Work Text:
We just figured out Blue’s clues
We just figured out Blue’s clues
We just figured out Blue’s clues
Because we’re really smart!
Jiang Cheng closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. If his reckoning is correct, that’s the fifth time he’s heard that today. Sixth, maybe? Whatever - the point is, he’s sick of it. Sick of it.
But when he looks at little Jin Ling, so engrossed in the episode he’s watched at least ten times since they subscribed to the service, he can’t find it in himself to express that annoyance. Not to him. Instead, he figures he’ll take a trip down to the gym later and beat the ever-loving fuck out of a punching bag.
He sighs again as a commercial pops up on the screen - how come he has to pay for a streaming service and also deal with commercials? Just to see the same damn episode over and over and over again. He must’ve paid that guy Xichen’s salary ten times over by now.
“Is Blues Clues your favorite TV show?” asks a woman on the screen. She’s wearing glasses and holding a clipboard, and she’s - kind of cute, actually. A bunch of kids crowded around her yell YES! in unison. “Do you guys want to meet Lan Xichen and little Blue in person?” They yell an even louder affirmative, and Jiang Cheng winces in sympathy. “Great! You’ll get a chance if your parents enter you in this drawing. You can come to the studio and watch a recording of an episode! Just visit the website on the screen - it’ll only take a minute to register! Good luck!”
Jiang Cheng stares at the television, bemused, as the kids follow her off-screen like little ducklings. “... This show is still going?” he mutters. “But it’s ancient.” Maybe because Jin Ling has been repeating the same damn episodes for what has to have been a full decade by now, he’s missed the new ones.
Hooray, more episodes to memorize word for word.
“Jiujiu! Jiujiu! I want to see Blue!”
“I figured as much,” he grumbles. “You know how much money it costs to fly out there, kid?”
“But they pay for it!”
He scowls at his nephew. “How do you know they do?”
“How do you know they don’t?”
Jiang Cheng puts his head in his hands and gives up. Jin Ling is way too argumentative, and way too smart. That’s why he’s so spoiled, because frankly, Jiang Cheng just doesn’t have the energy to either say no or prove him wrong. He really is terrible at this parenting thing.
He also loves Jin Ling more than anything in the world.
He also has nothing better to do with his time right now. His next work contract starts in a month, so what could be the harm? They won’t win anyway.
He also also tries his best to convince himself that it’s one hundred percent not because he, too, would like to meet a certain cast member. It’s really not. Really.
He pulls out his laptop and types in the web address just as Lan Xichen’s happy, smiling face shows up on screen again. Jin Ling has completely forgotten about his argument with Jiang Cheng, but the damn website is open now and that commercial is going to come back to haunt him and goddammit, Lan Xichen has to be the most beautiful person he has ever seen in his life, so he quickly enters their information, closes the site, and promptly forgets all about it.
***
Two weeks after that fateful commercial break, Jiang Cheng receives a call that shocks him to the core. Turns out he’s won the trip to see Blue’s Clues in person - and not only that, he is allowed to bring pets to visit with Blue!
Reeling, he gives the PR rep his information so that they can book him a private flight, and then lies back heavily on the couch.
“I really wanted to do nothing for a month,” he mutters. “At least A-Ling will be happy.”
***
The one thing that Jiang Cheng can say about the trip is that it’s not a total disaster. Other than… forgetting to set his alarm, misplacing Fairy and the bunny’s vaccine paperwork, Jin Ling throwing a tantrum because it’s too early, Jin Ling throwing a tantrum because he can’t bring his giant stuffed bear, Jin Ling crying because he tripped over his own damn feet - the picture of Jin Zixuan, that one - and oh yeah, being told that they might not even get a chance to meet Lan Xichen after all… sure, it’s not a total disaster. They have a driver and a private plane and they do at least get to sit in the studio and watch the show filmed live. He is really trying to focus on that.
The hotel is nice, too. Very nice, way outside of Jiang Cheng’s price range. When the assistant shows them to their room and asks whether or not it’s satisfactory, all he can do is stare at her and bite back what kind of prima donna do you think I am on a one gig income with a five-year-old?
