Work Text:
Elmore Junior High. Late afternoon.
1,700 years ago.
Okay, not really, but it feels like it.
It was a normal day, like any other, only terrible. It was a terrible, normal day.
Terrinormal.
Okay, yeah. Sorry. Focus!
It was normal because it was school, which usually runs at a base level of mind-numbing, occasionally bordering on soul-crushing, but it was terrible because Darwin was sick, and because Miss Simian had been extra awful all day.
I was just trying to get through it all, flicking my pencil against my desk, wiggling it, trying not to chew on it.
How can you not chew on things when you’re bored?!
Yes. Yeah. Be patient, okay? This is really hard.
I didn’t know what was up with Miss Simian then, but it takes a lot of fiery glares and screeching to make factorials scary.
All I wanted was to get out of there and talk to Penny, instead of just smiling at her from across the classroom.
Curse you, assigned seats. Curse you!
It was Friday. Penny and I had a big date planned that night, and I wanted to tell her everything that was on my mind.
I had ideas!
Then it happened.
“Okay, class,” Miss Simian creaked, taking me out of my Penny-induced daydreams of sharing milkshakes and using going to the movies as an excuse to stare at each other in the dark.
Instead, everyone that was talking over each other and passing notes and doodling in their notebooks and chewing gum as loudly as possible all stopped and stared when Mr. Small sauntered into the classroom, giving everyone a big wave as Miss Simian worked her hardest to get as much distance from him as possible.
“Hello, children!” Mr. Small chirped, the grin on the cloud guy’s face on the borderline of genuine and forced. “This afternoon, we’re going to do something different. Today we’re going to–”
“Boys stay parked here. Ladies go outside with me,” Miss Simian interrupted, mumbling and murmuring. “And no questions yet!” she just as soon yelled.
And like that, half the classroom was gone.
I can remember Mr. Small poking his head out of the classroom door to make sure Miss Simian had really left before closing the door right behind him.
“Well, with that settled…” Mr. Small said with that same smile, clapping his hands together, “…It’s my job to teach you guys some fun facts about growing up. Now normally I’d be showing you all a film.”
Everyone, especially me, piped up at the mere mention of just needing to pretend to watch something for the last half hour of the school day.
“But instead,” Mr. Small started, fumbling around with an oversized notepad as we all collectively groaned, “I thought I’d make this more of a conversation. I’ve prepared some fun drawings for us to learn from and talk about.”
As Mr. Small moved around the classroom to make sure everyone was paying attention to him and his scented marker drawings, I could remember drifting off again. Tapping my pencil. My head on my desk. My teeth mere inches away from the eraser…
“Gumball!” Mr. Small shouted, startling me enough to make me snap my pencil in two. “What do you know of the dreaded… B.O.?”
“What the what?!” I gasped, more out of the shock of being asked than from the question itself.
I stared at the drawing Mr. Small held up, a rough sketch of an armpit with green stink lines fizzling out from it.
Great. Good. I was having so much fun.
I just shrugged. “Enough not to need to ask a twelve year-old about it?”
The chuckles from around the classroom didn’t do a lot to mask the frustration on Mr. Small’s face. If clouds could ever have wrinkles around their eyes, that was the moment for it to happen.
“Gumball.”
Oh man. That tone! The way he said it. Like I just burned down the local puppy orphanage.
“This is important, Gumball,” he kept saying. I dunno, he went on for like ten minutes, and all I could think about the whole time was how I just wanted to go outside and be with Penny.
I couldn’t pay attention to any of it. I just didn’t care.
And then, echoing through my daydream of Penny and I sailing on a magic carpet through a starry sky, I could hear Mr. Small say, “And remember, boys, if you ever have any questions about what all this means for you, be sure to ask the male role model in your life. Like your dad!”
When I heard that, I shook my head so hard, I could hear my eyes rattle.
“My dad?! What would he know?”
Same laughs. Same look. Same tone. Same speech.
Well, almost the same speech.
Mr. Small put his oversized notepad on Miss Simian’s desk and slowly walked over to me. If the cloud guy and his tie-dye shirt were even remotely threatening, I’d have been nervous.
