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They are taking it slow. They are taking it so slow that Jiang Cheng isn’t even sure he can call Lan Xichen his boyfriend yet, even though they go on dates two or more times a week.
But Lan Xichen is incredibly understanding and accepting of Jiang Cheng’s slow pace and always gives him a choice, especially when it comes to physical contact.
He always offers; a hand on the table, a lifted arm for Jiang Cheng to slide under, his face for a greeting kiss, but he always makes sure that it’s Jiang Cheng’s decision.
Jiang Cheng would mind it, would think that Lan Xichen doesn’t actually want to do any of those things with Jiang Cheng, if it weren’t for the entirely adorable way his entire being seems to light up whenever Jiang Cheng accepts the offered contact.
The first time Jiang Cheng has kissed him on the lips in greeting, he feared Lan Xichen would set something on fire, he was beaming that much.
“You’re thinking,” Lan Xichen suddenly says and reaches over the table to flick Jiang Cheng’s forehead. “Good or bad?”
It’s something else Jiang Cheng has noticed; Lan Xichen likes to check in on him like that in regular intervals, always makes sure that this is still what Jiang Cheng wants and sometimes Jiang Cheng really has to fight the urge to straight up jump Lan Xichen.
He knows that Lan Xichen wouldn’t mind, would actually welcome it, but Jiang Cheng isn’t yet ready to propel their relationship forward like that.
“I think good?” Jiang Cheng tries, even though he’s hesitant to voice his thoughts.
“Want to share?” Lan Xichen asks and puts his hand on the table, a clear offer for Jiang Cheng to take it.
Lan Xichen has picked up on the fact that Jiang Cheng sometimes does better when he can hold Lan Xichen’s hand, or when he can snuggle into his side, and he never hesitates to offer that comfort to Jiang Cheng.
Jiang Cheng reaches out to take Lan Xichen’s hand without hesitation and threads their fingers together.
He takes a moment to simply breathe before he looks at Lan Xichen again.
“You’re my—I mean, when I talk about you, I can say that you’re my boyfriend, right?” Jiang Cheng asks, mostly to confirm it for himself, and not because he is still doubting everything he has with Lan Xichen, and Lan Xichen seems to know it, because he smiles softly at him.
“Of course I am, my heart. I hoped that was clear.”
Jiang Cheng blushes with the use of that endearment, like he always does, and then nods.
“It was. It is. I just wanted to be sure,” he agrees and Lan Xichen lifts their hands to press a kiss to Jiang Cheng’s knuckles.
There are still days where Jiang Cheng spirals; where he’s convinced that he’s the worst thing to ever happen to Lan Xichen, but Lan Xichen never gives him that feeling, and Wei Wuxian is always there to catch him when it happens, too.
Jiang Cheng has to admit that being open with his thoughts and feelings has been a great help.
“Then be very sure of this,” Lan Xichen tells him and Jiang Cheng smiles at him and nods.
They enjoy the rest of their date, right until Jiang Cheng’s phone rings.
“It’s Wei Wuxian,” Jiang Cheng says, right before he accepts the call and when his brother doesn’t immediately start to yell into his ear, he knows that something is wrong.
“What is it?” Jiang Cheng asks, and immediately a frown appears on Lan Xichen’s face.
He must be worried that something happened to Lan Wangji.
“I’m really sorry,” Wei Wuxian starts with and Jiang Cheng’s stomach drops.
“For what?” Jiang Cheng presses out, but he knows that voice.
It’s Wei Wuxian’s ‘your mother was here and now I feel worthless again’-voice and Jiang Cheng would be content with his life if he never had to hear it again.
Lan Xichen seems to realize that something is definitely wrong, because he abandons his own seat to come over to Jiang Cheng’s side, so he can press close into Lan Xichen’s side.
“Madam Yu was here,” Wei Wuxian confirms Jiang Cheng’s fears and he closes his eyes.
“What did she say?” Jiang Cheng asks and transfers the phone to his other ear, so Lan Xichen can listen as well.
Wei Wuxian knows that Jiang Cheng keeps nothing from Lan Xichen, not anymore, and he also knows that they are on a date right now.
“I think she just stopped by to remind me that I am the disgrace of the family,” Wei Wuxian starts, but Jiang Cheng knows that that isn’t all, because otherwise Wei Wuxian wouldn’t have called and instead waited until Jiang Cheng comes home.
“You’re not,” Jiang Cheng says, almost on reflex, and Wei Wuxian lets out a humorless laugh.
“Yeah, doesn’t matter,” he mumbles. “She saw the picture,” he then says, and Jiang Cheng immediately knows which picture.
He just recently put it up, of him and Lan Xichen on their date to the amusement park, and of course his mother would immediately see it.
“Fuck,” Jiang Cheng mutters and Lan Xichen squeezes him.