Jin Ling is easy to put to sleep - after a long day of travel and taking care of Fairy and the bunny, he is understandably very tired. Jiang Cheng is, too, but he isn’t going to bed until he gets a taste of that private hot tub on the patio.
He elects to disrobe completely, leaving his clothes in a pile on the floor like a heathen in his haste to feel that steaming hot water on his skin, the warmth seeping into his bones.
As he bathes, his mind wanders. Tomorrow, he and Jin Ling will get to meet Blue two hours before the show starts. The small yard behind the studio where they normally let Blue play has plenty of room for the four of them, though their bunny - he really needs a name for her - will stay on her little bunny-leash. Since Xichen will not be there to play with them, Blue’s part-time handler will oversee their interactions.
Jin Ling is going to be ecstatic. Jiang Cheng, however, is ready to admit his disappointment. Lan Xichen is… okay, drop-dead fucking gorgeous, and he really figured that would be the silver lining for him (other than the whole happy nephew thing), but he’ll have to accept what’s on offer.
(And okay, it’s great. He can admit it’s great. But just once in his life, he’d like a shot at happiness, too. Xichen is openly gay - not that that means he’d be interested in the likes of Jiang Cheng, but still. He’d like a shot.)
He turns on the jets and situates himself near one of them, lets himself relax… and then he finds himself imagining Xichen there with him, an unbidden image popping into his mind of Xichen walking onto the patio with only a flimsy towel covering his nakedness, smiling at Jiang Cheng like he hung the damn moon. He groans in frustration but gives in to the fantasy, letting his pretend Xichen do… well, a variety of really wonderful things that start with a single, sweet kiss, because Jiang Cheng may be prickly, but he loves to be courted by a gentleman.
Not everything Xichen does in this fantasy is gentlemanly, though, and Jiang Cheng goes to bed sated and slightly ashamed at having defiled the hot tub.
Eh, it’s private, he tells himself. I’m sure they clean it.
***
Jin Ling is wonderfully polite and sociable the next day; Jiang Cheng suspects that’s because he doesn’t want to get sent home without getting to meet Blue. Not that Jiang Cheng would do such a thing - he’s an asshole, not an outright sadist - but he won’t disabuse the kid of the notion. He finds he’s actually enjoying the tour of the studio since his nephew is finally behaving himself.
Blue bounds right up to them and nearly knocks Jin Ling on his ass in his excitement. Fairy barks and jumps in front of him just before it happens, but after some sniffing and huffing, the dogs get along like a house on fire. He lets them free to play and hands the bunny’s leash to Jin Ling, who leads her around the yard and yells at the dogs.
Blue’s handler happens to be the cute young woman from the advertisement. She stands next to him and watches the excitement, laughing openly when Fairy does knock Jin Ling to the ground and then stands there wearing an oh shit face until Jin Ling giggles and pets her and gives her the okay to run off again.
“So the glasses were fake?” he asks, checking her out from the corner of his eye.
“Ah, yes.”
“Why?”
She shrugs and continues watching the scene closely. She is either entirely uninterested in Jiang Cheng, or very worried about a possible lawsuit. Or both. “They think it makes people more invested. Something about focus groups preferring me with glasses.”
He turns to look at her, dumbstruck. “You think kids care if you wear glasses or not?”
“I don’t, no,” she says, “but I do what the execs tell me to and collect my paycheck.”
He looks back at his nephew, who is relaxing in the grass with the bunny climbing into his lap. “And play with Blue.”
“And play with Blue. So it’s not a bad gig.”
Except for all the kids that probably rush you now that they’ve seen that commercial, he doesn’t say. I wouldn’t deal with that for any size paycheck.
***
The studio is aflutter with folks - cameramen, lighting crews, execs - the works. Jiang Cheng is used to being on stage, of course, but this seems outrageous. This is a children’s show! Do they really need so many people buzzing to and fro like it’s an emergency room? At least they’ve got him a ways off stage while they are setting up. He won’t get moved near the stage until it’s time to start filming.
