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"If I died, would you cry?"
Levi was close to spitting out his tea. The only thing stopping him from allowing himself that comfort was its price. Within a few seconds he ended up choking on it and having to cough it all out before looking back up at the one who asked the question. "Hange what the fuck do you mean?" His anger both from having lost the tea, the burning sensation in his throat and of course, the pressure of having to answer such a question.
It was a simple question and Levi was aware of that. He could easily answer with a yes or no and be off with it. There were implicit questions surrounding that simple question which Levi didn't want to address as he weighed the question. What is the probability of Hange dying? If god forbid, she did die, would the circumstances allow him to mourn?
Levi had learned already multiple times, that one could make decisions but never know the outcome. With that though, he went for the safe "maybe"
"I would probably cry if you died. We're the only ones left from the old survey corps and I guess losing you would make me feel like I lost my old self and It's probably gonna take a lot to process it." Hange offered her own answer and looked expectantly at Levi.
Somehow, Levi felt pressured to give an answer of the same quality. "Why do you wanna discuss this anyway? It's useless. We won’t know how we’d react until it happens. What if I die in battle and you have to be completely focused on the enemy to even survive?"
"Would I wanna be the last one surviving if that happened?"
Processing all the possible could-be's and would-be's had Levi shaken to his finger tips. He put his tea cup down. "About the plans for the port…"
"Hey Levi, humor me!"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Would you? Why? Why not? You didn't cry when Erwin died, when your squad died…" It was just like Hange to approach this as if it were a scientific problem.
"And you want me to go back to all those memories and come up with some conclusion on something we won't even be able to predict. Besides, at that point, will it matter?" It took a lot of energy and discipline to stop himself from raising his voice.
Hange gave him a knowing look and somehow, Levi understood that with his almost emotional tirade, he gave too much away.
"So you would cry?"
The general peacefulness of Paradis since eradicating the titans gave Levi enough free time to consider Hange's question.
He found himself embarrassed when he would have bouts of self awareness of what exactly he was doing but somehow, it gave him an excuse to think about her.
The last time he cried was when Isabel and Farlan died. When his special squad died and when Erwin died, he was in no good position to even process the death, especially since he had the younger members to consider.
Was that the reason I didn't cry? At the heat of the moment, and looking back at it, somehow he couldn't explain it. As he thought further and tried to dissect the raw feelings from his memories, he realized at the point of Erwin and his squad's death, he had already braced himself. Every death he had witnessed, somehow helped him brace himself for the more painful deaths and by the time Erwin and his squad died, Levi had already hardened himself for the impact.
Would Hange's death feel any different?
He thought back to her words.
I would probably cry if you died. We're the only ones left from the old survey corps and I guess losing you would make me feel like I lost my old self and It's probably gonna take a lot to process it.
It worked both ways. Since Erwin’s death, Levi had held on to Hange because she was the only remnant left of the life he missed. The survey corps completely changed since Erwin’s death and it was a painful transformation. They had gotten rid of the green cloak and the brown jacket. Levi continued to hold on to those pieces of the old team but a living reminder of the life he lived before. A point of common history and the feeling of camaraderie was what drew Levi to her more than anything since Erwin’s death.
She started inviting him for black tea after one of their meetings regarding the extermination of the remaining titans within Wall Maria. She was one of the few people he completely trusted and respected even before Erwin had died. Having lost the whole survey corps though, Levi had only become more vulnerable to the only friend he had left from the survey corps. On top of that, with Take Back Wall Maria operating a success, Levi had given himself some room to hope and consider the future.
That first time they were alone together was the night after they got back. They brought Eren and Mikasa straight to the jail cell and went out for some tea in their office soon after. That was the night Levi first how beautiful Hange was. She wasn’t wearing her glasses and her one good eye was staring intently at the black tea in front of her. Levi only noticed then how her eyes would narrow intently when she was thinking and how much comfort it actually gave him since by experience, he knew it always followed an ingenious idea.
Her hair was always messy. As someone more fastidious than others, Levi had hated it at first. Somehow, as he got to know her and started to become aware of the contributions the brunette made to the battlefield, he couldn’t help but think that maybe -- just maybe--- she had planned how to tie her hair, so it could fall into place just like that. It was a ridiculous thing to consider and logically, Levi knew she was just messy and scatterbrained. In the end, he admired that part of her too.
It was as if every part of her personality was there for a reason. Her wit, her tenacity, her optimism, her enthusiasm were there to fill something inside him that was missing yet, to teach him something he had still yet to master. At the same time, her bouts of seriousness always seemed to come when needed, always followed by some plan, some well thought-out information-backed decision which Levi admitted more often than not he would be unable to disprove himself.
The late night conversations over tea about plans for the taking back Wall Maria, evolved into plans for the port, then to plans on attacking Marley started to evolve into something personal as well. It evolved from questions of “What do you think?” Alone in the commander’s office late at night, Levi and Hange would exchange conversations on opinions they would have never made public in a professional meeting.
