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Summary
Ben is hot and trembling and filled with rage so profound it might almost be grief.
Also, there’s a knife in his hand.
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oh wow I love the authors writing style! it's disjointed in the way that really captures a dream-esc feeling where you know something is wrong but can't change it. and that perfectly fits with how Ben is essentially watching himself commit one of the things he regrets most (up there with Alex) over and over. there are so so many quotes from this i adore its insane. i think they've just so perfectly captured the bitter feelings and thoughts of Ben, who is a very complex character in himself.
its almost like the stages of grief how they've structured this and I love it. first is Bens detachment, the cleaning up of himself and the crime, the acknowledgement of feeling without the actual feeling itself. ["I'll miss you."] then it is convincing himself of the boredom of anothers life, that it meant nothing to him. but he thinks of Alex and his own father ["Fathers are just like that. If only John had learned his lesson. If only someone had warned Alex"] and that is when his first crack shows. because he doesn't regret killing his own father, and he admonishes John for the attachment he has to his. but in the end it circles back to his daughter, and Ben knows that he himself is the father that is "like that". it is feeling his regret but also then admonishing John for being swallowed by it. I think you really well show his detachment. how he thinks he should feel those things from afar, because he cant cope with his feelings if he were to let it swallow him like John's regret over Helen. ["This doesn't help. You should really know that by now."] then, it is the anger. and this is when the emotions start to flow in a way he can't stop, because he sees John being hurt and can't keep himself from getting revenge in the only way he has come to understand. death. murder. he views it as an escape from his emotions, but seems to understand it isn't fixing things. because his feelings are not really toward Anthony Cooper. they're toward John. but hes used up all his detatchment so now he feels relief when realising John is ok and alive, only to have that ripped from him by his own body when he kills John again. coping by removing his feelings from the actions of his hands again, but in the end when they come back they swallow him just like he had admoshied earlier. it "won't help" and he knows it, but there's a freedom that comes with letting his grief bury him for a moment.
this is probably WAY too rambly but they're just SO.
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