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“I don’t think you ever talked about what brought you here.” Gueira mentions offhandedly. His head is in Meis’ lap, the latter’s fingers gently carding through his hair. They’re situated somewhat awkwardly in the back of the car, but it’s cheaper and easier than finding a place to stay for the night. Well, relatively easier.
Meis doesn’t respond for a second, but Gueira has no doubt that he heard him. The look on his face says he’s thinking. Probably.
“Brought me where, exactly?”
“On the road.”
“Well the obvious answer is the car.”
“I am going to bite you.” Gueira threatens playfully. “You know that’s not what I meant, I mean like. Why’d you run away in the first place?”
Ah, so it is this question. Meis was sure this question was going to come up sooner or later.
And still he stalls answering.
Gueira, despite his rash nature, doesn’t press. Meis can’t tell if the silence makes it worse.
“Ran away from home is the simplest answer.”
“Yeah I get that, so did I,” Gueira laughs, but it’s half-hearted. “I mean like. What was your awakening like that you had to leave?”
“Don’t you think that’s a personal question?”
“We’ve known each other for like…” Gueira trails off with the effort of mental math, “six weeks or something. I already poured my heart out to you, man.”
Meis considers this. He’s still running his fingers through his partner’s hair.
“Well, for starters, it wasn’t my awakening.”
The response catches Gueira off guard somehow. “What?”
“Why I left. It wasn’t my awakening. That happened later.”
“Oh.” Is all Gueira manages to say. The crickets seem louder than they were before. Maybe they’re closer? Compared to the silence inside the car, it’s almost deafening.
Meis finally stops preening Gueira’s hair, gazing out the window as though he’s lost in thought. Actually, he’s definitely lost in thought. Gueira’s not so sure that’s a good thing. Each passing second feels more and more like the air is stagnant and uncomfortable. The gentle moonlight streaming in offers no recourse as the darkness suffocates them in silence.
“Hey, look. I’m sorry for prying.” He manages to sit up again in the tight space. The uncovered half of Meis’ face is now out of his view completely. “You don’t have to tell me if it’s super personal or whatever.”
“It was because I was gay.” Meis speaks as though he didn’t hear Gueira, and instead only spoke to get the words into the open.
“Huh?” The sound leaves Gueira’s mouth before he registers it.
“I left because I was gay. Couldn’t take feeling like a failure and unwelcome in my own house any longer.”
“Oh. Oh man, I’m sorry.”
Meis lets out the smallest chuckle. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”
Gueira scooches closer to Meis, the trash on the car floor protesting slightly at the moment. He rests his head against the other man’s shoulder. Meis brings his arm up to pull Gueira in closer, holding the two of them together in silence once more. They were having a lot of quiet time tonight it seemed. The uncomfortable air had settled down again, but didn’t let up completely.
“What about your awakening then?”
“Not very exciting. A run-of-the-mill fight by any standards that just got a little… heated.” He realizes the potential pun the moment before he says it and simply resigns to his fate. Gueira laughs, and it’s music to his ears.
“Figures for someone so calm and collected you wouldn’t have a big showy awakening.”
“I guess.”
The two sit in the serenity of the backseat of Meis’ worn down car, the tension finally lifted. For as terrible of a hand they’ve been dealt, it can’t help but feel like home.
“You know… sometimes I wish I would have had the issues with being gay growing up.”
Meis takes a moment to process while Gueira quickly realizes what he said. So much for ridding themselves of tension.
“I– I mean, wait– that’s probably really rude I didn’t mean to trivialize anything you went through I just…” Gueira pulls away a little bit as he sighs, “I just wish that being trans didn’t take that experience from me. Even if it would have been a bad one.”
“I… don’t know what you mean.” Meis answers honestly. He can’t tell whether or not he was supposed to be offended by that. He can’t help but feel somewhat hurt, at least. The conversation was already like twisting a knife in an old wound.
“Like at least you got to grow up as a boy liking boys, you know? It’s a stupid thing to be jealous over oh my god I am just digging myself into a deeper hole.” Gueira pulls away completely to bury his face in his hands. Meis lets him. Both their hearts were proudly emblazoned on their sleeves tonight, whether either one wanted it there or not.
“I don’t think it’s stupid. But believe me you don’t want that. I got it easy and I still had to leave everything behind.”
“That’s ‘easy’?”
“Well. Easy for a bad route.”
Gueira makes a click with his tongue as he slumps back into the seat. He chooses to not say anything. It’s probably for the best. Meis checks the time on his phone. It’s getting late, and he mentions as much.
“Long day of travel tomorrow.” Gueira sighs.
“Yeah.”
They don’t speak again as they settle to sleep, rearranging themselves under the singular blanket. The nighttime air that permeates the space speaks for them, quiet and still. It’s not malicious, it’s not ill-intentioned. It’s just… chilly. Uncomfortable, but not painful. Fragile, but not unforgiving.
In the stillness that surrounds them, their problems seem insignificant. The warmth between them starves off any of the cold nighttime air as well as the negative feelings that pool from the subject matter. The journey here wasn’t easy for either of them. Learning to navigate the space around people– around someone they could trust– was new territory. But bit by bit they were getting somewhere. Even if they didn’t figure it out tonight, all they needed was time.
Meis grabs Gueira’s hand softly, threading their fingers together. They had time.