He knows which picture, because he was the one who chose it.
“She’s furious that you weren’t the one to tell her and you and Lan Xichen are ordered to come to dinner tonight. I’m really sorry,” Wei Wuxian says again, as if it was his fault that Jiang Cheng’s mother completely steamrolled him.
“Ordered,” Lan Xichen repeats, and Jiang Cheng grimaces at him.
“I’m really sorry, Xichen-ge, but there was nothing I could do,” Wei Wuxian says and Lan Xichen carefully plucks the phone out of Jiang Cheng’s hand.
“It’s not your fault,” Lan Xichen says, but his eyes are on Jiang Cheng. “I had to meet the family at some point.”
“You met the important part,” Jiang Cheng immediately says, because Lan Xichen has met Jiang Yanli, and really, that is the only family Jiang Cheng cares about. Besides Wei Wuxian of course, but Lan Xichen knew him already.
“You met my uncle,” Lan Xichen reminds him, and Jiang Cheng flushes with just the memory.
He will never understand how Lan Qiren can actually hold him in high regards and that he’s proud of Lan Xichen for having ‘such an amazing boyfriend’. It almost felt like an out of body experience to Jiang Cheng.
“Your uncle was easy,” Jiang Cheng grumbles and takes his phone back from Lan Xichen. “Do you want me to come home?” he asks Wei Wuxian, because he knows he is still shaken and Lan Wangji is out of town at the moment.
There’s a very long silence on the other end, one that tells Jiang Cheng that the answer is yes, but then Wei Wuxian says “No”.
“Bullshit,” Jiang Cheng snaps and sends an apologetic look at Lan Xichen, who is already reaching for his porte-monnaie.
“I’ll be home in twenty,” Jiang Cheng informs him.
“You don’t have to cut your date with Xichen-ge short,” Wei Wuxian whines, but it’s half heartedly at best and Jiang Cheng isn’t even listening to him anymore.
“You better be on the couch when I get home,” Jiang Cheng says, as Lan Xichen hands him his coat.
“You’re so mean to me,” Wei Wuxian complains, but Jiang Cheng knows that he has won. “I love you,” Wei Wuxian tacks on, voice quiet and Jiang Cheng smiles slightly.
“I love you, too. Now let me go, so Xichen can drive me home.”
“Fine,” Wei Wuxian sighs and then hangs up without another word.
“I’m really sorry about this. About all of this,” Jiang Cheng says to Lan Xichen, who lifts his arm, to invite Jiang Cheng into a hug.
Jiang Cheng steps into his space without hesitation.
“You don’t have to be sorry. Family first.”
“Not the one you’re meeting tonight,” Jiang Cheng grumbles and then buries his face in Lan Xichen’s sweater.
“Please don’t think less of me after tonight,” he mutters, and he squeezes his eyes shut when Lan Xichen presses a kiss to the top of his head.
“I could never, my heart,” Lan Xichen says confidently.
Jiang Cheng doubts that; he knows his mother alone is very hard to take, but when his father is there as well, it’s likely to be an absolute shit show. And Jiang Cheng fears that it will be too much for Lan Xichen; that he will hear things about Jiang Cheng he can’ stomach, which will only end in him leaving.
Jiang Cheng isn’t sure if he could still take that.
“You don’t have to ask for hugs, or when you want to hold my hand. Or when you want to kiss me. You can just do those things,” Jiang Cheng says apropos of nothing, because he wants Lan Xichen to take the physical contact he wants as well, at least for today.
Jiang Cheng is not sure there will be much more after this.
“Okay,” Lan Xichen agrees and immediately tilts Jiang Cheng’s head up to press a kiss to his lips. “But only as long as you are really comfortable with that.”
“I am,” Jiang Cheng agrees and presses up to get another kiss.
They get lost in that for a few moments, before the thought of Wei Wuxian alone on their couch gets too much for Jiang Cheng and he drags Lan Xichen away.
~*~*~
Jing Cheng really wishes that Lan Xichen would be less perfect, because then he could have had the afternoon to convince himself that maybe this dinner will work out.
But instead Lan Xichen stayed the whole afternoon with Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian—unobtrusively in the back, occupying himself in Jiang Cheng’s room while he and Wei Wuxian were watching a movie, cuddling on the couch—and never complained even once.
It makes Jiang Cheng’s heart beat fast to think about how right it had felt that Lan Xichen was there with them, but he tries to push that thought away.
He’s still convinced that after this evening there won’t be many more of those moments, because Lan Xichen will realize what a grave mistake he made in dating Jiang Cheng and he will leave him.
Not in a mean way—Jiang Cheng doubts Lan Xichen can even be mean—but it will hurt nonetheless.
“You’re thinking again, and this time it’s bad thoughts,” Lan Xichen accuses him and Jiang Cheng sends him a small smile.
