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Thasussia paced anxiously at the gates to Oathstone. She wanted to get going already, but Lym still hadn’t returned. Where is she? She knew she must look impatient, but she didn’t really care. The longer they waited, the longer Claire was in danger.
“She’ll be here soon, Thasussia. I know you’re anxious, but we’ll make it.” Anka put a hand on Thasussia’s shoulder reassuringly, but Thasussia didn’t feel any better. Finally, Lym appeared in the distance. Thasussia breathed a sigh of relief, then frowned behind her mask. Lym being there meant they could leave, but something seemed off.
“Did you find anything out?” Thasussia asked, nervously rushing toward her. Lym had gone to speak to Odette while Mylgard and Marianne took Rica-El back to the manor to protect her. Thasussia wished she could have gone with them but… She couldn’t bring herself to face the young fae-kin. Not when she had failed Claire already. She may have protected Rica in the fight against the giant, but that didn’t mean she had earned the right to tell her she’d be back soon. After all, she had already broken the promise to her first daughter. She couldn’t do the same to a second.
“Oh. Odette said once we heal Claire she should be fine.” Lym paused, and Thasussia stopped walking. There was more, and from Lym’s expression it wasn’t good. “I stopped by the mansion to check on Minerva and Andi, and Rica-el gave me a message for you…”
“What did she say?” Thasussia could feel her heart beating faster, hear her pulse pounding in her ears. She had just met Rica today, but she was obviously connected to Claire, and Thasussia couldn’t explain it but she cared deeply for the young girl. If she had given Lym a message, it was probably important.
“Well… She said that, due to the nature of her connection with Claire, they can’t meet face to face. So, when we get back…” Lym trailed off, the end of the message painfully clear.
“Oh…” The pounding in her ears stopped, and a chill spread from her chest. Once again, Thasussia had failed her daughter. Even if they saved Claire, there was no guarantee they could get back to the fae wyld to see Rica-el again. And if they didn’t save her…
“It’s ok though! She’ll be safe with Mylgard and Mari, and we’ll definitely save Claire. I know it’s hard right now, but we can do this. There are two girls counting on you.” Lym smiled, trying to sound optimistic, but the damage was done.
“For now.” Thasussia muttered. She pulled her hood down lower and walked away, mounting her horse quickly. Lym looked after her for a moment before mounting her own horse, then the party began the long journey to the Aboleth Mountains.
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The small party of adventurers made their return trip to Oathstone slowly. When they had left, they had been hopeful, and hesitantly optimistic. That optimism had been shattered horribly, turned into silence and pitiful glances, and the weight of responsibility they had carried had been replaced by the weight of a child’s corpse.
Through it all, Thasussia felt nothing. There was no rage anymore, no desperation to protect or belong, no hope for a better future. Everything she had stored within her died with Claire.
When they had finally arrived at their destination, everyone thought they would have the chance to face their enemy. They hadn’t been traveling together for long, but they had already faced off against powerful foes and emerged victorious. Surely this time would be no different.
It wasn’t until they saw Claire lying motionless on the ground that they realized they had been too hopeful. Too confident. They had thought they could save everyone simply through willpower and determination.
They were wrong.
Next to Claire, Gantz lay motionless on the ground. There was blood matting his hair down, but his chest rose and fell, indication that he was still alive. Gloria picked him up and carefully placed him on her back, then began to reach for Claire, but Thasussia stepped between them. She silently picked up her adopted daughter, and the group began the long journey home.
“Theresa, if you’d like, maybe I could -” Anka trailed off when Thasussia shook her head weakly, clutching the girl in her arms closer to her body. Claire had been her responsibility. She was the one who had put the poor girl in danger. It was her fault that such a young girl died. That two young girls had died. No one else could carry that burden.
When they were almost an hour away from their destination, Thasussia saw a horse rushing toward them. On the back of the horse, Marianne was leaning forward. She looked anxious, and her eyes were puffy. She slowed and stopped next to Thasussia. Marianne had been left to protect Rica-El. Her presence here meant that Rica-El had indeed died along with Claire.
