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Note to Self: Next year buy a costume that comes with a jacket. Effie was getting far too old to be walking around in short skirts and low-cut necklines. Hell, her feet were already hurting from the heels and she had only just stepped out of the cab.
Eyes bright, chins up, smiles on, she reminded herself. The door handle was cold to touch, but the gush of warm air from inside the party was not. An incentive to get in and start the night, if she ever felt one.
She didn’t recognise the small gathering of people stood in the hallway of her friend’s house. If she was honest, she wasn’t really into parties as much these days. She tended to hang out with the children and Haymitch at the bakery whenever she fancied being social.
Her eyes scanned the living room for their familiar faces and came up short. Perhaps they weren’t here yet. That was a shame. Still, it meant she had time to greet all her other friends and maybe flirt a little...
But first, a drink.
The make-shift dance floor was quite busy, so she turned back on herself to get back to the kitchen. Bumping into a few acquaintances and exchanging air kisses on the way. Thankfully, the kitchen was empty. Save for a man wearing what seemed to be a golden fur-suit...
“Excuse me...” She announced loudly, hoping he could hear her over the music. Instead of making room for her, the man turned around. She startled badly when faced with a large horse mask. All the more so when he waved a furry hoove at her. A hoove that reached up to unmask... “Haymitch?”
He smirked, letting his eyes roam shamelessly across her outfit. “Princess, nice costume...”
“Thank yo-” She started, pleased at the rare compliment. The smile that was blooming across her face quickly turned to a pout when Haymitch’s eyes drifted behind her.
“Not yours,” He smirked, handing her his drink before getting another. He had finished most of the cup. Rude, she thought not for the first time about him.
“And what on Earth are you supposed to be?” She asked, letting her eyes do a similar scan. Unfortunately for her, his costume was head to toe. Well, it was rather obvious he was a horse, but why a horse?
“I’m Auri, obviously,” he said, presenting the horse head so she could see clearly. The uncomfortably realistic horse face stared back at her, this time with a hint of familiarity.
“Auriferous,” she corrected, unimpressed. “You’re dressed as my horse for Halloween?”
He shot her a look. “Oh come on, sweetheart. You love when I surprise you with ponies. And it’s more appropriate than your get-up for the kids' eyes... Are you even wearing anything under that?”
She opened her mouth to chastise him for being vulgar...
“There you are!” Peeta - dressed in a ridiculous pirate outfit - interrupted. Beside him, stood Katniss in an obviously matching outfit. She hadn’t put in as much effort and she had a feeling Katniss was only dressed as a pirate so Effie wouldn’t nag her about wearing a dress.
What could she say? She wanted the girl to look her best. And trousers were all well and good but she had looked so good in the last dress Cinna made for her...
“Right next to the alcohol, just like I said,” Katniss turned to her boyfriend, eyes shining with amusement. It was sweet, it always was sweet to see the children so enamoured. They had been through so much...
Peeta murmured something that brought a half-smile to Katniss’ face before turning to her. It was only then he actually looked at her costume - which now she was realising was not entirely appropriate for the children.
“You look...” Peeta started only to turn a little red. “Great!”
Beside him, Katniss nodded unconvincingly.
“It is an old costume,” she explained quickly. “You know how I’ve been into sustainability recently? Well, I had this one from when I was nineteen and I thought... Why not just wear it again? Who needs a new Halloween costume every year? Certainly not I. After all, so many other pretty things to spend my money on.”
It wasn’t a lie, it was an old costume. Although her reasons were less to do with sustainability and more to do with the comment her mother made about her weight. It had been a tight fit but she still managed it and given the way Haymitch’s eyes were lingering on her legs and chest, it still looked good on her too.
“If I’d known nurses looked like that when I was nineteen, I’d have gone in for alcohol poisoning more often,” Haymitch chuckled, saving her from her uncomfortable rambling.
His eyes were glued to her chest now.
“Eyes up, Haymitch,” she hissed. “Do not be a pervert in front of the children.”
