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Chapter Text

He Xuan always vowed to never fall in love. It’s a vulnerability she can’t afford.

She’s seen the ways love can damage a person; break them down into something fragile and weak. Love is a hunger that cannot be sated.

She's aware this makes her seem cold and emotionless, and sometimes she thinks people might be right when they call her cruel names; names that fit themselves around her better than her own ever could. She’s a tundra, unburdened by excitement, or fear, or grief. It’s just easier that way. At least, that's what she tells herself.

It’s not that she doesn’t feel these things, of course. There’s a difference between feeling, and showing. Sometimes, He Xuan thinks she feels too much. Like there’s not enough room in her heart to keep it all inside. One day, it will surely break out and destroy her.

That’s why love… love frightens her. The leaky tap of her emotions might become a flood, and she won’t be able to save herself from drowning. Love is submerging, suffocating. It opens wounds. It closes doors. She’s scared to be hurt, or worse, do the hurting.

[Shi Qingxuan]
are u coming to the showcase tonight?
bc if not this is me asking you to (⺣◡⺣)♡

[He Xuan]
i’ll be there
it’s like
my job

[Shi Qingxuan]
[img]
[img]
[img]
which one??

He Xuan allows herself a moment to stare at the photos Shi Qingxuan has sent through. Different outfits for tonight’s showcase. She looks nice in all of them, but Qingxuan looks nice in everything. She has that effortless way of dressing that turns people's heads, even when it's sweats and jumpers to get coffee from down the street. He Xuan can't be envious of it, either. She's just impressed.

The second outfit Shi Qingxuan is wearing is particularly fetching. Sage green with sheer, puffy sleeves, the hemline wide around her knees.

[He Xuan]
second one
but not those shoes

[Shi Qingxuan]
what’s wrong with the shoes

[He Xuan]
last time u wore them you didn’t last 3 hours

[Shi Qingxuan]
that’s why I have you (*^ 3 ^)

Every outing He Xuan attends with Shi Qingxuan she tells her she's not going to carry her shoes when her feet get sore. And every outing, without fail, He Xuan ends up carrying her shoes. Sometimes, she doesn’t even register when it’s happened. She’s just holding them, and Shi Qingxuan is smiling at her, a few inches shorter than she was a moment ago.

You'd think He Xuan would have learned to be more firm with Shi Qingxuan, but something inexplicably makes her yield to her every whim. When Shi Qingxuan decided that they were going to be friends, He Xuan involuntarily decided she would do anything for Shi Qingxuan. Even carry her shoes.

He Xuan is running late by the time she’s done getting ready, winged eyeliner sharp, and gold earrings long enough to touch her shoulders when she turns her head. She is a firm believer in perfecting looks that ensure boys don’t talk to her. The showcase is a slightly more formal event, so she opts for a simple, strappy dress that shows off some of her tattoos. Something to complement Shi Qingxuan’s outfit, but also instil fear in a buyer when it’s required. 

[Hua Cheng]
ur coming tonight, yeah?

[He Xuan]
why does everyone keep asking me that

The Didi swerves slightly as it rounds a corner, and He Xuan lets the driver hear her displeasure. She told him to hurry it up, but not at the cost of her composure.

[Hua Cheng]
ur notoriously flakey and currently late as fuck
u were supposed to be here an hour ago

[He Xuan]
for the record
as ur agent
I really…
don’t care

[Hua Cheng]
god ur a bitch

[He Xuan]
cunt

He Xuan gets out of the Didi and rides the elevator to the top floor of the hotel where the showcase is being held. She doesn’t know why Hua Cheng worries so much. As if he needs her help selling his paintings. She’s a glorified auctioneer at best. At worst, she’s… a friend?

A disgusting notion, really, but she owes Hua Cheng a lot, so she’ll be his friend if that’s what he wants. Not that he would ever be honest about it, but between their insults and verbal punches, He Xuan has a feeling Hua Cheng ~tolerates her more than he lets on.

Inside the venue, the music is thumping just below speaking level, and people are mingling with champagne and finger food. He Xuan scans the floor, sees no one she wants to interact with, and makes for the bar. She orders herself a vodka martini and decides that, yes, this is the perfect place to spend the entirety of the evening.

“He-jie~”

Shi Qingxuan is warm when she presses up to He Xuan in a hug, her sheer sleeves brushing against her skin. She’s wearing the same perfume she always wears, not too flowery, not too sweet. Something by someone famous He Xuan doesn't care to read about, but would if Shi Qingxuan sent her an article. 

He Xuan downs her martini in one in an attempt to swallow that heady, suffocating feeling she gets when Shi Qingxuan gets close to her when she’s not expecting it. She likes it, don’t get her wrong. She likes it a lot. Too much, probably.

Shi Qingxuan plucks the olive from the empty glass as she sits down next to He Xuan, sticking her tongue out between her teeth cheekily. Her dress sways around the stool, legs crossed, her hair pooling perfectly curled around her shoulders.

He Xuan wonders why Shi Qingxuan hangs out with her. She’s famous in her own right, with a beauty channel and makeup line. She doesn’t need to mingle with agents or beneficiaries; she’s practically an heiress, and she has lots of other friends. Yet, He Xuan is always the first person she seeks when they attend the same functions, and rarely leaves her side. If it were anyone else, He Xuan would find it annoying, but her blizzard calms around Shi Qingxuan. She would never admit it, but she enjoys the attention.

Shi Qingxuan eats He Xuan’s olive. “Want to hear what Ling Wen told me in the bathroom?”

‘Powder Room Gossip,’ Shi Qingxuan calls it. The finest quality gossip there is.

Impassive, He Xuan pushes her glass over for a refill. Her foot nudges Shi Qingxuan’s leg gently as she moves.

“Sure.”

She doesn’t really care for gossip. She’s too often been on the wrong end of it, smeared with lipstick on fingertips in bathroom mirrors. It’s never bothered her, really, but she avoids listening if she can. But Shi Qingxuan loves gossip, so He Xuan listens.

“Well, Feng Xin – you know Feng Xin, right?”

He Xuan nods. Feng Xin is one of Xie Lian’s friends, so she knows him by extension, which is more than enough where someone like him is concerned.

Shi Qingxuan’s eyes sparkle, and He Xuan’s lips lift a little at her enthusiasm.

“He’s dating the competition.”

“Who’s the competition?” He Xuan takes her refill from the bartender, and Shi Qingxuan leans forward to swirl the olive around in the glass. He Xuan gets another breath of her perfume, with more strength in the jasmine this time.

Shi Qingxuan’s dress has a deep, attractive neckline, and a fine, silver necklace sits comfortably at her cleavage. It shines in the overhead lights, but He Xuan trains her gaze upwards, to Shi Qingxuan’s face.

She truly has an otherworldly quality about her. No matter where she is, or who she’s with, she fits in, and commands attention. She’s beautiful in a way only content creators are, but off camera as well as on. No tricks or photoshop. She’s vivid. She’s real.

Not that He Xuan has anything to say about girls who alter their appearance online, but it’s so startling to find out that Shi Qingxuan is exactly the way she presents herself to her audience; peppy, wild, gorgeous. She’s like a breath of fresh air.

Sometimes He Xuan wonders if it’s all an act, and Shi Qingxuan just doesn’t know how to turn it off. But He Xuan doesn’t think so. She reminds herself that not all people can’t get a grip on their emotions like her. Not everyone is afraid.

She still remembers when she and Shi Qingxuan first met. It had been at a showcase like this one. Hua Cheng hates to sell his art online, and his husband is good at getting people to attend his sales. One of those people had been Shi Qingxuan.

“I’ve seen your videos,” He Xuan had told her when Xie Lian introduced them. It was true. Shi Qingxuan's beauty channel is actually good, and He Xuan takes nearly all of her tips on board. Not that she would ever admit to doing so.

“Oh yeah? I was gonna say, your makeup is on point! Must have learned from the best, huh?”

It was the wink she gave He Xuan that got a smile out of her.

