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One of the worst things in the world, Amy thought to herself, was her weird, unexplainable crush on Jake Peralta.
Thinking about it logically, there was absolutely no reason to like him because Amy couldn't figure out why she would like him. First off, he was Jake. Second, he was... Jake.
It'd been 7 months since he returned from being undercover (and re-confessed his feelings) (and got a girlfriend) (an amazing girlfriend) and Amy really, really needed to not like him.
As always, when in doubt, there was only one thing to do that could clear up a situation. Amy cracked open her laptop, greeted by the warmth of the cold, impersonal screen: it was time to make a comprehensive and impressive list that would remind her of the (presumably) infinite number of reasons why Jake Peralta was unlikable.
Which, considering the subject (Jake), shouldn't be a difficult thing to do.
(Right?)
UNLIKABLE JAKE LIST
1) Jake is immature and annoying.
It was Amy's first day back at work after The Bed & Breakfast Incident and the only thing that inspired her to come into work despite the heaviness she felt begging her to stay in bed all day was the fact that Teddy was supposed to stop by her place and pick up the stuff he left there. Amy thought that maybe today could constitute as her Worst Day Ever; not because she had broken up with Teddy but because she felt a strange sense of relief which made her feel overwhelmed with guilt. Her heart hurt for a million reasons she didn't want to think about and her body ached from her sleepless night spent trying to drown out her thoughts (in which 85% of them definitely weren't Jake-related because they weren't, weren't, weren't, she swore).
Her day felt slow and sluggish like a snail stuck on one of those gross glue-mouse-traps. She half-worried that her and Jake would be awkward but also half-trusted that if anyone could make things comfortable, it'd be Jake. Jake. Of course it'd be Jake.
She shook her head, trying to physically expel all of her thoughts while simultaneously trying to get herself out of the funk she was feeling.
Amy prayed to the Universe that she wouldn't have to deal with Jake today.
At that moment, Jake rolled his chair ("rolled" being defined as "dragged with extra loud screeching" because the roll-y chair wheels were broken) over to Amy's side, bumping into her.
"Amy. AAAA-my," he cooed nasally.
"No, Jake," Amy replied instinctively and she swore the Universe must have been against her (she asked for one thing, Universe, and you couldn't even comply?).
"What! You don't even know what I was gonna ask--"
"No, I will not buy 9 of the 10 boxes of Pizza Rolls so you can get the 10th box for $1," she said without glancing at him, not missing a beat.
"What? What? Pfft, I wasn't--"
"I saw the Rite Aid flyer on your desk this morning," she finally turned and looked at him, plastering on the most sarcastic smile she could muster.
Jake's eyes widened, looking momentarily shocked and momentarily something-Amy-couldn't-place-her-finger-on but quickly adjusted his collar to gain composure. "But I only have $1 and $1 for a box of Pizza Rolls is--"
"No," Amy turned her back to Jake and waited for him to slowly roll/screech away.
Later, when Amy left her desk and came back, there was a post-it on her screen with "pls pizza roll" written on it in 3rd grade-likeness handwriting. She ignored it. Immature.
Checking her e-mail, she had one new message with the subject: "PLZZZZZZZ pizza rll" and Amy deleted it right away. Annoying.
After her 5th hour processing paperwork, Amy went to refill her cup of coffee only to find the coffee grinds sprawled out and arranged into one very annoying sentence (which wasn't actually a sentence because it didn't have a subject, verb, and, hell, it didn't even have a complete thought): "PLS PIZZA RO." She wasn't completely sure why the L's were missing but the empty container of coffee grinds was a good clue. Immature.
Amy sat down in the break room, letting out a sigh in the tune of I'm-so-tired and pulled out her phone to distract herself. When she turned it on, her wallpaper had been changed to an image of a repeated pattern of Pizza Rolls. ANNOYING.
Before she knew it, her whole day was Pizza Rolls. She: 1) wanted to eat Pizza Rolls for lunch, 2) when she saw the color yellow, she thought of the Pizza Roll box, 3) she wanted Pizza Rolls for dinner, 4) did she just smell Pizza Rolls?, 5) while interviewing a witness, she swore she saw a red smudge on his shirt and maybe, just maybe, it was from a Pizza Roll, 6) this list was getting way, way too long and she had to stop now.
