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5 months and 1 day
When Hinata took his vows in front of his friends, his family, and the love of his life, he never thought he would be standing here, in an empty apartment, with the rest of the life he once thought he would be living in forever packed in tiny boxes inside a moving van fifteen floors below him.
How did I get here? He thinks.
The empty apartment offers him no answer, and so he walks away and turns his back for the last time, the echoes of memories and happy times chasing after him like shadows he can’t let go of.
--
Day 1
Hinata wakes up to a cold and empty bed for the third day straight.
Despite the fact that Kageyama’s side has absolutely no warmth left to speak of, he still hangs on to the blind hope that his husband was probably just inside the bathroom. He opens his eyes, just a small crack, squinting against the still dark room. The bathroom lights are off.
He sighs. Again. He’s left again. He grabs his phone from under the pillow and turns it on.
“Where could he be at 5 in the morning?” He asks, voice still heavy with sleep. He lifts his head from the pillow and listens around for sounds that would indicate that his husband is still home.
This is a worthless effort. You know he’s not home. The tiny voice in his head supplies. He ignores it.
But he knows it's right. It has been right for three months now.
Fully awake now, he opens his phone again and scrolls through his messages. It takes him a while, and faintly he realizes that he and Kageyama haven’t texted each other in days. He opens his and Kageyama’s thread.
He hasn’t even replied to my last text. He thinks. He was asking him if he was free for dinner. There was no read receipt.
Hinata: Where are you? It’s only 5 AM >_<
Kageyama: Out.
Hinata: Yeah but where?
Kageyama: Just go back to sleep.
“I’m your husband. You are supposed to tell me shit.” Hinata types out.
He doesn’t send it.
Instead, he allows numbness and exhaustion take over his body. He lays back down, head against the pillow, his body tucked closely on itself and faced away from the spot where his husband sleeps. He ignores the stinging of tears in his eyes. I will not cry. I will not cry. Not over this. He whispers in his head, the broken mantra he has been whispering to himself for a while now. He doesn’t know how long he can keep it up before he finally snaps and breaks.
He sleeps.
--
“So have you thought about it?”
Kageyama doesn’t startle. Instead, he slams his locker shut and sits on the bench. He stares at the ring on his finger, twisting it. He thinks of Hinata as he removes it, and he can’t help but wonder if that’s a sign. He then unclasps the chain hanging from his neck, where he slips his wedding ring so it doesn’t interfere with his game.
“Thought about what?” He asks, finally looking at Ushijima, who had been patiently waiting for him to acknowledge his presence.
“The offer.”
“Yeah, I’ve thought about it.”
Ushijima hums. He turns his back on Kageyama and opens his own locker. Kageyama opens his phone and notes that it’s already 8 AM. Hinata must be awake now, he thinks. He closes his phone.
“You’re not accepting it, aren’t you?” Ushijima speaks suddenly. Kageyama turns his hide slightly to the side, just to acknowledge his question. He provides Ushijima with no answer, but Ushijima seems to know what he thinks anyway.
“You’re letting him hold you back.” Ushijima states matter of factly as he closes his locker. He wraps his towel around his neck and looks pointedly at Kageyama’s back. “You’re letting him get in the way of your future.”
“He’s my husband.” Kageyama replies tightly.
“And?” Ushijima asks. “That doesn’t make him holding you back any less true.”
Kageyama sighs, the fight leaving his body. “Hinata is not holding me back. I just don’t want to join a team in Italy. It’s too soon.”
“Is it?” Ushijima asks him with a raised eyebrow. He walks towards the opposite lockers and stops in front of Kageyama, who was staring resolutely at his shoes. “Is it really too soon? I saw how you’d look at the papers for your transfer. You want this. I know you do.”
“What would you know about how I feel?” kageyama asks, his voice tinged with the tiniest bit of malice. “It’s not like you really know me. We’re teammates, nothing more.”
“You are, besides me, the only person I know who prioritizes volleyball over anything else.”
“Hinata used to.” Kageyama tells Ushijima.
“Used to is the word here.” Ushijima reminds him.
It hits Kageyama again, how Hinata had given up volleyball. One injury and he was done. He didn’t want to play anymore. Didn’t want to play with Kageyama anymore. Fourth year of university had been tough. He had already played the season without a partner, Hinata being out of commission because of the injury. And then, when the season was done, when he had already denied two teams because he was waiting for Hinata to fully recover, Hinata had told him the news.
“What do you mean you aren’t playing anymore? Is the injury permanent?”
Hinata sighs. “No, it’s not. I’m all healed up.”
Kageyama looks at him like he has grown two heads in the middle of their conversation. “Then what are you saying? You can play, right?”
“Of course I can.”
“Then what?” Kageyama says as he sits on the sofa. He places his forehead low, close to his knees, and then buries his hands on his hair. “What is it that you aren’t telling me?”
“I don’t want to play anymore.” Hinata tells hims. With this, Kageyama’s head snaps up. His eyes drill holes against Hinata’s own.
“You’re joking.” He tells him. Or he convinces himself, maybe, because he saw no signs of joking in Hinata’s eyes. Just the same resolution that he always had in there when he’s decided on doing something.
“I’m not joking, Kageyama. This is real. I’ve had time to think about this—no, I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and I’ve decided that I want to quit.”
“Quit?!” Kageyama says as he stands up. Hinata pinches the spot between his eyebrows, trying to stave off the headache he knows is about to come.
“Just calm down, stupid Kag—”
“Why quit?” Kageyama asks him, pacing in front of the sofa, hands waving around as if it would help him make sense of the words that just came out of Hinata’s mouth. “What ever happened to the world stage? To playing against each other?”
“I just don’t think I can play anymore, Kageyama.” Hinata tells him gently, as if he is talking to a child. “I don’t think I can be the player I used to be again.”