“Mm, that Warzone streamer, Mu Qing,” Shi Qingxuan says now, finally plucking the olive from the martini glass and eating it. He Xuan wants to stop her. She wants to eat the olive. It’s the main reason she even gets martinis. But she says nothing.

“He’s always stream-sniping Feng Xin’s games, or hosting his streams so that the raid can tell him he sucks. It’s actually pretty funny to watch them fight. They try to steal viewers from each other.”

“But they’re together?”

Shi Qingxuan shrugs, and her bracelets jingle as she readjusts their position around her slender wrist. She’s wearing her usual Tiffany & Co one; silver, with the heart tag. She never takes it off.

“Oh, because I wear my heart on my sleeve! Hahaha!”

“Apparently,” she says, and He Xuan tears her gaze away from the bracelets. “I believe Ling Wen, but she can certainly hold a grudge, so there’s no knowing what she’s getting out of telling me this.”

Shi Qingxuan finally orders her own drink; colourful, with sugar around the edges. Probably more calories in the mixers than the alcohol. She sips it, side-eyeing He Xuan.

“She told me something else.”

This can’t be good.

“Is it about me?”

“How did you know!”

“You’re not hiding it very well.”

“Tsk.” Shi Qingxuan lowers her glass seriously, and there’s a lipstick print around the rim where she’s licked off the sugar. “It wasn’t very polite.”

He Xuan remains impassive. She doesn’t care what people say about her. She’s heard it all by now, and deemed it irrelevant and petty. But if Shi Qingxuan seems wary to even say it, then it must be scandalous. 

He Xuan can’t wait to ignore it.

Shi Qingxuan sighs deeply, pouting. “She said the only reason you even have this job is because you’re sleeping with Hua Cheng.”

She finishes her drink quickly, as if she shouldn’t have spoken.

He Xuan has enough face to roll her eyes at this.

“Tell Ling Wen she needs to update her sources. Everyone knows by now that Hua Cheng is married.”

“So? It just makes it more damaging for the both of you. Wait, so you don’t deny it?!”

“Of course I deny it,” He Xuan says coolly.

She doesn’t deny she has this job thanks to Hua Cheng, but that wouldn’t be the case if it involved sleeping with him. She wouldn’t touch that shit with a ten-foot pole, never mind that they’re both gay. She’s not sure who would be more repulsed by the idea.

“Hm, well I trust you more than her. Ling-jie is such a snob.”

“Then why do you talk to her?”

“Because it’s funny to hear what she thinks about people and then go tell them.”

He Xuan snorts. “You’ll get yourself into trouble with her. She’s got more influence than you realise.”

“Ha, she doesn’t scare me!” Shi Qingxuan flicks her hair impishly. “What’s she going to do? Destroy my eyeshadow palettes in a TikTok video? She wouldn't know how to wear my colours anyway.”

She winks, and He Xuan blinks back, flustered. Shi Qingxuan’s spark always shocks her.

“He Xuan!”

Xie Lian comes hurrying over from across the room, looking a little dishevelled. But then, he always looks like that. He Xuan still hasn’t worked out if it’s a fashion choice or not. Just what Hua Cheng sees in him, she'll never know.

“Someone wants to buy,” he says.

“I’ll be here!” Shi Qingxuan says as He Xuan stands up, draining her glass.

He Xuan knows she won’t be. She’ll get snatched up by her other friends as soon as He Xuan is out of the way. He Xuan scares them a bit, and that doesn't concern her, but she often wishes she could keep Shi Qingxuan’s company to herself for longer than five minutes for a change.

Sure enough, when she looks back, someone has taken her place at the bar. Shi Qingxuan is smiling and laughing already. He Xuan bites down on the jealousy coiling in her stomach, wishing Shi Qingxuan would smile at her like that. But, then, He Xuan doesn’t give her anything to smile about.

Absently, He Xuan thinks she might be in love with Shi Qingxuan. Like. In Love, in love. The leaky tap turning on. The sink overflowing onto the bathroom tiles and getting her feet wet. She’s not sure what it’s meant to feel like, but perhaps it feels like this. Like drowning.

He Xuan argues for fifteen minutes with the potential buyer, whose offer for Hua Cheng’s painting is offensively low, even by Hua Cheng's less-than-reasonable standards. He eventually assents to a higher price and He Xuan slaps a sold sticker next to the painting with a little more heat than necessary.

Her tundra is melting.

Seeing that Shi Qingxuan is still occupied with other people, He Xuan goes to the buffet table and piles a plate with something from each available dish. She orders another martini, extra olives, and disappears to the bathroom to eat in peace.

There’s a strange duality of women’s bathrooms that He Xuan has never understood. Gossip is exchanged here, and lipstick colours. Drunk girls at clubs tell you how pretty you are, and then you never see them again. Old ladies at the department store comment on how short your skirt is over the roar of the hand dryers, as if you didn’t catch them glaring at you with contempt from the moment you entered. He Xuan is overly familiar with both these scenarios.

Bitches and best friends, all transmigrating in groups to a liminal space of compliments and backhands, with cigarette smoke pluming over the stalls like it is now. The gallery doesn’t have a balcony, so you gotta smoke somewhere.

[Shi Qingxuan]
where did u go? (◕︿◕✿)

[He Xuan]
bathroom
bring alcohol
with olives

[Shi Qingxuan]
come out here and get it
this function is so boring without you

He Xuan isn’t sure how she isn’t the one that’s boring, but she’s finished eating and her glass is once again empty, so she concedes, jumping down from the counter where she's parked herself for the past twenty or so minutes, dismissing the filthy looks other women have been giving her as they've come and gone from the bathroom.

On her way out, the door opens and Ling Wen walks in.

What, is this her office or something?

They make the briefest of eye contact before Ling Wen looks away. A little guiltily, if He Xuan is not mistaken, and she's smug to see it. She doesn’t move from the entrance, blocking the way in. Ling Wen side-steps awkwardly, which He Xuan quickly counters, refusing Ling Wen access to the bathroom.

“Are you going to move?” she asks coldly.

“Are you going to stop making filthy accusations about me?” He Xuan returns pointedly.

It’s not really in the ‘girl code’ to be direct about these sorts of things, but He Xuan is feeling particularly miffed about what she’s heard tonight.

She’s not sure why. Maybe it was the expression on Shi Qingxuan’s face when she brought up the rumour about He Xuan and Hua Cheng. The very idea that Shi Qingxuan would believe it has He Xuan seething. Something about pent up rage, swirling at the centre of her snowstorm.

She doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of her, least of all Ling Wen. She can spread all the rumours she likes. But He Xuan cares what Shi Qingxuan thinks, and won’t have her believing such unworthy lies. Or worse, thinking that He Xuan might actually be straight. That would almost definitely be worse.

“I’m only relaying what I’ve heard,” Ling Wen says placidly. “I didn’t make anything up.”

“The rumour about me and Hua Cheng isn’t true. You of all people should know better than to spread it around,” He Xuan says, targeting Ling Wen’s similar experience with the rumour mill. A low blow, certainly, but He Xuan isn't above reminding people that they have demons too. 

Ling Wen quirks an eyebrow in amusement, but says nothing. She scoffs, elbowing He Xuan in the ribs to get past her, the door to the bathroom bouncing against the counter. He Xuan childishly flicks her middle finger up at Ling Wen’s back before returning to the main hall.

Shi Qingxuan is at the bar again, two drinks in hand. She hurries over to He Xuan, her heels clicking against the floorboards. She hands over another vodka martini, extra olives. She takes one out and eats it, smiling a full, toothy smile. He Xuan’s temper dies down at once, and she smiles back.

“Come on, we haven’t even looked at Hua Cheng’s art! We’re terrible guests!”

“I’ve seen it all,” He Xuan protests, but Shi Qingxuan is already dragging her to the start of the exhibition. He Xuan leans into the contact slightly, savouring the warmth of Shi Qingxuan’s arm against hers.

Shi Qingxuan is soft. Soft like only girls can be, with lace and curls and honey creams. Her perfume has changed slightly with the heat of her body, as it always does. He Xuan wants to spray it on her own wrists and dab it on the place just over her heart.