“Gumball…” Mr. Small said, his fluffy arms crossed.
I rolled my eyes, and shook my head so they’d stop making noise. “That’s me.”
He was not having it. “If you’re not gonna take me seriously, you should at least take your father seriously.”
Yeah. Fat chance.
“After all,” he kept going, “You take after him. You have enough in common that he could certainly help you along on your journey to manhood.”
And then he stopped. And then the whole class was looking at me. Probably because I was sliding back against my chair, falling to the floor.
I was melting.
And then the final bell rang.
And everyone stopped caring about me and ran out of the classroom.
And then Mr. Small said something I couldn’t hear, maybe didn’t wanna hear, and walked off.
And then I sat there, melted and alone, for twenty minutes.
I was thinking. What would my dad know about me getting older? Growing up? What’s that got to do with me?
As little as possible, I hoped.
By the time I got myself back together, I had missed the bus ride back home, so I just walked. I wanted to ride with Penny, but I missed that chance to spend more time with her.
Who’s obsessed? I said I had ideas!
Whatever. Point is, I was lost.
I mean, I made it home just fine.
I just got there with a lot on my mind.
Why would I wanna be like dad at all?
He’s not a bad guy. He’s just… not who I’d wanna be when I grow up.
And sure, even if he did have advice, it didn’t feel like the kind of advice I wanted.
I didn’t know if I was just thinking or talking to myself.
With all that in mind, I figured the best thing I could do was go home, watch some videos, and completely forget all of this.
I thought that if I was wasting time thinking about this stuff, then I might as well waste time the fun way.
The house was still quiet when I got there. Mom wasn’t home from work yet, Anais was doing some afterschool thing, and dad was asleep on the couch.
Okay, maybe the house wasn’t completely quiet. Weaponized, dad’s snoring could level a small village.
Man, imagine me, growing up to snore like that too.
I shook my head to get that thought out of there, and went upstairs to my room. There was Darwin, still asleep, hot water bottle perched on his bowl.
Poor guy.
I sat down at the computer and tried to type quietly, just so I wouldn’t wake him up. I put in some earbuds and looked up some videos on Elmore Stream-It. Watching people twist and shout by way of skateboard fails is a good way to keep your mind busy.
Most of the time.
I was under the impression that if I couldn’t be a kid forever, then I could at least grow up to be someone who’s not gross. I wanna be cool. Like my mom. She’s cool. I mean, anyone who can lift a car over their head and throw it over a supermarket just to prove a point about taking up two parking spaces has gotta be cool.
At least a little cool.
As close to the upper limit of how cool as a mom can be.
But I dunno, this wasn’t all about my mom and dad. At least some of it had to do with me. I was the one beating myself up about this, after all. I was the one who was letting it get to me.
“Gumball, dude, why can’t you just let yourself be who you’re gonna be? You are cool. Don’t worry about it. That guy just flattened his face like pizza dough. Look at it and laugh, man.”
But I guess talking to myself wasn’t doing the trick either. Pretty soon, the videos just kinda blurred away from my eyes and outta my head, and then I was back to thinking about what kinda person I wanted to be.
I mean, sure, people my age kinda like to think about what they wanna do when they grow up. But who they are? Who they’re gonna be?
I guess that’s a thing too, but like, not like what was going on in my head.
I didn’t like the idea of just sitting there and letting things happen.
I’m the one in control, right? I gotta fix this.
Fix what?
“Fix what?!”
“Huhwhatumuh?!”
I guess I yelled loud enough to wake up Darwin.
I swiveled in my chair and saw him blinking away his sleep. The hot water bottle was on the floor.
I winced. “Sorry, bro.”
After popping his face out of his bowl, Darwin just kinda smiled.
“I don’t wanna go to school,” he whispered, in a daze.
I shrugged. “All good, then. School’s over.”
Then Darwin started screaming.
“I’m not a school of fish! I’m one! Just one!!!”
After falling out of my chair, and picking myself back up, I rushed over to get Darwin up out of his bowl.
“Darwin, dude, wake up,” I said, steadying him and putting the hot water bottle on his head.