“This is just the injury talking, Hinata. You’ll be fine. It’s only been a few months, I’m sure you still play fine. As long as you can hit my tosses. As long as I’m here, you’re invincible, remember?” Kageyama says, almost hysterically. Hinata stands up and hugs Kageyama, who struggles for a while before giving in. He has never been able to deny Hinata anything.
“This is what I want, okay?” Hinata says, running his hands over Kageyama’s back. “But I won’t leave you, okay? I’ll always be here. I just don’t think volleyball and I are meant to stay together anymore.”
That had been one of their worst fights, with Kageyama leaving their dorm and sleeping over at Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s apartment. He had ignored Hinata’s calls, texts, and pleas from behind Yamaguchi’s apartment to come back to their dorm and talk to him. He had lasted three weeks before Tsukishima finally kicked him out with a “if you don’t talk to that shrimp I will kill you both and hide your bodies, and I can get away with it, because I am studying law and Yamaguchi will witness for me.”
He had crawled back to Hinata. They talked it out and that was it. And then the Olympics happened and then the Adlers. Hinata had gotten a job as a book editor and worked closely with Fukurodani’s setter, Akaashi. Life was fine for them. Life moved on.
“He’s still my husband.” Kageyama says finally. “I’m still going to consider him, and I don’t want to leave him.”
“Whatever you say.” Ushijima says, giving the conversation up. “You know, I always thought Oikawa was the last time I’d ever see potential wasted. I see now that that isn’t the case. There will always be wasted potential.”
Kageyama ignores him. He fiddles with the ring around his neck instead.
--
Day 4
“You know, we haven’t been out on a date in a while.” Hinata says as he settles on his side of the bed. He drops his chin on Kageyama’s shoulder. His husband barely acknowledges him. “We should go out.”
“Can’t. Busy.” Kageyama replies curtly.
“With what?” Hinata asks him. “You don’t have a game coming up.”
“And you’d know that so well, wouldn’t you.” Kageyama asks him snidely. Hinata leans back, hurt crossing his face. He lays down, facing away from Kageyama.
“You don’t have to be so mean, you know. I just miss you.” He whispers angrily, unable to keep the emotions from his voice. Kageyama sighs when he hears this and puts his phone down. He lays down beside Hinata and hugs him, pressing his husband against his chest, holding him tight.
“I miss you too, I’ve just been busy I guess. Training and stuff. And we do have a game, you know.” He whispers against Hinata’s ear.
“You haven’t been home a lot, and you always leave so early in the morning.”
“I know, I know. Shh.” Kageyama says, running his hand oveer Hinata’s hair. He presses a kiss against his cheek. “It’s just for now, I promise. I’ll be back to annoy you at home before you know it, and you’ll actually miss me being gone.”
But it’s not just that. Hinata wants to say. Scream it, even, inside his husband’s ear until he understands. I don’t know where you are. You don’t answer my calls. You sleep only when I’m asleep because you’re always on your phone. You don’t have time for me anymore, for us. And you’re always mad at me as if I did something wrong to you. What did I do, Kageyama? Just tell me.
He says none of it. Instead he surrenders himself to Kageyama, trying to enjoy what little he can get from the man he loves.
--
Day 11
“Yeah, sure, I’ll be there. Next week right?” Hinata says to his phone as he walks around the kitchen, orange juice in hand and preparing breakfast for himself. Once again, Kageyama left early, and once again he is eating breakfast by himself. He doesn’t dwell on this anymore, because there seems to be nothing he can do anyway.
“Of course. Okay. See you. Bye.” He ends the call. He places the orange juice on the table and sighs. He looks at the picture frame hanging beside the window. It was him and Kageyama in the middle of a slow dance on their wedding. Hinata’s arms wrapped around Kageyama’s neck as his husband holds him by the waist, looking at him with nothing but love in his eyes.
“Well.” He says, looking away from the picture and sitting down on his seat by the table. He takes a sip from his orange juice and glares at his phone. He had just finished his work yesterday, and he had no work left to do. He had offered tot ake some of Akaashi san’s workload but he had politely declined. “What am I supposed to do now.”
He was about to shove his third pancake into his mouth when his phone rings. A smile blooms on his face, thinking (hoping) that his husband has called him (for the first time in weeks) to tell him that he was on his way home, and that because he has all this free time they could finally go out like Hinata wanted.
His smile drops when he sees it's an unknown number.
“Hello?” He says, answering the call.
“Still sound like a shrimp, I see.” The voice answers back. Hinata’s eyes bulge out of his head as the knowledge of the voice’s owner dawns on him.
“Atsumu-san!” He says with delight. “Oh, wow. I didn’t know you were back in Japan.”
“Yeah, I got back two weeks ago.” He says sheepishly. Hinata gasps.
“Two weeks? And you only thought to call me now?”
Atsumu laughs through the line. Hinata hears people in the background. “I’ve just been busy, that’s all. I won’t be here for long. I still have to go back to France for a couple more months before I can be here for good.”
“Are you busy now? You can just call me later Atsumu-san.”
“No, no. I’m in ‘Samu’s onigiri place. There’s a lot of customers right now and that’s why it’s noisy.”
As if on cue, Hinata hears the voice of Miya Osamu drifting towards the speaker. “Get yer butt off my counter, ‘Tsumu, before I whack you with a piping hot frying pan. And say ‘hi’ to Hinata-kun for me.”
“Hello, ‘Samu-san!” Hinata giggles over the phone. “So what did you call me for, Atsumu-san? I doubt you just wanted to exchange pleasantries over the phone.”
Atsumu chortles. “And you know me so well, don’t you Hinata-kun.” He teases Hinata over the phone.
“Spit it out, Atsumu-san.”