“We’re going dancing later. I’ve got a door pass for Cascading Wine.” 

“I thought that place was members only,” He Xuan comments.

“Ge just bought it out, so that makes it mine by proxy.” Shi Qingxuan grins, and her laughter is like a piano being played in another room.

He Xuan is usually busy with Hua Cheng’s sales after a showcase, but she supposes she can make an exception. Both her and Shi Qingxuan are so busy they rarely get the chance to see each other anymore. Their brunch dates and movie nights are a thing of the past. He Xuan is sorry for it, too. She wishes they spent more time together. But she doesn't know how to say so without feeling like she's being thrown off a cliff into the sea.

As such, He Xuan spends the entire trip to the club on the phone dealing with clients, getting the work out of the way so that she might have time to go dancing with everyone else. Even Hua Cheng and Xie Lian are going, intrigued to get inside the infamous Cascading Wine nightclub. In the elevator on the way down from the showcase, Shi Qingxuan hangs onto He Xuan, gazing up at her. She's perhaps a little tipsy, and already complaining about her feet.

“Jiejie… can’t you deal with them tomorrow?” she whines.

She slumps against He Xuan, her perfume rubbing off on He Xuan’s chest. He Xuan wraps her arms around Shi Qingxuan to steady her as the elevator stops on one of the middle floors of the hotel and continues to text, desperately trying to keep a straight face. Even Shi Qingxuan’s hair smells nice, tickling He Xuan's wrists.

“You’ll dance with me when you’re done working, right?” Shi Qingxuan says, batting her long eyelashes at He Xuan. “He-jie~ Pay attention to me…”

He Xuan presses send on an email and finally looks at Shi Qingxuan, but can’t bring herself to look for long. Her heart thumps loudly between them, ricocheting between her ribs.

“I will. But no more drinks, okay?” she says.

Shi Qingxuan straightens up at once, still encircled in He Xuan's arms, the action bringing her closer to He Xuan than when she was practically hanging off her. She pouts petulantly, her chest heaving.

“I’m fine, thank you very much. I could drink you under the table.”

He Xuan smirks. “I doubt that very much.”

“Ah, He-jie is so tall and heavy weight. I couldn’t possibly compete!”

Shi Qingxuan feigns fainting, and He Xuan catches her in the crook of her elbow.

“I just don’t want to take care of your hangover tomorrow,” He Xuan says.

Shi Qingxuan glances over, lowering her hand from her forehead. She tilts her head to the side, as if confused by the statement.

“You’d take care of me?” she says quietly.

He Xuan schools her expression at once, though her heart hammers even harder.

The elevator opens behind them for the ground floor, coming to her rescue.

“Let’s go,” she says, before Shi Qingxuan can figure anything out for herself.

They get into a waiting Didi outside and He Xuan dives for the front seat while Shi Qingxuan, Hua Cheng, and Xie Lian take the back seat, with Xie Lian in the middle because, despite Hua Cheng’s tolerance of Shi Qingxuan, he won't be caught dead sitting next to her. But that's nothing to do with Shi Qingxuan herself. Hua Cheng is just weird like that. Weird in a way He Xuan deeply understands.

The back of He Xuan's neck burns. Is it attraction she’s feeling, or fear? She often can’t differentiate the two. They are both anxiety-inducing and terrifying. Shi Qingxuan is certainly a vulnerability He Xuan was not prepared to deal with in this lifetime, and tonight is turning into a fierce reminder of that.

She’s had flings before, of course. She’s no stranger to casual dating. But love like Shi Qingxuan’s… it will surely submerge her. Shi Qingxuan wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, but He Xuan is more concerned with not being able to give Shi Qingxuan what she deserves. Which is everything. 

The club is well into its peak by the time they arrive, but it's not nearly as spectacular as He Xuan was expecting. It looks like any other nightclub, with sticky floors and drunk thirty-somethings with too much money trying to relive their early twenties.

He Xuan is immediately plied with a shot at the main bar, and Shi Qingxuan loops their arms holding the drinks together, lime wedges at the ready. When she takes the shot, she doesn’t break eye contact with He Xuan. Then, she stuffs the lime wedge into her mouth and smiles with it hiding her teeth. The alcohol goes straight to He Xuan’s head and she actually laughs. Shi Qingxuan seems satisfied with that, and then pulls He Xuan onto the floor to dance.

It’s heady, the strobe lights glaring, the music drumming under their heels. Shi Qingxuan’s hair gets caught in her necklace as she dances, her arms over He Xuan’s shoulders. Her body is hot and electric in the smoke machines, all of He Xuan’s pulse points registering her every movement. She twirls, and He Xuan can hear Shi Qingxuan’s laughter over the bass, finely tuned to play her heart. She puts her phone in her pocket and lets herself get lost, the rush of the evening thrumming through her veins.

The night blurs around them, somewhere between a lucid dream and television static, until He Xuan finds herself leaning against the bar of a private, soundproofed room, watching through a window at Shi Qingxuan dancing with someone else.

She knows how she got here. 

'I’m tired. I’ll be back.'

Someone has already taken her place. Yushi Huang, by the looks of it. Another person He Xuan knows, but doesn’t really talk to. She knows all these people, but Shi Qingxuan is the only one who actually talks to her. She can't understand why. What does Shi Qingxuan see in her?

Vaguely, He Xuan realises the person next to her is speaking. She blinks, tearing her gaze away from Shi Qingxuan, looking at him with what can only be described as a revolted expression.

“What?”

“I asked if I can buy you a drink?”

He Xuan snorts unattractively. She supposes she looks too nice for a club to be considered off-putting. That, or too much alcohol has given this guy way more confidence than he would normally feel. Either way, it’s fucking hilarious.

“No, thanks.”

“Not even one? It might make all the difference,” he says. He sounds genuinely sweet. It makes her feel sick.

“What, are you going to drug me with it? Fuck off, dude.”

“Hey, I’m just trying to be nice. Didn’t realise you were such a bitch.”

He Xuan is pretty sure she’s taller than him, even without her heels. She’s tempted to take him on. It’ll get her kicked out, but at least she’ll have an excuse to stop staring at Shi Qingxuan dancing with someone that isn’t her.

She’s tired, though. She doesn’t have it in her to pay him any more mind. Some random dickhead isn’t worth her time, so He Xuan turns back to watch Shi Qingxuan. But the crowd has swallowed her, and He Xuan can’t see her anymore.

The guy still hasn't left.

“If you’re done, you can get lost,” He Xuan says with a sigh.

“Mm, don’t think I will. You seem like a fun challenge. Go on. One drink.”

Have mercy. If she wasn’t gay before, she definitely is now.

If she wasn’t a murderer before, she will be soon.

“Hey, do you mind?”

Ah, Hua Cheng to the rescue. How typical. He Xuan is tempted to be grateful, but every little thing Hua Cheng does for her just feels like interest on her debt to him. He’s got his infamously dark expression set in place, arms folded. He's an intimidating figure, to be sure. Tall and glowering and has probably (definitely, but He Xuan is sworn to secrecy) killed someone, but the stranger is way too out of it to comprehend this. 

“Who are you?”

Hua Cheng scoffs. “Who are you? Fucking trash, go puke in the bathroom before you embarrass yourself.”

“Alright. Chill.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” He Xuan says sourly as the random guy leaves.

“You’re welcome,” Hua Cheng counters.

She turns around to face the bar, crackling her nails against the stem of her martini. She hasn’t touched it. The olive bobs when she accidentally moves the glass.

Hua Cheng does the same, ordering a drink for himself.

“Something’s going down on Twitter,” he says.

“What now?”

“We’re fucking, apparently.”

He Xuan rolls her eyes so far into the back of her head she can see the strobe lights behind her.

“It’s not professional,” Hua Cheng says.

“What do you want me to do about it? I didn’t start these rumours.”

“Someone did.”

“Are you blaming me?”

“No.” Hua Cheng frowns over his drink. “I don’t know what to do about it either.”

“Does it really matter that much?” He Xuan muses.