Darwin looked around the room for a sec.
“I am awake. I think?” He was whispering again. His throat sounded sore.
Satisfied, I began the interrogation.
“Darwin, I need advice. I’m going crazy.”
“My lungs are full of water.”
“You’re a fish, bro.”
“Oh! Right.”
Darwin gave himself a light tap on the head. He let out a yawn, and then walked over and started watching the video I was all but ignoring.
“Was that guy a pretzel before his fail too?”
“Darwin, focus. I’m having a breakdown here.”
Darwin blinked.
“You look better off than him,” he said, pointing at the screen. “Look, that pretzel guy had a fail so bad, he straightened out into a breadstick.”
I stamped my foot.
“You don’t understand! My head’s a mess. I keep questioning my future like I’m having a mid-life crisis and failing to find a job after college at the same time!”
Realizing I clenched my eyes shut from all my reasonable panicking, I opened them to see Darwin back inside his bowl.
“Dude! Wake up!”
“Is this a private school of fish?” he said in his sleep, his voice muffled from being back underwater. “No, I’m homeschooled.”
So I figured that Darwin wasn’t the way to go.
I mean, I did spend another ten minutes trying to wake him up again, but I got there eventually.
Well, more like Anais got home.
“Gumball, why are shaking Darwin’s bowl… with Darwin inside of it?” I can remember her asking.
I definitely absolutely gently put down Darwin’s bowl, and calmly approached Anais at my bedroom door.
“Anais! Quick! When I grow up, do you really think I’m gonna look like dad?” I asked, being very soothing and mature while doing so.
Anais halved her eyes and crossed her arms, tightening her oversized backpack up against her.
“You already don’t,” she said.
“But what if I turned into him?” I countered. I could feel myself shuddering. “Then I’d wake up every morning with a craving for bacon-covered bacon-bacon.”
“What’s bacon-bacon?” Anais asked, quirking an eyebrow.
Continuing my hot streak of being the voice of reason in this family, I said, “Gah, I don’t know. It’s like bacon, but the bacon has holes cut into it so more bacon can be stuffed into the bacon-bacon’s bacon holes. Bacon.”
Then Anais sighed, taking off her backpack and sitting on it. “Gumball,” she muttered, “What is this even about?”
I got up real close to her, so I could whisper.
“You ever suddenly feel like you’re afraid of living? Like you realize your life is a huge pile of do not want?”
“Uh… no?” she answered, stumbling as she tried to back herself, and her huge backpack, away from me.
Satisfied with the distance gained, she asked, “Gumball, are you gonna be okay?”
I was getting tired of being the only one who could see the problem here.
“Yeah, sure. Maybe, yeah. Maybe. …No,” I answered, just standing there, not really moving, just staring at the wall with my arms at my sides. It’s hard to know what to do with your hands when you’ve lost your mind.
Anais stood on her toes to wave her hand in my face.
“Gumball, seriously,” she said, trying to get me to look at her. “What’s going on?”
And then I snapped.
“I don’t wanna be big and gross and smell a little weird all the time and lie about how miserable I am on a daily basis!” I screamed, thankfully not waking Darwin or dad. Just standing there, my fists in the air, my mouth hanging open as I tried to find the middle ground between freaking out and being clear.
I guess all Anais could do was shrug. “Then don’t?”
But I kept panicking. I mean! Never mind.
“Maybe none of that is up to me! Maybe I’m supposed to be all of that. But I don’t wanna be that. I wanna be…”
And then it hit me.
Penny!
“Ah!” I shouted, running toward my drawers. “I forgot!”
“Forgot what?” Anais asked flatly, her eyes darting between me and me and me as I ran around my bedroom, trying to grab everything I needed.
“My date with Penny. I gotta get ready!”
Anais rolled her eyes.
“Like you haven’t been late on her before? Relax.”
I stopped to give my sister a stern look. Fists clenches, I stamped my foot again.
“I only have time to panic! And besides, things are different now.”
I wasn’t lying either. I didn’t know what it was then, but a switch had flipped in my head. I don’t know whether that switch turned something on or off, but I did know that the sooner things changed, the better.
