Work Text:
Dean’s phone has been burning a hole in his pocket for the last two hours. The alert came in while they were exorcising a few lingering ghosts out of an abandoned shopping mall. Then Sam and Jack both wanted to stop for dinner on the way home. Luckily it was late enough by the time they got to the bunker that Dean could go straight to his room without raising suspicion.
He locks the door and, once he’s sure he’s alone, he gets out his reading glasses. Dean doesn’t want Sam finding out about the cheaters. Dean groaned one time while getting out of the Impala and Sam called him Pop-pop for two weeks.
Dean opens his phone and clicks on the notification.
Everyone is entitled to their guilty pleasures and okay, Dean has more than his share, but this might be the guiltiest of them all. He’s addicted to the romance/relationships sub-board of HELP_ME_HIVE_MIND.COM
Help Me Hive Mind
M/M
I’m in love with my best friend but I don’t know how he feels about me, reads the headline. Dean grins. Judging by the number of comments this is a juicy one.
I have known my friend for over a decade. We are very close. We work together and at times have lived together. I have very intense feelings for him that I now recognize as love. I don’t know if he feels the same. I have very little experience with romantic relationships and am not good at picking up on unspoken signals. I know that he cares about me but I do not know if he thinks of me as anything other than a friend. I value our friendship and do not want to jeopardize it so I have not said anything. I hoped if he felt the same he would say something. I am starting to think it is hopeless. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
Dean grimaces. The commenters are going to rake this poor guy over the coals. A majority of the comments so far are variations on “Over a decade? He’s not into you. Move on.” A few ask for more context. The original poster obviously doesn’t read the forum often or he would have known to go into greater detail.
To “Are you adults or kids? Because this sounds very middle school.” the OP says, We are adults. When we met, my friend was in his late twenties and I was a little older. I was very sheltered before I met him and he opened my eyes to the world outside the one I was raised in.
“The world outside the one I was raised in?” Dean reads out loud. It’s an odd turn of phrase. Other commenters noticed it too and ask him to elaborate.
I do not wish to go into great detail but I come from a large religious family. Untangling who I am from who I was raised to be has been a struggle. It is why it took me so long to understand my feelings for my friend.
That explains a lot. The majority of commenters seem to agree.
The next question the OP has responded to is: “Okay, important question, is your friend gay? Or bi? Or curious? Has he given you any hint that he’s interested?”
That is several questions. I am not sure which is the important one. My friend has never told me what he considers his orientation. All of his previous relationships that I know about have been with women. He is flirtatious by nature. I have witnessed what I believe to be him flirting with or showing attraction toward men. As I said before, I am very bad at understanding implied meanings, so I do not know if he is interested in me. That is the purpose of my inquiry. He has made suggestive comments to me in the past.
“That could be promising,” a commenter writes.
“Yeah or he knows the OP is into him and is stringing him along for the ego boost,” says another.
“What is happening when he flirts with you? Are you alone? Does he give you that look?”
What look do you mean?
“Prolonged eye-contact?
Yes.
“Is that when he makes the suggestive comments?”
Sometimes. It is more common though when he is upset with me and wants to make me uncomfortable.
“What a douche,” Dean mutters.
“Red flag! You don’t need someone who plays games. Are you sure he’s even someone you want to be with if he acts like that?”
He has his faults. He can be callus or cruel when he’s angry. But yes I’m sure.
“Even more red flags! Are you afraid to tell him because he might lash out at you?”
No. I’m afraid he won’t want me around anymore.
“No offense, but you sound really codependent. You work together and have lived together. Do you live together now? Do you have any other friends who could support you if this goes South?”
We do not live together right now though I spend a lot of time at his home. I am close friends with his brother who also lives there. I don’t think his brother would cut me off but I doubt he would be much comfort.
“You said you have very little experience with romantic relationships. Define very little please.”
Very little: an informal way of saying a small or negligible quantity.
Dean laughs. The OP could give Cas a lesson in taking things literally. The commenter clarifies what they meant.