“Don’t you care about your reputation?”

“Don’t you care about yours?”

“I can always find a new agent,” Hua Cheng says simply. It’s not a threat, but it’s the truth. “But you might not find a new artist.”

He Xuan sighs, picks up her drink, and drains it. She doesn’t eat the olive.

The glass doors open, the loud music creeping in briefly as someone enters the bar room. Xie Lian appears at Hua Cheng’s side, a little out of breath. 

“I’m exhausted. Can we go home?”

Hua Cheng nods to the bartender and pays his tab.

“Is Shi Qingxuan staying?” he asks.

“She left already.”

He Xuan snaps back around to look at the dancefloor.

“She left?” she mutters. She almost doesn’t realise she’s spoken out loud.

“With Yushi-jie, yeah,” says Xie Lian. “Just now.”

He Xuan pulls out her phone, but there are no messages from Shi Qingxuan. Only client emails and missed calls, screaming at her lack of response. Her heart skips a beat pathetically, like it’s trying to fill up the space that Shi Qingxuan left behind.

“You coming?”

He Xuan glances to the door where Hua Cheng and Xie Lian are waiting. She dithers for a moment, but goes with them, her hands feeling strangely empty. Like she’s forgotten to take something with her.

It’s not until she reaches her downtown apartment when she realises she didn’t get to carry Shi Qingxuan’s shoes at the end of the night. 

Chapter Text

With some millions of followers at her disposal, the rumours about He Xuan and Hua Cheng circulate quickly thanks to Ling Wen. He Xuan has to hand it to her; she certainly knows how to deliver to her audience, who believe every word of rubbish she says.

For the first time, He Xuan finds the rumours aggravating. She works hard - despite Hua Cheng’s constant griping that she’s lazy - and it’s a discredit to them both for people to say that she only has this job because they’re sleeping together.

Frankly, it’s insulting.

It’s frustrating, as well. How much more gay does she need to dress for people to Get The Picture? But, she supposes her sexuality doesn't matter as long as social media accounts have something to gossip about.

He Xuan attempts to smooth over the scandal, for Hua Cheng's sake, if not for her own, but it proves fruitless. She's bombarded with hate and backlash, and her follower numbers start to dwindle. Not that she had many to begin with. Not that she cares.

She decides to leave it be. Picking fights will only make things worse, so He Xuan mutes her social media accounts and focuses on work, which has doubled in the past week thanks to the publicity, Hua Cheng’s reputation unbesmirched. 

He Xuan has to admit it annoys her. It’s so very typical for her, the woman, to be targeted, even though Hua Cheng is the one who’s married.

“You’re the slut, not me,” she snaps, tapping her foot impatiently. “Why don’t people hate you?”

From the sofa, Hua Cheng blinks up from his phone, bemused. He points at himself with fake innocence.

“Am I slut?” 

He sounds so insincere.

He Xuan gives him a meaningful look. If his outfit (or lack thereof) doesn’t back this up, then Xie Lian on his lap wearing only a red hoodie (definitely Hua Cheng’s) while they have their morning coffee (they didn't get any for He Xuan) certainly drives the concept home.

They’re shameless, yet He Xuan is the one taking all the heat. Sometimes she wonders if the debt she owes Hua Cheng is really worth all this bullshit. 

But then, she’s supposed to not even care.

She’s trying so hard not to care.

But she hasn’t spoken to Shi Qingxuan in ages. A few Snapchats here and there, but otherwise it’s been radio silence, and He Xuan is starting to worry that she might believe the rumours after all. Maybe she thinks less of He Xuan because of them.

He Xuan doesn’t think Shi Qingxuan is the kind of person to judge people like that, whether it’s true or not, but her lack of communication seems to say differently.

He Xuan misses her.

A lot.

“Give it time,” Hua Cheng says, scrolling idly once again. “People will get over it.”

“Aren’t you angry?” He Xuan insists.

Is no one else angry about this?

“Ling Wen will find someone new to pick on eventually,” Xie Lian pipes up. “Rumours like this are common.”

“I don’t even know how it started,” He Xuan says, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Me neither, actually. It’s not like we go out in public together,” Hua Cheng agrees, finally invested in the conversation.

Xie Lian stares at He Xuan, and then turns to stare at Hua Cheng.

“Is it not obvious?” he says.

“No,” He Xuan and Hua Cheng sing.

“It’s because you fight like a Real Straight Married Couple,” Xie Lian explains with a laugh. “People thought you were dating for quite a while, so it makes sense they would believe something like this.”

He Xuan and Hua Cheng exchange eye contact, and then promptly exchange repulsed expressions. Hua Cheng actually does gag-me-with-a-spoon, which He Xuan thinks is a fairly accurate summary of her own feelings towards the situation. She never would have thought their constant bickering would translate to the public as 'married.'

“But what about you?” she says to Xie Lian. “You're the one who's actually married to him, for whatever reason."

Xie Lian shrugs. “People see what they want to see.”

He Xuan sighs, wishing she had stuck it out in her old retail job. Snobby customers are much easier to deal with than this nonsense.

“Whatever. I have to go. Get some work done today, yeah?” she says to Hua Cheng. And he calls her lazy.

On the way back to her apartment, He Xuan’s phone lights up with a message. It’s from Shi Qingxuan.

[Shi Qingxuan]
are you free tomorrow?
I need a guinea pig for my new makeup palette (*´ω｀*)

He Xuan stares at the message. Shi Qingxuan hasn’t spoken to her in over a week, and now she wants He Xuan over to do a makeup video? What’s the deal?

[He Xuan]
u really want me on ur channel?

[Shi Qingxuan]
ur face is perfect for this palette
it’s kinda inspired by you
so why not?

Because everyone hates me now, that’s why not.

[He Xuan]
what time?

[Shi Qingxuan]
around 5? I’m hosting a party afterwards so u can stay for that!!!

He Xuan hasn’t been to Shi Qingxuan’s apartment in… she doesn’t even know how long. They used to hang out all the time; manicures and face masks and ice cream at 2am. All that girly shit that Shi Qingxuan loves and that He Xuan... also secretly loves. She can’t believe she used to complain about it. She’d do anything to spend more time together now.

It’s amazing inside the apartment. Little plants and soft plushies, the light streaming in from the wide, open balcony. Shi Qingxuan is dressed in a neat denim skirt and a strappy tank top, exposing the small flower tattoo on her left shoulder. She looks so pretty, her hair half up and wavy, and her makeup subtle, but immaculate. She dives for a hug when He Xuan enters. He Xuan could die right there, holding Shi Qingxuan close.

She wordlessly hands over the tea she’s brought with her, and Shi Qingxuan's smile is like a dream, all for her.

She gives He Xuan a once-over, chewing the straw of her tea thoughtfully.

“He-jie, you honestly look amazing without makeup. You have to tell me your skincare routine!”

“I just moisturise,” He Xuan tells her.

Shi Qingxuan doesn’t look convinced, and her lips curl into a pout.

“You’re my best friend. You should share your secrets with me.”

My best friend.

No one’s ever called He Xuan that before. It makes her heart feel strange, twisted and suffocated. But... in a good way? Is there a good way to drown?

She’s dragged into Shi Qingxuan’s bedroom. Fluffy pink pillows are centred on the bed, ready to be caught on camera. The chairs in front of the ring light makes He Xuan nervous. No one’s watching her right now, but the idea of being filmed this way makes her feel Exposed.

“Are you sure about this? People might talk,” she says, sitting down.

Shi Qingxuan fixes her with a stern look.

“Let them. As long as this shines you in a better light, they can say whatever they want about me.”

He Xuan isn’t sure she deserves that kind of sacrifice.

Shi Qingxuan switches her camera on and sits down in the chair next to He Xuan to do her usual video intro. He Xuan forces herself not to stare so that she doesn’t come across as creepy, but Shi Qingxuan is so cute that He Xuan can’t help but smile when she talks, excited to share her newest makeup collection with her fans. 

“He-jie has amazing bone structure, which is what inspired this palette. The colours are perfectly suited to people with her skin tone,” she jabbers during the application, dusting He Xuan’s cheekbones with a yellow-toned highlighter.