“Fine, fine, there is no getting past you.” Atsumu sighs. “You still live in Tokyo, right?”
“Yeah, I do. Why?”
“Well, there’s this bar near Onigiri Miya that I’ve been meaning to go to, and I was wondering if you want to go with me?”
Hinata hums thoughtfully. “That depends. When do you wanna?”
“Tonight, hopefully.”
“Oh.” Hinata says. “Uhm. Sure. I don’t have anything to do tonight, really.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Yeah, sure, let’s meet tonight.” He says. “6 PM okay with you?”
“I’ll be there.”
--
“Where have you been?”
Hinata scoffs as he shuts the door, throwing his keys on the bowl they keep beside the shoe rack. “What, no more hellos for your husband?”
“I’m not joking around.”
Hinata sighs. “I went out, you know, like I’ve been meaning to for a while.”
Kageyama stands up too, and Hinata can already feel the fight before it actually happens.
“And you didn’t think to call or text me because?”
“Because I thought you were busy.” Hinata replies. He turns to look at Kageyama. “The last time I called you while you were at practice you got mad.”
“Well imagine how I feel coming home to an empty house and a missing husband.”
Hinata snorts derisively. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we were still married, what with you always coming home late.”
Kageyama laughs. “Oh, so now this is my fault.”
“I didn’t say it was your fault!” Hinata shouts. “It’s never your fault. It’s always me who has a problem!”
“What the fuck are you even talking about.” Kageyama asks him.
“I don’t know, Kageyama. Figure it out yourself. I’m tired. I want to go to sleep.” He says as he walks towards their bedroom. Kageyama tails after him.
“We need to talk about this, you know. It’s 1 in the morning, Hinata. Who were you even out with?”
“Just leave me alone.” Hinata says, slamming the door behind him. He doesn’t lock it, but Kageyama doesn’t follow either way.
He falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, and as he gets pulled into deep slumber his last thought was where did we go wrong?
--
Day 13
You have reached Kageyama Tobio. Leave a message after the beep.
“Hey, Kageyama, listen, about the other day. Can we talk about it?”
--
Day 14
“Kageyama, are you coming home tonight? Where did you sleep last night? Please call me back.”
--
Day 15
“Look, Kageyama, you don’t even have to talk to me, okay? Just come home, please. I know you’re still going to practice. I called Korai-kun and he said you still attend. Where have you been sleeping? Are you staying over at Tsukishima and Yamaguchi’s again?”
He sniffles. He wipes the tears running against his cheek.
“Call me back, okay? I love you.”
--
Day 16
“Kageyama.”
Kageyama lifts his head from his hands, his gaze weary and exhausted. He looks at the envelope Ushijimas clutching in his hands. He recognizes it as the one inside his locker. The offer he has been stalling for months. Ali roma.
“How did you—”
“It doesn’t matter.” Ushijima says, cutting him off. “There’s something else you need to see anyway.”
“What is it?” He asks curiously. From his pocket, Ushijima pulls out his phone and taps a few buttons. He hears the ping of a message sent, and at the same time his phone buzzes from beside him. He picks it up.
“Before you open that I just wanna say I’m sorry. But you deserve to know.” Ushijima says. He leaves the envelope containing the transfer papers beside Kageyama before patting his shoulder and then walking away.
Kageyama opens his phone.
--
Day 20
“He hasn’t even called me, Yacchan. All I know is that he goes to practice and that’s it. Every time I ask Korai-kun about Kageyama he just clams up and tells me Kageyama doesn’t want to talk.”
“It’s okay, Hinata.” Yachi says from the phone. “He’ll come around. It’s not like this is the first time you’ve fought.”
“But this is different.” Hinata insists. He looks at the clock. 5 PM. Practice should be over by now. He should try calling Kageyama again soon. “He’s never ignored me like this before. I don’t even know where he’s sleeping, Yachi.”
Yachi could do nothing but whisper sympathies on the phone as Hinata laments about Kageyama’s absence. Hinata lets her go, eventually, not wanting to keep her from her work any longer than he already has. He tries to call Kageyama right as he ends his call with Yachi, hoping that his husband would finally pick up.
He still doesn’t, and Hinata begins to wonder why he still tries.
He gets up and walks to the kitchen, planning on making coffee before he heads back to work. His worrying over Kageyama has set him back a little bit on work, and Akaashi had been kind enough to help him. He sits on the table, watching the steam slowly rise from the kettle’s mouth.
Suddenly, the door opens, and Hinata is up on his feet in no time at all.
He hears before he sees Kageyama, the jangling of the keys being placed in the glass bowl loud against the relative silence of the house. He sighs with relief as he finally spots Kageyama from the door, standing whole and unharmed albeit a little exhausted. He pays no mind to the envelope in his hand as he rushes over to hug his husband.
“Where have you been. I missed you so much.” He whispers against Kageyama’s chest as he wraps his arms tight around him. To his surprise, Kageyama pulls him away.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Hinata asks, finally meeting Kageyama’s eyes. “You’re not hurt are you? Wait—wh—why are you crying? Hey, Bakageyama, are you okay?”
“We need to talk, Hinata.” Kageyama says, and Hinata reels back from how cold it sounds. Completely devoid of warmth and completely unlike the man he loves.
--
“You have it all wrong, Kageyama.” Hinata says, his eyes wet with tears and his voice thick with denial. “You don’t—you don’t understand, okay just sit down.”
“I don’t understand. It’s me who doesn’t understand. How do you even explain this, Hinata?” He gestures to the picture on top of the table. Hinata flinches when his eyes land on it.
“Ah, see, you’re flinching. Because it’s true, isn’t it? That picture is real, right?”
“It’s real but you have it all wrong, I swear.”