Many years ago I had feelings for a woman. I believe she was fond of me too, but she passed away. And I have had one sexual partner. It did not end well. I came to find out she was untrustworthy and taking advantage of me.
No wonder he’s a little gun-shy. Dean decides it’s time to weigh in. He’s never commented on one of these before, usually someone already said exactly what he was thinking a few hundred comments ago, but not this time. He already has a login though he’s only ever used it in the auto maintenance sub-board. It’s crazy to him how few people know how to replace a fan-belt these days.
Hi OP, he begins. It sounds like you’ve had it rough. It makes sense that you’re wary about putting yourself out there. Ten years is a long time not to know where you stand. You are going to get more and more unhappy the longer this goes on. Unless something changes. At this point that change has to come from you. One way to change things is to talk to your friend. You need to decide which scares you more. Losing him if he doesn’t feel the same way. Or living without love. Another way to change things is to start looking for love elsewhere. You may even meet someone better for you (especially since your friend seems to be made of red flags) but you won’t know if you leave things the way they are.
Dean hits submit and refreshes the page until a reply appears.
Thank you for your kind words and advice, Hows-yer-engine-revin79. I believe you are right. I will think very hard about which change I want to make. But I worry I have misrepresented my friend. He is not made of flags. He’s made of flesh and blood and bone. He has said and done hurtful things but I ask you not to judge him solely by his worst moments. He is kind and loyal and gifted. He is the most selfless person I have ever known. He puts the needs of his brother or his friends or even strangers above his own on every occasion. He takes joy in the basest, most mundane things. And he’s incapable of not sharing that joy with those around him. It lights up a room. Metaphorically.
This guy is in real REAL deep.
Before I met him I did not think my opinions or wants mattered. I had no worth beyond what I could do for my family. He taught me to accept and value myself as an individual.
That hits a nerve. Dean knows too well what it’s like to be raised to serve an agenda. How hard it is to shake that feeling of worthlessness. That’s probably why he and Cas got so close so fast. They both—
Cas. The OP is Cas. Which means the friend is…
“Holy shit,” Dean gasps. “Cas is in love with Sam!”
Dean reads the posts a few more times to make sure he’s right. Nobody else talks—writes like that. He can practically hear the words in Cas’s steel-wool voice. All the details match too. There’s no doubt about it, the OP is Cas.
Or is it? Dean has never seen Sam flirt with a guy or try to make Cas uncomfortable. Then again Dean isn’t in love with Sam. He’s not watching every little thing Sam does for a sign that he’s interested. Besides, everything else he wrote: selfless, kind, gifted. That’s Sam.
“This is bad,” Dean sighs. Cas is in love with Sam, that much is clear. He practically wrote a sonnet about it. But Sam does not love Cas. Dean is certain of that. Maybe Dean was too dense to see how Cas felt, but Dean knows his little brother. He knows how Sam acts around someone he likes. Not that Sam doesn’t like Cas. Of course, he does; he’s always the first to come to Cas’s defense, but he doesn’t love him.
“This is bad,” Dean repeats. Cas is fragile. No, that’s not right, Cas is really fucking strong. Not throw-a-truck-into-the-sun strong, though he’s that too, he’s do-the-right-thing-even-when-it’s-the-hard-thing strong. Rebel-against-your-own-kind-to-save-the-world strong. Let-your-demon-possessed-friend-beat-you-near-to-death-on-the-off-chance-you-can-reach-him strong. But not bounce-back-from-being-rejected-by-the-guy-you’ve-been-pining-over-for-twelve-years strong.
Dean is going to have to tell Sam. If Cas follows Dean’s idiotic forum advice and confesses, Sam will be too blindsided to let him down gently. He’s going to break Cas’s heart.
Dean waits until the following day. He finds Sam in the library, working on his Hunter wiki project.
“Hey, Sammy, got a minute?”
Sam looks up from his laptop. “What’s up?”
“It’s about Cas.”
“Did something happen? Is he okay?”
“Yeah, no, he’s fine. I just…What do you think of Cas?”