“Anyone else with this skin tone is probably dead,” He Xuan says.

Shi Qingxuan frowns. “Are you trying to say that only dead people will wanna wear my new palette? He-jie, you’re actually so mean. You can’t even see how pretty you look right now. I’ve done such a good job.”

She pouts again. He Xuan closes her eyes so she can’t see. So she can’t be tempted, even though everything about Shi Qingxuan tempts her. The promise to never fall in love crumbles at the warmth of her breath against He Xuan’s cheeks when she leans in with another brush.

When Shi Qingxuan is done, even He Xuan has to admit she looks good. The eyeliner is sharp and defined, her cheekbones prominent and glistening. Shi Qingxuan has an incredible talent in applying makeup to look natural, but powerful. He Xuan doesn’t want to take it off. Ever.

“People should be arriving soon. I'm going to go set up drinks, okay?”

He Xuan takes one last look at herself in the vanity mirror and, as she does so, catches a glimpse of Shi Qingxuan leaving the room. She’s even beautiful from behind, her hair bouncing along the middle of her back.

Sitting at the vanity, He Xuan gazes over Shi Qingxuan’s cosmetics littering its surface, messy and careless despite the quality of the brands. Lancome, Shiseido, Chanel. She buys the good stuff. He Xuan trails her fingers over the tubes and bottles, lingering on the little pieces of Shi Qingxuan.

There's a small collection of perfume bottles on the corner of the vanity; sample sizes of expensive labels. He Xuan picks up the one large bottle among them, which is nearly empty. She pulls off the lid to smell it and, just as she thought, it’s the perfume Shi Qingxuan usually wears. She’s wearing it right now. He Xuan could smell it the entire time they were recording. 

He Xuan sprays a little bit in the crook of her elbow. 

Shi Qingxuan is popular, so of course her parties are popular as well. There's someone to pour drinks and a bouncer at the door. Music thumps through the floor down to the unfortunate neighbours, and He Xuan can barely move between the bodies crammed inside the apartment, which is by no means small, but Shi Qingxuan has a lot of friends.

You’re my best friend.

He Xuan knows Shi Qingxuan didn’t mean for it to sound the way it did, but He Xuan can’t help but think… out of everyone Shi Qingxuan could say such a thing to, she had said it about He Xuan. Had said it to He Xuan, and meant it.

He Xuan isn’t sure how to take it. No one has ever said that to her before, and she wants to know what Shi Qingxuan really means by it. But she's afraid to ask; afraid to make herself vulnerable. No one really knows her like Shi Qingxuan knows her but, even then, Shi Qingxuan only knows the parts that He Xuan is willing to show her.

But, sometimes, she wants to show Shi Qingxuan every side of her. Even the parts that are ugly and crass and angry. He Xuan wonders if Shi Qingxuan would still be her friend, even then. 

The party is hazy, but the cool summer air on the balcony provides no relief. He Xuan leans on the railing, the can of… whatever alcohol she has in her hand threatening to slip from her fingers and plummet to some poor passer-by on the street below.

Next to her, someone is smoking, so He Xuan bums a cigarette off him. As he hands her a lighter, she realises she knows him.

Yin Yu has a peculiar way about him. He slips under the radar at social gatherings, but he’s always there. He Xuan has spotted him in social media photos after functions and events. She thinks he works for Hua Cheng, but never asked what exactly it is he does. She’s not sure she wants to know, honestly.

“You’ve got a lot of face to show up here,” he says idly. From anyone else, it would sound rude, but Yin Yu couldn’t be rude if he tried.

“Shi Qingxuan invited me,” He Xuan says simply.

“That news about you and Hua Cheng is still a hot topic, you know.”

He Xuan shrugs, flicking her cigarette. She’s so tired of hearing about it. She’s tired of pretending like she doesn’t care, knowing she wouldn’t have to pretend if she could just figure out what Shi Qingxuan really thought about the whole thing.

“Why are you here?” she asks instead.

“Confidential reasons,” Yin Yu says.

He Xuan snorts, hearing it for the lie that it is. As if on cue, she hears someone calling Yin Yu’s name, and a mass of curly hair blocks her view of him.

“Yuyu~! You left me.”

“Tsk. I’ve been gone for two minutes. Can’t I have a smoke?”

“It’s bad for your health! Come play beer pong!”

“Beer is bad for my health.”

Yin Yu gets tugged on the arm incessantly by Quan Yizhen. He Xuan watches them with a touch of amusement, feeling oddly nostalgic as Yin Yu is hauled away with a disgruntled expression. Much to He Xuan’s relief and surprise, his spot is immediately taken by Shi Qingxuan.

She leans over and steals the cigarette from He Xuan, taking a drag.

“This party sucks,” she says.

“Don’t all parties suck?” He Xuan counters.

Shi Qingxuan glances at her, and He Xuan has to look away. The eye contact is too much.

“I’ve barely seen you tonight,” Shi Qingxuan continues. “Is jiejie avoiding me?”

He Xuan looks back at Shi Qingxuan, but can’t read her expression. Puzzled? Upset, maybe? He Xuan only wants her to smile.

“I could never avoid you,” she says.

Shi Qingxuan’s expression doesn’t change, thinking He Xuan is telling her she’s annoying.

He Xuan knows she sounds like an asshole when she tries to convey her feelings. She’ll say the words, but the meaning gets lost, as if her body is fighting with her heart, begging her not to reveal its truth.

Shi Qingxuan takes another drag and sighs out the puff of smoke. It swirls over the cityscape beyond the balcony, the neon lights and skyscrapers glittering in the distance. He Xuan wants to reach out and take Shi Qingxuan’s hand and tell her she’s sorry.

What He Xuan is sorry for, she doesn’t even know. It just feels like something she ought to say.

However, before she can expand on this thought, Shi Qingxuan stubs out the cigarette and finds He Xuan’s hand first. Her fingers are gentle and soft, threading between He Xuan’s.

“Your lipstick smudged off. Come on, we’ll go fix it.”

Shi Qingxuan leads He Xuan through the tumult of people. Many of them try to get a word to her as she passes, but she ignores them, set on taking He Xuan back to her room. He Xuan can smell Shi Qingxuan’s perfume trailing behind her. Or is she just smelling it on herself? She doesn't know. Either way, it's deliciously suffocating.

It’s intimate, with just the two of them, the door to Shi Qingxuan’s room cutting off the music. She switches on her nightstand lamp, the yellow light illuminating the room. She goes to the vanity, rummaging through the drawers for the lipstick He Xuan is wearing.

He Xuan really doesn’t think it’s necessary. It’s just going to come right off again anyway. But that would mean leaving Shi Qingxuan’s room, and losing her attention. She’s been occupied by her countless friends for most of the evening. He Xuan’s been avoiding them, not her.

So many friends, yet Shi Qingxuan sought He Xuan out again, like she always does.

She finds the lipstick and brings it over. He Xuan is wearing Docs so, for once, they’re almost the same height. Shi Qingxuan presses the lipstick to He Xuan’s lips, concentrating to make the smear perfect. He Xuan holds her breath, afraid to move even slightly as Shi Qingxuan applies the lipstick. She’s so beautiful when she concentrates, tongue between her teeth and her eyes half-lidded. He Xuan’s heart flutters under Shi Qingxuan’s single-minded gaze.

She wonders if Shi Qingxuan can feel it. The thread of tension is pulled tight, but perhaps only He Xuan is aware of it. Perhaps she’s the only one pulling it, daring it snap. There’s a change in the tide, and it’s threatening to wet her feet where she’s walking on the shore of Shi Qingxuan's coast. 

He Xuan wants it. Selfishly and unapologetically, she wants Shi Qingxuan. Wants her like only love can want someone, the waves hugging the shoreline, never quite touching all the sand, but desperately trying to. He Xuan wants all of it.

But how can she even begin to confess such feelings to Shi Qingxuan, when she can hardly confess them to herself? When she can barely breathe under the weight of all that water. She could open her mouth and say ‘I love you,’ but then she’d swallow the sea and drown.