“agaan o osh?” Marianne said quietly. Are you ok? Thasussia looked at her friend, unsure how to respond. Mari was, of course, only trying to help. Thasussia knew that, and yet how could she be ok? If only she hadn’t found Claire on the streets that day, hadn’t brought her home and promised to take care of her. If only Rica-el’s life hadn’t been tethered to the unfortunate girl unlucky enough to be “rescued” by an optimistic goblin. How could a goblin protect anyone in the first place? Thasussia had been a fool to think things would end differently this time.
After a few seconds Thasussia looked away from Marianne. It wasn’t the answer Marianne was hoping for, but she understood. Thasussia felt a gentle squeeze on her shoulder before Marianne moved to check on her brother.
When the party finally arrived at Oathstone, their friends greeted them somberly. Lym had already let them know that things hadn’t turned out well and had promised details when they returned, but seeing the unmoving body of a girl who was too young and innocent for her fate must have been all the answer they needed for the moment.
The villagers parted, allowing the party to move toward the tavern. No one said anything. The birds and bugs were quiet. It was as if the heavens themselves had stopped to mourn, and the silence was so thick Thasussia was struggling to even breathe.
When they arrived at the tavern, they found Lara sitting at a table. Thasussia carried Claire’s body inside, and Lara stood. For a moment, the woman’s eyes filled with hope, perhaps she thought that any second Claire would groan or cough, anything to say “I’m alive.” It didn’t take long for that hope to drain from Lara’s eyes.
Thasussia went to a vacant room on the second floor and laid Claire down to rest in one of the beds. If she didn’t know any better, she may have thought Claire was only asleep. She looked so peaceful. Unfortunately, Thasussia did know better. When she turned, she saw Lara standing in the doorway.
“I’m sorry. We were too late. I couldn’t save --” Thasussia was cut off when Lara pulled her into a tight hug.
“You did everything you could. Claire knows that. Thank you for giving us both a better life, even if it was brief.” The pain in Lara’s voice was evident. Thasussia stared at the floor and saw small stains appear where Lara’s tears were falling. After a few moments, Lara released her embrace and looked into Thasussia’s eyes. “She loved you, you know. She was always anxious for you to come home.”
Why?
The rest of the day dragged on, but Thasussia hardly noticed. She heard someone, probably Lym, say they should bury Claire, and the body was taken from the room Thasussia had put it in. An onslaught of blurred faces approached and offered condolences for her loss, unwelcome and unanswered.
What right did they have to pretend they understood what she was going through? They came and made themselves part of her loss as if they had any business being there, but Thasussia didn’t care. She couldn’t care. Nothing mattered anymore to begin with, so why should she care what the nameless masses did?
Several hours later, Gantz stirred. His memory was still foggy, and he wasn’t quite sure what had happened, but he remembered enough. After giving what little information he could to the rest of the party, he quietly approached the corner table where Thasussia was sitting.
“Hey Theresa.” He paused, maybe hoping for a response, or maybe simply gathering his thoughts. “I... I’m sorry. I tried to protect Claire, but everything happened so fast and... Anyway, I know it won’t bring her back, but I truly am sorry.” He looked at her for a moment with uncharacteristic remorse in his eyes, then turned and walked away.
She wasn’t yours to protect. Thasussia stood and approached the bar. She put down a gold coin and took a room key, then went upstairs so she could be alone. When she reached the room, she locked the door behind her and sat on the bed, staring at the empty wall in front of her.
Knock knock knock
The knocking was so light Thasussia thought she may have imagined it. She stood and approached the door, but said nothing. After a moment, a soft voice came through the door. “Can I come in?”
Thasussia sighed, then unlocked the door and pulled it open. Marianne entered the room, closing the door behind her.
“We don’t have to talk. I just didn’t want you to be alone.” Mari smiled weakly at Thasussia. “I know you’re hurting right now, but please know that I am here for you.”
Why would you waste your time being here for me? “......mm..” It was the first real sound Thasussia had made since finding Claire. Mari sat next to her on the bed and they just sat for a while. True to her word, Marianne didn’t force any conversation. After a couple hours passed she stood to leave so her brother wouldn’t worry.
