Chapter Text
Hanzo was sitting, cross legged, on one of the couches in the common area holding a cup of tea and watching as Jesse told a story.
The cowboy was telling it as much with his hands as with his mouth. Everyone who was listening was listening with rapt attention.
Hanzo wasn't listening to the story so much as he was watching Jesse. He had been on base for close to a year now and even though everyone here was friendly towards him, his attentions had gotten stuck on the cowboy.
Hanzo was aware whenever Jesse was in the same room and where in the room he was because he couldn't help watching him out of the corner of his eye.
The cowboy talked a lot and in the past people who wouldn’t shut up just led to irritate Hanzo, but not Jesse. When Jesse started talking and didn't take a breath for a good two minutes Hanzo found it endearing.
This absolutely baffled him and it was something that had Hanzo's curiosity peaked.
Being asexual, Hanzo didn’t frequently find himself wanting to get too close to others and he had never felt this way towards anyone else before, of any gender, and so Hanzo didn't quite know what to make of the emotions Jesse was causing him to feel.
Hanzo found himself spending more and more time with Jesse trying to figure out what these emotions were and where they stemmed from.
He found himself wanting to talk with Jesse. Hanzo couldn't remember going out of his way to talk to anyone, except his brother, so wanting to get to know the cowboy didn't make any sense.
The flirting didn't make any sense either. Jesse flirted with everyone, Hanzo knew because he ended up watching Jesse whenever he was in the archer's line of sight, most of the time subconsciously. So, when Jesse would throw flirty remarks at Hanzo it shouldn't have had any effect on him, but it did.
Hanzo had been hit on before, mostly when he went out to bars with Genji back at Hanamura. Hanzo knew he was attractive. Not in a narcissistic way but after you’ve been told enough times by strangers it tends to stick and every time it was just a burden. Something to be dismissed and forgotten. But not this. Hanzo didn't think he'd ever want to forget anything about Jesse.
Jesse's story was winding down but his energy didn’t falter. This wasn't the first one of Jesse's stories Hanzo had heard and the archer had quickly realized Jesse had a knack for telling them. Watching him tell stories was one of Hanzo's favorite things to do as of late. Hell, watching him do anything was one of Hanzo's favorite things to do as of late.
Jesse's story ended with a raucous round of applause and whooping, even a whistle or two. Jesse bowed deeply as he chuckled at the attention. As everyone got back to their own thing Jesse came over and plopped himself next to Hanzo.
Hanzo could feel his cheeks redden just slightly at the cowboy’s proximity and this was a reaction Jesse, and Jesse alone, could rouse from him. He couldn't remember the last time he blushed when someone got too close. Usually close proximity just resulted in an "accidental" elbow to the ribs.
"Evenin' Hanzo, didja like my story?"
Hanzo took another sip from his mug to calm himself before speaking, "yes, I quite enjoyed it. I think my favorite part was when you fell off the roof."
Jesse laughed deep and genuine, "I figured that'd be your favorite part," Hanzo smiled into his mug as Jesse's laughing quieted.
They sat quietly for a moment before Jesse started talking again. Hanzo was enjoying spending this time with Jesse and only realized how long they’d been talking when he looked up and noticed most everyone else had left the room. He looked at the clock on the wall and noted the time, it was late, and he needed to get to sleep soon.
Hanzo found himself reluctant to tell Jesse goodnight but once he could get a word in, he did so anyway. Jesse let out a surprised ‘oh’ when Hanzo told him what time it was. Both men stood, stretching tight muscles. Hanzo made his way into the kitchen to rinse out his mug and Jesse followed, waiting for him so they could both head down to the private quarters.
They wound their way through the corridors and Jesse tipped his hat and told Hanzo goodnight when they had to go their separate ways. The corridor seemed too quiet as Hanzo made the short walk to his room.
Hanzo's mind was buzzing as he tried to sort out everything with Jesse while he readied for bed. Hanzo considered Jesse a friend, that was obvious with how much time they spent together, but he got this feeling that 'friends' wasn’t quite the right word.
He thought about Genji and how close they were. Hanzo would consider his brother his one true friend, with the exception of his dragons, but every now and then Hanzo didn’t even want to be around Genji.
That feeling had yet to crop up with Jesse and the cowboy talked even more than Genji did.
The cowboy was causing him to feel things. Emotions that Hanzo was unfamiliar with. Emotions he couldn’t hope to parse out on his own.