“He-jie.”

He Xuan blinks, finally exhaling, disturbing a curl of hair by Shi Qingxuan’s ear.

“You’ll stay the night, won’t you? We can have a sleepover like we used to. You remember our sleepovers, right?”

“I try not to.”

What He Xuan means is; if she remembers, she misses it. Evenings on the sofa with tea and B-movies and feeling Shi Qingxuan’s legs seek the warmth of her own beneath the blanket. Shi Qingxuan’s sleepy murmurs on the pillows late at night, talking about all the wonders of the universe.

She misses it all, but the words get confused. He Xuan could kick herself, but what good will it do? What’s the point in being honest when honesty won’t be enough? When nothing she could possibly hope to offer Shi Qingxuan could ever be enough.

Shi Qingxuan sticks out her bottom lip. “So cold, He-jie~ I know you liked it when I would paint your nails. Look, you’re even wearing the colour I gave you!”

Shi Qingxuan takes He Xuan’s hand again, thumbing over the dark green nail varnish. She looks up, and their eyes meet.

“I know you probably don’t want to talk about it,” she says quietly. “But I really hate what they’re saying about you. You don’t deserve that shit.”

He Xuan remains silent, any other words she might say getting stuck in her throat. Shi Qingxuan continues. 

“I thought I’d give you some space to try and deal with it on your own, because I know you don’t like to accept help from others but, I’d like to help you, jiejie. It’s not fair, the way they’re treating you.”

Shi Qingxuan huffs, capping the lid of the lipstick with an air of finality, the tension snapping. He Xuan's heart feels like a tidal wave in her chest.

“We should think of a way to get back at her.”

“Who?” He Xuan doesn’t hear herself speak, but feels her mouth move to say the word.

“Ling Wen.”

“She didn’t start the rumour.”

Shi Qingxuan taps the lipstick on her chin, like she’s trying to solve a thrilling mystery.

“We should find out who did,” she says, pointing triumphantly, her eyes sparkling. “And destroy them!”

He Xuan’s not gonna lie, that’s a little hot. But she could never ask Shi Qingxuan to put herself out like that.

“Please don’t worry about it,” she mutters. “It will die down eventually.”

Shi Qingxuan frowns. “But don’t you care? They’re tarnishing your hard-earned reputation.”

I only care about what you think, He Xuan wants to say.

“No.” Is all she does say.

Shi Qingxuan tsks, and He Xuan knows she doesn’t believe her.

She’s almost glad. She likes the way Shi Qingxuan can see her truth; see some secret parts of her, even when He Xuan is trying so hard to hide.

The party mellows as the hours creep into morning. He Xuan is tired, but she assents when Shi Qingxuan coaxes her to dance some more, her heels knocking against the soles of He Xuan’s boots. Their bodies are close, curving into each other. Shi Qingxuan bends in, arms looped over He Xuan’s shoulders as she laughs, breathy and sweet into He Xuan’s hair. She’s getting tired too, her steps loose and miscalculated. It’s late. Or early. Most people have left, and the music is dialled low.

He Xuan supports Shi Qingxuan as they dance, slow near the balcony where the sun is starting to rise, the sky smeared with pinks and purples. It signals the last of the guests to leave, stumbling out the door without saying goodbye. It’s just He Xuan and Shi Qingxuan now.

“Does this count as staying the night?” Shi Qingxuan murmurs into He Xuan’s shoulder as another slow song plays.

He Xuan twists a lock of Shi Qingxuan’s hair around her finger lightly enough that Shi Qingxuan doesn’t feel it. A secret touch.

“Are you asking me to leave?”

“No.” Shi Qingxuan lifts her head, and they stop moving. “Please don’t go.”

They’re standing so close. He Xuan only needs to lean in a little bit and their lips could meet. Shi Qingxuan glows in the egg-yolk sunrise, her eyes like gold. She stares at He Xuan like she knows something. What does she know? That He Xuan loves her? That she's nothing but a dry riverbed, waiting for Shi Qingxuan's rain?

Shi Qingxuan’s lipstick is slightly smudged. Without thinking, He Xuan reaches up and wipes at it with her thumb, the pink colour coming away on her skin. Shi Qingxuan’s eyes widen in surprise, but she says nothing. 

A sway. Shi Qingxuan shifts with whatever pendulum of thought that’s swung to her mind. He Xuan wants so desperately to bridge the leftover space between them, but it doesn’t feel right. It has to be Shi Qingxuan’s choice.

But He Xuan knows Shi Qingxuan will never choose her. Why would she? What could He Xuan possibly offer her? She likes things that are soft and kind and beautiful.

He Xuan isn’t any of those things.

“He-jie, I –“

BANG.

The front door opens and the two girls jump apart as someone enters the apartment, the door ricocheting from their stagger.

“Aiya, meimei, did you have another party? Look at this mess.”

Shi Wudu looks exhausted, but it’s clear he’s come from a party of his own. Most likely at his new club, which has kicked off remarkably ever since the buyout. When he sees He Xuan, his expression sours, and he opts out of acknowledging that she’s there, which is fine.

He Xuan feels cold now without the warmth of Shi Qingxuan’s body in front of her. She watches as she hurries over and closes the door, shoving her brother, looking miffed. They argue quietly, so He Xuan steps around the sofa and disappears into Shi Qingxuan’s bedroom.

It was the perfect opportunity to leave, but He Xuan doesn’t want to. She wants to wrap herself up in Shi Qingxuan’s space and stay there forever, wishing they could be something more than what they are.

What are they? Best friends? He Xuan has never had a best friend before. Is this what it’s like? Are you supposed to fall in love with your best friend?

She groans and slumps back on Shi Qingxuan’s bed, picking up one of those fluffy pink pillows and hugging it to her chest.

Shi Qingxuan opens the door to her room a few minutes later and He Xuan sits up, still hugging the pillow. Shi Qingxuan looks at her for a moment, but she doesn’t elaborate on whatever it was she was going to say earlier. He Xuan wants to know, but doesn’t ask. Shi Qingxuan goes to her vanity to take off her makeup and jewellery.

“You don’t have to stay,” she says quietly, keeping her gaze on her reflection.

He Xuan hugs the pillow tighter.

“Should I leave?” she asks again.

Shi Qingxuan pauses in the removal of one of her fake eyelashes.

Their eyes meet through the mirror, and He Xuan feels the back of her neck burn, so she looks away. Shi Qingxuan seems conflicted, but doesn’t answer, so He Xuan stands and returns the pillow to its place on the bed. 

“Ah, wait.” Shi Qingxuan turns around and takes He Xuan’s wrist to stop her. “Stay. I want you to stay.”

He Xuan swallows, glancing back. Shi Qingxuan’s expression is hard to read. She seems uncertain, but when He Xuan nods, she smiles.

They clean off their makeup and He Xuan leaves her gold earrings next to Shi Qingxuan’s silver necklace on the vanity. Shi Qingxuan lends her silk pyjamas and they climb into the bed. Shi Qingxuan grabs the pillow He Xuan had been holding before and cuddles it, blinking up at her, buried up to her chin in the blankets. He Xuan wants to reach out and smooth back her hair, but fights it, not wanting to make Shi Qingxuan uncomfortable. He Xuan isn’t usually the one to extend intimate gestures. She’s never wanted to, until now.

“Do you want to go out for brunch later?” Shi Qingxuan whispers.

”Brunch is the most important meal of the day! You wanna know why?” She had lowered her voice, her eyes glittering mischievously. “Because you can have alcohol with your waffles!”

“Alright,” He Xuan says. “You aren’t too busy for that sort of thing?”

Shi Qingxuan’s brows furrow carefully. “We don’t spend much time together anymore, huh?”

Then, she perks up, giggling faintly. “Does He-jie miss our brunch dates?”

He Xuan blushes, lowering her gaze to Shi Qingxuan’s bracelet, pressed into the faux fur of the pillow she’s hugging. She wishes she could wear her heart on her sleeve like Shi Qingxuan does. Perhaps everything would be easier. If not easier, surely it would be simpler.