Blue is still enjoying his time with Jin Ling and Fairy all the way up to ten minutes before the show starts, at which point Lan Xichen steps on stage and Blue goes apeshit. Jin Ling’s eyes widen with excitement and he moves to follow Blue, causing Jiang Cheng to reach for him because Blue is not their dog and they can’t just approach the host of the show like that, but Fairy pulls him out of his chair by the leash in her own eagerness. He tries to gain his balance but lands on his stomach right at Lan Xichen’s feet.
Yep, this is how I die, he thinks, despairing. Really rather it had been a car accident.
“Uhh… “
Xichen’s slender, long-fingered, unbelievably sexy hand appears in front of his face. Jiang Cheng has had thoughts about those hands - as recently as last night, in fact. He stares at it stupidly until Xichen clears his throat and says, “May I help you up?”
“Uh, yeah. Sure.”
He takes the offered hand and lets himself be hauled to his feet. Xichen is wearing what Jiang Cheng refers to as Smile Level A, his default. Hazel eyes assess him carefully, sweeping up and down his body far slower than is strictly necessary. Jiang Cheng is thankful he’s used to the heat generated by stage lights, because at this rate he might pass out.
“You must be Jiang Cheng. And this is little Jin Ling!”
The smile changes gears to Level B, and Jiang Cheng tries not to be disappointed that his nephew gets higher marks than he does. If Wei Ying were here, he would crack a joke, pat Jiang Cheng on the back, and inadvertently do nothing but remind him that he will always be the least loved out of everyone.
Jin Ling runs to Lan Xichen and wraps his arms around the man’s legs with enough force to nearly knock him over. The oof and its resulting low chuckle make Jiang Cheng put his head in his hands. How is this his life?
“Jin Ling! Is that how you introduce yourself to an elder? Didn’t I teach you better?”
Jin Ling pouts but doesn’t remove his arms from around Xichen’s waist. Xichen’s hand is on Jin Ling’s head, and somehow he looks fond.
“It’s fine,” Xichen tells him. “I’m used to it.”
Jiang Cheng dusts himself off to avoid looking Xichen in the eyes. “Still. He knows better.”
Xichen chuckles again before crouching in front of Jin Ling. “I’m sorry I missed our play date. Do you want me to make it up to you and your father?”
“He’s my uncle,” Jin Ling says, “my mom and dad died.”
“Oh! Goodness, I’m so sorry. Forgive me.”
“It’s okay,” Jiang Cheng rushes to assure him, “it’s an honest mistake.”
“You’re his guardian, then? Ah. Let me double make it up to you, then.” This time, he looks back at Jiang Cheng with Smile Level A again, and Jiang Cheng, frustrated and lonely and already embarrassed beyond belief, decides to go for it. He wants to make Lan Xichen hit Smile Level C, and dammit, he’s going to do it.
“Yeah, sure. What did you have in mind?”
“Dinner?”
“Yes!” Jin Ling yells before Jiang Cheng can get a word in edgewise. He glares at his nephew, who gives him a shit-eating grin in return. Does the kid know something? Jiang Cheng has never displayed his thirst for the guy standing in front of them, but somehow his nephew knows anyway. Damn kids and their damn insight.
“Ah… alright,” he says. “Let’s do it.”
“Great! Wait for me after the show is done, and we can go to my home. I’ll cook! See you in a bit. Hope you enjoy the show!”
With that, Xichen turns back to the stage and leaves Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng staring dumbly at his back.
***
The show is not a complete disaster, either, or at least it wouldn’t be if he’d left the damn animals at home with Wei Ying. Every time Blue barks, Fairy barks with her, and then it devolves into an indoor version of the Twilight Bark but with two giant, loud dogs. At least Blue is just as bad as Fairy, meaning Jiang Cheng is not the only one with an ill-behaved dog.
The bunny, though… the bunny is about a thousand times worse.