“I know he seems cold, but I’m sure Leon knows you’re hurting, too. That’s probably why he let me stay for so long without interrupting. We’re all here for you. So… shuulkaan rhan duun an.” Come back to us. Marianne let the door close silently behind her, leaving Thasussia alone finally. Alone with the pain swirling inside her, alone with the storm of emotions she was too afraid to face.
Alone with the weight of losing more people she had loved.
Thasussia stayed in that room, alone. She stared at the wall, replaying her life over and over, watching herself fail time and time again. She didn’t know when it happened, but at some point, the blank wall became a backdrop, and she saw scenes from her own life being played out before her eyes.
She saw Theresa, her first friend. Her first love. She watched as Theresa collapsed, watched as she carried her back to her village and was chased out, hard rocks bouncing off her arms and head. She watched a man follow her home, then saw mercenaries slaughtering her family. Her clan. Her father and mother lay in the rubble next to their clean leader, her uncle. Her cousin, Dracthil, stared at her with dead eyes from the cave’s entrance.
The small group that had not been home returned to find the clan decimated. Led by her other cousin, the new Clan Leader Daxar, what was left of her clan rushed recklessly into the human village, killing every man, woman, and child, before succumbing to their own injuries. Within hours, everyone Thasussia knew was gone, all because she had the gall to love someone.
She watched herself mourn in the rubble and ashes, holding a bloody sword to her stomach. She saw the grime being washed from her face as tears streamed from her eyes, then the sword clattered to the ground. She watched the young, weak goblin in front of her stand up and take step after step.
She saw the years pass as her past self went from town to town, afraid of getting close to anyone. Sometimes she would be found out as a goblin and chased out of town, sometimes she would steal and only be branded a thief. Eventually, she wound up in a snowy town, not quite sure how she had reached it. There, she met a grumpy blonde man and his sister, a cheery young cleric and her tough but caring girlfriend, and a calculating spellcaster.
Despite everything within her telling her it was time to go, Thasussia watched herself make one critical mistake. She wanted to know who these people were. What they were doing here. She started to get close to them, understand them. Before long she decided to join up and travel with them.
Joining up with the party that day brought her to the point of no return. Thasussia wanted to yell at herself, tell herself she still had time, but she choked on her own words as the scene changed in front of her.
Thasussia was standing in a busy town when she saw a girl selling flowers. She leaned down and talked to the girl, then bought a flower and put it in the girl’s hair. The girl smiled and nodded enthusiastically before following her to the tavern. Thasussia felt tears streaming down her face as she watched herself adopt Claire, promising her a safe place to stay and a better future. Ultimately, Thasussia failed to keep that promise.
She watched as she left Claire in the care of a chef for the palace, then sailed across the sea. She saw her party exploring a temple, saw herself turned into dust, and then back into herself. She saw Marianne turn from stone into a living, breathing person again. Then, the party returned home and continued working together, saving the Jerbeens from a cursed house and finding them a new place to call home.
Every decision led to Thasussia inviting Claire to live with her in this town. This wretched town that cost her everything.
Claire came, and Thasussia was so happy to be able to spend more time with her daughter. They laughed and played, and Claire looked so happy.
And then she got sick. Just like Theresa.
Thasussia tried to muffle her sobs, holding tightly to her pillow as she watched herself leave Claire, promising that everything would be fine, and she would return soon with a cure. That was the second promise she had made to Claire, and the second promise she would break. She watched herself trying desperately to stay calm in the fae wyld while her child was lying there, sick. She wanted to scream at the visions on the wall to go faster when they received the fae sage.
She watched herself arrive too late. She saw the hurried preparations to follow any trail they could find. She watched as she ran around town, looking for any sign of her daughter.
And then her heart broke, and the dam that was holding back her emotions began to crack. When she saw Rica-el introduce herself and heard her say “Are you my mom?” Thasussia screamed into her pillow. She screamed once, only for a few seconds, but she was sure someone heard her. She didn’t care. She could feel the cracks in her composure widening, and she tried to shut everything out. Try as she might though, when she closed her eyes, the scenes kept playing on the backs of her eyelids.
Rica-el followed her around town. She was scared at first, but when Thasussia held onto the girl’s hand, she seemed to calm down. Then the giant attacked, and Thasussia took hit after hit to protect this girl.