“I miss the food,” she says.

Shi Qingxuan pouts adorably. “I bet you miss me paying for it as well. That’s fine. As long as we can hang out, I don’t mind. I’ll buy jiejie whatever she wants.”

She beams, squishing the pillow in her arms.

He Xuan tempts a smile, which pleases Shi Qingxuan. He Xuan wishes she could give her something more than just a fragment of her feelings, but she still finds it hard. She’s still scared to open that door, and let someone in.

Shi Qingxuan doesn’t manage to say anymore before falling asleep. He Xuan watches her for a few minutes, her steady breathing disturbing the tiny hairs of the pillow, but she soon passes out as well, the long night finally catching up with her.

Chapter Text

When He Xuan wakes up, it’s past midday. Past brunch time, but Shi Qingxuan didn’t wake her. The bed is empty, the pink pillow lying where Shi Qingxuan had slept. He Xuan stretches, her mouth dry and her head throbbing dully. The cracks of sunlight through the blinds are too bright.

She gets up, shuffling out of the room to the kitchen. The apartment has been cleaned already, no doubt by the poor maid the Shi’s pay to take care of the place. 

He Xuan says poor, but the woman probably gets paid more than she does.

As He Xuan wanders into the kitchen, the front door down the hall opens and Shi Qingxuan comes bustling in, her arms laden with bags and a tray of coffees. She’s dressed and seems perky, her hair piled into two buns on top of her head. She squeals excitedly when she sees that He Xuan is awake, kicking off her slides and closing the door with her foot.

“I thought I’d let you sleep and bring the brunch to us,” she says, skipping over and dropping all the food onto the table. “Though, I guess it’s just lunch now. There’s an extra shot in your coffee, just how you like it.”

He Xuan accepts the cup and, in her dazed, half-asleep state, leans over and kisses Shi Qingxuan on the cheek.

When she realises what she’s done, He Xuan freezes, her heart stilling. But Shi Qingxuan just grins at her, not taking it too seriously.

“Aw, He-jie~” She laughs, sipping at her own coffee. She evidently doesn’t think the kiss too forward or out of character, so He Xuan relaxes a little, dropping into a chair at the dining table. Her heart is beating very fast now, and she is Very Awake.

“I was thinking about that nasty rumour while I was out,” Shi Qingxuan continues, sitting down and opening the bags of food. “And I think I know who started it.”

He Xuan already has her mouth full, but she focuses on Shi Qingxuan to show she’s listening.

“I won’t say anything just yet, but will you let me do some digging on your behalf? If I’m right, then I’d like to clear your name.” Shi Qingxuan looks at He Xuan through her lashes. “But only if I have your permission.”

He Xuan swallows her food, making a face.

“Just leave it, Qingxuan,” she says. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter! He-jie, you can’t let people talk shit about you like that! It’s not right. I won’t have my best friend slandered on Twitter just because some asshole was bored and hasn’t stirred the pot in a while!”

He Xuan is slightly taken aback by Shi Qingxuan’s fire. She didn’t realise it bothered her so much to see people spreading lies on the internet. She didn’t realise it was so important. At this point, she's just glad Shi Qingxuan doesn't believe it all.

“What if it affects your channel?” she argues.

Shi Qingxuan stares incredulously. “M-my channel? Who cares? This could ruin your career. You deserve so much better.”

He Xuan frowns. What exactly does she deserve? She hasn’t done anything in her life to warrant such unwavering support. She's never considered herself a good person. She’s made enough mistakes and hurt enough people that she doesn't really believe in asking for more than she gets.

Shi Qingxuan… Shi Qingxuan is surely worth more than He Xuan deserves.

She uncaps her coffee, setting the lid aside, trying to act casual, though her heart is the centre of a whirlpool, pulling in all that longing.

“As you like,” she says. “Just don’t do anything that might hurt your brand.”

Shi Qingxuan appears appeased with that, so she tends to the food, humming to herself. He Xuan watches her for a moment, feeling strangely at peace. No one has ever been so fierce to defend her before. There’s never been anyone who thought she was worth fighting for.

Incredibly, after Shi Qingxuan's advocacy, there is indeed a heavy decline in the gossip in the coming days. Busy with work, He Xuan hasn’t really had the time to pay it much attention, but Hua Cheng has mentioned to her several times that there seems to be a change in people's tune.

[Hua Cheng]
apparently there’s going to be some kind of apology on twitter
I prefer my apologies in cash but like
I guess this will do

[He Xuan]
👍 💰 🍜
did we find out who started the whole thing?

[Hua Cheng]
kind of? there’s an alias but no name

He Xuan scrolls her social media idly, quietly hoping to find this so-called apology, but her phone pings with more messages.

[Shi Qingxuan]
knock knock bitch im coming up
can u open the door for me?

Startled, He Xuan gets up from the sofa and opens her apartment door. Shi Qingxuan is running down the hall from the elevator, waving excitedly. She’s not as nicely dressed as she usually is, her hair tied up with a big bow, no makeup on. She still looks amazing, though.

He Xuan also notes that she’s dragging a heavy suitcase behind her. She steps aside as Shi Qingxuan yanks it through the door, her sneakers squeaking against the polished floorboards.

“Did you see it?” she asks breathlessly, kicking off her shoes with much urgency.

He Xuan shuts the door.

“See what?”

“The apology! He said he posted it.”

On cue, He Xuan’s phone lights up with another message from Hua Cheng, this time with a link embedded. She ignores it for now.

“Qingxuan, what is this?”

“Oh.” Shi Qingxuan observes her suitcase a little ruefully, hands on her hips as if she's never seen it before in her life. “Well, ge and I had a bit of a falling out, so I thought I’d come stay with you for a while.”

She smiles at He Xuan, all teeth, her eyes crinkling sweetly. He Xuan’s heart skips a beat.

“You - you fight all the time. What was different this time?” she asks.

“Well, it was about you,” Shi Qingxuan says, as if it explains everything.

“Me?”

“Yeah.”

“Qingxuan.”

Shi Qingxuan sighs heavily, her shoulders slumping in defeat.

“I said I had a feeling I knew who started the rumour. Turns out I was right.”

He Xuan catches on fast. Honestly, it doesn't really surprise her.

“Your brother?”

Shi Qingxuan nods once. “I confronted him about it, and he said the rumour was aimed more at Hua Cheng than you, but was glad to take you down a notch as well.”

He Xuan has always known Shi Wudu never liked her. Something about being a bad influence on his sister, or whatever other meaningless justification he could think of. He Xuan never took it personally, but starting a rumour about her was taking it a bit far, even by her standards.

“Anyway. I asked him to apologise to you personally, and he refused. I got angry. We had a fight... I hope it’s okay if I crash with you for a while.”

Without waiting for an answer, Shi Qingxuan pulls her suitcase into He Xuan’s bedroom.

HeXuan.exe has stopped working.

Shi Qingxuan… really put her relationship with her brother on the line for He Xuan. She was - and still is - willing to sacrifice so much on He Xuan’s behalf. And for what? Because they’re friends? It just doesn’t seem right.

Still processing, He Xuan hesitates before drifting into the room behind Shi Qingxuan.

“I – I told you not to do anything that might implicate you,” she says.

Shi Qingxuan heaves the suitcase onto the bed and turns around, head tilted to the side in confusion.

“I just exposed the truth and told ge to get over himself. It’s nothing I wouldn’t do for a friend.”

He Xuan steps forward, and suddenly she’s standing right in front of Shi Qingxuan. She looks down at her, rosy-cheeked from lugging the suitcase all the way to the apartment. Baby hairs curl over her forehead, her lips stained pink from a stubborn lipstick that hasn’t fully come off from the day before. She’s always been so beautiful, but now more so than ever, having travelled halfway across the city in the heat of July because she knew He Xuan would open the door for her, and let her in.

He Xuan twists her fingers. “Was the fight very bad?”

Shi Qingxuan shrugs. “We’ll get over it. And if not, then at least I did the right thing by you. He’s my brother, but you’re important to me, He-jie.”