Lan Xichen is right, but he’s not going to admit to that. Instead, Jiang Cheng keeps his eyes trained on him, tries to savour the fact that for now he’s allowed to look. And when he remembers that he’s also allowed to touch, he reaches out to take Lan Xichen’s hand in his.
“I’m driving, my heart,” Lan Xichen gently reminds him but Jiang Cheng pouts at him.
“You don’t need your hand right now. I’ll give it back if you need to shift.”
“You better,” Lan Xichen replies, not turning his eyes away from the road and Jiang Cheng wonders if he imagines what dinner will be like.
Jiang Cheng knows from experience that no amount of imagination could prepare him for what is about to happen.
They spend the rest of the drive in silence and they arrive at Jiang Cheng’s parent’s house sooner than he would have liked, if he’s being honest.
He wouldn’t have minded driving with Lan Xichen for eternity.
“I am really sorry for what is about to happen,” Jiang Cheng says, just as he’s about to take his hand back, but Lan Xichen presses a kiss to the back of it before he allows Jiang Cheng to have it back.
“It can’t be that bad, and besides. It’s not your fault, no matter what happens. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Jiang Cheng says, voice already choked up, because he knows that won’t be true for much longer.
His mother especially has a way to hit where it hurts, and she knows all of Jiang Cheng’s soft spots. And she has never been afraid of using them.
Lan Xichen sends him an encouraging smile and then they are already ringing at the door. Jiang Cheng might have lost some time to his panic, because next thing he knows they are already sitting at the table; his parents, Lan Xichen and Jiang Cheng himself.
Jiang Cheng knows what will happen before Jiang Fengmian even opens his mouth.
“Did you not bring Wei Wuxian?” he asks and Jiang Cheng attempts a smile for him.
“He was busy, this evening,” he says, and tries very hard not to think about the still shaken form he left bundled up in a blanket on the couch.
“What could he possibly have to do,” Madam Yu scoffs and Jiang Cheng closes his eyes, because he hoped to get at least past the first course before his parents started with this.
He tries to tune them out as best as he can; he knows his input is neither required nor wished for and so he listlessly moves the food around on his plate.
Sometime around the five minute marks of his parents fighting about Wei Wuxian Lan Xichen moves his hand to Jiang Cheng’s thigh to lightly squeeze it and while Jiang Cheng knows it’s only meant to show his support, the shame burns hot in his gut.
He hates that Lan Xichen has to see how worthless Jiang Cheng is in his parent’s eyes.
The longer the fight takes, the more tense Lan Xichen gets and Jiang Cheng has to swallow hard to keep his composure.
He wonders what Lan Xichen must think of him, now that he sees that Wei Wuxian is so much more important to either of his parents, be it in a good or bad way.
“Mom, dad,” Jiang Cheng finally tries when it all becomes too much for him. “Please,” he reminds them with a look at Lan Xichen, and he realizes his mistake just a second too late.
He hates that particular glint in his mother’s eyes.
“So, Lan Xichen,” she starts, her voice suddenly saccharine sweet as if she hadn’t viciously ripped into her husband just a minute ago. “Tell me, what do you want with Jiang Cheng?”
“I—love him,” Lan Xichen hesitantly says, clearly taken aback by the wording of that question and it almost sounds more like a question than anything else.
Madam Yu’s eyes go hard at that, and Jiang Cheng can only duck his head, before she starts in on him.
Maybe she shouldn’t have reminded her that Lan Xichen is there. It would have been better, probably, because next thing he knows she’s listing all of his inadequacies. Every last single one of Jiang Cheng’s faults are being flung around, dragged into the open and his mother remembers some things even Jiang Cheng already forgot.
It was probably time she reminds him of those again, Jiang Cheng bitterly thinks.
Once his mother is done, once she said almost exactly what Jiang Cheng has said to Wei Wuxian all those months ago, she expectantly looks at Lan Xichen, as if she expects him to get up and walk away.
Jiang Cheng is honestly more surprised when it doesn’t immediately happen.
“How dare you,” Lan Xichen hisses and Jiang Cheng closes his eyes. “How dare you speak about your son like this? At least now I understand why he has all these insecurities that keep him from accepting happiness,” Lan Xichen says, and he sounds angry.
Jiang Cheng has never seen him angry before; even when he’s mad he keeps a tight smile on his lips and tries to solve it diplomatically, but right now Lan Xichen seems furious.
“Happiness,” Madam Yu scoffs. “He can be happy if he gets a good match at all. Content is what he should aim for, and he probably has to settle for less.”
“He will not have to settle for less,” Lan Xichen seethes. “I will make sure that he is as happy as he can be, and I will not allow you to further undermine his happiness.”
“Oh, right,” Madam Yu says. “And how are you going to make him happy? You’re just using him for his connections, better admit to that now, so we can all settle on an agreement.”
