted, but Cam did know he needed to make sure of one thing first. If they did try again, Cam couldn’t go through John leaving him again. He couldn’t take that a second time. “Are you here for good or are you just looking for a soft place to fall?”
“I’m here for good, Cam,” John said as he put down his generic mug. “When I discovered it was you I couldn’t live without, everything else just seemed to have less importance. I’ve had enough of Pegasus and I’ve put in for transfer to the SGC or I’ll retire if that’s what it’ll take to have you back in my life.”
Cam nodded his head and replied, “Good answer. I guess we could give it another shot.” Cam was never one to hold grievances and he knew without any doubt that he had never been out of love with John. He never would. Cam was then startled when John abruptly stood and rushed to where Cam was sitting. He pulled Cam onto his feet and enveloped him in a bone crushing embrace. Shocked, Cam knew then that the love between them blazed as bright as it ever had and had never diminished.