"Jake!" she yelled, not caring who heard her, "This is all your fault!"
Jake swiveled in his chair, looked up at her and smiled, "Hm? What's up?" he asked innocently but Amy knew he knew what this was about.
"I can't stop thinking about Pizza Rolls! I'll buy them, ok! I'll buy them!" she huffed and a bead of sweat (pizza) rolled down her face and did she just say she was going to buy the Pizza Rolls? Oh, God.
Amy, in return, was greeted with Jake's smile: transforming from innocent to goofy to down-right mischievous and Amy gasped. Did his plan to make her buy Pizza Rolls just work? She (pizza) rolled her eyes and smacked her forehead. "Jake, I swear--" she started.
"I wanted to preoccupy you," he blurted out, interrupting her.
"... what?"
"I mean... I mean, you have bags under your eyes. I thought Pizza Rolls was better than... whatever kept you up last night," he said it like it was the most casual thing in the world and Amy's heart stopped and if her face wasn't as bright red as the inside of a Pizza Roll then maybe that meant the Universe didn't completely hate her but, still, dammit, Jake.
He was immature and annoying but stupidly sweet and why did his Pizza Roll plan even work so well?
She hated the Universe.
2) Jake is gross and unhealthy because he consistently refuses to eat normal food.
"Like what you see?"
Amy jolted back to reality, only to catch herself staring. "Please, Jake, as if. You got a little something there," she motioned to her own mouth to mimic where said 'little something' aka 'gross leftover food particle on Jake's face' was.
"Oh, right," Jake smiled, weirdly, almost sweetly, as if he was flattered someone would tell him he had food on his face, "Twinkies for lunch."
Amy rolled her eyes.
Twinkies? For lunch? Disgusting.
"What do you have against eating normal food?"
"Uhm, why eat something normal when I can eat something delicious?"
She looked up at him momentarily, stone-faced and completely unamused.
"Fine, I don't like to cook--" Jake started and Amy cocked an eyebrow, "--seriously! I've done it before, just why would I take so long to cook something for myself only to eat it sad and alone when I could just, like, instantly jump into bed and eat gummy bears while I watch the game or something? Fast, efficient, and delicious. And cheaper than takeout," he raised his eyebrows and smiled like he was trying to sell the idea to her.
Amy kind of bought it. Half of her weirdly understood what he meant (she had similar feelings, eating alone after a long day at work with no one to talk to, left with the torture of hearing the endless stream of her own thoughts, things she didn't want to think about, and it didn't help that she was probably The Worst Cook Ever but, at the same time, she had too much respect for her body to subject it to that many sweets) but the other half...
"Plus, I've been eating this way since I was home alone a lot kid," Jake interrupted her thoughts, "I'm used to it."
And there it was. The strangely pathetic reasoning behind Jake's goofy actions she tried hard not to acknowledge because it made him relatable and made her think, for one second, that eating candy for all meals was ok.
But it wasn't and she needed to remember he was gross and unhealthy.
So she stayed quiet because the first thing she thought of was how he wasn't gross and was just too busy not wanting to be alone to focus on being healthier.
3) Jake is unprofessional: always goofing around and playing when he should be working.
It was a cold, dark, rainy, gloomy, and every-negative-adjective-you-could-think-of afternoon. The precinct was uncharacteristically quiet following a disturbing homicide case they just closed and, while they usually succeeded in not letting work get to them, the grey atmosphere made it difficult not to be brought down.
Amy dreaded days like these, in which the precinct wasn't up to celebrating a difficult case-closed due to the subject matter and, as a result, couldn't get out of their awfully contagious depressed fog.
"Hey, Amy," Jake plopped down on the break room's couch next to her (a little too close but she tried not to think about it considering his body was like a personal radiator and his warmth was annoyingly compelling in this weather), "let's leave Holt's door open and cover the whole entrance to his office with saran wrap so he'll walk into it. Because he wouldn't see it! Get it? Because saran wrap is clear! I think I got that idea from a dream, isn't it, like, the best?" Jake bumped into her excitedly, lightly pushing her into the side of the couch.