I just didn’t know yet what needed to change.
By the time I finished working out more of those unwanted thoughts, I was ready to go. I guess for all my running around, all I had managed to do was comb my hair and put on a jacket.
“No tie?” my sister questioned.
I opened my mouth, starting to answer, but then, in my mind’s eye, I saw the image of dad’s tie. The way it was stained and embedded in the folds of his never-ironed shirt. Then I saw all kinds of ties. Striped ties, solid ties, summer sun ties, Christmassy snowman ties.
Tight, neck-constricting, Gumball-choking ties.
“No,” I mumbled. “Not this time.”
And like that, I was off to meet Penny at the mall.
On the way there, I couldn’t stop thinking about ties. It wasn’t just my dad anymore. It was everything. All of it. All of that way people presented themselves. Nah, not just people. Not just any kind of person, anyway.
And of course all the stores on the way to the food court were clothes stores.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a menswear place with all manner of fancy, formal getups.
I felt gross.
Ties. Ties everywhere. And dress shirts, suit jackets, shiny shoes, bulky watches, dumb, stupid hats. Sure, maybe I didn’t need to wear that stuff right now, but right then, the thought of wearing any of it ever again?
Again? I could feel myself shudder.
What was wrong with me? So what if I didn’t wanna dress like that? I could wear what I want.
Kinda like the shirt in the store next to that one. White. Simple. Nothing to distract from the star of the show. Me.
It kinda looked like something my mom would wear.
Wait…
Finally, after all the thinking I had been doing that day, my brain made itself known.
Gumball.
“Yes, brain?”
That’s not just a shirt.
“Don’t say it.”
That’s–
“Shut up!”
That’s a blouse.
“I don’t need your help!”
That time, I was definitely talking to myself.
Unfortunately, that meant the saleslady that had come over to help me let out a ‘hmph!’ and stomped back further into the store.
I just… walked away.
And of course, as soon as I started walking, I got back to thinking.
C’mon, it couldn’t be just about clothes. That’s stupid! Clothes are stupid, and thinking about them too much is even more stupid. So what was it all that about, then? I didn’t know. I just wanted these thoughts to stop.
I mean, it has to be dumb, right? To worry so much about so many small parts of growing up?
But there had to be more to it than that…
All of it. Every bit of it. Not just the clothes, but what it meant to wear them. What it would mean about me. Say about me. Who I was supposed to be. Who other people saw in me.
I was beginning to see something else.
But Penny saw me first.
“Gumball! I’m here.”
Her voice made everything quiet again.
I sighed from the relief of it all.
I quickly made my way over to Penny, just outside the food court.
“Sorry I’m late,” I told her.
She shrugged.
“It’s only ten minutes after. Besides, I saw you window shopping back there. Find anything that interests you?”
I gulped.
“Uh. No.”
“Oh,” she said, flat, but then she put that smile on again. “Well, where are we headed?”
Her smile made me smile. “Whatever you feel like having.”
We ended up at the Joyful Burger in the mall, just sitting there with a couple burgers, shakes, and a mountain range of fries, to share.
It turned out eating was the best distraction for me yet. If I had known that before, I’d have raided the fridge as soon as I got home.
At least, if I was at the fridge, still at home, Penny wouldn’t be there to notice I hadn’t said anything since we sat down.
“Gumball,” Penny chimed in, getting my attention.
“Hi!” I said, looking up from my burger, wincing when I realized I had pulled a muscle in my neck from looking down for so long.
“You seem lost,” Penny said.
I could hear it. She was concerned.
C’mon, Gumball. It’s honesty time.
“Brain…”
I checked. Yep. This time, I was thinking.
I’m just saying. Don’t blow this. People dig it when you’re true to yourself with them.
“Brain, I’m gonna level with you. Outside of a blouse, I’m not exactly sure what being true to myself involves right now.”
That’s great!
“What the what?! Brain!”
That just means if you are honest with Penny, she might even be able to help you.
“You’re being way too helpful right now, brain, and I don’t like it.”
Well, sue me for trying.
“I’ll find a way how!”
Penny’s devastated sigh got me back to the dinner table.