“I am here because I love him, and I will do anything to make him happy.”
“As if,” Madam Yu mutters and eyes Jiang Cheng as if she wants to figure out how he—the worthless, never good enough, too angry son—managed to snatch someone like Lan Xichen.
Jiang Cheng would like to know that as well.
“I would marry him tomorrow if it would make him happy,” Lan Xichen presses out and Jiang Cheng stands up so abruptly that his chair topples over.
“Don’t,” he says to Lan Xichen, avoiding his eyes, because he knows they are already brimming with tears, and then he simply leaves.
He can’t believe Lan Xichen would lie like that, can’t believe Lan Xichen would lie like that to Madam Yu, who is worse than a shark that smelled blood when it comes to lies.
She would have called Lan Xichen on his bluff in just a second, and Jiang Cheng is absolutely not ready to hear Lan Xichen explain that yes, it all was just one big lie.
Fuck, Jiang Cheng can’t believe Lan Xichen would say that, that he would lower himself so far after everything he heard about Jiang Cheng this evening.
Really, he should have realized halfway through dinner that Jiang Cheng is definitely the wrong person for him.
For anyone, really.
Jiang Cheng flees the house, doesn’t even stop to check if Lan Xichen is coming after him or not, and he also doesn’t waste a moment to figure out how he will get home.
He’ll walk, if he has to, or call Wei Wuxian. He’s probably sitting next to his phone anyway.
Jiang Cheng realizes his mistake when he steps out into the pouring rain, but by then he’s already soaked, so it doesn’t matter anyway.
He keeps on walking.
Jiang Cheng is glad for the rain, because at least that way he can pretend that he’s not crying as he wonders if Lan Xichen will bother to break up with him personally, if he told his parents to convey the message or if he’ll just vanish from Jiang Cheng’s life.
This has always been what Jiang Cheng was most afraid of, and he should have known better than to try for some form of happiness with Lan Xichen. It never works out for Jiang Cheng after all.
Jiang Cheng isn’t very far from the house, when suddenly an umbrella is being held over him.
“What are you doing?” Lan Xichen softly asks and tugs on Jiang Cheng’s arm to stop him and the tears immediately flow faster.
“Why would you say something like that?” Jiang Cheng chokes out and Lan Xichen’s face goes soft.
“Because it’s the truth.”
“Don’t say that,” Jiang Cheng whispers and he fists his hands in Lan Xichen’s jacket. “Don’t say that,” he repeats again, stronger this time. “You deserve so much better!”
“I don’t care if I deserve better or not,” Lan Xichen says, and covers Jiang Cheng’s hands with his. “I only want you. You and no one else. It has to be you,” he says and then he leans down to kiss the tears right from Jiang Cheng’s face.
Jiang Cheng closes his eyes and he’s so, so scared that he is ruining Lan Xichen’s life by allowing this to continue but he can’t help himself.
He got a taste of it, and now he’s insatiable.
“So when you said you’d marry me—,” he starts and Lan Xichen hums softly.
“I meant it. I would if I thought it would finally put you at ease, make you believe that you are good, that I love you, and that you are good for me as well.”
“What if I never think that?” Jiang Cheng lowly asks and Lan Xichen nuzzles his cheek.
“Then I will still someday ask you to marry me. I realize that it’s too early now, don’t worry about that, but one day it won’t be. And then I will ask you.”
Jiang Cheng cups Lan Xichen’s face with his hands, and brings their foreheads together before he answers.
“What if I can’t say yes?” Jiang Cheng wants to know and Lan Xichen shrugs.
“Then we’ll stay boyfriends,” he says, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world.
“You’re insane,” Jiang Cheng accuses him, because Lan Xichen must be, if even a refused marriage proposal couldn’t chase him from Jiang Cheng’s side, but Lan Xichen only smiles.
“Okay,” he easily agrees and kisses Jiang Cheng. “And I’m also insanely in love with you. And no matter what your mother or your father have to say about you, that won’t change.”
“Not at all?” Jiang Cheng wants to know, and his voice is small, because he knows what his parents think of him is right.
“No. Because they clearly don’t know you like I do. They don’t know that you’re the most hardworking and diligent person I know. That you care more than you should and that you love so much, that you try your very best every day and that you are an amazing man. And if they don’t know that, then that’s on them. Their loss. I know who I have right here with me, and I love you so much.”
Jiang Cheng has to fight new tears at that, and he falls forward right into Lan Xichen. He wishes Lan Xichen could hug him right now, but he’s still holding the umbrella and so a one-armed hug is the best he can do.
“I love you, too,” Jiang Cheng says and he knows that he still has a long, long way to go, but if he has Lan Xichen by his side, he might even believe all of the things he just said.
One day, Jiang Cheng hopes.
And on that day, he will find his true happiness with Lan Xichen as well.