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Dean woke up tangled in blankets, Cas’ name dying on his lips. It was dark in the bunker, and quiet too. Sam and Jack were probably still asleep.
He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. It’d been three days. Only three days. So of course it wasn’t better. Of course he didn’t wake up without his first thought being Cas’ tear-streaked face, without his entire body shaking, without his hand immediately flying to the fresh handprint burn on his shoulder.
He left his room and wandered into the library. He barely got there before he collapsed to the ground, leaning against the bookshelf for support, cradling his head in his hands.
Visions filled his mind. Of Cas in the Empty, all alone, just laying in the dark without his family. He tried to push them back. But he couldn’t. His mind was just, Cas, Cas, Cas. His hands tightened on the sides of his head and he covered his ears as if he could block out his thoughts that way.
After a minute, his mind started to rewind. Slowly at first, taking him back to a few days ago. But before he could dive into that memory his memories flipped all the way back to eleven years ago. It was like he didn’t have control over his mind. Like some cosmic entity was manipulating his thoughts, making him relive it all.
He saw himself in the barn. Saw Cas enter. He looked so different then. He was a warrior of Heaven, an obedient servant of God, the one who had gripped Dean tight and pulled him from perdition.
Then he sees the beautiful room, ornate gold plating catching the light. He sees Cas pushing him against the wall, remembers the mess of emotions that had jolted through him, watches Cas rebel against an archangel, all for him.
He sees himself teaming up with Castiel, teaching him to be more human. Sees Cas risking everything, choosing them again and again. Sees Cas break Naomi’s hold over him, sees him tell them he loves them on his deathbed, sees it all.
Then his mind rewinds again, and he realizes this is definitely not in his control. He starts to see things he never knew happened. Things Cas had never even told him about.
He sees himself, raking leaves outside of Ben and Lisa’s house. He watches Cas stand there, for almost an hour, conflict in his eyes. Then he watches as Crowley appears, and Cas reluctantly turns from Dean. Dean feels a lump in his throat. Cas could have gone to him. He could have helped him. They could have avoided the whole leviathan mess.
Then his mind fast forwards, and he sees a garage with a car covered in a sheet. He watches himself proclaim, “I’d rather have you, cursed or not,” and smiles at the memory before a sharp pain hits him. He’d never get Cas back now, so he wouldn’t have him. Not ever. Then he watches as he goes to the car, uncovering it while Cas stands there in his white hospital clothes. He watches as Cas mouths “I love you, Dean,” before his face grows sad. When the Dean in the memory looks up, Cas is just watching him curiously. Why hadn’t he said it out loud? Why couldn’t he have saved them both the heartache? He knew the answer though. He wasn’t an easy person to love. Confessing would have been terrifying to Cas.
He’s flying through time again before he can do anything. He immediately recognizes Purgatory. Sees the swirling portal that leads back to Earth. Watches as Dean makes it through the portal and Cas stays behind. He watches Cas collapse, not even turning to face the Leviathan tracking them. He hears the angel mutter, “I’m sorry, Dean,” before the memory dissolves before his eyes.
He finds himself in a large warehouse, yellow poles as supports and bright fluorescent lights overhead. When he looks down, his eyes widen in shock. As far as he can see, dead bodies cover the floor. Well, copies of one dead body. His dead body.
A noise draws his attention and he looks up to see Cas standing over a copy of him, his angel blade in his hand.
“Don’t make me do this,” he says. But there’s no fight behind it. It’s totally empty, the words of a man who has no hope left, who’s will has been stripped from him.
He looks to his right and sees Naomi emerge with a cold smile on her face. “Kill him, Castiel.”
“I can’t. Dean doesn’t deserve to die.”
“Love is a human emotion, a human weakness. You’ve fallen too far. This is how we are going to fix you. Can’t you see? You’re being made whole again. You’re being brought back to God.”
Cas looked up at her, his eyes wide, then back down at the fake Dean. The muscles in his jaw tightened and he drove the blade through Dean’s heart.