“How can I misinterpret this, Hinata? You cheated on me.”
“I didn’t cheat on you.” Hinata shouts, the tears finally falling from his eyes. He looks up, pleading for Kageyama to understand him. Their eyes meet, and Hinata almst revolts at the sight of the bridling contempt swirling in his gaze. “I swear, I would never cheat on you.”
“So that’s why you wouldn’t tell me what happened that night.” Kageyama says, realizing something. His brain supplies memory after memory, of how elusive Hinata had been that night he met up with Atsumu. How Hinata had picked a fight that night when Kageyama asked him where he’d been.
“No, Kageyama that’s n—”
“But it is, isn’t it.” Kageyama scoffs. “You didn’t even tell me where you were. You just left, didn’t you?”
“Kageyama I—”
“Didn’t you?!” Kageyama shouts, his voice raw with pain. “Just answer it, Hinata.”
Hinata swallows against the rock that seems to have lodged itself in his throat. “Yes.” He whispers. “Yes, I did.”
Kageyama rolls his eyes. “Yeah, you did.” He mocks Hinata.
“I love you, Kageyama. And I would never cheat on you, I swear.”
“Then what do you call this, Hinata?” He says, his finger tapping against the photo on the table. He places his finger right on top of Atsumu’s head, leaning towards Hinata, inches away from his husband’s—his husband—head. “What is this?”
“I—I—just. Just let me explain pl—”
“Don’t try to lie yourself out of this, Hinata.”
“When have I ever lied to you?” Hinata asks him incredulously. “In the three years we have been married when have I ever lied to you?”
Kageyama doesn’t answer him. Instead, he just sighs and walks towards their bedroom.
“Where are you going?” Hinata asks him. “Kageyama please just listen to me, where are you—”
“I’m leaving.” Kageyama says. “I’ll sleep at a hotel for now. I’ll come back tomorrow to get my things.”
“Things, what things?” Hinata asks as he watches Kageyama pull his clothes from their drawer and stuffs them into his bag. “What are you talking about, Kageyama.”
“I’m done, Hinata.” He tells him as he shoves t-shirts into his duffel. He doesn’t even look at his husband as he speaks. His voice doesn’t betray any emotion, but Hinata feels the hurt piercing through his heart anyway. “I’m just tired.”
“Tired of what?"
“Of this!” Kageyama says, exploding. “We haven’t been okay for a while and you know it, and that’s why you did this, right? I get it, I’m always out, I haven’t been home, I haven’t been paying you any attention, but I wanted to make this work.”
“Kageyama what the fuck are you saying?” Hinata asks, his voice so broken, hitching, and Kageyama feels like complete shit but it’s not my fault. None of this is my fault, he whispers.
“What the f—Fine. You want to explain? Explain away, because that’s what Hinata fucking Shouyou is good at, right? He’s good at explaining things. He’s good at getting out of fights.”
Something inside Hinata snaps, and before he coul stop himself he utters the words that he knows later on he would regret.
“Fine.”
“Fine what?”
“Yes, I did cheat. The photo is real. I just finished kissing Atsumu-san.”
The chain wrapped around Kageyama’s heart tightens until finally he can’t feel the pain anymore. He chuckles, an empty sound leaving his lips. It was more of a resigned breath than anything.
“I knew it.” He says. He finishes packing his bags, all while Hinata stands by the door, watching him with blank eyes.
He isn’t even crying anymore. Kageyama thinks. Fucking pathetic. Fucking liar.
He walks out the door and into the foyer. Hinata follows slowly after him, still reeling from the shock that’s only started to register in his head.
I want to hurt him. The voice inside Kageyama’s head whispers. I want to hurt him so bad, the way he hurt me. More than he hurt me.
So he says the only thing he knows that would break Hinata more than any other word could. More than anything else he could do ever will.
“I want a divorce.” He says, and he walks out and slams the door behind him.
--
Day 22
Ushijima takes one look at Kageyama’s face and doesn’t say a word, and Kageyama’s thankful for that. He spends half the practice spiking balls angrily into the other side of the court, and it wasn’t until he hits Hoshiumi on the shoulder—hard enough to bruise and bench him for the rest of the game—that his coach tells him to get out of practice and cool off before he hurts anyone else.
He enters the locker room, anger clouding his mind, and he almost calls Hinata when he remembers the picture and the events that transpired last night and he loses it. He punches his locker, the sound of his knuckles hitting the metal loud against the silent room. He sobs, and then he sobs, and then he pulls himself together, enough that when his teammates come back inside they could all pretend that they didn’t hear him.
--
Day 25
Where he was sad the first few days he is now angry. He just couldn’t fathom why Hinata did what he did.
Does he even love me? Kageyama thought, focusing on this question to ignore the burning in his lungs as he runs faster and faster, like he could run away from his problems if he was just a little bit quicker, a little bit further ahead.
Did he think of me when they kissed? He asks himself. Why would he do this to me? How could he do this to me?
He gets no answers, of course. And being that he doesn’t want to see Hinata ever again, he doesn’t think he ever will.
--
1 month and 1 day
The pain for Hinata doesn’t subside. It did not quell when Kageyama walked out of their apartment (and out of his life), and it did not quell the morning after, when Yamaguchi had dropped by and found him asleep on the floor, facing the foyer as if he was waiting for Kageyama to come home all night (he was). It didn’t quell when not a single one of Kageyama’s teammates answered his call. And it most certainly remained when after a few days, he finds that his husband had changed his number, just to get away from him.
“You believe me, right, Yamaguchi?” He asks for the third time, staring at Yachi’s garden from where he’s sitting on the porch. “You know I’d never do that to him.”
“Then why did you tell him that you did?” Yamaguchi asks him as he sips his tea. The ringing of the windchimes are loud against the silence, and Hinata’s mind wanders, back to that night he lost his husband for good. And he says for good, because he thinks that he’s been losing Kageyama for a while now.