After that, Rica-el explained who she was, and her connection to Claire. There was no doubt that Thasussia was this girl’s mother as well.
The meeting with Lym and Percival was a blur, and before Thasussia knew it, she saw herself racing toward the mountains. She squeezed her eyes, trying to shut out the images, knowing what would come next.
The scene of finding Claire, lifeless on the ground, played on a loop in her mind. Along with it, she saw Rica’s face, so full of hope and concern, twist in pain. She saw Mari doing everything she could to help, but in an instant Rica was gone.
Thasussia felt tears begin to roll down her cheeks as the scenes played over and over in her mind. Those tears were the first streams of emotion that began pouring through the cracks that had been forming over the last several days. She had failed everyone. She was worthless. It should have been her, not those girls, that died.
Then a different scene replayed. One she hadn’t paid much attention too when she was watching her life the first time. Thasussia watched as her body shifted from goblin to dust, repeating the process endlessly. She had died. She was supposed to be dead. Everything that happened after was a punishment for her defying her fate in that moment.
In that moment, Thasussia stopped crying. An idea formed quickly in her mind. Her dam began to repair itself. The fortifications were weak, but they would hold. She would make them hold. Her mind was made up.
After a moment, Thasussia stood and put on her cloak and mask. She didn’t grab any of her belongings. She wore the same clothes she had worn the day before. The sun was already past its peak, which meant she had stayed up the whole night, undisturbed. Surely no one would bother her until the evening.
By then she would be long gone.
As Thasussia reached for the door to leave, someone knocked on the other side. She froze.
“Theresa? Do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?” Lym’s voice was soft, and Thasussia could hear the worry it contained. “I won’t come in. I just want to say something. I know we don’t know each other very well. I mean, I didn’t even know you were a goblin until recently.” She laughed nervously, then cleared her throat. After a brief pause, she continued. “Anyway I just wanted to say that if you need anything, I hope you know you can come to me.” After a few more seconds, Thasussia heard Lym sigh and walk away.
Thasussia felt like an idiot. They may have left her undisturbed all night, but these people cared about her. They wanted to be close and help her. There’s no way they would let her walk out the front door.
She decided she should leave by window instead.
Thasussia waited until no one was in sight from her window, then quietly climbed down from the second-story room. She pulled her hood as low as possible to conceal her face, then made her way through back alleys to the town gate.
In front of the gate, Pierre was talking to some of the volunteers about how to correctly patrol the border. Thasussia waited until the entire group had their backs turned, then snuck by them, making her way to the farms. There, she crept around each farmhouse, careful to avoid Mylgard in the fields. When Oathstone was just a speck on the horizon, Thasussia looked back on the town. She whispered a soft “goodbye” before turning her back.
Thasussia walked along the side of the road, hiding as much as possible from any passersby. On the long walk, she continued to replay those scenes in her mind from last night. They played in a vicious loop. Thasussia died, then came back. Claire got sick. Thasussia left her alone to find a cure. Claire went missing. Rica-el appeared. Thasussia left her to find Claire. Thasussia found Claire’s cold, lifeless body. Darkness. Then they repeated.
She decided the most frustrating thing was all the people who tried to take the blame from her. None of them had adopted Claire, in fact many had been opposed to the idea because of exposing Claire to danger. None of them had made the decision to abandon their child to find the cure. None of them had come back only to find that the cure was useless because they had failed to protect someone again.
This was her burden. Why would they try to take that from her? How could they think she would let them take it? The thought of them pitying her, wasting time worrying about her… It made her sick. She wasn’t worth it. They would never admit it to her, but they didn’t need her around. The only reason they kept her now was because they felt bad. Why else would they have accepted her, a goblin who had lied to them for months? No, they didn’t want her there.
They wouldn’t miss her. The least she could do was vanish so they didn’t have to pretend anymore.
When Thasussia finally reached her destination, the sun had long set. The breeze that had been blowing in her face during her journey was gone, and not even the bugs were making a sound near her. The silence was eerie, but one she had grown used to over the years.