Amy stared at him, dumbfounded that she could even have a slight crush on this person. Why? Why?
He smiled expectantly at her, a mix of mischievousness and kid-in-a-candy store, waiting for her reply on Mission: Saran Wrap Holt's Office, as if he had any reason to believe she'd go along with him.
"That's ridiculous," she pushed him back, forcing off any weight he had on her, "saran wrap is too wrinkly." Wait, what?
Jake snapped his fingers, "You're right! See, this is why you're the #2 detective in this precinct," Jake beamed.
"What? No, I'm #1!" Internally, Amy pleaded with herself to stop but something flared inside her, like that feeling you get when your brother says you can't possibly jump as high as the boys and, oh, you're gonna show him you can, "Glass would work better. Do you still have the contact info of the glazier we saved from that guy with the wild ferret?"
"Amy Santiago," Jake grinned, getting way-too-close to her, "I like the way you think."
Eight hours later, the whole precinct was in an uproar (the good kind of uproar, though): laughter spread as Hitchcock and Scully replayed a video of Charles trying to walk into Captain Holt's office and hitting the glass-window-door-replacement as he let out a high-pitched scream.
"Charles, I told you we were putting glass there," Jake managed between laughs, "you saw them install it!"
"I forgot!" Charles proclaimed, "Man, I think I bruised my--" suddenly he whispered, "--baby-maker."
"Charles! Ew!" Gina raised her hand in front of her face out of disgust.
Rosa stifled her laugh, Terry let out a big sigh, and Amy held her sore-from-laughing stomach.
When Amy looked at Jake, he was smiling affectionately with softened eyes. She felt her body relax: it was so blaringly obvious the glass window joke was far from being hilarious but on a sad, quiet day, it was the perfect harmless prank to brighten their moods.
She could tell he planned the whole thing on purpose by the way he replayed the video and made sure to search for everyone's reactions.
"Thanks," Amy said softly, later, when things settled down, successfully remaining considerably more cheerful.
"Couldn't have done it without you," Jake replied, his smile never fading, and in that moment maybe the clouds parted and the sun came out.
Her heart skipped a beat.
(Dammit.)
4) Jake is blindly optimistic in a dangerous way
His gun slid across the ground as he tackled the perp, slamming him into the wall.
"Amy!" Jake called out and he was getting punched in the stomach one-too-many times, sapping his energy, making it difficult for him to successfully pin the guy.
When the perp finally got enough balance, he whipped out a knife and Amy felt her world go dark, tunnel-visioning onto the fight.
They called for back-up, but had to move fast when the perp--a kidnapper--set his hideout on fire with the kid still inside.
"Don't move!" Amy pointed her gun but Jake couldn't keep the perp steady.
"Now, Amy!" Jake struggled, knocking the knife out of the kidnapper's hand, cutting his own hand in process.
When Amy shot him in the chest, Jake fell to the ground in recoil and for a second she felt her breath leave because Jake--
"The kid's still inside," Jake coughed and Amy breathed again, "I'm going in," he jumped up with whatever strength he had left.
"No!" Amy grabbed his arm, "Wait for the Fire Department, you can't--"
"Amy, it's fine," Jake smiled and it was weirdly genuine and extremely unsettling, "you know there's no time, it's been too long. It'll be ok," Amy wanted to recite every rule she ever learned about situations like this but her entire mind was blank and she couldn't remember anything except the way Jake was looking at her, "don't worry! Promise I'll be back, byeee--"
And he left. And she yelled after him but he didn't turn back and she seethed with anger because what did he mean "it'll be fine" and "promise I'll be back" and "byeee" as if he was some kind of idiot? He was an idiot, choosing this moment to act on his blind optimism as if it was chivalrous, as if he had no respect for his own life, as if no one cared about the consequences--
Amy's head swirled with incoherent thoughts. This kind of thing was only supposed to happen in those overly-dramatic movies and Amy pleaded with the Universe that her movie-life was a comedy instead of a drama so Jake would make it out of there fine.
