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The surf is flat and the wind is steady.
Joohyun is on a spot far enough for the water to reach. Her knees are tucked close to her chest and her toes are buried in the sand. The night is too dark, and it’s almost difficult to tell where the sea ends and the sky begins if not for the stars.
Seulgi appears with two cans of beer in her hands and sidles up to Joohyun. “Here,” she says, breathless, as she hands the can. Her cheeks are so round and so pink, but in the glow of the bonfire it’s unnoticeable. “Something light for tonight.”
“Thanks…?” Joohyun mutters, confused, the can ice-cold against her palm.
“I know you hate beer, but kiosks are closing, and it’s all they’ve got left. I didn’t want to come back with nothing for you.”
It’s almost midnight. The other beachgoers staying overnight have camped, with their tents pitched and recreational vans parked on the shore. Booze, smoke from the grill, and unrestrained laughter all coming together muffled and indistinct, like it’s all far away. They look so out of place in their prom dresses, and seemingly lost huddling around the small bonfire a surfer dude lit up for them for warmth.
Joohyun sets the unopened can aside, and with a voice too low, asks, “Are you tired?”
It took her a three-hour long drive south from the city to the beach. Seulgi’s head feels light and her bones, heavy. “Not really.”
Joohyun can hear the weariness in her voice. “Liar.”
But whether she was tired or not, it didn’t matter. Seulgi doesn’t know how to be tired, not when it comes to her. Joohyun could ask her at two in the morning to come over with some spicy rice cakes because she was hungry and craving, and somehow, one way or another, Seulgi would pull up in front of her house minutes later with those spicy rice cakes.
Seulgi cracks the tab of her can open, sips, then grins wryly. “I didn’t have much choice.”
Joohyun presses her cheeks with both hands, and sighs. “I feel terrible, really, I--”
“It’s alright,” Seulgi cuts in. They’re miles away and it’s all behind them. “Anyway, if you don’t like the beer I’ll take it back.”
The pickup truck is barely big enough for two. So when they fall asleep, their limbs are bent awkwardly on the seats. Seulgi’s arms are numb when she gets up in the morning, and sees Joohyun laugh about it in the backseat through the rear view mirror.
Not long, Joohyun’s skin begins to itch against the fabric of her dress. “I have to change into something… more comfortable.”
“There has to be a thrift shop nearby,” Seulgi yawns, peering through the windscreen. Tidal mudflats and huge rocks are flocked with seabirds. Up in the air, their wings flutter and beaks point downward, ready to swoop down on the water. She wonders where they all came from.
“I can’t believe we slept in a car,” Joohyun mumbles, still feeling the stiffness of her legs.
“Neither did I,” Seulgi agrees, stretching her arms. “Anyway, I know a cheap motel but it’s further south. I mean… only if you want to, though. Or else we could drive back home.”
“No,” Joohyun protests. “Let’s hit the road and find a place to stay for the night.”
The gas station restroom stinks, but they got to change into clothes that they bought at a local grocery. They also pumped the truck with gas and grabbed some cheap sandwiches for breakfast. When they settle down in the front seats, Joohyun asks, “Was it the ham and cheese?”
“What?” Seulgi asks, utterly confused.
“You look a bit upset,” Joohyun says. “Well, gas station food isn’t exactly that appetizing.”
Seulgi doesn’t answer and with her eyes cast down throws a rumpled paper on the other’s lap. Joohyun picks it up and unfolds it. “It’s the receipt for our breakfast that I paid. What about it?”
“There’s a phone number on the back of the receipt,” Seulgi points out, biting her lip. “In case you want to hit up a thirty-something gas station cashier, you know, run away from all of this for a while.”
Joohyun snorts. “Tempting.”
Maybe it’s all because Seulgi didn’t like how the flirting on the counter went on too long for her liking, or the fact that Joohyun isn’t a stranger to admirers, but she acts oblivious when someone comes too strong on her.
And maybe because Joohyun can certainly see through her, but pretends not to.
Almost four hours later and the roadside turns from a coast to giant red rocks and stretches of dirt. The truck has its windows rolled all the way down and the air coming through is hot and thick. Seulgi has been here in this part of the country before, when her brother went on a trip with the whole family shortly after getting his license, driving the Chevy she’s driving now.