He smirked. “It’s not perversion. It’s curiosity. I’m trying to decipher if you’re wearing a bra under that or not, sweetheart.”
The children, predictably groaned like usual when Haymitch made such comments towards her. It was all too easy to purse her lips and glare at him. Recite some line about crudeness and propriety. To fall back into their old routine...
There were a few moments of silence before Peeta broke the ice again. “Hey! Jo and Finnick are waiting in the hall, we promised to find you and get some drinks right, Katniss?”
“Yeah,” Katniss affirmed, not quite as cheerful as her boyfriend. In fact, she looked rather wary...
Peeta reached behind them, grabbed two drinks and went off, Katniss trailing behind with an uncomfortable glance at them.
“What’s going on with the girl?” Haymitch asked as they followed close behind. Katniss’ shirttail was poking out the back of her costume and it amused her - if the mood was a little lighter, she’d have made one of those teasing comments she was constantly making to Prim.
She shrugged at Haymitch’s inquisitive gaze. She often didn’t know what went on in Katniss’ head. That was usually his department.
They weaved through the groups of people easily enough, Peeta had a way of parting people and coupled with Katniss behind him, they moved pretty fast through the hallway.
Jo and Finnick were stood next to the front door, wearing...
“What on earth are you wearing?” Effie gasped. A familiar dress hung on the girl. Deep pink and with ruffles that were meant to mimic flowers running up the right side. A dress that she knew very well... “Is that my dress?”
“Not at all,” Johanna snickered. “Why? Does it look familiar?”
The girl turned to Finnick, drawing Effie’s attention to his costume. If costume were the right word for such a sloppy outfit. He was wearing a shirt, vest and blazer. Except it wasn’t fitted right, the shirt was untucked and the vest hung loosely over a pair of slouchy trousers.
“What happened to you?” She asked with concern. Finnick was always the best dressed - bar her, if she said so herself - out of them all.
The amused smile Peeta had been sporting before came back, and then Katniss’ mouth twitched. She turned to Haymitch, glad to find she wasn’t the only one missing the joke.
“Oh thank god, I’ve been dying for a drink,” Finnick complained in a deep voice, snatching the cup from Peeta’s hands and taking a big gulp. Peeta didn’t protest the unusually rude gesture from him and Effie found a frown forming on her face. Beside her, she felt Haymitch bristle a little.
“Manners!” Johanna chided in a high-pitch voice.
Haymitch’s growing irritation boiled over. “What the fuck is going on here?”
“Language!”
Effie’s voice was joined by Johanna’s for the first time. And for a moment, everybody froze. The only sound being the thudding of the music to their left as Effie glared at the girl...
And then Finnick laughed. Johanna followed with a cackle that sounded cruel to her ears. Peeta started to smile, hiding his amusement behind his cup unconvincingly. And even Katniss was grinning...
Haymitch’s earlier question echoes in her head - what the fuck is going on here?
“Sweetheart.” Finnick bumps her shoulder with his cup filled hand. “Loosen up, have a drink.”
The answer washes over her in an unpleasant wave. “Oh... You are Haymitch.”
And Johanna...
Johanna was...
Katniss finally burst into hilarity, setting off another round of laughter from the rest of them. This time, Haymitch chortled beside her too. But she remained unamused, too busy watching the pretty pink dress shake from Johanna’s amusement and wondering just what their game was. Because there had to be a game here, Johanna would not wear her dress willingly without good reason...
It should have been obvious before. Now that she knows, Effie isn’t sure why it took her so long to get. Johanna was wearing the pink dress she wore on a recent Instagram photo at some ridiculous party her parents had forced her to attend. And the pink eyeshadow on the girl’s eyelids wasn’t as blended as hers had been but it was certainly an imitation.
She pursed her lips, hyperaware that she was the only one not laughing.
“Very funny,” she deadpanned, taking a sip of her cup for dramatic effect. “Next time, Johanna. Don’t use cheap makeup.”
"The kitty has claws," she said, holding her hands up and turning them around so that Effie could see her nails. Her nails. Johanna wiggled her fingers... "And so do I tonight."
