Work Text:
INTERNAL REPORT: ADDENDUM A
Observation Code: ERR58005
Date: [REDACTED]
Time: [REDACTED]
Supplemental Account as to the events that occurred in [Internal Report: Obs Code ERR58008], as recalled by one Tillman Henderson, Involuntary Intern.
I don't know what it is I am supposed to write here. I didn't do anything. I was over at my desk, trying to keep busy despite zero direction. I didn't (and still don't) want to be here. But, I'm here, so... you're welcome.
Done.
I was told that it wasn't "a full accounting of my actions" and that I need to “write more.” Okay. Fine.
I was bored out of my skull. I sharpened some pencils and decided to pass the time by making a game of it. It was only a few pencils stuck up in the ceiling, not a big deal. I was going to take them down after work but then, you know, stuff happened and I didn't get to it. Is that a crime?
I'm being told that yes, vandalism is a crime. Well, that's just your opinion so…
There, done. I made an “accounting.”
Take a "full accounting" of my very long sigh. I don't know what more you want from me.
When I first entered this absolutely [REDACTED] office, I thought, "hey this might not be so bad." That opinion changed real quick. I don’t know how y'all manage to make a place so boring when the first thing you see is a LITERAL DRAGON, but ya do. Glass doors open right up to her, asleep on a pile of shoes and a bunch of office crap. There is so much paper in that pile, I was sure the whole office would be in flames before lunch. But NO. Not a single fire all day. Well, besides that one fire, but... it wasn't my fault or the receptionist’s. I would never throw her under the bus like that.
Anyway, I was going to wake the dragon to ask what's up when I interrupted by a… Kind of a [REDACTED] but also a [REDACTED]? They said their name was Patchwork and that they were a paralegal. They lead me down a long hall to an office. It was a smallish office flanked by two other, larger offices. There was a nameplate on one of the doors that said "ASSOCIATE SNEAKER PETE" and the other office [REDACTED] on it. Patchwork brought me to a tiny corner desk and said that they would be back with some tasks for me.
I watched as Patchwork walked over to their desk, located in front of Sneaker Pete's office. There was a fruit basket on their desk and I think they got distracted by an orange because they ate one whole, skin and everything, and then started playing the lute for a couple of dancing rats. After an hour or so I realized Patchwork wasn’t coming back and decided to make some busy work for myself while I thought of something to do.
And that was that.
Fine. I sharpened somewhere between 68 and 70 pencils and then flung them into the ceiling one by one. It didn’t seem like that many pencils and I didn’t know that the ceiling would come down or that there were bats living in the ceiling. But it did and then suddenly everything was on fire, there was some sort of demon crying in the bathroom, and the werewolf was trying to get me to apologise.
That’s about it.
Ugh. More detail?! I don’t know, I was flinging pencils when I heard a distinct AWOOO sound (def with three Os, not two) coming from the direction of the hallway. Patchwork got excited and went with the rats out into the hall to see what’s up. I threw the final pencil, something like the 68th or maybe the 70th, I don’t know, and it all came crashing down on my head. Bats poured down like the [REDACTED] sprinkler system was filled with bats. They were everywhere. Must have been like, a dozen or sixty. I heard that bats sometimes get tangled in hair so I very calmly ran into the hallway as fast as I could.
Of course, the bats came with me, so I yelled in order to alert everyone in the building as to the bat situation and for absolutely no other reason. Simple courtesy. I was not scared in the slightest, but some people are afraid of bats, I guess. Anyway, I guess my screams somehow summoned a demon because the floor opened up this portal to a hell dimension and a demon came out of it. I didn’t know what to do so I like, yelled at the demon and asked it if it had an appointment. A reasonable question, I think. I didn’t know that the demon didn’t understand me, okay. I wasn’t trying to upset it. So like, in the process of trying to communicate I might have started a small fire and the demon ran into the bathroom to get away from me.
So, that’s when Howell comes up from behind and was like “what are you doing” and “why is that on fire” and “why are there bats” and “why did you open up portal to a hell dimension” and I was like “I don’t know, there is a demon crying in the bathroom” and he was like “what did you do to make the demon cry” and I said “I don’t know he just did and it’s not my fault.”
So that’s what happened.