Eren changed. Mikasa changed. The old survey corps wasn’t there anymore.
Without them knowing the meaning behind the possibly cold and hard “What do you think?” became “How do you feel?” Eventually, Levi and Hange started to discuss the losses of their squad, the loss of their former commander.
The room was a mess but I waited months to clean up my squad’s things in the former headquarters.
I started using Erwin’s old pen set in the office.
Do you notice that the commander’s office doesn’t smell like him anymore?
Yeah, the new one will probably be more effective against bullets. I’m keeping the old survey corps uniform.
Suddenly, it became questions, of “Why do you feel that way?” He should have seen it coming when Hange dropped the bombshell at that time. Their conversations had become too personal, too meta and Levi only realized at the back of his mind, that he had already imagined a future with Hange. He had imagined every birthday, every success, every milestone with Hange there celebrating with him. He had imagined every loss, every failure with Hange mourning with him.
That bombshell of a question only brought him back to the inevitable reality that Hange could die. It also proved another painful reality: Hange was thinking about it.
The rough life Levi had lived meant that he did frequently get nightmares: Erwin’s death on loop as he slashed the titans necks one by one going towards the beast titan, Isabel and Farlan’s gruesome death by the aberrant titan while he was unable to move no matter how much he tried, his mother’s death and the stench of rotting corpse that only got stronger as the days went by, the sounds of rats scurrying towards his mother’s body and his futile attempts at chasing them away.
Levi had learned to live with them. He would get one and he would just go out for a midnight walk, maybe pass by the rooms of his comrades and listen to their breathing from outside the room, a brief reminder that his life was not all death. By morning, the nightmares would be a distant memory, maybe an added motivation to prevent any unnecessary deaths in the next mission assigned to them.
That night was somehow different. He wasn’t frozen. He was chasing the titan who was holding an unconscious Hange. He was slicing at the nape with all his power. He went to the front, blinded the titan. The titan continued to hold onto Hange, and Levi instead desperately for the fingers. If he couldn’t kill the titan he could at least save Hange. His swords could not penetrate the hand. He tried hitting it multiple times, from different angles.
Eventually Levi did manage to penetrate and cut the fingers off but by then it was too late. By the time he did feel the familiar sensation of blade on titan muscle, Hange had let out a blood curdling scream.
Levi screamed as he sat up. His eyes were wet. He was rattled. His ears were popping. His throat was dry. He was nauseous and had somehow expected something to come out as he dry heaved on the toilet. A few specks of blood came out, Levi guessed from a wound that had opened in his throat.
Levi painfully muttered curses. He took his pillow and tore it apart in frustration and watched as the feathers fell lifelessly on his bed. Somehow, the feathers falling on his bed, allowed him enough headspace to process what had just happened. It was just a dream. It was just a dream but somehow it felt too real. He was humanity’s strongest but he was fucking powerless to the thing called life. He could learn all these skills but life always found a way to fuck him over in particular.
Levi got up weakly. If life was going to fuck him over anyway, he should at least allow himself the luxury of a small indulgence every now and then. He went out of his room and allowed his instinct and procedural memory to lead him through the familiar route to Hange’s room.
He had forgotten to wear shoes. Any other day, he would have been disgusted to even imagine the dust sticking to the balls of his feet.
“Hange wouldn’t mind.” That was the only thing he could think of to justify it. For some reason, it was enough.
Hange had forgotten to lock the door. He had expected to see her asleep or maybe be working on something. He had expected her to be surprised at him barging into the room like that. She was sitting up in bed, silently staring at him. It was as if she had expected him to come into the room and she was expecting what he planned to do next. She scooched a bit to the right.
“You don’t mind?”
“I heard the screams Levi. I’ve heard your footsteps stop in front of my room a lot, especially right after your squad died, after Erwin died, hell after every expedition we had and I wanted to open the door for you every single time, especially right after Erwin’s death. I just didn’t think you’d want to show that side of yourself yet.”
“How are you so sure it was me?”
“Levi. We’ve worked together for so long, you can even tell it’s me knocking just by the sound. I’ve picked up my fair share of things about you too.”
They did not need to say it straight out. The warm smile and the casual confirmation of the small details that peppered their interactions more and more as time went by. Levi was fully convinced then and there of two things: that there existed something special between them and Hange had felt it too.
He slid beneath the blanket beside Hange and rested his forehead on her bare shoulders.
“You know, I will cry if you died. I’d scream. I’d beg you to stop whatever bullshit you’re doing.”
There was silence for a while. Levi thought she was asleep and for a while was relieved that Hange hadn’t heard that more explicit confession. Maybe he just was not ready to lay down his pride yet.
“You said it yourself. We won’t know how we’d react until it happens.” Her voice felt cold. Maybe that was what was needed from his commander, given the impending war.
But that could wait another day. Levi pressed his face harder into Hange’s shoulders and moved up to her nape and settled his forehead on her bird’s nest of a bedhead. At that moment, he just wanted her warmth.