The sleepy archer wasn’t sure what to do about these emotions and the man causing them but he headed to bed anyway. Hopefully, a new day and a bright mind would bring more enlightening ideas.
~~~
The next morning Hanzo was sitting in the kitchen drinking tea and reading the paper when Jesse walked in. Hanzo had figured out a while back that Jesse was quieter in the mornings. On most days, Jesse would come in and sit next to Hanzo while he quietly ate his breakfast.
Today was much the same.
Jesse leaned up against the counter next to the toaster while he waited for his frozen waffles to pop up. He sipped his coffee and asked if there was anything interesting in the paper. Hanzo read off a few of the headlines as the cowboy came to sit next to the archer, hands full with his coffee and plate of waffles. Jesse made a hum of acknowledgment, then proceeded to eat his waffles quietly.
Jesse was looking over Hanzo's shoulder reading something on the side of the paper closest to him when Genji came into the kitchen a few minutes later. Though Genji liked to wait for Dr. Ziegler before he ate breakfast, he often came down in the mornings to sit with Hanzo and do crosswords. Greeting both men, Genji took a seat across from Hanzo.
Jesse finished up his waffles and excused himself. Hanzo watched as he left, and after he was gone, the archer noticed Genji looking at him.
"Good morning, brother" Hanzo greeted him.
The younger Shimada continued to stare him down, expression looking vaguely amused if a bit concerned. Folding up the paper Hanzo turned his full attention to his brother, "is something wrong?"
"Why haven't you pushed Jesse away?" Straight to the point as always. The elder Shimada could only stare at his sibling, that was the same thing he’d been asking himself. Genji wasn’t dumb and he knew about his brother's asexuality. He knew his brother didn't do personal relationship if he could help it.
"Usually if someone was paying you this much attention, you’d be putting up walls and making sure they knew their place. Yet I walk into the kitchen and Jesse's chin is practically on your shoulder while you two read from the same paper.”
Hanzo turned his gaze down to the table focusing on the paper in front of him, “this isn't even the first time I've noticed you getting cozy with Jesse. Lately you two are hanging out all the time, watching movies, talking, training, we don’t even spend as much time together and I'm your brother!" Genji ended with a chuckle.
Hanzo sat and stared, unseeing, at the paper on the table, it was like Genji was reading off a script that had come right out of the older Shimada’s anxious thoughts.
Hanzo sighed "I see what you are saying, I have been asking myself the same things over the last few weeks. I do not know why I am acting this way with Jesse. I do not understand why I am so comfortable in his presence.”
Hanzo's voice began to take on an anxious edge as he continued, "I enjoy talking to him and I enjoy just how much he talks. I like when we can spend time together and when he sits too close to me. Every time he touches me its soothing instead of irritating and I just do not know what is going on with me. I have never felt this way about anyone before,” the elder Shimada looked slightly frantic, looking to his brother hoping for answers.
Hanzo rubbed a hand across his eyes before looking at his brother again, expression more in check now. Genji regarded him coolly, a thoughtful look on his scarred face. Hanzo waited for him to say something.
"Have you considered that you might have a crush on Jesse?"
Hanzo let out a scoff, "that is absurd, brother. I do not like anyone except you and my dragons. I have never had a crush in my life."
Genji's voice sounded amused, "and yet I come down here to find you quietly sitting next to Jesse McCree instead of me."
Hanzo's brow furrowed as he looked down at the table. Genji stood up, "it looks like you have some thinking to do. I'll be in Training Room C with Angie if you need to talk to me about anything else." Collecting up his crossword book Genji bowed to his brother before turning towards the door and heading out, leaving Hanzo alone with his newspaper and his thoughts.
Hanzo set to cleaning up his area before heading back to his room. He’s got new information to work through and he doesn’t want any distractions. He makes his way through the corridors on autopilot and as his door slides closed behind him, he sits on the edge of his bed.
Almost immediately two small, slender, blue dragons scamper across the bed to rub up against Hanzo and demand attention. The archer pets them absentmindedly as he starts to pick apart what Genji had said.
A crush? On Jesse McCree? That's just not possible.
Hanzo wasn't lying when he said he had never had a crush in his life. He’d never found anyone he wanted to be around for any length of time.
Once he had accepted his asexuality, he’d decided that he was going to live out the rest of his days with just himself and his Dragons. He didn't want or need a relationship of any kind, except the one he had rekindled with his brother.
Hanzo had tried his hand at romantic relationships when he was still part of the Shimada Clan back in Hanamura. He’d had many dates and not one of the women he went out with interested him in any way, romantically or otherwise. After the tenth or so woman that he never wanted to see again Hanzo started to get concerned.