“What do I think of Cas?” Sam repeats, his brow furrowing into its default ‘my brother has a screw loose’ position. “What am I supposed to think? It’s Cas.”
“Well there’s something you need to know and I’m not sure how you’re going to take it.”
Sam’s expression changes. “Oh. You are asking for my opinion on Cas?”
Dean nods.
Sam nods. “Dean, I think Cas is great. More than great. As far as I’m concerned he’s already family.” Sam holds eye contact with Dean, seemingly trying to make his point.
“Right! Cas is family!” Dean agrees. “And you would never hurt him on purpose?”
“Of course not.” Sam looks offended. “What is this about? What makes you think I’d hurt Cas?”
Dean takes a deep breath. “Sammy, Cas is in love with you.”
Sam blinks at him. “I’m sorry. What?”
“Yeah, it’s a shocker, but it’s true. He’s head over heels for you and—“
“Did he tell you that?” Sam interrupts.
“Not exactly,” Dean admits.
“Then what the hell makes you think Cas loves me?” The ‘Dean is a moron’ squint is back.
“Read this.” Dean hands over his phone.
“The relationships sub-board?” Sam raises an eyebrow.
“Just read it!”
Sam starts reading. It takes a couple of minutes. “You think Cas wrote this about me?”
“C’mon Sam, it all adds up. Sheltered guy from a large religious family? Only friends are two brothers he’s known for over a decade? Can’t pick up unspoken cues?”
“That does sound like Cas.”
“You see? He’s crazy about you.”
“Wow,” Sam whispers.
“And he has been for years. This isn’t a fleeting thing, he thinks you’re the Meghan to his Harry.”
“Harry and Meghan?” Sam chuckles. “Really, Dean?”
“Look, it was the middle of the night, I couldn’t sleep, the wedding was happening anyway. I might’a watched it. And it was beautiful. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is you’ve got to let him down easy.”
“Why would I do that?” Sam asks.
“Because he’s sensitive and you’re not an asshole.”
“What if I don’t want to let him down at all?” Sam says.
“Uh…” Dean pauses. “What are you…? You don’t even like guys. Do you?”
“Would it be a problem if I did?” Sam asks.
“N…no. Of course not,” Dean stutters. “I just thought you liked girls.”
“I do. Also.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“You sure? You’d support me being in a relationship with a man? Or an Angel with a male vessel?”
“Me? Sammy, you love whoever you love. I’ll always support you. Why wouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know. Dad wasn’t that opened minded. I thought you’d probably feel the same way.” Sam shrugs.
“I’m not Dad. And I’m sorry I made you feel you couldn’t say anything. You’re my little brother, I don’t care who you date as long as you’re happy.”
Sam grins. He gets up from the table and gives Dean a hug. Dean pulls away after a minute.
“Oh jeez, Sammy. I owe you an apology. All those times I made fun of your hair, I didn’t mean— it wasn’t about your sexuality. It’s just that I think it looks really stupid.”
Sam laughs and rolls his eyes. “Seriously?”
“What? Just because your gay or bi or whatever, I can’t give you a hard time?”
“You’re a jerk.”
“You’re a…” Dean doesn’t finish the sentence. “Wait, you do have feelings for Cas?”
Sam puts his hands in his pockets. “I think maybe I do.”
“Oh.” Dean suddenly needs to sit down. “Really though? Cas?”
“Why? What’s wrong with Cas?”
“Nothing! He’s the best. If you like the short and awkward type.”
“It’s a cute type. And he’s more than that. He’s brave and compassionate and handsome—“
“Okay,” Dean holds up his hands. “I get it. You like Cas. What are you going to do about Eileen?” Dean liked Sam with Eileen. He thought they had something special. Apparently, Dean doesn’t know anything about anything.
Sam shakes his head. “I’ll tell her the truth. I owe her that much. Eileen is amazing but she’s no Cas.”
“Well, alright. I mean great. This is great.” Dean clears his throat. “Cas is going to be so happy. I’m… I’m happy for you. For you both.”