There she was, my girlfriend, head perched on her hand as she eyed me from her seat, across from mine.
“Gumball, do you need to go home or something?” she asked, a bubbly mix of concerned and annoyed.
Connoyed?
I gulped again. Okay. No messing around.
“Penny?” I started, leaning in so I could whisper.
Yeah, and knowing that I might actually be able to control my volume for a change.
Penny whispered back. “Yeah?”
“I’ve been thinking about some things,” I said, trying and failing not to be vague.
Penny bit her lip. “You did say you had some ‘big ideas.’ Are they… bad ones?”
“No, never!” I yelled, then quieted down as soon as I realized. “These are different ideas. I dunno if they’re bad or not.”
“Do you wanna talk about them?”
The way she asked that. The way she whispered and leaned in closer to me and looked me in the eye, the way she held a french fry covered in ketchup, how it dangled as she kept watching me.
I thought about it all. Not wanting to be like my dad. Wanting to be more like my mom. Not wanting to express myself and go around like guys do. The way some things girls did seemed a lot more appealing.
Then I remembered.
My mom’s wedding dress.
The way wearing it to school didn’t just make me more popular, but how it made me feel. Sure, it was the only thing that I could wear that day, but it was nice to get whatever I wanted.
But thinking about it then, the best thing that I got wasn’t something I could keep after it was all over.
It was the way it felt to me. To wear it. To be the kind of person that would wear it.
That person kinda felt like… me.
I gave my brain the benefit of the doubt.
After that long pause, I told Penny, “I dunno. I just… wanna be better? Better than anyone expects me to be? Better than I could be?”
Penny giggled. It made me smile.
“You’re already good for me, Gumball.”
I sighed. “I just don’t feel like enough.”
Penny titled her head and put her fry back on her tray. “Enough for me?”
“No,” I said. “Enough for me.”
“Gumball,” Penny sighed. “What does that even mean?”
I tried to explain myself as clearly as possible.
“You ever think you’re thinking something, but you can’t figure out what it is you’re thinking, so you keep thinking about thinking of what you’re thinking about, so you just end up thinking about thinking about thinking?”
Penny sat there and blinked a couple times.
“Maybe?”
“It’s like that,” I told her.
“Okay,” Penny started, sitting back in her seat. “This reminds me of something Mr. Small told me.”
I scoffed.
“You talk to Mr. Small?”
Penny simply said, “We all need help sometimes.”
I shook my head. Lately, Mr. Small hadn’t exactly been a great source of help for me.
“He said,” Penny started again, not really needing my input, “If you’re ever feeling confused, try to think about where and when that confusion started. It may not solve everything, but it’s a good place to help yourself.”
I didn’t realize it, but I was practically hanging over the table. I sat back again, trying to be less weird around everyone. As not-weird as I could ever be. “That’s actually really good advice…”
Penny watched me as I looked down at my food again, letting me think.
What Mr. Small said today. That was the start of it, right? Or was it mom’s wedding dress? Or maybe it was both of them put together?
Or maybe it was something else?
C’mon, Gumball. You know.
“Brain, please.”
I’m just saying. Don’t think about it too much. You know the answer. It’s been there.
“That can’t be it.”
Maybe it isn’t, but you won’t know for sure until you talk about it, right?
“We’ve talked about this plenty, brain. Talked about it a lot before, and we’ll probably talk about it more later. And then more again. And I’ll just keep putting it away, because it’s crazy. It’s a crazy thing, brain. It’s crazy, and you know it’s crazy, but you won’t leave me alone about it.”
Gumball…
“I’m not gonna let one little day change everything!”
It isn’t just one day.
“Gumball?” I could hear Penny whisper.
Okay. I was crying. Whoops.
Talk about it with someone other than me.
“Maybe I don’t wanna be a guy.”
I whispered it. I whispered it as quietly as I could.
“Oh…”
Penny went to say something else, but she stopped herself.
I winced. “Is that okay?”
Penny leaned in even closer, and handed me a napkin.
“It is. I just. Ya know. ‘Oh.’”
I used the napkin to blow my nose and wipe my eyes. That was probably the wrong order to do it in.
