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When Kunikida sees Chuuya using his ability for the first time since leaving the Port Mafia it was when he walked into the modeling Agency and several papers, folders, needles and threads floating around the air around him as he spoke to different models, makeup artists and tailors. He looked stressed, troubled even, he supposed it came with running a fashion company, especially one like his own that had grown as popular as it had. But that wasn't and couldn't be the only reason why, Kunikida knew this very well. He had come here after Dazai had returned from doing god only knows what earlier in the day. He returned sporting a growing bruise on his face and had refused to say who had given it to him. At first the blonde assumed it was from a poor woman he had asked if she wanted to do s double suicide with him. But that thought was quickly thrown out the window when he had attempted to ask Chuuya out for their usual lunch. He hadn't received answer, which wouldn't have been weird if Nicki hadn't messaged him exactly eight minutes later stating he come fetch the ginger.
It was no secret at this point the former partnership Chuuya and Dazai had while in the port Mafia. However what wasn't widely known was the deeper connection the two shared at the time, or at least the deeper feelings Chuuya had for the suicidal idiot. While Kunikida knew and understood why Dazai would leave the Mafia after what happened, he couldn't help but wonder if there really wasnt any other way for him to simply just...let his former partner know what he was doing. The blonde always doubted that the smaller man would have tried to stop him. But it was a topic he nor Chuuya iften talked about or brought up, after all it was upsetting for him and for Dazai as well. Even when the Agency had caught wind of Chuuya's disappearance, Dazai seemed shocked. He had spent a long time trying to find him, hell, for all they knew maybe Dazai hsd known where he had gone and where he had stayed for those two years. But he never said anything about it, why would he? It wasn't like Chuuya had a connection with anyone within the ADA. Until now anyway.
Kunikida wasnt sure with who he was talking to, nor did he know what the topic was, but clearly it left the man irritated if the way he flung the phone across the room and the items that had been floating clattered to the ground. For a moment, everyone in the room stared at him, clearly startled and worried about the sudden outburst. The Detective was sure that Chuuya hadnt even noticed he was here if him turning on his heel and storming off to his office was anythingto go by. It was only when the sound of the door slamming shut did everyone finally relax and hushed whispers began. Some asking what happened, if their boss was okay and if who should go check on him. They all seemed genuinely worried for the Ginger, after all Chuuya treated them all like friends. The blonde sighed heavily as he carefully along with a few others set to work on picking up the dropped items, eventually with the papers, pens, phone and other items gathered they were then given to Kunikida before he made his way to the Ginger's office.
He heard a faint curse before the door was yanked open, the smaller man looked ready to snap at whoever he thought had knocked. Kunikida watched the anger in his eyes and expression fade to one of shock then guilt as he wordlessly stepped aside, a silent okay for him to walk in. "Nicki asked me to come check on you. Is everything alright? Did something happen?"
"Nothing worth mentioning honestly..." he mumbled as he sat at his desk, practically slumping back in his chair as his put his hand over his eyes. Kunikida could tell that whatever the older man was thinking and feeling, it was something serious. "I....I ran into Dazai today," ah, so it was Chuuya who punched him. "We argued as always. But he was right about one thing, I really am a hypocrite you know? In all talk about how I hate betrayal, but I left the Port Mafia just like he did." He had left behind the subordinates that trusted him so much, that he saw as his friends. Ones whose families he had meet and kids he's played with. "You know what the worst part of it is? I cant go back even if I wanted to, Dazai knows this. I think some part of him always knew I would end up leaving." A bitter scoff escaped him, he had yet to turn and face the other man in the room. "I loved him, you know. At one point. Some stupid part of me believed that he loved me to, we had a weird relationship going on back then. But when I look back on it..." he trailed off, letting his hand fall away from his face.
Kunikida's breath hitched at the sight. He looked....haunted, hurt, betrayed. He wasnt a man to judge, he knew back then Dazai was a completely different person. These days he was still a sly bastard, but he was a good man even if he was a little odd. Those usual, blue colored eyes shined with a sadness and hurt that ran so much deeper then what the Blonde could ever imagine.