When Jake never came out and the Fire Department stormed into the half-fallen building, Amy bit her lip trying to remain calm regardless of the dampness she felt on her face (she was too angry to even want to know if she was crying or not).
A firefighter emerged with a body and she knew she'd be horrified but she was even more horrified to see the body was Jake, covered in blood, clutching the kidnapped girl tightly to his chest.
"You're the worst," Amy whispered out of lack of courage, averting her gaze to the floor from next to his hospital bed, "you're an idiot."
"Hey," Jake laughed, annoyingly, too-cheerfully, "I said it'd all be fine and it was! Justice always prevails, right? I knew it-- I'm always right," Amy stayed silent, "it's a curse. Really, I--"
"Jake," Amy spoke up, finally looking at him, finally seeing him all bandaged up and weak-looking, painted by his same-old smile, trying to convince her not to worry-- not to care, "please, don't."
There was a silence.
"... I'm sorry," Jake said uncharacteristically after a beat, "I got carried away. I thought, 'what if her parents lose her?' I couldn't-- I mean-- it hurts bad enough to lose someone when they're still alive, let alone... I mean, losing a kid is--"
"But losing you is--" Amy blurted out, cutting him off, her voice raised, and his eyes went wide, and if she wasn't so upset and angry she probably would wonder why he'd ever look surprised that someone would be scared of him dying.
It was quiet until some nurses came in and Jake flirted and joked with them like nothing was wrong, like nothing happened, and Amy knew he was optimistic and brave but it was too much.
She knew being "blindly optimistic" was negative but when she thought about the kidnapped girl's parents being able to hold their child again, she wasn't sure what to think.
5) Jake is destructively awful with money
"Pay daaaa--y!" Jake sang as he burst into the precinct and his presence instantly lightened the mood, adding a stroke of cheerfulness to the 99.
Amy fought back her smile: it was cute he was excited but, with his crushing debt, she doubted he could enjoy any money he made.
"I was thinking of buying one of those poodle calendars-- you know, like, a Poodle of the Month type of thing," Jake continued as he sat down at his desk.
"Oh my gosh! I had one of those once, only it was for pugs--" Amy replied, forgetting her previous thought that Jake should definitely pay his bills and not buy a calendar, because what a waste considering he had a phone where the date was directly on the lock screen (right?).
"Aren't they awesome?" Jake bubbled.
"They're so cute! I like to look at them since--"
"--since you're allergic!"
"Exactly!"
"Man, getting a dog calendar is like the best idea, should I bring it to work when I get it?"
"Would you?!"
"Ye--"
"Ahem," Rosa cleared her throat, cutting their conversation short, "Sarge needs you dorks on a job."
Amy and Jake composted themselves.
The job was to track down a woman who was masquerading as a homeless person in order to pick-pocket rich business people and steal their identities. So far, she had stolen thousands of dollars but it couldn't be tracked back to her. They were ordered to interview locals and any homeless people in the area to see if they had any info on the woman but, by the time they ran into Mlepnos, the not-so-homeless woman was already seen escaping the area.
In an attempt to stop her, they ran through 5 candy stores, 2 lingerie shops, and got lost in a construction site. After wrestling around, stubbing 5 toes, and inhaling copious amounts of dust, Amy and Jake caught her and promptly arrested her... after working 8 hours overtime.
When they returned to the precinct, Jake excitedly thought of more things he could possibly buy with his paycheck (none of them bills and none of them useful items, unless you count 3 rubber balls because at least you could throw them at people, or something, who knows?) because, due to their overtime, the check had already been deposited into his bank account (with, like, $53 less because of overdraft fees).
"Ok, what about a statue carved out of butter?"
"Jake, I'm pretty sure a statue carved out of butter costs more than your entire paycheck," Amy laughed, shaking her head.
The next morning when Jake was late for work (again), Amy happened to see him at the corner, chatting up some of the homeless individuals they interviewed the day before. Although "door duty" type assignments sucked, Jake was strangely charismatic and always came out with a few new friends. How anyone could make a friend in, like, 2 minutes was beyond Amy (but of course it was possible because Jake). He had a huge box filled with who-knows-how-many styrofoam containers and handed one to each of them.
