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“AKAASHI!” The setter whipped his head around to meet the eyes of the Fukurodani captain and passed him the ball. He made an incredible line shot, as the whistle called the end of the second set. Akaashi Keiji wiped the sweat off his face and hunched over, exhausted from the day full of practice matches. He heard the Nekoma captain, Kuroo Testurou, loudly complain over having to do the loss penalty for the last game of the day. Akaashi smiled to himself as he heard Koutarou Bokuto’s notorious “HEY HEY HEY!” while high fiving everyone on the team. He truly is one of the best captains, no bias or anything. Akaashi felt a slap of a large hand on his back. He looked up to meet the mocha eyes of the captain and his goofy smile.
“Good work today Bokuto-san.” Akaashi handed Bokuto his water bottle, noticing his excitement still sticking around from his winning shot of the day.
“With you as a part of our team, Nationals will be a breeze!” Bokuto confidently laughed as he walked over to go bother Akinori Konoha, his fellow third year and wing spiker, to brag about getting the last point.
The looming thought of Nationals only made Akaashi feel a hole in his gut. It was the last time Bokuto and the rest of the third years could compete with the Fukurodani team.
It would be all your fault if we lose.
Akaashi shook off his anxious thoughts. It's been months since his last anxiety attack, and now was not the time to be getting anxious again.
You're the setter. You control the plays. You are going to fail him.
Nervously twiddling his fingers, Akaashi started to pace his breathing. In for six seconds, hold for seven, out for eight. He felt his heart slow down, and felt the control over his thoughts again.
“Akaashi, you coming?” Bokuto called out to the setter, when he realized he was the last one in the gym. Everyone had packed up and was ready to bathe before going to bed. It was one of the last days of the Tokyo training camp, and every team was feeling the exhaustion. Akaashi quickly picked up his gym bag and tagged along with the silver haired captain.
Bokuto was always someone that made Akaashi feel calm. It didn't make any sense, since Bokuto was always so energetic and outspoken, but somehow he felt a warm feeling whenever they were with each other. All other worries faded.
He’s gonna blame you, you know.
Akashi felt his feet go numb as his anxious thoughts returned stronger than ever. He grabbed the skin around his nails and pulled as he walked alongside Bokuto, only focusing on the floor and his breathing to calm himself down. He only snapped out of his trance when he felt another hand on his shoulder.
“I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick. I'll meet you inside!” Akaashi couldn't help but smile at the sincere joy emitting from his best friend. All Akaashi wanted was to be normal like Bokuto. To feel normal emotions, not get worked up over the slightest things to the point where he can't function anymore.
Too bad you’re always weighing him down.
Akaashi’s smile quickly flatlined as he muttered an “ok” and shuffled into the shared room he had with Bokuto. He shut the class door behind him and dropped his bag to the side of the entrance. Akaashi continued to pick at his fingers and go over his breathing exercises to calm himself down. The raven haired setter had no idea why this was happening to him all of a sudden, but all he wanted to do was stop it.
The room felt suffocating. He looked down at his hands, as blood started to trickle down from the constant picking and scratching. Akaashi would have to wrap his fingers later to not get a lecture from Bokuto. The last thing he wanted was for Bokuto to find out about his resurgence of anxiety.
You're such a burden on him. You're the reason why Bokuto wasted his third year in volleyball.
“No, stop. Please” Akaashi slumped into the corner of the room, leaning against the wall with his head in his hands. He twirled his hair in constant circles to try and distract himself from the impending attack, but to no avail, the thoughts continued to spiral.
The pressure of Nationals was too much for Akaashi. Too many things could go wrong with too many important factors at stake. Bokuto loves volleyball, he works so hard, and Akaashi would be the reason it ended.
Warm tears slowly started to welt in his eyes. Akaashi hated every moment of this, and was just waiting for everything to pass.
Weak.
“...Akaashi?” the setter’s eyes bolted up to meet those of the Fukurodani captain. Bokuto stood by the door, watching as Akaashi was curled up in the corner.
Akaashi froze. He was too deep in the attack to pretend like nothing was wrong, but he didnt want to bother Bokuto with his stupid problems, especially when they concern the team. He laid his head back down into his hands and stayed silent. He felt the presence of Bokuto in front of him, and looked back up to see him sitting inches away in front of him. Bokuto gently grabbed Akaashi’s trembling and bloody hands. Before Akaashi could make up an excuse as to why they were so beat up, he noticed Bokuto already had medical tape and was taping up his fingers.
“Akaashi Keiji’s Anxiety Symptoms #4:” Bokuto softly smiled as he finished taping up the last finger. “- he plays with his fingers when he has too much on his mind”. Akaashi stared absentmindedly at Bokuto, shocked as to what he was hearing. Bokuto held his trembling hands, now neatly bandaged, and looked down at them.
“Akaashi Keiji’s Anxiety Symptoms #16: he stares off into space more than usual” Bokuto looked up to lock eyes with the raven haired boy. The tears started to freely flow now, unsure how to react to what Bokuto was saying. Suddenly, Akaashi felt himself being pulled into Bokuto’s lap. His legs loosely wrapped around his torso as the captain pulled him into a tight hug.
“Akaashi Keiji’s Anxiety Symptom #1:” Bokuto softly spoke into Akaashi’s shoulder, rubbing his head with his hand. “- he avoids Bokuto whenever he's upset.”
The setter broke out into a sob. His entire body shook as he felt Bokuto hold him tighter, letting him get it all out of his system.
“It’s.. gonna be all my f-fault” Akaashi sobbed into Bokuto’s shoulder, not caring about holding anything back anymore.
“What’s gonna be your fault?” Bokuto softly spoke, continuing to rub his hand in circles around the small of Akaashi’s back to calm him down.
“If we lose.. It's my fault. I’ll let you all down. It's your last game and I'd be the one to end it.” Akaashi felt Bokuto’s hand stop mid circle. He pulled Akaashi back so that they were face to face. Akaashi quickly tried to rub the tears from his eyes, but Bokuto grabbed his hand and held it.
“Don’t… don’t ever talk about yourself like that.” Akaashi was slightly taken aback from the sudden shift in tone. “Volleyball is just a game, Akaashi. Even if we do lose Nationals, it'll just be fuel to the fire for when I go pro” Bokuto winked and chuckled before his face going serious again. This is the side of Bokuto Akaashi rarely sees. He always has a smile on his face, even when he was distracted during games. “I don't want you talking about yourself that way, Akaashi. We are a team. It is no one’s fault if we win or lose.” Bokuto held his hand on Akaashi’s face, rubbing the tears from his eyes.
“No matter what happens, I'm always going to be right by your side. No matter where we are or what is going on.” Akaashi’s eyes started to tear up again, except with love rather than anxious dread. Bokuto pulled Akaashi’s head closer to his and kissed him on the forehead.
“I'll make sure to watch all your games when you go pro.” Akaashi laughed into Bokuto’s chest as he felt the captain brighten up with glee.
“Then I’ll have to win every game for you.” Bokuto kissed the top of Akaashi’s head and grabbed his waist as he quickly stood up, carrying Akaashi along with him. Akaashi was shocked by the sudden gesture, but laughed anyway.
“We are the protagonists of the world” Akaashi mumbled into Bokuto’s shoulder.
“What was that?” Bokuto sat Akaashi down on the makeshift bed in the classroom as he grabbed shorts and one of his t-shirts for Akaashi to sleep in.
“Nothing, Bokuto-san.” the setter smiled, leaning his head on his hand as he watched Bokuto, knowing that this is the view he would have for the rest of his life.