He’d never admit it, but Jiang Cheng is absolutely enthralled with Lan Xichen and Blue during filming. So enthralled, in fact, that he forgets they have a bunny on a leash with them. And while the bunny - who he still has no name for - is well-behaved, she is also curious in her own right. Thus, when Jin Ling drops her leash and Jiang Cheng doesn’t notice, the next thing he knows -
“Oh! Who is this?”
Blue barks, then Fairy barks, then Jiang Cheng nearly drops out of his chair when he notices their bunny hopping around on set like she has no care in the world. The sass of that creature!
“What the hell, A-Ling? How did she get off her leash? ” he hisses, trying to stay quiet under the whir of the cameras, but Xichen still hears him. He turns that thousand megawatt Smile Level C Jiang Cheng’s way and winks.
He winks.
Jiang Cheng is going to die.
“Well, Blue,” he tells his dog, “it looks like you’ve made a friend! Who is this little girl?”
Xichen scoops her up with gentle hands and raises her to rub their noses together. Jiang Cheng is too busy having a goddamn heart attack to hear what he says immediately after. When his ears stop ringing and his soul re-enters his body, he catches the tail end of what Xichen says.
“... never caught your name. Shall I call you… hmm. Magenta? Since your collar is magenta. What do you say, Blue?”
Blue barks. Fairy barks. The entire cast and crew of Blues Clues look between Jiang Cheng, Jin Ling, and Lan Xichen with huge smiles on their faces.
Jiang Cheng is going to D. I. E.
***
To Jiang Cheng’s surprise, Blue’s secondary handler approaches him after the show. He’s twitchy when surrounded by so many people who are actively working; it makes him feel like he’s lazy for not doing anything, even though he’s a guest here. He’s thankful for someone to talk to, at least. But her mischievous smile is making him feel a little anxious...
The blood drains from his face when she kneels down to whisper, “I think Xichen likes you.”
He throws his head back dramatically and breathes into his hands. “I swear I’m back in primary school right now.”
She giggles, and he thinks maybe he’s dreaming this whole absurd thing. “He told me to come get you and take you to his car. Come on, kid!” she says to Jin Ling, “Let’s go play with Blue again!”
“I’m not going to get kidnapped, am I?” he mutters under his breath.
She hears him, unfortunately. “Only if you want to.”
Jiang Cheng… does want to. He wants to very much. Xichen can whisk him away any day, any time, anywhere.
She smiles sharply at him. She knows, too. The only question is whether or not Xichen does… and whether or not Jiang Cheng has the balls to accept any such invitation.
***
The ride to Xichen's suburban home is fraught with sexual tension. The air is so close it's downright chewy. Jiang Cheng feels like he can barely draw breath. Even Jin Ling and the pups are quiet in the back, reminding him uncomfortably of forest animals when a predator is nearby. Is he the prey?
Is this... Is this reality?
It takes him an embarrassing twelve minutes and eleven seconds – he's counting – to figure out something to say.
“I'm, uh, surprised that you are Blue's real owner,” he starts, hoping this is an acceptable line of conversation.
Xichen hums, keeping his eyes on the road. Jiang Cheng makes sure to do the same. He's not sure he could look away if he fails. “Why wouldn't I be?”
“Oh. I guess... I guess I just thought...”
“He's an actor?”
Jiang Cheng can hear Smile Level A in his voice. No looking. No looking! he reminds himself.
“Sort of? He had to have had special training, right?”
“Nah. He's just a good boy. Aren't you, Blue?”
Jiang Cheng risks a glance at Xichen when Blue responds with a low woof, and feels immensely privileged to see what he immediately dubs Smile Level Devastating. That is a look given only to one's spouse or kids right there, and it's his new bullseye.
But Jiang Cheng doesn't have game. Out of things to say and unwilling to make more of an ass of himself than he already has, he remains quiet the rest of the ride. The only thing that makes him feel like maybe he's not a complete failure is the moment he turns to catch Xichen's admiring gaze. He promptly turns away again, of course, well before the light turns green.