“That means a lot. I’m going to tell him right now.”
“Okay. Cool. I’ll leave you to it.” He gets up to go.
“No, can you stay? For moral support? This has been a long time coming and I don’t want to chicken out at the last second.”
“Sure. Whatever you need, Sammy.” He sits back down.
Dean clenches his armrest out of frustration. He doesn’t understand why he’s so miserable all of a sudden. It’s a good thing that the two most important people in his life are in love. With each other.
That’s it right there. The two most important people in his life are in love and he had no idea. It almost makes sense that he didn’t know how Cas felt, he can be hard to read at times. But Sam? He raised Sam. How could he not know? It hurts that he didn’t. And it hurts that Sam kept it from him for so long. He really thought Dean would react like their dad?
And Cas? After everything they’ve been through together, CAS doesn’t trust him? That hurts.
This isn’t about Dean’s hurt feelings. This is about Sam and Cas and their once in a lifetime, Harry and Meghan making goo-goo eyes at each other in front of the queen and a world-wide television audience, kind of love.
Sam’s got his hands clasped and his head bent. “Castiel? Can you come to the bunker, please? I’ve got something important to tell you,” he prays. This isn’t the kind of thing you do over the phone.
Even knowing it’s coming it’s still disconcerting when Cas appears out of thin air.
“Hello, Dean.” Cas turns. “Sam. You wanted to tell me something?”
“Yeah.” Sam steps forward, nervously brushing his hands on his jeans. He looks at Dean for encouragement. Dean gives him a discreet thumbs-up. “I need to tell you,” he reaches out and takes Cas’s hand, “that I love you.” He takes Cas’s other hand for good measure.
“Uh… I think very highly of you too, Sam.” Cas stares at their hands.
“Cas, I mean it romantically. I’m in love with you.”
Cas opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. He tilts his head to the side. He’s obviously in shock. Probably thinks he’s dreaming. Not that Angels dream
“Cas, I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time but I didn’t know how you felt about me.”
Cas tilts his head to the other side.
“Do you love me?” Sam prompts.
Cas smiles, though it only reaches one side of his mouth. “Yes. Definitely. I love you, Sam.” He nods repeatedly.
“Wow,” Sam whispers.
Dean is spared witnessing what would probably be the world’s most awkward first kiss by Jack coming down the stairs with a load of groceries.
“What’s going on?”
“Cas and I are in love.” Sam turns to face him, swinging their hands.
“Oh.” Jack purses his lips for a moment. “That’s surprising.”
“Isn’t it?” Sam agrees.
Jack shrugs and carries the groceries through to the kitchen.
“You guys don’t need me for this.” Dean starts backing into the hall.
“Actually, I should talk to Eileen.” Sam lets go of Cas. “I want her to hear it from me.” He jogs upstairs, turning around when he reaches the door. “I’ll be back soon.” He blows a kiss down at the still stunned Angel.
Once the door has finally closed behind Sam, Cas turns to Dean.
“Dean, this is terrible. Sam is under a love curse!”
“Cas, Cas, Cas,” Dean shakes his head. It’s sad. He has such a low opinion of himself, he can’t believe the person he loves truly loves him back.“It’s not a curse, buddy. Sam is in love with you.”
Cas squints at him. “You’re sure?”
“One hundred percent. It’s true love.”
Cas takes a seat across from Dean, one hand pressed to his mouth. “Sam is in love with me,” he says to himself.
“He sure is.”
Dean waits for it to sink in.
“I don’t get it. Why aren’t you more happy? This is good news.” Dean nudges his foot under the table. Cas shifts in the chair.
“Yes, you’re right.” He nods. “It’s nice. To be loved. By someone.”
“Cas, what the hell? Isn’t this exactly what you want?” Nothing in the last twenty-four hours has gone the way Dean expected. “You love Sam! Don’t you?”
“I can try. If it means that much to him. Maybe with enough time I will. If not, it would only be sixty or seventy years at the most.”
“You don’t love Sam? What about the post?”