"They make really great grits there!" she heard him say and her breath caught because was he giving them food? He was giving them food.
When she met up with him inside and asked if he decided to buy the poodle calendar or rubber balls or ice cream piggy bank, he smiled and shrugged.
"Nah, unfortunately not," he played with a button on his shirt, "I spent the money already."
If she hadn't seen Jake just minutes early, she probably would have broken out into a stress-induced coughing fit. "All of it?"
"All that was leftover after paying all 2 of my bills, anyway."
"... I'm pretty sure you have more than 2 bills to pay, Jake."
He crossed his arms and scrunched his face up awkwardly. "Neeehhh..."
Amy laughed. Jake Peralta: in crushing debt but still bought food for the homeless. She would've thought it was a bad idea if it wasn't such a good one and the fact that sentence was so contradictory fit Jake so well.
Oh, Jake.
6) Jake is kind of weird looking?
(she realized this was stretching it but she needed an even number list on this God forsaken list and that was the only thing she could think of)
Amy wasn't sure when she started thinking Jake was very-- kind of-- somewhat attractive. He had a huge goofy grin and he wasn't built like Chris Hemsworth, in fact, he looked pretty standard and kind of comfortable but he did have nice arms and looked so good in a button-up shirt and, dang, boy's got a boooo-tay--not that she was looking because that would be completely inappropriate and she'd never use "boo-tay" in a real world context and, wait, what was the point of this sentence again?
She shook her head furiously, trying to shake every thought out of her head because there was no way she was daydreaming about checking out Jake Peralta.
"Are you, like, in a shampoo commercial or something? Your hair looks good by the way," Jake peered at her from over his computer screen.
"Sorry, did you say something? I was busy working," Amy replied cheekily without returning his gaze because it was too soon after her strange, wildly unprofessional daydream.
He threw an eraser at her head and when she broke her decision not to look at him in order to scold him she could swear she saw a twinkle in his eye but that also might have just been her getting lost in his eyes because they were nice and friendly and beautiful and oh God are they having a staring contest? look away Amy!
Later, when Jake was laughing with Rosa halfway across the room, sporting his dumb, honest, charming smile, she cursed her traitorous heart for fluttering because hearts shouldn't flutter unless someone was super (like, beyond) attractive and Jake wasn't--shouldn't be--super attractive.
He caught her staring (again) and gave her a thumbs up like a big dork and Amy decided to Google "why do boys seems more attractive when they're cute, aren't those two completely different things?" when she got home.
The Google results, though, were definitely not helpful.
In fact, they disturbed her. But let's not talk about that.
Slamming her laptop shut, Amy sighed, frustrated. Her Unlikable Jake List looked worse on paper than it did in her Word document and, to be completely honest, it already looked awful in her Word document.
Not only was a list with only 6 points pathetic (there should be at least 10!) but, if she dug deep down and drank 9000 gallons of a magical truth serum, she'd admit that these "unlikable" qualities were actually strangely... likable? And, if she drank 8700 more gallons of magical truth serum, she'd admit that her list actually reinforced reasons why she liked him (and she'd also like to say that this was the only time in the History of the World where a list proved ineffective).
Jake was imperfect: he was immature, annoying, unprofessional, optimistic to a fault, bad with money, and cute (wait) but he was sweet, fun, thoughtful, caring, and cute (???). He somehow masked his good qualities with bad ones but Amy could, unfortunately, see through it and knowing that made her heart, unfortunately x 2, soar.
He was a good guy; a great one. Despite being terrible at expressing his emotions successfully, his heart was in the right place, always putting others before himself and, ugh, wasn't he charming?
Amy was unsure why "annoying" on Jake Peralta was charming and was even more unsure about what that meant about her personality if she was charmed by being annoyed. Did that sentence even make sense? Nothing made sense when it came to Jake, she decided.
She felt like her head would explode but her heart would probably explode first.
The only thing more annoying than Jake Peralta was the fact that she liked him so much.
(Because, if it wasn't clear, her list essentially made everything worse in that totally-cemented-her-feelings-for-him way and when she deleted it without creating a back-up, she felt more relieved than anything.)