They reach the motel in the afternoon and they check in for a bed and breakfast. They chip in for a room and share the double bed so they can pay for drinks later and still be able to go home tomorrow.
“I have to wash up,” Joohyun groans. “I feel so gross.”
All of their garments and toiletries were new because they didn’t carry anything with them but their purses. They went to a prom night not expecting to go on a road trip midway. It was spur-of-the-moment, but it felt right, driving by the coast for hours, talking about a lot of things, and listening to radio music in silence when their thoughts were adrift.
Seulgi then says, “I have to make a call.”
“To your parents, again?” Joohyun asks, towel clutched in her hand.
“No.” They already phoned their parents last night and got permission to travel. “Someone else.”
“Kibum?” He asked Seulgi out as a prom date, because he hasn’t outed himself yet and he felt more comfortable knowing she wasn’t straight either.
“I ditched him last night,” Seulgi sighs, then continues, “but it’s not him, either.”
“Oh,” Joohyun shrugs. “None of my business, I guess.”
There’s a telephone booth right outside the motel. It swelters inside with the afternoon heat, and she’s sweating profusely, thinking of the words to say as she pushes a coin into the slot and presses the number.
Three rings, then someone from the other end picks up.
“Hello?” It’s a voice she knows.
“Sooyoung,” she breathes. “It’s me.”
A pause. “Seulgi?”
“I’m sorry,” Seulgi mutters, voice a bit shaky. “I know I swore I’ll go to the after-party with you but something came up.”
Sooyoung must’ve rolled her eyes because it took a second too long before she spoke. “It’s alright. I still had fun last night. They told me you left, and at least I didn’t have to wait for you like a fool.”
Seulgi wipes a lick of sweat from her forehead. “I’m very sorry.”
“It’s just,” Sooyoung sighs, like she’s getting impatient. “This isn’t the first time you stood me up.”
“I know.” The booth feels like it’s closing in. Seulgi leans a hand against the glass wall and is trying to kick the space under the payphone. There was no way this conversation isn’t heading where she thinks it’s heading.
“I can’t… I can’t do this anymore,” Sooyoung confesses, her voice faltering. “It’s not working.”
Sooyoung has been with her for a while, but nothing serious. Seulgi couldn’t find herself getting interested beyond intimacy and they don’t ‘date’ in the sense of the word either. And she feels very, very, very terrible because Sooyoung is a great person.
“I get that.” Seulgi feels a bit dizzy, she thinks she’s going to throw up. “I’m sorry, for everything.”
And she’ll never know why, if it is out of concern or out of spite, that Sooyoung tells her this before she hangs up: “Joohyun won’t see you anything more than a pushover.”
Seulgi is so exhausted that she falls into a deep nap after that.
There’s a pub downstairs where the jukebox is playing 70s disco music, but Seulgi and Joohyun take their bottle of red wine to the shallow pool in the courtyard behind the building. The evening sky is littered with stars.
Seulgi stands on the edge and dips her toes in the water. “It’s cold.”
Joohyun puts down the bottle and pushes the younger girl into the pool. Seulgi screams. Joohyun doubles over and laughs. Seulgi swims toward the gutter and says, “Unfair.” She looks at her drenched grey shirt and denim shorts. “This is supposed to be my sleepwear.”
“Sleep naked, then,” Joohyun teases.
Seulgi scoops up water in her hands and flings it to her.
“Yah!” Joohyun yells, shielding herself with her arms. “Do you want to die?!”
Later, they’re both in the pool, stripped of their clothes. Seulgi is tipsy, and Joohyun’s cheeks are so flushed. Underwater lights refract and illuminate their glowing faces.
“I think you’re getting drunk.” Seulgi clamps her hand on the neck of the bottle, prying it away from Joohyun.
Joohyun simpers, feeling funny and weird. “Isn’t this what the whole trip is about? I want to get so wasted that I forget his stupid face and wake up without a single thought of him. Like he never existed. Poof.”
“That’s… not a bad idea.” Seulgi tilts the bottle into her mouth and gulps.