Xichen sets Jin Ling up at the table with a coloring book while he feeds the animals. Jiang Cheng stands there and just admires how very... domestic this whole scene is. Xichen had fallen into it like it was second nature to him. Like he was comfortable with Magenta and Fairy and Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng taking over his tiny kitchen.
Wow, I did not realize I wanted this, he thinks in amazement.
He looks around, suddenly realizing there is something missing. “So... how old are your kids?”
“I don’t have any.”
“You mean… you do this… Why do you do this, exactly?”
Xichen gives him a brilliant smile and dangles a toy in front of the rabbit. As far as Jiang Cheng knows, rabbits don’t play with toys, but he doesn’t have the heart to say so. Xichen is… maybe not the brightest crayon in the box. “It’s fun!”
Jiang Cheng is fairly certain his soul leaves his body for the... fourth or fifth time today. He's lost count. How can someone actually want to do this? How can they possibly enjoy it? Unless they’re three to six years old, at least, because three to six year olds have horrible taste.
He doesn’t realize he’s said this out loud until Lan Xichen laughs, and then he feels hot blood rush to his face.
“I… I mean, the show is great - ”
“Jiang Cheng,” Xichen says gently, patting his shoulder, “it’s okay. It’s a kid’s show. It’s not supposed to be particularly titillating for adults.”
“It’s just weird! You seem to be having so much fun. I don’t get it.”
Xichen pushes him toward the table and pulls out the chair. Jin Ling hands him a coloring book and a few crayons which he takes on autopilot. “I’m paid to have fun. It helps that my enjoyment is genuine.”
“Do you... want kids of your own?”
Xichen grabs a pan and some oil and about a million different kinds of seasonings, opens the fridge, and stares into it like he's lost the track. Maybe contemplating what to cook... maybe picturing raising Jin Ling next to him.
(Okay, so Jiang Cheng is being ridiculous. Sue him – he hasn't gotten laid in three freaking years.)
“I want to do some good in the world,” he finally manages. “Whatever that ends up looking like.”
He grabs some chicken breasts and a big bowl of macaroni salad. Jiang Cheng is starving, but that's a minor issue compared to the klaxons blaring in his heart. How is this man so perfect?
“What about you? Do you want kids of your own?”
Xichen is studying the chicken breasts a lot harder than he needs to. If that's a screening question, Jiang Cheng can only hope he has the right answer.
(Probably not. He's not a very nice person, after all.)
“I don't know... but I don't think so. Not because I wouldn't like to give Jin Ling a sibling – it might be better for him – but personally, I'd rather fall into a vat of burning lava than spend one extra minute with the single mothers at the playground - “
He tries not to let Xichen's giggle make his knees weak, but he isn't kidding anyone.
“ - so yeah. Probably not for me. I'm not entirely closed off to the idea, though.”
“And the single fathers? What about them?”
Jiang Cheng prays as he takes a deep breath and shakily responds, “I might… be more amenable.”
Xichen chuckles again and sends him Smile Level Nuclear, and Jiang Cheng never stood a chance.
Flirting with Xichen (and getting confirmation that he’s interested) paradoxically loosens something in his shoulders, and conversation throughout dinner seems effortless. Xichen remains a bastion of upstanding morals while he is crude and sometimes cutting, but somehow... it works.
Jiang Cheng knows that it's only a matter of time before Xichen asks him out or makes a move. And there's a problem with that – other than Jin Ling's sensitive eyes and ears – which is that he lives half a continent away.
Though it's not like I can't do gigs out here. I bet they pay better anyway.
It turns out he was right. Xichen makes a move shortly after they settle on the couch, full and lazy from what turned out to be a phenomenal meal. Jin Ling is sitting on the floor two feet in front of them, surrounded by two sleeping dogs like parentheses, little Magenta in his lap. Never in history has there been a more perfect setup.
Xichen takes a deep breath and clears his throat. Jiang Cheng, who has been watching him from the corner of his eye like some kind of voyeur, turns to look at him fully.
“Who does your makeup?” Xichen asks, reaching out to brush a thumb against the outer part of his eyelid. “It looks amazing.”