They were exactly the same nails she had gotten to match the dress, and the attention to detail alone made Effie gasp. “Did you harass my nail lady into helping you? Johanna! That is too far.”
The mischief in Johanna’s eyes promised a night of torture...
“Alright, that’s enough,” Haymitch said quickly, sensing a fight.
“Yeah, come along now, sweetheart,” Finnick added, his hand lingering on Johanna’s lower back to guide her away from the group. “Let’s dance, I wanna pretend I don’t wanna kiss you whilst standing far too close to you.”
Effie spluttered, turning to Haymitch with glaring eyes. “We are not like that! Tell them to stop!”
Haymitch opened his mouth to reply but was promptly cut off by the two flouncing away. Taking a spot on the dancefloor within sight of the group. Leaving them all to watch with growing horror as they did - what Effie supposed was - a form of dancing that involved a lot of groping and uncomfortable staring.
“They are making fun of us,” Effie pouted, glaring at Haymitch now with a pleading look.
“Of course they’re not,” he protested. “You don’t let me grab your ass like that.”
She didn’t but that wasn’t the point. The point was they kept tossing glances at them, looking to see how riled up they could make them. And it was working, Effie could feel her frustration growing.
All the more so when Johanna’s hand squeezed Finnick’s arm. A gesture she often did to Haymitch that she hadn’t been aware they picked up on.
“If you’ll excuse me, I think I just spotted Portia,” she lied, passing her half-full cup to Haymitch and forcing a friendly smile on her lips. If the children protested, she didn’t hear it.
She toured the living room once before escaping upstairs. The children must have joined in on the dancing because they weren’t next to the door when she returned. The stairs were tricky in her heels - far too thin and tall to be practical - but she managed fine enough.
There were fewer crowds up here, the music was muffled and the majority of people were either kissing, flirting or talking amongst themselves. And despite how much it hurt to admit, Effie felt a little out of place. She had invited the children for that very reason. Quickly, she was falling out of the party scene. Unlike her friends, she couldn’t transition straight into marriage and kids.
Before, she might have been jealous but not anymore. A monster, her mother’s voice reminded her. A girl who tore apart every relationship she had ever come into contact with... As lonely as it was, as desperate as she felt for love and validation, she couldn’t do that to another man. Not anymore.
Giovanni Allman had been her last partner. A recently divorced man her brother had set her up with at her father’s insistence. He was older than her, desperate to settle down and have kids after being scorned by his ex-wife having an affair.
That should have been the first sign they wouldn’t work out.
He was in the line to take over his father’s fashion business and had loved parading her around the family dinners. Dressing her up like a doll and even teasing about bringing her out on their next show as the finale. It had all sounded too good to be true.
And it had been. When Giovanni had made it clear he wanted to bring her out as his wife, Effie had panicked. It had been too fast, not to mention as much as she had liked Giovanni he had been... Well, he had always been rather boring. Safe. When he touched her, she had felt nothing.
Not like Haymitch... He wasn’t a very touchy man but he always touched her. It was usually innocent of course, guiding her in and out of rooms with a firm hand on her back, squeezing her arm when they bid goodbye to each other, playfully resting his hand on her knee just so she would get flustered, suffering her linking their arms together when they walked...
Every time, it was like he was an electric wire. Big rough hands that touched her so gently. And when they occasionally drifted past innocent... Tangling in her hair when they’d had too much to drink and she’d pushed him against a wall, grasping tightly onto her waist when she was a little tipsy and wanted to dance with him...
His touch always gave her goosebumps, always made her want to cross the line she had so carefully drawn the moment she realised who he was to the children - who they were to the children. And yet... At times like this, it felt like she was fighting a losing battle.
There was nobody who compared. She was hardly a saint. She had dated more people than she could count by now. And yet, nobody had set her skin on fire with a simple touch before. Nobody had made her so desperate before. Nobody could fulfil the ache he created whenever he was close by...
She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping it would somehow shut her brain off from going down that line of thought. It had never led anywhere good. She couldn’t get involved with Haymitch. For his sake.