“I don’t—I don’t know.” Hinata replies finally. “I don’t really know things anymore.”
Yamaguchi does not reply. Hinata silently thanks him for it.
--
2 months and 1 day
Like most things in Hinata’s life, Kageyama doesn’t come back. He’s tried everything, but Kageyama has always had this uncanny ability of staying away and hiding from him. So he redirects his energy elsewhere, knowing that Kageyama would come back to him when he’s ready. Instead, he repaints their bedroom.
Up, and down. Up, and then down. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. Hinata allows his head to get lost in the methodical rhythm of the paint roller against the walls. The paint fumes permeate the room, and Hinata belatedly thinks about opening a window just so he doesn’t die from the smell when a voice catches his attention.
“Hinata, you’ve got mail.” Yamaguchi calls from the living room. He drops the paintbrush and wipes his hand off his trousers.
“Who’s it from? If it’s just the bank throw it out. I have them on my emails anyway.”
He gets no answer. He walks out the bedroom and watches Yamaguchi standing beside the couch, his hand covering his mouth.
“Yamaguchi? Who’s it from?”
“It’s from Kageyama.” Yamaguchi whispers.
Hinata instantly rushes towards Yamaguchi, snatching the envelope quickly from his hands. He rips it, both careful as to not damage the contents and hurriedly because it’s been two months and this is it, Kageyama is finally reaching out to talk to him. And then maybe he could explain things, clear it out, and he’d come back and—
The hope dies as quickly as it appears.
“Hinata? Are you okay?” Yamaguchi asks Hinata. “What’s in it?”
“Divorce papers.” Hinata says, his voice hollow. Yamaguchi’s heart aches for his friend. “He’s signed them. He wants me to sign back.”
--
2 months and 20 days
“Thank you for meeting me.” Hinata says.
Kageyama doesn’t answer. He merely looks out the coffee shop’s window, like Hinata isn’t even there.
“How have you been?” Hinata tries again. “I went to your game the other day. You guys played really well. I would have met you at the locker rooms but I didn’t know hwo you would react, especially with your team there so I—”
“Why are we here, Hinata?” Kageyama finally says, his eyes cold as they pin Hinata down. “Have you signed the papers?”
“That’s—Divorce, Kageyama, really?” Hinata asks him. “We can work this out if you would just let me explain—”
“Explain what, Hinata? What else is there left to say? You said so yourself. You cheated. What else do we have to talk about?”
“Everything, Kageyama. Just listen to me, okay? Can you do that for me?”
“No.” Kageyama replies firmly. “No, I can’t because I am so tired, Hinata. Tired of this life, tired of being held back, tired of you.”
“Held b—what? What do you mean?”
Kageyama leans forward on the table as he pulls an envelope from the bag eh was carrying. He opens the envelope, pulls papers out and hands them to Hinata. Hinata reads the contents and his eyes bulge.
“Italy, Kageyama? Wow. Oh my god.”
“Yeah, Italy.” Kageyama laughs hollowly. “I’ve been putting this off, you know. Because of you.”
“Why?” Hinata asks. He traces Kageyama’s signature at the bottom of the final page.
“Because I loved you.” Kageyama says desperately. “Because I didn’t want to leave you in Japan. Because I didn’t want to be the husband who leaves his partner at home while he goes on tour all over the world. Because I didn’t want you lonely.”
“I—Kageyama, I would have wanted this for you.” Hinata stares at him, tears in his eyes. “I still want this for you.”
“No you didn’t, and that’s why you had to cheat, right?” Kageyama snorts. “None of this is the life that you want.”
“Kageyama.” Hinata breathes out.
“Look, just sign the papers.” Kageyama says as he takes the contract from Hinata’s hands. He puts them back inside the envelope and then stands up. “I’ll be leaving in a couple of months. You can keep our apartment.” He takes his ring from his pocket, and he takes a few seconds to look at it, takes a few seconds to remember how Hinata slid it against his ring finger when he said “I do” three years ago. “Mail them to Tsukishima when you’re done. He’ll file them himself.”
Hinata speaks before he could walk away.
“Do you really want this?”
“Want what?”
“Divorce. Do you not love me anymore?”
Kageyama sighs. “I love you so much, Hinata. You have no idea how much I love you. But loving is not trusting, and I don’t trust you anymore. Not after what you did.”
Hinata chuckles wetly. “Huh. And I held you back? Did you ever think that? Three years. We’ve been married three years. Do you really think that I held you back?”
No, you didn’t. You never did. You never could.
“Yes. You did. Goodbye, Hinata.”
--
3 months and 1 day
“He really wants to divorce me, Yamaguchi.” Hinata says, his voice empty of emotion, absentmindedly strring the spoon inside the coffee cup Yamaguchi gave him.
“So what are you gonna do about it? Just let him divorce you?”
“I don’t know. He wants out. What more can I do?”
“I don’t know. Tell him the truth, maybe?” Yamaguchi supplies as he sits beside his friend.
“What truth.” Hinata laughs. “I cheated and I held him back. There’s nothing more to it.”
“But you didn’t cheat, right? And you never could have held him back. All you ever did was want the best for Kageyama.”
Hinata sobs, the tears he was holding at bay finally falling down. “But that’s not what he thinks, Yama. I’m dead weight.”
In the years that they have known each other, Yamaguchi has only seen Hinata in three states. Happy, angry, and ridiculously focused on volleyball. There was nothing that could break Hinata, and up until now he held on to that belief. This? This was brand new to him. This was different. This Hinata is broken. Yamaguchi doesn’t know what to do with this Hinata.