Jiang Cheng closes his eyes before he stops breathing. He’d known it was coming, but the reality of having Lan Xichen actually touch him nearly breaks him.
But the world comes crashing down an instant later, when he realizes that the answer to that question is me , because I have a gig as a drag queen and I’m damn good at it.
Oh god, it never occurred to him that he’d have to come up with a lie about what he does for a living. He is such a damn fool! Wei Ying is going to laugh his way to a stroke when he hears about this - and he will hear about this, because their nephew is a little tattle-tale. Why does life have to kick him in the balls all the time?
“I, uh… I work in show business.”
“Oh?” Xichen tilts his head to the side, indicating serious interest. He’s so invested in whatever Jiang Cheng has to say next that he absentmindedly brushes back a stray strand of hair from his face. Jiang Cheng goes stock-still, floored, his mouth hanging open like he’s trying to catch flies. It's been so long since someone legitimately flirted with him, he wouldn't be surprised if Xichen thought he'd never had a boyfriend before.
“Yes,” he manages, though it comes out… well, embarrassingly aroused. “But please don't ask me for details. It's kind of... personal.”
Xichen gives him Smile Level A, and Jiang Cheng knows he is safe. For now.
Well. He's safe until he's betrayed by the worst nephew ever.
“Jiujiu is a drag queen,” Jin Ling says sleepily, not even turning around, clearly unaware of the massive pile of shit he's just stepped into. “He thinks I don't know, but uncle A-Ying tells me all about it.”
Oh. Oh, that motherfucker is going to die. Jiang Cheng is going to break his actual legs , tie him up, and beat him to death.
But just as he's about to flee the scene – maybe even leave his nephew behind, who fucking knows – Lan Xichen gently cups his cheek so that Jiang Cheng has no choice but to turn toward him. And when he's met with Smile Level Devastating, well... maybe he can forgive Jin Ling for this humiliation.
(Wei Ying, not so much.)
“You are delightful,” Lan Xichen murmurs, leaning in for a kiss. It's gentle and chaste and perfect, just how he'd imagined it. He unconsciously chases Xichen's lips when he pulls back, and is delighted in turn when Xichen indulges him.
“I don't know how this would even - ”
Xichen places a finger over his lips. “Don't.” He pulls Jiang Cheng down to lie on the couch with his head in Xichen's lap and starts to card fingers through his hair.
He's so fucking happy, he even sticks his tongue out at Jin Ling when he looks back at them.
***
One year later, Jiang Cheng flies Wei Ying out to meet Lan Xichen. He hasn't seen Jin Ling in five months, not since they'd moved in with him. Jiang Cheng feels a little bit guilty – Wei Ying did spend a lot of nights watching Jin Ling for him while he strutted on stage like a peacock – but the guilt dies fast.
“Ahh, I'm so glad I finally got to meet you,” he tells Xichen with a grin, then sits down at the table next to Jiang Cheng and whispers, “Why didn't you tell me he had such a phenomenal ass?”
Jiang Cheng raises an arm in preparation to elbow him across the kitchen, but before he can, Xichen sits next to his brother and says with a grin, “You think my ass is phenomenal? You should see my brother's. He'll be here in... oh, about five minutes.”
Then Xichen picks up a roll and chews it contemplatively while Jiang Cheng snickers and Wei Ying freaks out.
Lan Wangji walks in not a second later, sees Wei Ying, and balks.
Jiang Cheng watches their brothers in amazement for a brief moment, not even bothering to hide his amusement at Wangji's skittishness and Wei Ying being... Wei Ying. This should be an interesting match.
“So this is what you had up your sleeve when you said you were going to get your brother a date even if it killed you?”
Xichen nods and pours him some tea. Across the room, Wangji has still not decided if he will bolt, though time is running out since Wei Ying is walking right toward him wearing the dopiest grin in history.
“You are an evil genius.”
Xichen nods again. “They are perfect for each other. Enjoy the show, beloved.”
Lan Wangji flinches when Wei Ying casually drapes an arm over his shoulders. This is the best anniversary gift Xichen could've gotten him. “Oh, I will.”