Work Text:
INTERNAL REPORT: ADDENDUM
Observation Code: ERR58005
Date: [REDACTED]
Time: [REDACTED]
Supplemental account as to the events that occurred in [Internal Report: Obs Code ERR58008], as recalled by one Howell Franklin, Werewolf Dad.
Note: Per the request of Mx. Franklin, in lieu of a written statement, his account was dictated to me, [REDACTED], and transcribed herein. Pronouns, per Mx. Franklin, are he/him and they/them. Therefore, I will attempt to use both in the following transcription.
Account of One Howell Franklin, Werewolf Dad
Mx. Franklin:
Thank you for agreeing to write for me. Hard to do these days ya know. Pens can’t handle this mits.
Note: Mx. Franklin is holding up his very large and hairy hands and laughing. Whether there is a joke that I am missing or Mx. Franklin is simply amused by the size and hairiness of their own hands is unclear.
[REDACTED]:
If you could start at the beginning, please.
Mx. Franklin:
The beginning? Sure. It all started back in [REDACTED]. It was a crisp fall day. The air smelled like wet leaves, and I had a fresh batch of cider waiting for me at home. I was on my way to my first day as a cook at [REDACTED] when I was approached by--
[REDACTED]:
Excuse me, apologies, Mx. Franklin. If I could please stop you right there for just a moment. Thank you. I should clarify. I am referring only to the incident of [REDACTED]. If you could start there, please.
Mx. Franklin:
You said the beginning, so I started at the beginning.
[REDACTED]:
Yes, yes. I meant the beginning of the incident, Mx. Franklin. Not the beginning of--
Mx. Franklin:
This is the beginning. You need context, see. It doesn’t make sense if I start the day of. When you bake a pie, you put it in the oven. Right? But before you put it in the oven, you need to go to the store and buy the ingredients. See? If I start to explain to you but you don’t have the context, it’ll be just like an empty pie tin.
[REDACTED]:
I see. But we don’t--
Mx. Franklin:
I’m trying to bake you a pie here.
[REDACTED]:
Yes, I get that, however--
Mx. Franklin:
An information pie.
[REDACTED]:
Mx. Franklin, I beg you, please. I have limited time. I need you to be as succinct as possible. I would like for you to please keep it to the incident that occurred between [REDACTED] and [REDACTED].
Mx. Franklin:
[grumbling sounds].
[REDACTED]:
When you are ready, Mx. Franklin.
Mx. Franklin:
I had an appointment with [REDACTED]. Tillman screamed his soul out over a couple bats and opened a portal to a hell dimension.
[REDACTED]:
Mx. Franklin:
[REDACTED]:
Mx. Franklin:
[REDACTED]:
Mx. Franklin?
Mx. Franklin:
Oh, was that not enough pie for you?
[REDACTED]:
Alright, Mx. Franklin. I… just… fine. At the beginning, please.
Mx. Franklin:
As I was saying, I was on my way to my first day as a cook at [REDACTED] when I was approached by
[REDACTED]. 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[A]nd that’s why, on the day you are asking about, I talked to Blude Hamberzher--
[REDACTED]:
I’m sorry, do you mean Blood Hamburger?
Mx. Franklin:
That’s what I said, Blude Hamberzher. See, Blude agreed with me. We all know what it’s like. This line of work. So, we wanted to make sure there was something for twofer. Just in case something happened. So, I came to Holden Milk Legal to see what sort of thing we could set up.
[REDACTED]:
Like a trust of some kind? For Velazquez Aslott?
Mx. Franklin:
[Mx. Franklin nods] Twofer is small. At least, sometimes. I just… Well, we, Blude and the rest of the team and me, just want to make sure, no matter what happens, that we are all taken care of. We’re a family. The whole team.
[REDACTED]:
And that includes Mr. Henderson?
Mx. Franklin:
[REDACTED]:
Mx. Franklin:
[REDACTED]:
Mx. Franklin:
[REDACTED]:
Mx. Franklin:
[Mx. Franklin sighs] Yeah, him too.
[REDACTED]:
What happened in the hallway, Mx. Franklin?
Mx. Franklin:
So, I went to see [REDACTED]. Had an appointment and everything, but [REDACTED] wasn’t in. I didn’t know that when I first came in, of course. The receptionist, bless, was asleep. I decided to try and wake her up with a good AWOO, adding an extra O for good measure. It did the trick. Unfortunately, a little too well. She went flying off down the hall. Patchwork showed up with their two little buddies in tow just as the receptionist went flyin’ over their heads. I was explaining my error to Patchwork when I heard what was clearly Tillman Henderson’s voice screaming from the depths of his soul in terror. I ran to make sure all was well. There were a couple bats, a portal to a hell dimension, and Tillman Henderson just absolutely layin into this poor little demon. Goin on and on about how “you can’t just pop through any ol portal, you need an appointment.” Just then, the receptionist flew in from overhead and Tillman called out to her to warn her about the bats. I don’t think she understood, and quicker than grease fire, the whole hallway went a bit hotter with her breath. That poor demon, absolutely scared out of their wits, ran into the bathroom crying. So, I told Tillman that he needed to pull himself together and apologise. I helped Patchwork clean up the hallway, and that was that.
[REDACTED]:
What about [REDACTED]?
Mx. Franklin:
Oh, what? I don’t know anything about that.
[REDACTED]:
Thank you for your time.