“The post?” Cas tilts his head.
“‘Help me hive mind I’m in love with my best friend?’ Sound familiar?”
Cas pales. “You read that?”
“You admit you wrote it?”
Cas nods and starts picking at a patch of dry skin on his hand.
“I knew it!” At least he’s been right about one thing. “I knew it. No one else would— but if you don’t love Sam then... It’s me?” he breathes.
“It’s always been you.” Cas’s smile is both pained and hopeful.
Dean pushes back in the chair. His thoughts are chaos. It’s him. That can’t be right. He’s the one Cas called loyal and kind and selfless? “No.”
The next part happens too quickly for Dean to track.
Cas stands, mutters, “I understand,” and vanishes.
Dean is still reeling from the idea that he’s the object of Cas’s affection, it takes him a second to register why Cas took off.
“Shit.” He said no. Like an asshole. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Winchester?” Too much to list.
Cas said he loved him and he said no. It wasn’t what he’d meant but it wasn’t the wrong answer either. He can’t give Cas what he wants. He just can’t.
And he’d been so sure that Sam would break Cas’s heart.
“Cas?” he says to the empty room. There’s a chance he’s listening. There might be nothing Dean can say to make it better but he has to try.
He lowers himself to his knees, ignoring his popping joints. He should start using that yoga book Sam got him.
“Cas, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You caught me off guard. Falling for me… it just doesn’t make sense. Loving Sam, that makes sense. All those things you wrote, that’s not me. I’m angry and stubborn and I let people down. All the damn time. I’m not the guy people fall in love with. I’m the guy they bang a few times until they figure out what a mess I am and run as far as they possibly can.
“You’re my best friend and I’ve hurt you more than anyone. And somehow you’re the only one who’s never left.” Dean laughs, a tear sliding down his cheek. “Not for long anyway.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was too stupid to see how you feel. And I’m sorry that I don’t know how to… Fuck!
“I’ve lost track of how many times you’ve saved me. Healed me. Fixed me. But there are some things even you can’t fix. I’m just… I’m broken, Cas.”
Dean isn’t sure when exactly he knew that all-encompassing-together-forever-likes-you-despite-all-your-flaws love wasn’t in the cards for him, but it was long before he met Cas. Once he knew, he let the part of himself that wanted it die. No, he killed it. Then buried it under decades of binge drinking and one-night stands. Now Dean couldn’t open himself up to it if he tried.
He had tried. He tried so hard with Lisa. She had loved him, the parts of him she could see. As much as he wanted it to work he never let himself relax with her. Never let his feelings go too deep because he knew as soon as his facade slipped and she got a glimpse of the ugliness underneath, it would be over. And he was right. Even if neither of them could acknowledge it.
Cas though, Cas has seen him at his absolute worst. He knows every unforgivable thing about Dean and fell in love with him anyway. Isn’t that the heaping teaspoon of salt in the gaping wound that is Dean’s life? A person capable of loving Dean, warts and all, actually exists and Dean is too much a husk of a human to love him back.
“Cas?” his voice cracks. “Cas, you listening?” It’s no use, he’s not coming back. He offered Dean his heart and Dean crushed it under his heal. Cas doesn’t owe him the chance to make amends. He may never come back and that could be for the best.
Since Chuck got taken off the board and Heaven and Hell flipped their signs to closed, they don’t really need an Angel on the team. It’s overkill. And they have Jack if something requiring a heavy-hitter comes up. On a purely practical level, they can get by without Cas.
Except Dean can’t get by without him. Not really. Every time it’s happened in the past, whether they lost him to an Angel blade or Purgatory or Dean blaming him for things outside his control and driving him off, Dean crumpled under the weight of the loss. All the color seemed to drain out of his world.
It’s no different this time, except that Cas is not dead or captive or in any danger. He’s free. Maybe with some time and space, he’ll wise up and see that he can do so much better.
Dean wipes his eyes and stands. He needs to get out of the bunker for a while. He’ll take Baby for a drive. To clear his head. Definitely not to drive off a cliff. He can do this. He grabs his jacket and keys and heads for the garage.