“So what are you going to do now, Hinata?” Yamaguchi asks softly as he presses a soft kiss on top of his friend’s hair.
“I don’t know. Travel, maybe? I need to get away for a while. Everything about Japan hurts.”
“Where would you go?”
Hinata wipes his tears, and then his nose, and then he tries to think about all the places in the world that is as far away from Japan as possible.
Suddenly, his mind supplies a memory hidden so deep he had almost forgotten it. The smell of meat buns and boiling tea invade his senses as he remembers conversations between coaches and teammates and one Kozume Kenma.
“Brazil.” Hinata finally says. “I’ve always wanted to go to Brazil.”
--
5 months and 1 day
In the three months since he last saw Hinata, Kageyama had been nothing but productive. He still hasn’t gotten back the divorce papers, but he ignored that in favor of arranging his travel documents and communicating with his future team. Beneath the pain and confusion and the anger of the past couple of months Kageyama had found a morsel of excitement. It was a new chapter in his life. He was allowed to be happy about it. Even just a little bit. Even if it’s a chapter without Hinata in it.
Hinata, Hinata, Hinata. Kageyama would be lying if he said he didn’t think of him. there were times where he’d find himself hovering over Hinata’s number. His finger ready to press the call button. He had changed his number some months ago, Hinata won’t even know that it’s him calling. He just wanted to hear Hinata’s voice. Know that he’s okay. That he’s alive, still.
Beyond anything else, Kageyama is a martyr. It does not show, but all his life, ever since he met Hinata, all he’d ever wanted was for him to be happy. And Kageyama won’t lie. He was hurt by what Hinata did, and he was angry at the fact that Hinata had thrown it all away like it was nothing all while Kageyama had been trying to preserve it, but deep down he thinks that maybe, he had been holding Hinata back. Maybe he was the one who was tying him down. Maybe, somewhere along the way, Hinata had lost all love for him and simply wanted to move on.
It doesn’t justify what he did, but at least it explains it, and Kageyama is nothing if not accepting of explanations—no matter how shitty they could be.
He locks the gym. He promised coach he wouldn’t stay there too long, and he wanted to be as nice as possible in his last few months in Japan. He wanted to leave them nice things—he doesn’t want to be the ex-teammate everyone hated and was glad to see go.
Preoccupied as he was, Kageyama fails to notice the man exiting a car behind im. He doesn’t notice the man walking towards him, and he doesn’t notice the man waiting for him to turn around once he finishes locking. So preoccupied, that when he finally turns around and sees a hulking man behind him Kageyama does what any sane person would do when it senses danger.
He throws a punch.
His fist hits the man squarely in the jaw, and Kageyama prepares to as the man buckles in pain when he pauses at the familiarity of the voice. He takes a cautious step forward and notes the blonde hair, a feature he did not notice before he threw the punch.
He doesn’t regret it though, because standing in front of him is Miya Atsumu.
--
“Jesus fucking Christ. You sure throw a good punch Kageyama-kun.”
“What the fuck are you doing here.” Kageyama asks, anger evident in his voice. “Get the fuck out before I call the guards.”
“Would you fucking relax for a minute? The guards at the gate let me in. I called in earlier, said I was waiting for you.”
Kageyama sneers. “I don’t want to see you or talk to you, so get out of here and leave me alone.”
“Hinata didn’t cheat on you, okay?” Atsumu says as Kageyama walks away, stopping the other boy in his tracks.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Hinata didn’t cheat on you. With me of all people. I don’t know where you got it from, but he would never cheat on you.”
“He admitted to it, Atsumu-san.” Kageyama laughs out mockingly. “So if he put you up to this, or if someone else did, just remind them that Hinata admitted to it.”
“Why would he cheat on you, Kageyama. Think about it? Why would he do it?”
“Because he doesn’t love me anymore, okay?” He spits out angrily. “So just go. Fucking leave already and never ever show your face to me again.”
“Hinata wouldn’t cheat on you because I’m married, Kageyama.
Kageyama stops. His breath catches in his throat.
“What did you say?” He says, turning around to face Atsumu. A bruise has already begun forming on his face, and Kageyama would gloat except his gaze catches on the golden ring glinting against Atsumu’s finger.
“I’m married. My husband was with me that night. You’ve got this all wrong.”
--
Kageyama remembers the first stupid thing he’s ever been aware of that he’s done. He had been eight years old and he had gotten angry at Miwa for some reason, God knows what, and he decided—consumed as he was with anger—that he was not above petty revenge.
He took his grandpa’s scissors and began stabbing at Miwa’s volleyball. Except, because it was a ball, the ball merely rolled away and Kageyama had nicked his palm instead. His cries had alerted his grandfather, who after taking him to the hospital to get stitches had severely warned him about the dangers of playing with scissors and letting your anger get the best of you.
Evidently, Kageyama hadn’t learned. And now, he thinks that it might have costed him his entire life.
“I did kiss him, yes, but it was a kiss on the cheek.” Miya—no, Sakusa Atsumu, fucking Sakusa Atsumu, told him once again, his hand still cradling his bruised jaw. “Fuck Omi is gonna kill me for this. Fuck you, Kageyama, honestly. Omi and I met up with Hinata that night. Now I know I’m stupid, but Omi and I had just gotten married some months before, and I ain’t fucking stupid enough to cheat on my husband right in front of him.”
“But he—” Kageyama breathes out. “He said so himself. He had cheated.”
“You saw the picture and ran with it.” Atsumu says, leveling him with a glare so severe Kageyama thinks he can actually feel a knife sliding against his face. “You saw the picture and immediately thought he was cheating.”
“I—it was the only available reason.”
“No, it was the only available reason that you wanted to believe in. He didn’t cheat on you. He fucking couldn’t. I spent that entire night listening to him talk about you. Even the sad shit.”