He Xuan opens her mouth, closes it, then opens it again.

She doesn't know what to say. What can she possibly say that might convey her appreciation? Her awe? Her heart?

Nothing, except -

“I love you.”

Shi Qingxuan blinks, a little taken aback. Then, she laughs. 

“Aww, jiejie! I love you too!”

She stands on tip-toe to pull He Xuan into a tight hug. He Xuan loses her balance slightly, stunned and breathless by the sudden gesture. She isn't accustomed to hugging people on a regular basis. She avoids it if she can. Shi Qingxuan has always been an exception to this rule, but He Xuan still isn't used to it. She never wants to get used to it.

She takes a moment to respond to the embrace properly, wrapping her arms around Shi Qingxuan and folding into her. He Xuan's heart is wild, her snowstorm dissipating. She wishes. She needs. She never wants to let go.

“No. Qingxuan. I – I love you.”

The hold around He Xuan’s neck loosens, and then Shi Qingxuan drops back, her eyes wide as she stares at He Xuan. At least she understands, He Xuan thinks. She doesn’t have to say it back the same way, as long as she understands what He Xuan means.

Maybe it’s fine. Even if He Xuan admits it and says it out loud and all that other bullshit, things may yet stay the same. And if not… well, at least He Xuan was honest for once. At least she can say she loved someone as wonderful as Shi Qingxuan. 

“You – you love me?” Shi Qingxuan says quietly. 

“Yes.”

“You love me, love me?”

“Yes.”

Shi Qingxuan stands there, and He Xuan is begging for her to say literally anything else.

‘I don’t feel that way about you.’

‘Let’s stay friends.’

‘I have to go.’

Anything to make the moment feel real.

Instead, Shi Qingxuan dithers, her hand at her wrist, tugging on the heart tag of her bracelet. She seems to be thinking, so He Xuan patiently waits despite her frantic heart. She’s never felt so exposed. So vulnerable. So alive.

Then, Shi Qingxuan moves, and closes the gap.

Her lips find He Xuan’s, warm and soft and fierce. He Xuan almost doesn’t register what’s happening, but her entire body feels like it’s being flooded, all of her love pouring out at once.

She closes her eyes as the kiss deepens. She brings her arms around to hug Shi Qingxuan again, hyperaware of every inch of her skin where their bodies touch, as if they couldn’t possibly be close enough.

If this is drowning, then He Xuan never wants to come up for air.

Chapter Text

[Hua Cheng]
congrats on feeling emotion for another human being
didn’t think you had it in u

[He Xuan]
please just fire me

He Xuan’s apartment is quiet, save for the clashing sounds of a video game she’s playing on the television. Her phone pings next to her, but she doesn’t answer it. In the kitchen, Shi Qingxuan is rifling through the cupboards looking for He Xuan’s snack stash.

Unsuccessful in finding it, she sighs heavily and loudly. When that doesn’t get her the sympathy she’s after, she pads over to the sofa and flops down against He Xuan with a sulky expression. He Xuan keeps playing her game. 

Undeterred, Shi Qingxuan switches on the selfie camera of her phone and points it at herself, tapping the record button. He Xuan is just above her, eyes still fixed on the television.

“Hey guys, it’s our three month anniversary soon! Comment below some suggestions on what we should do to celebrate!”

He Xuan glances at her briefly. “Three months? I didn’t know you were dating anyone.”

Shi Qingxuan gasps dramatically, and from the corner of her eye, He Xuan can see her comical expression on the phone screen. 

“JIEJIE. SO MEAN.”

Deeming the video a success, Shi Qingxuan locks her phone and wriggles around to face He Xuan, pouting sweetly to get her attention. 

He Xuan obliges for as much as her game allows. “Do you actually want to do something to celebrate three months?”

“What? Are you too cool for anniversaries?” Shi Qingxuan counters.  

He Xuan has never given much importance to anniversaries. There’s never been any need to. No one has stuck with her for this long, until now. 

“We can,” she says, finally pausing her game and setting the controller aside. “Whatever you like.”

Shi Qingxuan beams. With He Xuan’s focus away from the screen, she moves to straddle He Xuan’s lap, wiggling enthusiastically. She smells nice, so He Xuan leans in to nose at her neck, running her hands up her back.

“How about… Cascading Wine?”

He Xuan pauses on a kiss and breaks away, resting against the sofa and looking up at Shi Qingxuan. 

“Your brother won’t like that,” she says.

Shi Qingxuan’s eyes sparkle. “Exactly. It’ll be funny.”

He Xuan smirks. Shi Qingxuan and her brother are back on speaking terms, but Shi Wudu made it clear that he didn’t want to see her in public with He Xuan. Not that they care to respect this, but they haven’t yet specifically gone out of their way to piss him off. 

“Alright. It’s a date,” He Xuan says.

Shi Qingxuan’s smile widens and she kisses He Xuan lightly, fingers grazing at her undercut. “Xuan-jie, you’re such a softie. If only my viewers saw this side of you.”

Fuck no, He Xuan thinks. This side of her is only for Shi Qingxuan. Besides, Shi Qingxuan’s channels have gotten impossibly more popular thanks to He Xuan’s deadpan snark in her latest videos. People seem amused by her cold replies to Shi Qingxuan’s peppy pranks.

All the same, He Xuan likes this part of herself. Sometimes she feels that maybe, just maybe, she is worthy of Shi Qingxuan’s love, and that everything she gives her is, in fact, enough. It’s enough to love, and let herself be loved. 

She's still not fully convinced she’s done anything to deserve it, but Shi Qingxuan is sure to remind her that she does anyway. Extra shot in her coffee, custom stickers for WeChat, fancy take-out, and post-it notes with cute messages around the apartment for He Xuan to find.

He Xuan always knew loving Shi Qingxuan would be easy. It was being loved by Shi Qingxuan that always worried her.

But, she doesn’t really worry anymore. 

BONUS:

Shi Qingxuan sits at the kitchen counter, phone camera at the ready. She's pretending to text, but her finger taps the record button. 

Unsuspecting, He Xuan waits for the kettle to boil. She leans against the pantry door, crossing her arms. When she catches Shi Qingxuan looking at her, she raises an eyebrow.

“Have you decided on a movie?” she asks.

“Oh, uhh. Maybe. I wanna flick through one more time,” Shi Qingxuan replies innocently.

“Fine. I’ll get the snacks.”

“Ahh, jiejie~ you know I ate your snacks last night?”

He Xuan drops her arms, staring at Shi Qingxuan in disbelief.

“You… are you serious?” 

She’s no stranger to Shi Qingxuan’s relentless TikTok pranks. As a result, it can be quite hard to get an honest reaction out of her, so Shi Qingxuan has to be smart about this. If she can pull it off, maybe her followers will finally accept that He Xuan does actually experience an emotion other than contempt.

Shi Qingxuan pretends to be sheepish. “I couldn’t help myself, I’m sorry.”

He Xuan’s disbelief becomes complete and utter despair. It’s like watching an ice cube melt under a blowtorch, and Shi Qingxuan almost feels bad.

“You ate all my snacks???”

Shi Qingxuan is starting to regret this, but she boldly persists in her prank.

“I didn’t think you’d mind… I’m sorry...”

He Xuan opens her mouth, and then closes it, totally lost for words. She doesn’t even react to the kettle turning off. 

Then, to Shi Qingxuan's horror, she begins to tear up. Real, actual tears are about to fall.

Shi Qingxuan quickly double-taps her phone screen to switch it to selfie mode, covering her mouth with her hand as He Xuan fully starts to cry, turning away to hide her face. Shi Qingxuan doesn’t think she’s ever seen He Xuan cry before… and about snacks, of all things. Really, Shi Qingxuan is a snack all by herself. What's He Xuan got to cry about??

Shi Qingxuan grimaces at the camera to acknowledge that she’s fucked up Big Time before ending the recording and putting the phone down. She hurries over to He Xuan to explain that it was just a joke. 

Honestly, she knows better than to touch He Xuan’s snacks.