Think about Giovanni, she pleaded with her mind. Think about how heartbroken he looked when he walked in on you kissing his brother. How you had felt relief at the out his brother had given you. How you had not only betrayed him but used his brother simply as a getaway car...
“Hey.” A familiar voice interrupted her racing thoughts.
Haymitch had lost the hat and looked even more ridiculous in just a furry suit. She wondered why she found it endearing, why she wanted to put her hands on the costume and feel whether it would be soft or thin or...
Even upstairs, the music was loud enough that he had to shout. “Where’s Portia?”
“Oh, false alarm. It was somebody else dressed as cupid...” He passed her a cup - probably the same one she handed to him earlier - that she very much appreciated. The small bump of their hands didn’t help her clear her mind. It wondered from dangerous territory to treacherous.
Images of stepping forward, wrapping her arms around his neck and just kissing him flooded her vision... Sober and inexcusable tomorrow.
She had kissed him before, she knew how strong he gripped her nape, how he tasted. But never sober. She wondered if it was better without alcohol. She wondered if those hands she seemed unable to tear her gaze away from would feel as good as they did in her hair pushing her thighs apart. Whether the kisses would be just as rough trailing up her legs...
“You wanna get some air? You look like you could use some.” Air would actually be great, she didn’t say. I can’t stop looking at the hands that were just wrapped around my cup and wondering what they would feel like on my inner thighs...
“Of course,” she nodded instead, very much pushing that thought out of her mind... There was a balcony to their right, just as busy as the inside despite the cold weather. It was quieter though, and it allowed Effie vital moments to clear her mind.
“Everything okay, sweetheart?” Haymitch asked. Belatedly, she realised she had closed her eyes. “You’re all weird tonight.”
She studied him for a moment, trying to decide whether he was just being friendly or if he had brought her out here to cheer her up. “I am fine, are the children having fun?”
He smirked. “Yeah, they’re having a blast. This party was a good idea for them. You know, don’t think they really had a chance to do stuff like this as teenagers.”
“I will admit, my reasons for inviting you all were more selfish,” she flashed him a grin, knowing he wouldn’t misunderstand. Another time, years before he might have made a joke about how she was always selfish. But now...
“And yet... you’re the one hiding upstairs.” He lifted an eyebrow, nodding to her drink. “So drink up, princess. I’m gonna get you so pissed you forget all that shit you’re overthinking about.”
She shook her head a little sadly. “Absolutely not, I am on a diet. No alcohol, a cup was supposed to be my cheat.”
Effie expected him to ask why. After all, he loved to joke about being an alcoholic. He had his reasons, of course. He never understood why she held herself back now and again for a diet or a photoshoot the next day. She expected some kind of ridiculing retort. Which was probably why he caught her off guard.
Haymitch extended his hand, took her drink and placed them on the floor beneath them. “Alright then, princess. Dance with me.”
She really shouldn’t, it would only lead to another maddening lapse of judgement that culminated in her kissing him senseless or worse, begging him to kiss her...
But his eyes flashed with a hint of insecurity when she paused for too long, and he was trying so hard to cheer her up... “Alright, one dance.”
“Careful on those stupid heels, don’t think the costume came with a medical license...” He taunted without heat. And finally, she placed her hand in his. Ignored the pull in her stomach when his hand closed tightly to hold her better.
She hadn’t expected him to pull her close and she squealed. The faint booming of the music was such a contrast to the style of dancing, it made her smile. It was almost romantic, the way he was gently guiding her around in a circle.
Her smile turned to a laugh when he grabbed her hand, switching from the soothing circles to jerking her up and down by their entwined hands in graceless movements...
He grabbed her arm, forced her to turn around... It was an awkward twirl, but it made her bite her lip to stop from grinning more. He always did know how to brighten her mood when he put his mind to it. He had an uncanny ability to know just what she needed.
“Look everybody, they’re dancing,” Johanna’s voice behind them cackled unkindly.
