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Eddie's heart is beating a mile a minute.
Richie almost died, he thinks, throat closing up. Richie almost died and I let it happen.
Seeming to read Eddie's mind, Bill spits out "He could have f-f-f-fucking died, man!" He lunges toward Eddie, shoving him up into the corner, gaze searching his face. "You kn-know that, right?"
"I can't see," splutters Richie from the ground.
He's on the ground because of what I did, because of what I-
"G-Georgie's dead, the- the kid's dead, Stan- Stanley's dead, y-y-you want R-Richie too? You w-want Richie too?!" Bill shouts. His hands grip Eddie's jacket and he is absolutely seething with anger.
Eddie pales. "I don't want Richie too," he says shakily, tears stinging at his eyes. "I don't, I- I don't." That's the last thing he wants - for Richie, his closest friend, to die. I deserve this, don't I? I let my best friend get attacked by It and I didn't fucking do anything about it. He swallows back a sob; his lower lip trembles. That's what I do, I let people get hurt, because I'm a fucking coward.
Bill's shoulders heave. His face swarms with anger.
"Please don't be mad, Bill," says Eddie, and then much to his chagrin he starts to cry. Baby, taunts the voice in his head. Weak crybaby. Ma was right to coddle you. Myra was right to coddle you. "I was just scared." Scared like the worthless brat you are. He feels his cheeks heat up with shame and guilt.
"Who the fuck do you think you are?" Richie says, getting unsteadily to his feet.
"I'm sorry," Eddie starts to say, but then he realizes Richie isn't talking to him.
Richie points at Bill. "Don't you dare fucking talk to him like that, you asshole! Of course he doesn't want me to die! He had a moment, he got scared. Are you trying to tell me you've never gotten scared? Jesus fucking Christ, I can't-" He walks over to Eddie, throwing a protective arm in front of his chest. "You're supposed to be the leader. You're supposed to be understanding. He has anxiety, fuckhead! Don't you care? Or is your whole hero thing pretend?"
Eddie looks wide-eyed up at Richie, uncomprehendingly. I sat by idly while he was almost killed, Eddie thinks. He should hate me.
"Richie," Ben says in a placating tone. "I know you're upset, but-"
"Stay the fuck out of this, Ben!" yells Richie. He turns back to Bill. "Look, man, you act like you're hot shit just because we were all in love with you as a kid. But fucking grow up - this is the real world. We're all adults here. Didn't you ever stop and think for one second? Dude, he was having a panic attack! Even I know that! It almost fuckin' tore him apart here when we were kids, remember? He fell through the floor and broke his goddamn arm, and then on top of that, a clown tried to murder him! So forgive him if he's a bit nervous to be back!"
'We were all in love with you?' What? Gears turn in Eddie's head. I certainly wasn't. Well. Okay, maybe a little but... Bill wasn't the only one. I liked Richie, too. And that's normal, right? Loving your friends and wanting to kiss them? That's just a normal, platonic thing.
"You know what, Big Bill? You're being so fucking selfish right now. You went rushing into this like you always do, making us all come after you before we could even meet up to talk about a plan! We have the ritual, but what if that doesn't work? What then? Or what if Mike gets hurt? None of us have any idea how to even injure It, let alone kill It!"
Injure It. Eddie rests a hand on Richie's arm. "I do," he breathes. "Rich! I do! I- I know how to kill It!" His lips are numb, he stumbles over his words. "Guys, the- we have to make It small! When we were getting our artifacts, I went to the pharmacy - It was there as the leper, and I choked It. If we force It to be small, then we can kill It easily!"
Richie whoops. "There's my Eddie Spaghetti! See, Bill? This man is so fucking brave. He was faced with his biggest fear and he fought back. When I saw It while I was getting my artifact, I fuckin' ran!" He pulls Eddie into a giant hug.
Eddie hugs back, shocked. He's shaking like a leaf because this is the last piece falling into place, making him realize oh shit, I'm fucking gay. He's pretty sure straight men don't have their hearts in their throats whenever they get hugged by their male friends.
"You know I could never be mad at you, right, Eds?" whispers Richie in Eddie's ear.
"I- I know, Rich." Eddie pulls away slightly. He can feel Richie's body heat coming off of him in waves. "Hey, um. So, we might all die tonight."
"That's the spirit," Richie says, deadpan.
Eddie shakes his head. "No, I- fuck. I mean, uh, we might die, and- there's something I want to do." His lips part slightly; he licks them, gaze lingering on Richie's mouth. "It's, like- it's fine if you don't feel the same way, or whatever. But I really, really, kind of want to kiss you."
It's like Richie has been waiting for this his whole life. As soon as the words are in the air, he's surging forward and kissing Eddie hungrily. All Eddie can think is holy fucking shit, it does feel like fireworks. He melts into it, closing his eyes. This is it. The culmination of thirty years of feelings. It only lasts ten seconds, but it feels like so much longer. It feels like rightness. It feels perfect.
"Oh," Eddie gasps, pulling away and touching his forehead to Richie's. Everyone's eyes are burning into them, but for once in his life, Eddie doesn't care. A sense of calm floods through him. "Richie."
"Eds." Richie smiles.
"Richie," Eddie says again. He slips his left hand into Richie's right one, squeezing tightly, and mirrors what Richie had said just half an hour before: "Let's kill this fucking clown."