He didn't understand why he felt this way towards his dates. Genji and most of the other clan members went out regularly and would come back bragging about having slept with their dates. Hanzo didn't even want to be in the same room as his dates, let alone the same bed. He was starting to worry that maybe there was something wrong with him.
Hanzo pushed through his feelings, he was determined that he needed to be more like his brother and the other men, he was the Shimada heir after all, he had a duty to the Clan.
He went out several more times and even went as far as to invite two of the women back to his home. Both times they ended up half naked on the couch with Hanzo’s anxiety through the roof and him frozen in a panic attack.
Their lips felt wrong on his mouth, on his skin and their hands, which were supposed to be soft caressing touches from what everyone else said, made his skin crawl. Though this only happened twice and neither woman had been cruel about it, word still managed to get back to his father.
To say the man wasn’t impressed was an understatement.
After that, his father’s incessant berating and reminders that he was going to have to produce an heir got so bad that Hanzo paid off a woman to spread rumors that she had slept with him. It wasn’t perfect but it got his father to stop for a while.
When his father informed him that he had found a suitable wife for him, Hanzo was equal parts relieved and terrified. He was relieved because he would soon start courting his bride-to-be and they would be expected to wait until the wedding night to consummate the marriage. However, the wedding would happen eventually and so he would have to lie with her, even if it was against his will as it was his duty as the Shimada heir.
Before he was to start courting his bride-to-be his father thought it would be a great idea to give Hanzo, Genji, and several of their closest Clan Members and all-expense paid trip to the Gentleman’s Club in town. A sort of, last night as a bachelor kind of thing.
Hanzo went along with it, to appease his father, but had plans of sneaking out once the other Clan Members were distracted. Hanzo tried to excuse himself but the other men forced him to stay. Said he was about to be a taken man, that his father insisted he pick a lady to take in for a private session.
They paid one of the dancers to take him to a private room. Again, he tried to leave but he couldn't, they all but pushed him into the room. Every time she touched him Hanzo felt like he was dying a little more and when she reached down to slip fingers into the waist of his pants he panicked and fled.
Of course, the clan members were confused and pissed at him for passing up such an opportunity. They relayed the events of the evening to his father immediately. Hanzo, who was still shaken from the experience at the club, was called to his father's quarters and berated for hours.
He was told he was broken, that there was something wrong with him, a hundred times in a hundred different ways.
He spent the rest of that night in his room with his Dragons, shattered but trying to keep the sobs quiet.
A lot of Hanzo’s time after the Gentleman’s Club was spent just trying to avoid everyone else, especially his father and betrothed, leaning into his Dragons for support.
After Hanzo left the Clan he learned about asexuality and it helped him tremendously. Over time Hanzo healed but the damage done by his father and the Clan was not so easily reversed and Hanzo had no one to talk to. Nobody to tell him that his father had been wrong about him.
Thankfully, he did have his Dragons, who stayed by his side through everything and with their support Hanzo came to accept himself.
With time, meditation, and his dragons Hanzo was at peace with who he was.
He no longer saw himself as broken or defective but still, he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship. Whether it was a choice all of his own or just another way for him to defy his father after their fall out he wasn’t sure.
This hadn't been a problem until recently. Up until a few months ago Hanzo was happy to live out the rest of his days, just him and his Dragons.
That was before he met Jesse McCree and his whole world flipped sideways.
Hanzo knew, now, what all of these unfamiliar feelings were. He knew that Genji was right. He’d developed his first crush and the term was accurate because he felt crushed. He knew he wasn't going to be able to enjoy Jesse's company in the easy, platonic way he had been anymore.
Entering into a romantic relationship with Jesse was out of the question. He wasn't going to force Jesse to be celibate just because Hanzo couldn’t handle sex. He refused to do that to him. Jesse deserved more than that.
On the other hand, he couldn’t cut Jesse out of his life completely either, the idea alone hurt too much.
Hanzo came to a decision then, he would continue to spend time with Jesse. He would just dial back his affections. Hanzo was sure the feelings would pass and they could settle into a wonderful friendship.
A friendship would be perfect, it was just like a relationship but with no sex.
Satisfied with his solution Hanzo headed off to see if Genji and Dr. Ziegler were still in Training Room C, even if they had already left Hanzo could stand to get some training of his own in, not to mention, it’d be a nice way to calm his frazzled mind.