“Wh—what?” Kageyama asks. His brain has turned into nothing but mush. He doesn’t know what else to say. Nothing he could ever say would fix what he’s done.
“Sad shit? You know, the bits no one fucking hears about anyone’s marriage. Said you’d been away all the time, ignoring him and stuff. Cried once or twice too, the fucking kid. Don’t know why he married you if all you were gonna do was make him sad like that.”
“Why would he say it then? That he cheated. He said. He. He said he’d never lie to me.”
“I don’t fucking know, Tobio-kun. Why do people lie to the people they love? To protect them? To make them happy? Maybe he was giving you an out. Maybe he saw you were unhappy and decided that he wasn’t gonna make you unhappy any longer.”
Kageyama swallows against the clawing sensation in his throat. His eyes begin to water, and his mind floods with images of Hinata in the months before. His cheeks sunken and his eyes dead. He thinks back to that night, and he could almost punch himself when he remembers that Hinata had begged him multiple times to let him explain. To let him talk.
And what did he do? He left. He left and then he divorced him.
And face it. The evil voice inside him that has been taking up so much room ever since he moved out and moved on. You wanted that out. You took the chance and ran with it, didn’t you? It was your chance to start again. To build a fresh new life with a fresh new career. You didn’t want the dead weight and so you believed him. Didn’t even give him the chance to speak.
“How do you know all this?” Kageyama asks.
“Kid called me a week ago, told me he was sorry. Asked him for what and said “I’m sorry for when you go back to Japan and your reputation is in shambles.” I had asked around and boom, found out that you thought I was a damn homewrecker.”
Atsumu stands up after a few moments, deciding that he’s had enough and that he wants to go home to his husband now, actually, where he was waiting for him with an ice pack and a bowl of his favorite soup ready to comfort him. He places a hand on Kageyama’s shoulder; to comfort him or pity him, he doesn’t know.
“I’m sorry, Kageyama-kun. But I only just found out about this shit. If I had known sooner, I would have said something, ya know? Anyway, I gotta go. Omi’s waiting for me and just. Take care of yourself, right? Collect your thoughts and give the kid a call.”
Atsumu leaves, no final glance, no looking back. This was not his problem anymore, and he caresses his sore jaw as he begins his trek back home to his husband.
Inside the coffee shop, a boy sits with his head hanged low. His mind is turning against him, supplying him of all the images it could of Hinata. Of how much he had hurt his husband. Of how stupid he had been. He remembers the incident with the scissors all over again, except this time the cost was too big, and this time there is no fixing things.
Ten thousand miles away, on the other side of the globe, another boy opens the door to his new apartment. His new life. He had just come back from the post office, a letter on its way to Japan as of the very moment of his stepping into the apartment he will from now on, at least temporarily, call his home.
--
5 months and 10 days
“Look, Tsukishima, can you just ask Yamaguchi again if he knows where Hinata is, please.”
Tsukishima sighs. “And like I told you before, I already asked him. Ten times already. His answer remains the same. He doesn’t know.”
“Tsukishima, please.”
“Look, can’t you ask anyone else? How about Yachi-san. She should know. She’s closer to Sho than Tadashi is.”
Kageyama mumbles. “She doesn’t want to talk to me.”
“And who’s fault is that?!” Tsukishima says before he could help himself. Both sides of the line fall silent after that, and Tsukishima sighs when Kageyama doesn’t say anything.
“Look, I won’t sugarcoat this for you because you don’t deserve it. He’s gone. We don’t know where he is. He told us nothing. I didn’t even see him at all during this. Tadashi has, yes, but even he doesn’t know where Hinata went. Why don’t you ask someone else, Kageyama, because you can’t keep disturbing us like this any longer.”
Kageyama is not stupid enough to believe that Yamaguchi doesn’t know. Of course Yamaguchi knows. He has known everything about Hinata ever since second year and the two had gotten closer, bonding over being in the same elective class. But he also wasn’t stupid enough to press further when Tsukishima is already angry like this. Tsukishima has done nothing but help him ever since he had knocked on his door some nights ago, drunk of his ass and talking about how much he fucked up.
He was stupid, but not stupid enough to lose his friends too. Not when he’s already lost the man he loves.
“Okay, thanks anyway Tsukishima.” He says. Before he could hang up, Tsukishima tells him to talk to Akaashi-san, ask him if he maybe knows where Hinata is. He thanks Tsukishima before grabbing his keys and hurriedly leaving his rented apartment. He takes a look at the clock. 11 AM. If he hurries, he can catch the former Fukurodani setter just as he’s leaving the building.
--
“Look, Kageyama, I don’t know what happened between you and Hinata but I really can’t help you. I don’t know here he is.”
“Just an address, Akaashi-san, please. Or a vague location. Anything that could narrow things down for me. I went back to our apartment and he wasn’t there, none of his things were.”
“If he doesn’t want to be found then shouldn’t you be respecting that?” Akaashi asks him matter-of-factly. “In fact, I think you should just leave him alone.”
“I can’t.” He tells the older man. “I can’t because I don’t want to lose him any more than I already have.”
“Isn’t it too late for that?” Akaashi asks him, no malice in his voice. It still hurts Kageyama all the same.
“Then can I see him?”
Akaashi stops walking and looks at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Is he in his office right now? I didn’t want to cause a scene so I didn’t go up, but can I see him then? Is he still working? He must be, right? He was editing that book, right?”
“Oh, Kageyama.” Akaashi says, this time his voice is laced with pity.
“What? What is it? Did he move departments? That’s fine, I could just ask around.”
Akaashi sighs and places a hand on Kageyama’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I thought you knew. He resigned a month ago, Kageyama. I’m so sorry.”
