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She was always surprised at how easy everything was in William’s body. Like an uninterrupted stream, just going on its own course away from prying eyes. Christina thought that was why she liked wearing his body so much. She did so even if she didn’t need to. Sometimes she would just pick her own things up from town, telling the store clerks they were for Miss Braithwhite in the deep voice that was William’s.
She didn’t mean to lie to Ruby, never would do that. The first time she saw Ruby, that pure force in sequin dress and her fingers working that magic on those guitar strings, Christina was enchanted. William’s teeth bit on the rim of the tumbler to keep from chuckling at the irony of it all; the witch bewitched, who would’ve thought?
It was pure circumstance -fate- the same to her, that she was there and Ruby was there. When she kissed Ruby later that night, tasted the familiar metallic taste of blood on her hand -when she did so many, many wonders on Ruby’s body and Ruby on hers, Christina felt irrefutable bliss. So no, she did not lie when she said Ruby made her feel magic where there wasn’t. Didn’t lie when she kissed Ruby and hoped all the thoughts she had went to the other women like love letters. Of course Ruby didn’t get them through the kisses, nor through their time spent in the bathtub, nor through wads of money Christina left for her in hope of invoking little smiles (Ruby never took those, and oh, how Christina wanted her to, so selfishly wanted Ruby to have a taste of what money could buy and get hooked on it like a drug) nor through their skins touching (the skin Christina wished so much was hers but William’s would have to do for now). Ruby didn’t get any of those, but it was alright as long as Christina got to have her around for another day. And Ruby kept coming around, so Christina must have been doing something right.
When Ruby caught her bursting out of William’s skin, Christina was sure that was the end of it all, of whatever they had that was as intangible as magic. She was teary-eyed the whole time she explained it to Ruby. At Lancaster’s party she was offered some assurance. No, she bought William some assurance, all that her courage could afford. Ruby risking her life for William proved that she was interested in him (her?) beyond the white woman’s body Christina kept for her in the basement, but the real question Christina was dying to ask was if Ruby was interested in him beyond his body lying in there too. Of course she didn’t ask that. Lately she had come to terms with how she was a coward.
Christina was always on the edge of the cliff tip-toeing with Ruby, one wrong step and it could all be gone. There was so much at stake here, too, in the basement, her body covered in blood and pieces of William’s skin, one wrong word and it all could come tumbling down the way God struck Babel. And Ruby’s eyes, gosh, those were the worst. Her brown eyes now held no warmth in them they froze Christina to her very core, it took all those years of putting up a facade for Christina not to shatter like ice. Ruby rejected her touch, a familiar crack formed in Christina’s heart (to think rejections would feel like a second home to her already), but it was alright because Ruby came back again. Broken but it was alright. This time it was easier to comfort her, perhaps because Christina was wearing William. William knew how to put Ruby back like puzzle pieces. Everything was so much easier with William.
Fucking the skin off of Ruby. That was something else. Magic upon magic, upon magic, upon magic.
The next day Ruby caught her on the phone. And Christina had been wearing so much William these days she wouldn’t have realized she was in her own body if Ruby’s eyes had not been hard as a statue. Emmett Till. That was what all the colored people were freaking out about. And Ruby came up to her like she wanted Christina to apologize for it, but Christina would never lie to Ruby, didn’t have it in her to feign sympathy when black boys die everyday she couldn’t recite all their names and really, why wasn’t Ruby used to it by now? And she knew Ruby -she knew she did- what they had was intimate beyond words, she knew things about Ruby that even Ruby herself wouldn’t want to know. She could see through her, could love all the ugly, unkind bits in Ruby. And oh, if only Ruby knew this she wouldn’t be mad at her. If only Ruby knew she would know how much love Christina had for her and it would be enough. Why wouldn’t it be?
Ruby looked so betrayed. Christina didn’t understand a thing.
Still, Christina hired two white men to murder her the way Emmett Till was murdered. It was the worst pain in her entire life, (not that she knew much physical pain). The pain got worse and worse with every punch and every kick that when they shot her in the stomach, she couldn’t differentiate the first bullet from the second. Neither could she when they tied the barbed wire around her throat and let her body sink, was her throat burning from the sharp metal or the struggle for air? She couldn’t tell if she was gurgling blood or water by then. When she came back her sobs and laughter were identical.
For Ruby.
Oh, this woman would be the death of her.