Cas is sitting in the passenger seat.
“Cas?” Dean whispers. Cas’s head snaps up, looking like a trapped animal.
“I’m sorry.” He fumbles out of the car.
Dean runs his hand through his hair, relief flooding his heart. “I thought you were gone for good.”
“I meant to leave. I… I couldn’t think of where else to go.”
“Did you hear me praying?”
Cas shakes his head. “I didn’t need to hear more. You made it clear how you feel. And I accept it. You don’t have to say it again. I just needed a minute because I was…sad.” He bites his lip. “I’ll go.”
“Cas, wait. You don’t have to go anywhere. You aren’t the problem. I’m the problem.” Dean is crying again. Awesome.
“You aren’t a problem,” Cas says softly.
“Cas, you don’t get it.”
“That’s usually true.”
Dean shakes his head. “If I could love someone, it would be someone like— it would be you. But I can’t.”
Cas’s eyes narrow. “How do you know that you can’t love anyone?”
Dean inhales. “I just know. It’s not in me. I wasn’t made that way.”
“You were made to be a vessel for Michael so you could kill Lucifer and your brother and end the world.”
“Yeah, but—“
“I was made to be a servant of God’s will. Neither of us is what we were made to be. Do you want to love someone? And to be loved back?”
“Of course!” Dean shouts. Yeah, he killed that part of himself a long time ago, but like so many other things, it wouldn’t stay dead. “Just because I want it doesn’t mean I can do it.”
Cas shakes his head, smiling slightly. “That runs contrary to everything I know about you.”
“Cas, stop. It’s not possible.”
“Stopping the apocalypse wasn’t possible. Escaping Purgatory wasn’t possible. Defeating Chuck—“
“Okay! You made your point. I just… How do I… How do we…?”
“The same way we've done everything else. Together.”
Dean laughs. He makes it sound so simple. It can’t be that simple. But does it have to be that complicated? Can it just be?
“Okay.” Dean nods a few times because he’s not sure he said it out loud. Cas crosses the distance and takes his cheeks in his hands.
For someone with so little prior experience, Cas is a blindingly good kisser.
“Oh no!” Cas shoves Dean away.
“Look, I know you’ve been thinking about this for years, but I only had twenty seconds,” Dean protests. He can’t have blown it this fast, “If that wasn’t the best first kiss— Do you have notes? I’ll take notes.”
“No, it was satisfactory. A little damp but— we can’t do this to Sam.”
“Oh shit. Sam.” He kissed his little brother’s crush. He really is the scum of the Earth.
“I have to tell him that I don’t have feelings for him. I don’t want to hurt him. How badly do you think he’ll take it? Do you think he’s already broken up with Eileen?”
“Son of a bitch.” Dean groans.
“What?”
“He played us! He was never in love with you.”
“He wasn’t?”
“No. It was a ploy to get us to talk to each other about our feelings.”
“Ooooooooh.” Cas’s eyes go wide in understanding. “Very clever.”
“I knew, I knew him better than that. Maybe I didn’t know how you felt or how I felt but I know Sam!” Dean nods, vindicated. “I’m gonna kill him.”
“It was an effective ploy, though.”
“Still, he’s going to— damp?”
Cas shrugs. “You had been crying. There was snot.”
Dean chuckles. He takes a fistful of the trench coat and wipes his face on it. “Better?”
Cas leans in for the kiss.
Help Me Hive Mind
M/M
I thought my best friend of over a decade had confessed his love for my brother over the internet. But he actually loves me. My brother, who has a previously undiscovered Machiavellian streak, went along with it to force me to admit I also have feelings for my friend. Which I eventually did but not before having a nervous breakdown while trying to overcome 40 plus years of self-loathing and emotional constipation. Anyway, we’re a couple now and I’ve never been happier. Literally, never been this happy in my entire life.
“Uh, OP, what exactly is the problem?”
I need a better story to tell people about how we got together. This one is too embarrassing.