Kageyama could do nothing but nod and watch as Akaashi walks away. He stays rooted in his spot for a while, contemplating things and hoping that he was wrong.
See, ever since he found out the truth Kageyama had begun considering two things. One is that Hinata would be waiting for him. At their apartment or at a friend’s house or maybe even at a hotel. And although Hinata would be mad, with this scenario he would at least have the chance to talk. Maybe see a marriage counselor, maybe live in the same roof again, maybe rebuild the trust and the love between them.
The other thing, the one he dreaded the most, was Hinata leaving Japan and his life for good. Hinata had always been nothing if not stubborn. And Japan would have reminded Hinata too much of Kageyama. He would have moved out, started a new life completely clean and new and without attachments. He would have kept in touch with a few friends and that was it. Hinata would have left and not told him, and because Kageyama was leaving for Italy soon he knew that Kageyama wouldn’t ask around for him. Wouldn’t even know he was gone.
This was the one Kageyama dreaded the most, of course. But then Hinata hadn’t sent the divorce papers back yet, and because of that Kageyama had held on to the hope that Hinata was still somewhere here. Far away but nearer than being in a country thousands of miles away, in a land Kageyama knew nothing about.
And so he went home. And then he hoped. And then, when he slept, he promised himself that he would continue searching again tomorrow.
But the thing about hope is that it’s fragile, and it is only so long before it gets broken.
--
6 months and 1 day
“You have mail, by the way.” Tsukishima says as he sits on the chair in front of Kageyama’s table.
“If it’s fan mail just put it in with the other mail. I’ll read them tomorrow.” He drawls monotonously.
Tsukishima hesitates. “I-It’s from Hinata.”
The steady scratching of the pen against paper stops. Kageyama lifts his gaze from the table to Tsukishima. No emotions cross his friend’s face, and he wonders if he should even open the letter or not.
But isn’t this what I have been waiting for all this time?
“Does it have a-“
“No.” Tsukishima cuts him off. “It doesn’t have a return address.”
“Oh.”
The clock ticks slowly on the background, and every second that passes feels like a heavy rock is added on the already humungous pile sitting on top of Kageyama’s heart. Wordlessly, and with a tremor, he lifts his hand and takes the letter from Tsukishima. He takes a deep breath. In, and then out. He looks at his name written in bold strokes at the back of the envelope. He traces it, thinking about how Hinata might have written it.
Was he crying? Was he sad? Does he hate me so much now? He gets no answer to his questions.
He grabs his letter opener and cuts the envelope cleanly with one stroke. When his eyes land on the folded pad of white paper inside, suddenly, he knows.
“You know, you don’t have to read that.” Tsukishima speaks up from where he is seated. He flits his gaze to his friend. “As your lawyer, I can handle any of your legal documents.” Tsukishima swallows, choosing his words carefully. “Especially this document.”
“I have to read this.” He whispers brokenly. “I want to.” He takes a deep breathe. “I have to know.”
He closes his eyes and then counts to ten. When he opens his eyes Tsukishima isn’t looking at him anymore, and he finds that he’s already unfolded the paper from the envelope. He reads.
And then, after a while, he leans back.
“What did he say?” Tsukishima asks after a few moments of silence. “Is he coming back?”
“He signed them.” Kageyama says, his voice so silent Tsukishima had to lean forward just to hear him.
“What?”
“He signed them.” Kageyama repeats.
“Oh. Oh, Kageyama.” Tsukishima says, pity in his eyes. “I’m so—”
“I’m not married anymore.” Kageyama says in disbelief. “He’s not married to me anymore. He doesn’t want me anymore.”
“Kageyama just calm down.”
“He doesn’t—He—I—I don’t,” he says, clutching his chest. He barely sees Tsukishima moving to stand beside him, barely feels as his friend tries to console him. The whole world seems to collpase around him as the one thing he’s been dreading all this time has finally come true. He tries to untie his necktie—it’s the one Hinata got him for Christmas a year ago—and he tries to breathe but he couldn’t.
He doesn’t think he can ever breathe anymore. Not after this.
--
Dear Bakageyama-kun,
It’s been quite a while, hasn’t it? How are you? How’s your final game as a member of the Adlers? I watched your game, you know. You played so well. I am so proud of you.
This letter will have no return address. I am not doing this out of malice. I simply want to tell you a few things, and I find that it is better for me to get this out if I knew that you had no way of getting back to me.
When you read this letter you might already know the truth. Like I told you, I would never ever cheat on you. I could never do that to you, and it hurts me so much that you firmly jumped to this conclusion without even hearing me out first. I am sorry for lying to you. I will always regret this. But that night, when you confronted me, and when you immediately jumped to that conclusion I froze. I panicked. I wanted to hurt you so badly. And so I said it. And then, when I came to, when I told myself that I wanted to clear things up you were already ignoring me. That's my fault, I know, but it still hurt that you would actually believe me. And then you gave me the divorce papers and suddenly, you told me I was holding you back.
But more than any of that, I am sorry that this has to be the out for you. Even more than that, I am sorry for holding you back. I never meant to, Kageyama. I want you to know this. I never, ever, not in a million years would have held you back. All my life I have only ever wanted great things for you, and if me being out of your life is the only way for you to chase them then so be it. Have fun in Italy. I know you will do great things there.
I love you, Kageyama. I think I always will. I know I always will. I hope, in your heart, you will find love again for me too. You have changed my life in all the ways that matter, and I am thankful to have met you and have been with you even for such a short time. Deep inside my heart, even as I sign the papers that come with this letter, I will always be Kageyama-Hinata Shouyou, and you will always be Kageyama Tobio, my love, my rival, my partner, and the only person who has ever made me feel like I could fly.
I love you, Kageyama. And I’m sorry.
May we meet again someday.
Love,
Hinata Shouyou