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Quiet nights are rare.
Tonight, though, is one of those nights.
All of them are exhausted, to say the least; dance practice had cut off early for once, and really he should be sleeping, but Juyeon finds he can’t. He’s not too used to having an extra hour or so of resting time in the evening, and his brain can’t really compute the fact that it’s even allowed to let him sleep, and so he doesn’t.
Instead, he lies down on his bed and pulls out his phone to watch a video or two to relax. He’d showered relatively soon after they’d gotten home, having miraculously won a game of rock-paper-scissors between himself, Changmin, Chanhee, and Kevin. They usually shower in age order just to keep things fair and respectful and all, but since there are four of them born in ‘98 things can get a little competitive, and they’ve ended up showering in pairs on several unfortunate occasions.
Changmin is doing something very similar to him, except he doesn’t have the respect to wear headphones and Juyeon can hear whatever he’s watching from the next room over. Kevin is sitting at the kitchen table, half dozing off as he absentmindedly doodles on a piece of scrap paper and talks in English with Jacob, who’s not doing much besides resting his head on his arms and watching Kevin draw. Sangyeon passed out on the couch nearly as soon as he finished washing up, and he can hear Younghoon snoring from somewhere in the dorm.
Jaehyun, Chanhee, Sunwoo, and Haknyeon are all watching a movie on Chanhee’s laptop, and Eric is still in the shower. Juyeon feels a little bad for their maknae sometimes- he’s energetic, sure, but when he crashes he crashes hard. He’s seen Eric fall asleep standing up before- hell, the kid’s fallen asleep in the shower once- and for how hard he works, Juyeon doesn’t mind having to wake him up every once in a while.
As if on cue, the boy walks into the room, yawning loudly and throwing himself down onto Juyeon’s bed. As Eric’s head lands on the pillow, Juyeon is smacked unceremoniously in the face by his damp hair, making him splutter in surprise.
“Ew,” he grumbles, too tired to raise his voice beyond a soft mumble, “get off, you’re all wet.” He pushes on the younger boy’s shoulder playfully, but snatches back his hand when Eric doesn’t resist the movement, rolling straight off the bed and landing on the hard floor with a soft bump and a little oof.
“That hurt, hyung.” Juyeon can hear the pout in his voice, and can't help the way it makes his mouth quirk up in a grin.
“You’re going to get my sheets all soggy,” he retorts, “go lie down in your own bed.”
“Hmm,” he hears Eric say from the floor, “no.”
The weight on the mattress shifts as Eric climbs back on, wrapping his arms around Juyeon like an annoying little koala and tucking his head neatly beneath his chin. For a while, he just stays there, not saying much of anything at all, which is odd enough for Eric; even when he’s tired, he always has something to say, and even though he’s clingy he’s never this forward about it either.
“What’s the matter?” Juyeon asks, pausing his video and glancing down at the boy. His eyes are closed, his cheek squished into Juyeon’s chest a little bit and making him seem a whole lot cuter than he is most of the time.
“Nothing.”
Juyeon waits. One, two, three, four-
“Well,” Eric continues reluctantly, “actually, hyung, I don’t feel so good tonight. I think I’m just tired.” Juyeon frowns. He doesn’t like the downtrodden, sad note to the younger’s voice at all. “It’s been a while, actually.”
“Since what?”
Eric doesn’t look at him, just keeps his arms wrapped around Juyeon’s waist like he’s using him as some kind of anchor.
“Since I started feeling all lonely,” he says, whispering the last part as though he doesn’t really want to say it at all. “I think I miss home. Sometimes no matter how much fun I’m having with you guys, or with Felix, or with anybody, I still don’t feel entirely happy. It just feels kinda empty. I don’t like it.” His voice starts to shake, and instinctively, Juyeon wraps an arm around Eric, tugging him a little closer. Any thought of his wet hair dampening his bed has left his mind, replaced with genuine concern
“Is there anything I can do?” Juyeon doesn’t really know what to say. He’s not the best with feelings in general. Eric sniffles, shaking his head against Juyeon’s chest.