"He never smiled with me the way he smiled with Oda. Hell, no matter what I did, no matter what I tried I could never get Dazai to smile so happily so quickly and so openly like he did with him." Chuuya shook his head, his gaze now downcast. Odasaku had always been Dazai's first love, had always been maybe the only love he had ever had. Chuuya himself had been simply a warm body to keep him company. Soft words of affection from his former partner hadn't ways been true, if ever. Perhaps Dazai had never loved him, and Chuuya had lied to himself and forced himself to truly believe that he was loved in return. The ginger took a shuddering breath. "I was never enough for him. I wasnt enough to make him smile, I wasnt enough to make him trust me. Even though I trusted him with my life, literally, I...i wasnt enough for him. No matter what I did, no matter how many times I listened to him without fail. No matter how hard I tried to be there for him."
A hollow laugh escaped him along with a few tears as his hand went back to cover the top half of his face. Kunikida said nothing, did nothing, he would allow the man to say what he needed to.
"But he never trusted me. I was never enough. I wasnt and never could be Odasaku. And that's what really pisses me off, you know? That even though I know I could never be anything like him I still tried so hard to try and be him. But I can't- I couldn't-" a sharp inhale of breath had the younger man worried, he had never seen the other so visibly upset. He worried he would end up sobbing so loudly, so violently that the others in the building would hear him, but he managed to keep control over the sobs that wanted escape his small form. "I'm NOT Oda Sakunosuke. I could never be him. Why wasn't I enough for him?"
"I cant give you the answers your looking for to that. But you said so yourself, didnt you? That he was Dazai's first love, and maybe even his only one. But that is not your fault. You arent guilty for his feelings and his actions. At least not all of them." His words would have seemed cruel and harsh to anyone else, but Chuuya wasnt a man who liked things sugar coated. He wanted nothing but honesty from the people he called his friends, the people he saw as family. "You weren't enough for Dazai. You weren't what or who HE needed. That doesnt mean you arent enough for someone else. That doesnt mean you aren't the person someone else needs. You shouldn't have had to try and be someone else that you arent. You saw it got you nowhere. So what if you left the Port Mafia? That's not being a hypocrite, that's you growing as a person and seeing that working with them- no- working for them, wasnt healthy, wasnt safe, wasnt good for you."
He took a moment to carefully set down the papers, pens and even the former Mafia Executive's phone down on the desk as he walked around it, kneeling in front of the man who currently had his head turned upward, tears streaming down his cheeks, lips trembling as he held back the sobs that wanted to leave him so badly.
"Why does it still hurt so much after so long? Je ne comprends pas-"
The detective made no comment on the french words thet escaped him, he didnt understand what they meant anyway. But he did reach up, his left hand going to lace his and Chuuya's fingers together and his right hand gently gripping the ginger's wrist, pulling his hand away from his face. He pulled the hand away and pressed it to Chuuya's knee, a silent command for him to leave it there before moving his hand back up to gently clean away the tears on his face. "Because he was your first love. A love that no matter what you try to do, job matter what you say, will never go away. He will always be someone special to you, he will always be someone you will love. That's why it hurts. And it's not a weaknesse, it's not bad. It just means you loved him. And that is alright." He paused for a moment, allowing his words to be processed by the older man who sniffled in his seat. "Though if I had to be honest, you could have done so much better-"
Kunikida felt a wave of triumph wash over him, his unexpected words caused the other to laugh ever so slightly. While the tears kept coming, at least there was a greatful smile on his face now, while there was still hurt in his eyes, he could see how greatful Chuuya was. The smaller man met none of his ideals, not a single one, he wasnt the woman he had planned to meet and then marry. And yet, Kunikida found himself drawn in by this man, almost like his ability had been active. But it wasn't, it was simply the man's personality, the way he carried himself, the way he spoke, the way he looked out for his friends that drew Kunikida in.
"Do you think I'll ever be enough for anyone?" It was a soft asked question, a genuine one filled with fear and doubt.
"You will. Maybe you already are and dont even see it yet." Maybe he was enough for him, maybe he wasn't, Kunikida honestly wasnt even sure himself. They were close, but he wouldn't say they were in love. But for now, the blonde could give the older man the comfort he needed.