Well, she hadn’t said anything about the night she died to Ruby. Didn’t plan on it either although Ruby hadn’t forgiven her. She mustn’t have because she was gone for days and Christina was running out of patience, craving the heat of Ruby’s skin on her lips, her presence around the house, her peace of mind. A part of her wanted Ruby to find out somehow so she would forgive Christina and come back to their empty home, see her effort and her intention, her dedication to be better. (She died for her, who else could say that?) But it would defeat the purpose, Christina was well aware, some things could only be said if they went unsaid.
When the phone rang she rushed to it, couldn’t hide the smile in her voice when she heard Ruby on the other end of the line. They needed her help, Ruby told her on the phone. She didn’t like that Ruby sounded so worried but she was glad nonetheless to hear her voice. Of course she said yes. Of course she ignored all road regulations flying to Ruby’s (Dee’s) rescue in that silver Bentley of hers. And of course, you have to come back with me , she pleaded on the phone, not wanting to sound like she was making a bargain over a girl’s life-and-death condition but she was desperate. So desperate now that Ruby was breathing into her ear.
She couldn’t do what Ruby asked of her but Ruby came back with her still. Christina held her hand the whole way back.
It was the eternity of firsts that she wanted, she told Ruby, that she would get, since everything was meticulously planned out. Except the part where she fell for Ruby. She guessed it wasn’t all that surprising. Ruby was magic albeit of a different kind completely. A better, warmer kind that could hold her and kiss her. Could love her. One day. Eventually. Christina mused but didn’t tell Ruby that, still tip-toeing on the cliff.
They went on a date some nights later, and it went so beautifully that Christina was almost sated. Maybe she would be if Titus fucking Braithwhite’s ghost didn’t appear in front of her car and sent her flying out the window. Her heart sank thinking of Ruby in the passenger seat and she didn’t breathe again until she saw Ruby was safe, although the identical worried expression on her face pained Christina just the same. The ghost of Titus told her about The Book of Names and Christina was genuinely surprised her first thought was to tell him to fuck off.
She went to strike a deal with Atticus anyway because magic was her only purpose for so long she forgot how she could want other things, to be content with other things. But somewhere along the way Ruby became just as important. She really did. Stupidly he turned her down and she was so angry she could summon a shoggoth to bite his limbs off but no, she needed him for the Equinox now that he refused her the alternative. All she could do was storm off and wait.
Ruby was different tonight. In a way she was the same, but she was the Ruby that she was with William. For the first time, Christina couldn’t read Ruby. This was a crisis, really, but what could she do? She’d desired Ruby like this for so long it was a dream come true. It really was. A dream. An illusion. A plan. A ploy. Of course Ruby had other people to love and be loved by. If anyone had a choice, why would they choose Christina?
She didn’t need Ruby to tell her what she’d been scheming with her people, she would just pretend she didn’t know. However it was going to play out, Christina risked death just to press her lips on Ruby’s. Another first. God, most likely the last first in the eternity that she now knew she had given up.
“Leti told me her plan,” Ruby explained anyway, forehead against Christina’s. “And I know now that you know, you’re going to have to kill her and Tic and they’re all going to help each other out, Christina. You’re gonna have to kill all of them if you want your immortality and I’ll not allow that, as long as I’m alive.” Ruby sighed, something sad in the quiet laugh that followed. “Hell, you’d have to kill me first. Right here, right now.”
They weren’t tears of defeat. Christina knew she lost the moment she was forced to choose between Ruby and her immortality, She liked a demanding woman, and Ruby was demanding her to choose. And she had chosen. Had chosen probably the moment she set her eyes on this woman. Crying and laughing at the irony of it all, Christina really brought about her own downfall, plucked her from a bar and kissed her and loved her. Christina guessed she always knew Ruby would be the magic she ended up with, the kind of magic so strong she refused to co-exist with other kinds of magic.
“If I had asked first,” Christina choked, “Would you- would you have chosen me?”
“I’m choosing you now,” Ruby said, in a tone that was almost reprimanding. Like she was a mother sick of her child’s dramatic demeanor. Christina was convinced she would see Ruby rolling her eyes if she could see past her blinding tears. Ruby took her hands in hers, and if anything it made Christina cry even harder. The thing she had been holding, it didn’t make sense at all now that she was holding it like that. “I’m choosing you, Christina. That’s why I’m asking you to choose me too.”
Just as many firsts as she could experience with Ruby by her side, that was what Christina chose.