Over Haymitch’s shoulder, Effie spied the rest of the kids following her. Haymitch’s arms dropped from around her but it wasn’t as instant as she thought he would. They tried not to let whatever was going on with them seep into their moments with the children. Tried to stay as platonic as they could in their presence.
Although, given that they had come dressed as them for Halloween and were currently doing a poor impression of the dance Haymitch had just been imposing on her... She supposed it was too late for that.
Peeta shot them a sheepish grin. “Sorry for interrupting.”
“Oh! You didn’t interrupt anything, don’t be silly,” she said quickly, regretting it a little when Haymitch finally took the step back she was expecting. Not-so-subtly turning away from her.
He picked up his cup from beside the wall and shook it at the children with a hollow smirk. “Empty. Told you I’d find her, I’m off to refill.”
Before they could say anything, Haymitch had pushed past them to go back inside. Without him pressed against her, she was starting to feel the cold. And the ridiculous skimpy nurse outfit was not made to keep her warm.
“What did you do that for?” Finnick asked with a frown. It looked so odd with his usually curly hair straightened down to mimic Haymitch’s.
Her guards went straight up, not liking the accusing tone. “I didn’t do anything. Aren’t you missing the dancefloor? I will come down and join you this time...”
A similar frown settled on Katniss’s face. “Don’t try to deflect.”
“Haymitch’s balls are so blue it’s a wonder they haven’t fallen off,” Johanna snickered. “You ever gonna kiss him or are you just playing with him?”
Peeta beat her to answer that one. “Hang on a minute...”
Effie studied the cups in their hands with suspicion. ”I think you’ve all had a little too much to drink.”
Finnick laughed. “Maybe you should have dressed as an optician because if you’re not doing that on purpose then you must be blind.”
She hadn't expected a lecture from the children and her good mood quickly deflated. Effie bit her tongue not to mention their own love lives. She knew they meant well but she had certainly never gotten involved in their complicated personal lives. She had always offered her support but... She had never pretended she knew better than them.
“I don’t have the faintest idea what you’ve gotten into your head, but I would like to remind you that my private life is out of bounds. What I decide to do with whom is none of your business.” She didn’t often pull out that harsh tone and predictably, the children looked properly chastised.
Well, except Johanna, but she wisely kept her tongue.
She pushed past them with the kind of glare that always made them feel guilty. They followed closely behind, a little solemn.
She hadn’t really touched the dancefloor and that wasn’t like her, Effie mused as she headed downstairs. She would spend the rest of the night there, away from Haymitch and avoiding any more conversations with the children.
Finnick bumped her hand when she went to throw her cup in the trash. “We just want you to be happy, Effie.”
“I am happy,” she stressed. Her voice was slightly strangled so she smiled in the hopes of sounding more convincing. “Don’t worry about me, darling. You should be focusing on having a good time tonight! Now, I want to dance...”
The boy was all too happy to lead her to the living room and dance with her for a song. She almost expected him to mimic the dancing she was doing with Haymitch earlier however, he seemed to sense she wouldn’t find it amusing. Instead, he settled for holding her hands and twirling her around.
Effie tried and failed to not marvel at how mature he had become. There had been a time where Finnick had seemed to be the little brother she never had. Impulsive and cheeky and getting himself in all kinds of trouble. But since Annie and the baby... He had blossomed into a wonderful young man. Kind and supportive and...
“Can I steal her away?” Haymitch’s voice put a stop to their dancing.
Finnick gave him a playful grin. “It seems the lookalike is being replaced with the real thing...”
Effie rolled her eyes. Despite her intentions to avoid Haymitch, letting Finnick go came easily enough and taking Haymitch’s hand was instinctive. The boy raced off behind her - probably to meet with the rest of the children.
She didn’t care much about Finnick, not when Haymitch had her trapped in his arms. They swayed ridiculously off-beat again with the generic dance song playing. Her chest warmed as if he were a fire when they pressed together again. It was almost like they were in a bubble, the music and the crowd of people jumping and jigging disappeared into the corners of her vision. Her mind stopped thinking about the children and the party and Giovanni...
It was terrifying.
But not as much as the words he muttered into her ear next. “Effie, I think we need to talk.”