“He’s an asshole!” Joohyun has gotten even redder, and Seulgi isn’t sure if it’s because of the alcohol or the anger. “He gives me the cold shoulder after our fight. All of that, over a guy I spent a night with to do our chemistry project! Can you believe how petty was that?” Joohyun is popular, and Seulgi has been jealous of a lot of guys, but she doesn’t tell her that. “I thought he’d surprise me during prom and make it up to me but then what? He brings a date and kisses her where everyone could see! I’m so humiliated!”
Seulgi nods, and she’s not sure how to respond to that. She always knew Minho was a sort of a jerk, but Joohyun was in too deep to see.
“I feel so worthless,” Joohyun’s eyes begin to water. “I can’t believe after three years he’d just drop me like that and say nothing. He got fed up and called it quits, and I am left hanging, like I didn’t matter to him.”
Seulgi scoffs, swirling the wine inside the bottle. “He doesn’t deserve a single tear from you.”
But that’s when Joohyun is unable to hold it back anymore and breaks down. All the pent up frustration seeps out of her, and her shoulders shake violently. And for once, she shrivels like a flower that has been left to dry in the sun for days. So worn out and spread too thin.
Seulgi pulls her close and lets her cry on her shoulder.
After a steamy shower, they end up making out on the hard motel bed.
Joohyun initiates it. And as always, Seulgi follows her lead. They undress each other so clumsily, and they almost trip over to the bed.
Seulgi thinks it’s funny because if they were sober, and if they weren’t broken, none of this would have happened. Joohyun’s fingertips sear every inch of her skin, and her lips hurt to kiss, but it’s so good, so good that she hates it had to happen this way.
Joohyun sobs while she sucks the skin on the crook of her neck. Seulgi can taste the salty tears on the underside of her jaw. And she wonders if Joohyun could see through the tears, the poignant look of love in her eyes. Or maybe Joohyun is thinking about someone else when she moans while her head is between her legs. She’ll never know, and she doesn’t ever want to know.
Something is hot and tight in her chest, and she wants to cry, too, but she doesn’t.
Joohyun is fast asleep, but Seulgi stays awake for another hour, waist-deep in thought.
There was not a time she can’t remember where they didn’t belong to each other. Joohyun has always been around since she learned how to walk. Their parents are in a tightly-knit social circle, having to live in a neighborhood where they are a minority.
They’ve run around playgrounds and bruised their knees and elbows together. They’ve fought when they got heated in games. They’ve shared a bed when they were younger, when Joohyun’s parents were away for a weekend and it stormed that night. They share a bed now, when they’re older and so lonely and so lost, trying to find themselves in each other’s warmth.
Seulgi has only ever known being in love with her. Yet Joohyun regards that love like how she likes a can of beer. And unlike a can of beer, love isn’t something she can just take back.
“Tell me to stop,” Seulgi whispers to the ceiling that night. “Just tell me to stop.”
The drive home is more solemn and quieter. It’s a seven-hour trip back home, so they rest every now and then, but mostly when they have reached the scenic coastal highway and have gone past the desert road.
In one of their stops, which is a beach close to home, they walk along the shoreline. Their footprints on the sand disappear with the waves.
And when they sit on the sand, waiting for the sun to set, Joohyun says, “I’m moving to New York for college. I feel like I could grow a bit more there. I could meet other people, and live out of the comfort of my home.”
Spring is gradually tipping into summer, and in a few weeks, high school is soon going to be over.
“That’s cool,” Seulgi says, though unconvincing. “At least you’ll not bump into your ex’s ‘stupid face’ anymore.”
Joohyun is unsmiling. “I’m serious.”
“So am I,” Seulgi says, suddenly pensive. “I don’t think I’m going anywhere else, though.”
When the sun goes down, purple sky fading into black, they get up and hop back in the truck. They don’t say anything much to each other, and they don’t talk about whatever went on in the motel the other night. Seulgi turns on the radio to fill the silence between them.
But Joohyun lowers the volume down before her stop, then asks, “Aren’t you tired?”
And Seulgi knows she isn’t asking about the grueling hours of driving anymore, but her answer stays the same: “Not really.”
Soon, the wheels are going to stop turning. The world, however, will still keep on spinning.