Thasussia took a deep breath. It wasn’t particularly cold, but she could still feel the air stinging her lungs. The aroma of flowers filled her nose, reminding her of a life she used to know. When she closed her eyes, she saw Theresa smiling in a field of flowers, beckoning Thasussia to join her.
“I know. I’ve kept you waiting for too long. I’m coming.” Thasussia smiled, then opened her eyes, ready to face her fate.
“Syno Wren! I’m here to ask you to take back the gift you gave me.” Thasussia stood, waiting for something to happen. The circle of flowers in front of her was unmoving, but she knew it was the portal to the fae wyld. Surely if there was anywhere the fairy princess could hear her, it was here.
Seconds passed, then minutes. Thasussia’s smile slowly faded along with her composure. “I know you can hear me, Syno Wren. Where are you?” She ran forward to the edge of the circle. Why wasn’t Syno Wren responding? “Mynt? Zaltek? Someone answer me!”
The reinforcements she had made to the dam of her emotions began to shake.
She began to walk the perimeter of the circle while she awaited a response. This wasn’t how she thought it would go. They were supposed to answer her call, let her die again. Why weren’t they coming?
“What about you, ‘Oh mighty Erlking?’ I let your daughter die. Do you have nothing to say to me? Don’t you want to strike me down in vengeance?” The air remained still and quiet, and for the second night in a row Thasussia was truly alone.
New cracks appeared, bigger than the ones she had concealed.
After an hour of pacing, trying to call for their aid, and even trying to dance to enter the fae wyld and confront Erlking directly, Thasussia’s calm demeanor was nowhere to be found. “Where the hell are you? You’re supposed to be all powerful aren’t you? Then why can’t you grant me one request?” Thasussia fell to her knees. She tore the mask off her face and threw back her hood.
Water began to trickle through the cracks.
“You’re the ones who brought me back! I was ready to die. I knew the risks when I took that shot for Lym. I never asked to be given another chance!” Thasussia’s voice began to break. Tears stung her eyes, but she didn’t let them spill. She wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. Instead, she let her anger take over.
“You really are a pathetic group. You don’t care what happens to us at all, do you? Only your precious ‘balance’ matters. Not the life of a little girl that you should have been able to save, not the life of someone you brought back from the dead. Only someone trying to surpass you.” Thasussia stood and pulled out her sword.
As Thasussia tried desperately to block one leak, a larger one appeared. Each time she covered up a stream of water a geyser burst somewhere else.
“And you, Erlking! You knew the danger your daughter was in and said nothing! Don’t you care at all? You’re just as much at fault as I am!” Thasussia desperately tried to provoke anyone to grant her request. Maybe it was because she didn’t truly believe anyone except herself was to blame, but no one answered her cries.
“Evan could grant my wish. He’s still more powerful than any of you. Damn you all for dragging me back to this rotten world. Damn you for making me think I could hope for something good. And damn you for putting me with people who would make me think they cared about me.” Her thin veil of anger finally broke and tears poured down her face. “Most of all, damn you for showing me how weak I am.”
Finally, the dam crumbled and Thasussia’s emotions poured over her.
Thasussia wept for everything she had lost. Her family, her love, her daughters. She wept for the few truly good people she had met in her journey. She wept for all her failures. She screamed as she finally let the pain of all that loss sink in. She had thought she accepted it last night, but she had only looked for a way out. Now, it was washing over her with no reprieve.
She yelled for so long her throat began to hurt, but she kept yelling anyway. By the time she stopped, the sun was peeking over the horizon. Her throat was raw and she couldn’t produce any more tears.
Thasussia fell on her back and stared at the sky. It looked so bright, so happy. She thought about everyone at Oathstone starting their days without her. She wondered if they were happier this way. Then, slowly, she stood. She walked to the middle of the flowers, then fell weakly to her knees and held her sword tip to her stomach. “If you won’t fix this for me, I’ll do it myself. I should have done this years ago and died with the rest of my clan.”
She wasn’t angry anymore. She was hurting, sure, but more than anything she was tired. She was tired of pretending to be someone she wasn’t. Tired of not knowing when she would be found out and run out of town. Tired of not knowing who to trust. Tired of failing. Just tired. So tired…
Thasussia closed her eyes, then fell to the ground. Her sword fell by her side, and she slept.