Her hands slid down from around his neck to his chest and she pushed gently, breaking the spell she had previously been under.
In response, Haymitch frowned, hands loosening their grip a little. She hated it, she wanted them back around her tightly, encompassing her entire being. Warming her from the outside in... That was the very reason she stepped away.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” she denied, having to shout to be heard over the music. The moment his arms finally slipped away from her, the previous peace shattered entirely. Suddenly, the people bumping into her back, the loud music and the lights were extra bright to her eyes...
“What?” Haymitch asked. She read his lips more than she heard him. It was too noisy, and this was too much. Everything seemed to overwhelm her senses at once.
Effie shook her head. It was hard to tear her gaze from his but she did, turning around. She ignored the children’s curious glances and slipped out the front door. Barely feeling the cold this time. She debated going home. Coming here was such a stupid idea. She had just known she would end up feeling worse. And yet she had hoped...
Hoped what? That the children would make her feel better? They were all grown up now, getting on with their own lives like they were supposed to all along. That Haymitch would make her feel better? She wasn’t so sure that even made sense now. Lately, all she did was think about him or push him away. His patience was wearing thin and she could understand that.
So why couldn’t she just make her peace with things settling this way? Why couldn’t she just content herself to casual flings for the rest of her life, carefully conducted as far away from Haymitch and the children as possible?
Her phone was wedged in the fabric of her waist - so tight it had warmed against her skin. It took some fumbling to take it out and open her taxi app. Although, she hesitated over the button.
Maybe because she knew he would follow her out.
“You ever going to stop running away tonight?” Haymitch’s voice attempted to sound casual but she could read past it. She’d known him too long for them to hide like that.
“I think we need to stop seeing each other,” she confessed. She couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes when she said it, too scared he would see what she was really feeling. Too scared he would tell her something she wanted to believe in. Tell her that her mother was wrong. Give her that push to finally start something with him...
And then she would destroy it. Break whatever they built into a thousand pieces. If she were truly cruel, he might throw the words she clung to so very tightly back in her face. And she couldn’t hear him call her a monster. Not when he knew her better than anybody else... Not if she had tried her hardest to build something good with him...
“What?” He sounded surprised, and maybe he had a point. She knew she was blowing hot and cold. She knew and yet she couldn’t find it in herself to be apologetic. It was better off this way, he had been hurt enough. “If this is about what I said earlier, I didn’t mean it like that...”
Effie closed her eyes in defeat. Silently wishing goodbye to her daydreams about them.
She steadied herself for what she was about to say. Knowing already it would start an argument. Knowing it would be words that keep her up late at night, imagining the what-ifs... “The children are beginning to think something is going on between us.”
Haymitch smirked. “You don’t say...”
His amusement quickly turned into a frown again when she didn’t play ball. Effie directed her gaze to the bush at the front of the lawn, willing herself to keep it together. Haymitch knew her so well, she would have to do a good job at convincing him. Had to make him believe she wasn't worth the inevitable heartbreak...
“Isn’t there?” He asked in a careful tone. “Something going on between us, I mean...”
No, she wanted to say. No there isn’t. You’re just a friend, I don’t look at you like that...
A hundred different answers came to mind and yet she couldn’t bring herself to speak them. In part because she was terrified she would choke on them. And because the other half of her mind was hoping he could just magically understand, say the right words and get her to believe them. Wrap herself in them and ignore all her reservations.
Her mother had always said she was too romantic for her own good, though. She couldn’t let him tell her what she was and wasn’t. No matter how hard she tried, she always destroyed relationships. And Haymitch was so fragile under all that sarcasm... She couldn’t do that to him.
He would understand, she thought. He would understand her reluctance because he usually understood a lot of her problems. Not in the beginning - in the beginning, he had diminished everything she ever told him, brought them back in arguments just to be cruel...
But telling him meant putting him at risk. Risk of her breaking his heart. Risk of her betraying him like the monster her mother always said she was. Like she always proved herself to be.