“But I am a guy,” I said, backing away from Penny. “I play video games.”
“People who aren’t guys can play video games,” Penny countered.
“I usually just hang with Darwin,” I added.
“So does Carrie. She’s not a guy,” Penny said.
Gripping the faux leather of my seat, I winced. “Sports are… a thing.”
Penny sighed, but she wasn’t giving up. “Gumball, none of those things are exclusive to boys.”
“But…”
Penny squished her hand against my face. She shushed me.
“What matters is…” Penny took her hand away, and my face sprang back into place, “If you don’t wanna be a guy, what do you wanna be?”
I just sat there.
“You really, really don’t have to answer that right now,” she said, giving me the smallest, sweetest smile she could.
“I wish I could,” I whispered, trying not to cry again.
It didn’t work out.
After a moment, Penny got out her seat, and held out her hand. After wiping my eyes, I took it.
“It’s okay,” she soothed. “Right now, let’s just… be on a date.”
For the first time in eight billion years, I smiled.
And I shook my head, and I couldn’t keep from laughing.
“How are you so cool with this?” I asked her.
“Let’s just say I have a history of fighting to find my true self… and having someone there to help and encourage me,” Penny said with a wink.
I laughed again.
“C’mon, I have an idea,” she told me, leading me out of the food court.
Before we went back to throw away what was left of our food.
So that was a couple weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been hanging out with Penny a lot lately. And lately, talking to her has been a lot easier.
Her idea? Yeah. She took me back to that store…
“Yes, it is I who is buying this makeup, to use for myself,” Penny declared, slamming the eyeliner on the counter.
“Uh huh,” I mumbled, kicking my foot against the shiny tiled floors, blinking as the light that flickered off of them caught my eyes a little too well.
“And certainly not for anyone else,” Penny added.
I gritted my teeth. “That’s right.”
Penny giggled. “For example, definitely not anyone else who’s here right now.”
Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up.
“Penny,” I harshly whispered at her as I stomped out of the store.
Penny went from giggling to laughing, her shopping bag swinging by her side. “I am not passing up on the chance for me to embarrass you for a change.”
Her pointing didn’t help.
But I swallowed my pride, even if doing so meant indigestion.
“Fair enough.”
Penny smiled, but it wasn’t sweet.
“I also think it’s really nice of you to offer, since I did pay for your makeup and all, for you to pay for our movie tickets.
I scoffed. “Unh!”
But I stopped myself.
“I mean, yeah. That’s more than fair.”
“Gumball,” Penny whispered.
“Yeah?” I asked with a tilt of my head.
“It’s nice to see you smiling again.”
The kiss on the cheek she gave me made the whole day worth it.
And even better, we saw each other the next day. And then the day after that. She promised she wouldn’t tell anyone what was on my mind. She wanted me to do what felt right for me. She showed me how to put on that eyeliner. She told me about how Miss Simians’ talk with the girls consisted of her starting up a video on her phone, muted and at double speed, throwing her phone into a bush, and forcing everyone to ‘go play!’
Yeah, it’s a great impression!
I did eventually get to tell Penny what my big ideas were. The fun ones, not… all these other ones. I told her about how some couples get matching jewelry. Like lockets or rings or something. She said she didn’t want me to spend any money on her.
So there’s your answer. That’s why I’m wearing these bracelets. She wears her own. That’s why I’ve been wearing my hair up. That’s why I’m… wearing makeup.
Yeah, Penny knows a lot of cool stuff about… stuff that I don’t think dad knows much about. And I feel really bad for flaking on Darwin so much lately, and Anais is gonna pop if she doesn’t figure out what’s up with me, and we should probably tell dad, but I don’t know how to tell them about what’s going on. And you’re kinda my female role model. So…
“Gumball.”
It stops.
“Mom?”
“I’m not letting anyone in this family think they can’t live their life how they want to.”
But it goes on.
“Whoa…”
One day at a time.
“And I just want you to know, no matter what happens, no matter what you decide, I’ll always be proud of you and I’ll always love you.”
A big hug, and soft hearts beating.
“I love you too, mom.”