Chapter Text
Marlene was walking around the grounds with her arms looped through Lily’s and Alice’s. The two girls were laughing at something funny that had happened in herbology that day, throwing their heads back as their giggles filled the air. Marlene stood between them, her heart racing just a little bit as she stared at two of her best friends, a secret on the tip of her tongue that she desperately wanted to say out loud.
I’m gay.
She wondered what would happen if she said it. Would they just keep laughing like nothing happened? Would they unhook their arms from hers and leave her behind? Would they accept her?
“What do you think, Marls?” Alice said, bringing her out of her reverie.
“Huh?”
“About the quidditch game coming up. You’re on the team. You think we have a shot against Slytherin?”
Alice and Lily looked at her expectantly. She swallowed, her secret being pushed to the side, and smiled.
“Definitely.”
—
There was no one else in the common room except for the Quidditch team. James was pacing in front of the fireplace, going over the game plan while Marlene was sat on the couch between Gideon and Sirius. She looked around at her teammates—Frank was giving all of his attention to James, Gideon and Fabian were sharing mischievous looks as if they knew something the others didn’t, Emmeline was attempting to take notes, and Sirius had his eyes closed, probably having already heard the game plan James had made a million times before. Marlene sat stiffly, those words echoing in her mind once more.
I’m gay.
She wondered how her friends would respond. Would James kick her off the team? Would Emmeline become uncomfortable around her? Would they make jokes about her?
“Marlene, are you listening?” James’ voice brought her back to reality. His eyebrows were raised and his eyes filled with an intensity only quidditch could enact.
“Uh, yeah. Yes. Stay on the outskirts of the field and keep my eye out for the snitch.”
James nodded his approval and continued on. Marlene let out a sigh and forced herself to pay attention for the rest of her captain’s speech.
—
The library was nearly empty and so quiet. The soft sound of quills scratching on parchment was the only thing breaking up the silence. Marlene was sat across from Remus, one leg tucked under the other as she stared down at the blank page in front of her. She was supposed to be doing runes homework but she found her focus lost once again. There was no one else around. No one there to eavesdrop on any conversation. She glanced up to watch Remus as he wrote fervently and felt those words crawling up her throat again.
I’m gay.
She wanted to scream it at this point. It had been eating her up for so long and she just needed to say it out loud. But what would Remus do? Would he offer her a kind smile paired with a slab of chocolate? Would he pack up his things and leave?
“Remus?” She said suddenly, surprising herself. Remus glanced up, eyebrows slightly raised and an open expression on his face.
“Yeah, Marls?”
“Um…” She looked down at her parchment. “Do you know anything about ancient runes?”
Remus eyed her for a moment before nodding. “Yeah. Here, let me see the assignment.”
She passed over her book silently and listened as he explained the theory, nodding along even as her brain screamed at her.
—
Sirius was acting quieter than usual, Marlene thought. Though, so was she. Usually when they ran laps around the Black Lake they would chat a bit or try to race or something. But today they had both ran in silence, their breath coming out in small puffs. Now, as they sat at the edge of the lake, cooling down from their run, Marlene took in the quiet between them. Sirius seemed to have something on his mind. He kept opening his mouth to say something, but then would shut it and go back to picking at the grass near his feet.
Marlene felt her own mouth opening to speak, her body telling her to seize the opportunity.
I’m gay.
“I’m—” She paused.
Sirius looked up. “What was that Marls?”
“Oh, uh. I was just going to say that I’m…” say it, just say it! “tired. I’m tired.”
Sirius contemplated this a moment, and then nodded. Marlene went to get up and Sirius grabbed her wrist.
“I’m—” He paused for a moment. “I’m tired, too. Let’s walk back together.”
They walked back in silence, the loudness of their thoughts stifling any conversation they may have engaged in.
—
She was sitting alone in the astronomy tower, staring up at the dark sky. It was a bit cold, but she didn’t mind. It was refreshing almost, like a shock to her system. It helped her feel less numb. As Marlene stared at the sky, she felt those words creeping around her head again.
I’m gay.
She closed her eyes. Why couldn’t she say it? Why couldn’t she let herself be free? She knew it would help, knew that it would relieve whatever pressure had started to build on her shoulders, but something stopped her every time.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize anyone was up here.” A voice said. Marlene turned to see a girl with dark, curly hair standing at the edge of the doorway, a stunning but awkward smile appearing on her face. Marlene’s breath caught in her throat.
“It’s okay. I don’t mind the company.”
The girl beamed once more and took a seat next to Marlene.
“You’re Marlene, right? The Gryffindor seeker?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m Dorcas. I’m one of the Ravenclaw prefects.”
“So, you know Lily and Remus then?”
“Yeah. They’re nice.”
The two of them fell into silence and Marlene looked at her feet.
“What brings you up here so late?” Marlene asked after a moment.
Dorcas shrugged. “I sometimes can’t sleep. Bit of an insomniac and my dorm mates don’t like when I pace around the room, so I come up here occasionally. What about you?”
“My mind won’t shut up.”
“Oh yeah?” Dorcas raised an eyebrow. “What won’t it shut up about?”
Marlene stared at the girl sitting next to her, the soft smile on her face, the almost innocent wonder in her eyes, and she felt compelled to tell her. Maybe this was the opportunity she had been waiting for, a kind stranger to indulge her secret to. Someone to listen.
“I’m gay.”
For a moment, Marlene regretted it. She wanted to run and hide and hope that Dorcas forgets about the interaction altogether, but then…a sense of relief washed over her. She had said it. She had said it out loud, and no matter what reaction Dorcas gave her, Marlene finally said it.
“Thank you for telling me, Marlene.” Dorcas said and Marlene looked up at her. She was smiling, genuinely and Marlene felt her heart flutter.
“I haven’t told anyone before. It was a secret.”
“I’m honored that you shared it with me.” Dorcas looked thoughtful for a moment, and then slid closer to her. “’Can I share a secret, too?”
Marlene nodded.
“I’m also gay. Well, half I guess. Bisexual. I like boys but I also like girls.”
Marlene grinned. “Thank you for telling me, Dorcas.”
The two girls smiled at one another, and Marlene suddenly felt like she wasn’t so alone. And maybe, just maybe, there were other kids, just like her and Dorcas, who were waiting for the opportunity to be open and honest. Marlene looked up at the sky just as a shooting star went by, and she wished so hard for those kids to get that opportunity soon, so they could finally feel as she did in that moment; whole.