Dean fought to get out of his own head. He couldn’t keep seeing these memories. They weren’t his. Cas had never told him any of this… why hadn’t he told him any of this? Why hadn’t he told him that he’d killed Dean thousands of times? How had he even resisted when it came to the real Dean?
He was sucked back into his own mind. He fought it this time, tried to ground himself in the library. But he couldn’t. Some outside force was dragging him inside, forcing him to watch these memories. So he did.
He sees Cas bloodied on the floor, an angel blade sticking out of the book next to him. He hears the door to the bunker shut as Dean leaves. He watches as Cas lays there, he isn’t sure for how long. Then he mutters, “I still love you, Dean Winchester. And I’m going to save you.” Dean has to run, he can’t watch this, watch what he’s done. And this time, it works. His mind moves on.
The barn, the house, the blood everywhere, he recognizes it almost immediately. It’s where Cas almost died. Where that prince of Hell had almost slaughtered him. Where Cas had told him that he loved him.
This is after that, though. He watches as Mary and him climb into the Impala and Sam says he’ll drive home with Cas in the truck. Then he finds themself in the truck with them. It’s silent for a while, then Sam clears his throat.
“Look, man, you have to know… Dean, Mom, me--we all love you too.” Dean smiles softly at that. At least someone had told Cas, even if he’d been too much of a coward to say anything, to process what was even happening.
“Thank you,” Cas said, his eyes fixed on the road.
“And Dean,” Sam took a deep breath. “He’ll come around. Someday.” Dean shook his head. How long had Sam known?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cas said. But Dean could hear it in his voice. The bitterness, the embarrassment, the hopelessness. And he hated himself. Because Cas had looked right at him. Right at him and said that he loved him. And still he did nothing.
“He just needs time,” Sam continued.
“Sam. Dean heard me. He heard me and he did nothing,” Cas said, dropping his act.
“I know, man. I know. Look, I’m here for you… if you ever want to talk, or anything.” Dean’s heart dropped again. Sam had been there for Cas, even when it should have been him, it could have been him.
“I appreciate it, Sam,” Cas said as the memory began to fade.
Then everything was black. Dark, empty. And in the middle of it all there were two of Cas. No… one of them, that look of hate on his face, that couldn’t be Cas. The cheap imitation of Cas was bent over the real Cas, disgust on his face. With a shock, Dean realized that it was the Shadow, he was in the Empty. He watched as the Shadow sneered, “I know who you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” He saw Cas’ eye widened, his pain, his longing all clear on his face. Dean wanted to reach out. To scream that he loved him too. That he wouldn’t let him get taken. But it was too late, it was all too late.
He was back in the library then, back cramping from being in this position so long. He slowly peeled his hands from his ears and looked around, fighting back tears. He was back. And Cas was still gone. Cas, who had loved him from the beginning. Had loved him despite everything. Cas, who had finally told him just three days ago, expecting to get nothing back. Cas, who he’d kissed without a second thought, because those words had been too much, had been everything he’d wanted to hear. Cas, who had disappeared in front of him, wrapped in dark shadows.
“Why are you showing me this?” he shouted to the empty library, wincing as the sound echoed slightly around the empty halls of the bunker.
For a minute, everything was quiet. Then he heard a voice in his head, a voice that sent shivers down his spine, a voice dripping with power. Chuck.
“I’m showing you, Dean, because I needed to break you.”
Then his mind was his own again and he slumped back against the shelves. He’d already been broken. He’d lost the love of his life. But this, this was worse. Cas was gone. They would never have a chance at happiness.
He stayed there on the floor until Sam found him. He didn’t answer any of his brother’s questions, just stared blankly at him. Then he stood up shakily.
“He wanted to break me, Sammy.” His brother looked at him in confusion, but he didn’t bother explaining. “He wanted to break me but I won’t let it work. We’re getting Cas back.”
“Okay, Dean,” Sam said, walking toward him. “We have to defeat Chuck for Cas. Maybe then the Empty will-”
“No,” Dean said firmly.
Sam raised an eyebrow and folded his arms, waiting for Dean to go on.
“We’re getting him back.”