“No,” she managed, it was more of a croak than anything. His eyes turned dark like they always did when he was angry.
Her name was a desperate whisper on his lips. “Effie.”
A big hand twisted her towards him, dark eyes lingered on her lips for a moment too long. Haymitch took a step forward...
“No,” she said, more firmly this time. “This is not a good idea, we need to stop.”
“You want me,” he insisted confidently. “I know you do, sweetheart...”
She’d resent the words if they weren't right.
You want me, I know you do. How many times had she heard that in her life? How many times did she shrink and surrender to that very statement? How many hours did she spend convincing herself that was the truth, if only to ease off that feeling of deserving more?
Too romantic for her own good. An inflated sense of self-worth. The cruel but familiar words echoed in her head as if it were nothing but an empty chamber.
This was the first time those words had rung true and yet, she still pushed on his shoulders. “Stop.”
Haymitch immediately stepped back, his earlier confidence fading into self-doubt and then anger. “I’m trying my best to be patient here, sweetheart. But you’re making it hard.”
Don't, she thought. Don't wait for me, I'm not worth it...
He ran a hand through his hair to cool himself down a little. Waited for her to respond with a hint of eagerness.
Did he want her to start an argument? To tell him that she wanted him?
She opened her mouth to say something, anything. But she took too long, Haymitch turned around with an irritated huff and back towards the party. No doubt he’d be urging the children to go home so he could sleep the night off.
Every limb in her body protested standing still as they watched his retreating back. It wasn’t the first time they had fought about this, yet this one felt definite.
Good, she told herself. This is for the best. There is no heartbreak this way.
It didn’t stop her eyes from welling up a little, though. Or the tightness in her chest that she refused to acknowledge the pain of. It did little to stop the sadness that had been waiting behind the masks and empty assurances for weeks from rearing its ugly head and consuming her right there on her friend’s porch.
She wanted to go home.
The only clear thought in her head urged her back into the stuffy house. She would tell the children she was tired. Then she could go home, find some wine - or whiskey if she couldn’t stop thinking about Haymitch - and drown the memory of this night away.
She had expected Haymitch to be with the group, but instead, he was opposite them. Smirking down at a woman in a tatty orange dress. The ridiculous hat and green wig screamed pumpkin - not as cute when you’re an adult, Effie thought. Still, Haymitch seemed to be finding it appealing enough.
Burning, hot jealousy stirred in her chest, making it a little hard to breathe. She pushed it down with anger, she didn’t have a right to be jealous when she just rejected him. Besides, it wouldn’t the first time she had watched him pick up somebody else. And it wouldn’t be the first time she went home and pretended that it didn’t hurt.
The children were staring with wide and curious eyes at her, she supposed she looked rather furious. She certainly felt furious marching over to them. She had little patience to pretend anymore. She was just...
Tired. Tired of everything.
Still, she tried to soften her voice. “I think I will head off now, darlings. I’m getting a little too old for parties...”
“We will come with you,” Peeta suggested, not so subtly looking behind her in the direction of where she assumed Haymitch still was. “Let us get Haymitch...”
“Absolutely not!” Effie protested with false outrage. “You enjoy your night, do an extra dance just for me, yes?”
They nodded very unconvincingly, but she appreciated the effort. It was all too easy to paint on a smile and air kiss the boy's cheeks. Katniss suffered her hug for a moment and Johanna shrugged off the shoulder pat a little slower than usual.
She couldn't look at Haymitch and the pumpkin woman as she left. She wasn’t sure if it would be better or worse to see them still talking. She didn’t want to linger on why it bothered her so much.
This is what she wanted. So why wasn't she happy? Why couldn't she find it in herself to be glad he listened to her and found someone better? Someone who wouldn't break his heart accidentally...
The taxi app was still open when she unlocked her phone, but despite the heels, she decided to walk instead. In the hopes that it would help her keep her thoughts about Haymitch at bay. The jealousy and the hurt and frustration...
It might work for tonight.
As for tomorrow when the children would tell her all about Haymitch and the pumpkin lady at breakfast - she would have to hope it stung a little less then.