“This is good.” A beat. “I’m sorry.”
“What? Why are you sorry?” Juyeon thinks that if anything, he and the others should be sorry. They’ve been so wrapped up in preparing for their upcoming album that they hadn’t even noticed Eric become more and more withdrawn, but now that it’s been pointed out he’s starting to realize the signs have been there all along.
“I’m supposed to be the energy of the group,” he sniffles again, “I’m supposed to make people happy. How can I do that when I don’t even feel happy?”
Juyeon’s heart breaks a little at the fear in Eric’s voice, the disappointment in himself painfully evident. Frowning, he brings his other hand up to card his fingers through his hair, now mostly dry, holding the younger boy securely against him.
“Nobody expects you to be happy all the time,” he says, “that’s just impossible. You’re only human. None of us mind, I don’t mind, if you get down sometimes, okay? You’ll make people happy just by being you.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Eric lifts his head to look at Juyeon, his eyes round and watery and just a little puffy; Juyeon absently wipes a tear from his cheek, swiping it away with his thumb.
“I promise,” he says seriously, still gently cupping Eric’s cheek. He notices the dark circles beneath his eyes, standing out starkly now that there’s no makeup on his face to conceal them. “When’s the last time you got a good night’s sleep?”
“Uh.”
“That’s what I thought.” He lies back down, beckoning for Eric to join him. “C’mon,” he says, “sleep.”
“Don’t you want me to lea-”
“Nope,” Juyeon cuts him off, “I want you to stay right here with me.” Eric frowns at him, but complies, lowering himself back down so that he’s lying next to Juyeon. He pulls him in again, holding him tight, as if if he tries hard enough he can squeeze all the sadness out of him. After a moment, the younger relaxes, his breathing regulating and his eyes fluttering shut.
Starting to feel sleepy himself, he turns off the lamp next to his bed, once again running his fingers through Eric’s hair.
He remembers when they were trainees, Eric barely sixteen, rusty in his Korean skills and still relatively new to dancing, and Juyeon a little too full of himself and a little too cocky in his immaturity. They’d gotten into a spat over some choreography that Juyeon was supposed to be teaching him, and Eric had ended up crying. Sure, Eric can be emotional, but seeing him genuinely upset is something Juyeon never wants to experience again.
“Any better?” He murmurs after a while, wishing he knew a better way to cheer him up.
“I think so.” Eric’s voice vibrates gently against his chest.
He remembers when they had just debuted, and Juyeon sprained his ankle during one of the final practices before their debut showcase. Despite the immense pressure of getting their performance right in time, Eric had made sure that Juyeon iced it and drank lots of water almost religiously, never once failing to check up on him.
He remembers all of the times that Eric encouraged him when he was feeling inadequate, all the times he stayed in the company building late just to keep practicing, all the times he paced around the dorm endlessly mumbling the words to his raps under his breath in order to perfect them, all the times he pushed himself for the sake of the group; and more importantly, all of the time’s he’s made Juyeon laugh so hard he can’t breathe, all the times he’s picked up Kevin or Jacob when they’re feeling too homesick, all the times he’s tagged along with Sangyeon to company meetings just to make him feel less stressed.
It dawns on Juyeon quite suddenly that whether he knows it or not, Eric is the thing that holds them all together. He doesn’t know where they’d all be without him. And he knows that what Eric’s feeling can’t be resolved in a day, or a week, or even a month, but that doesn’t really matter, because he’s got all ten of them at his back through it all.
“Thank you for this.” Eric’s voice is tiny.
“No problem,” Juyeon says, “you don’t have to thank me.”
Eric hums something unintelligible into Juyeon's shirt.
“Goodnight, Youngjae-ah.”
“Love you, Juyeon hyung.” Eric mumbles sleepily. Juyeon freezes for a second, surprised, but then relaxes, because he realizes something:
“I love you too.” He presses a soft kiss to the top of Eric’s head, and pulls him in close, not really wanting to let go ever again.