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Some things just bothered Grian, and he didn't know why.
Sleep was one of them. An ever-persistent fear of the nightmares that could happen during it was a reason to delay sleep as far back as possible, his mind constantly churning as paranoid thoughts would fill it. Sleep paralysis, nightmares, night terrors, death, so much could happen. He could be killed in his sleep, and he wouldn't know. The thought was terrifying. And the almost weekly nightmares were more than enough motivation.
Plus, there was the factor of his thoughts. His dumb, stupid thoughts. If he didn't distract himself during the night, they would run amok and cause distress. Constantly whispering about how much of a failure he was, how stupid he was, how at any moment someone could kill him. These paranoid thoughts haunted his every move, and if staying up until four a.m. so he could pass out without these thoughts was how it had to be to get rid of them, so be it.
He did everything to make sure they shut up. It was an endless routine. Work and procrastinate during the day, then relax or keep working until he could barely think. That was how it was, and Grian was content with this. He would distract himself and keep distracting himself, not letting the thoughts get to him.
However, each day was just getting more tiring and tiring. The thoughts were getting to him more than usual, each little slip-up and mistake becoming a new target for the thoughts. And it was so easy to believe it. He was a failure, a disappointment, a screwup, a good-for-nothing waste of time that couldn't do anything right.
He knew thinking like that was wrong, but he couldn't stop, he just couldn't stop, although he wanted to, all he wanted was this stupid pain to end.
Grian knew how much he was spiraling each day, and he started hating himself more for it. Since when did you have the right to be sad about everything? You live a perfectly good life, you ungrateful brat. Why can't you just appreciate it and stop being selfish? Everyone would be better off without you and your self-centered emotions. People have it worse than you, stop being so sensitive.
It was just an endless, endless cycle, and Grian was so tired of it.
Some things just pushed him over the edge, and he didn't know why. Some things just bothered him, throwing him into a mild panic. Like being ignored. He didn't deserve to be ignored, right? He didn't do anything wrong.
Yet the voice would come in again.
Do you want a list of all your mistakes? They're not overreacting, you're just being a horrible person and even worse friend. How self-centered do you have to be? Just suffer in your corner and shut up! Nobody cares about you and nobody should.
He wanted to curl up in a corner and wait for the voice to disappear, for the constant pain to end, for everything to go numb. That was all he wanted. All Grian wanted was to stop feeling like garbage everyday, for life to stop giving him happiness and then snatching it away.
Sometimes he wanted to succumb to the pain, sometimes dreaming of ending it all, sliding a blade across his skin like it was art. Anything to feel better.
Yet he couldn't. He was too afraid, and he couldn't hurt everyone like that.
At every action and thought, the voice would come in again, constantly mocking him for everything that made him himself. That was how it was and always would be, and to Grian, he saw no end to it.
<Iskall85> You coming?
Snapping out of his thoughts, Grian sucked in a breath and rubbed his eyes, slowly pulling himself together.
<Grian> yeah, sorry.
It would never change.