Work Text:
The first time had caught him by surprise: He hadn't been able to catch any sleep through the whole night. It's true that it was a pretty normal occurrence for him, but this time it felt different, somehow. Firstly, he tried with all his might.
Secondly, if he was completely honest, he had dozed off for a while, but had woken up with a pang of anxiousness in his belly of a rather unknown origin. And thirdly, he knew he was supposed to feel happy, and to some extent he was, but somehow a different feeling lingered inside of him and really, where did that nausea come from?
So he spent the remainder of the night until the sun rose up and got a text telling him the van was on its way to his house picking an outfit for the day. Which didn't help either, because suddenly everything looked awful on him and he couldn't decide and really, what was going on?
And, even more odd was the fact that all of his anxiousness seemed to vanish for a blissful moment the instant he managed to pull Eunhyuk for a hug.
"Love ya, bro." The words had escaped his mouth before he could even realize it, and left him with a weird feeling in his mouth; an intrusive undefined thought that kept pacing around his head the whole day and a few more days afterwards.
What had that been?
He did love him. He loved all of them, they had been his friends for God knows how long now and they had been through much together. Of course he loved him. And of course he had missed him; he had missed every single one of them.
But then again, why did those words, blurted out before his mind had had any time to stop his mouth, had echoed inside of him in such a specific way?
He covered his face with his hands as he laid in bed and groaned. He really needed to sleep.
The second time had not surprised him as much, just the feeling that lingered afterwards.
They had been recording a new episode for Super TV and okay, he could totally see the appeal behind the idea of forcing them to live together as a couple but the fact they had partnered him with Eunhyuk was already giving him a headache. It was not that he wasn’t willing to spend a whole day with him. He was kinda looking forward to it, or he would, if I didn’t know just how annoying the younger one was probably going to be.
So, he was shocked once he realized that, even taking into account all the messing around, he was having fun. That was troublesome.
And maybe, all that teasing that was kinda but not really crossing certain lines made him lower his defenses, because once the night had already fallen, as they were resting on the couch, exhausted of a full day of recording and activities, he found himself looking at Eunhyuk, and his mouth moved faster than his brain:
"Love ya." If Eunhyuk was caught by surprise he managed to hide it good enough and just laughed.
"You know the crew left like half an hour ago, don't you?"
"I know, I know you brat. But I've missed you. We all did."
"Aish, look at this sappy old man"
"I take it back, I hate you to pieces." But as he turned back to his cellphone the younger one kept laughing and that sound made him feel all warm and cozy.
The third time had been a mistake. Not the fact that he had said it, because no matter how much he thought about it the next morning he could not really find himself having any regrets for saying it. Just, the whole situation.
Heechul had texted them after lunch. He had managed to free his busy schedule just a bit and somehow he was no really enjoying it as much as he thought he would, crying in the group chat about "being bored as fuck" and was now begging any of them to go out and grab a beer or something, saying how "I swear the walls are closing in, I dunno how any of you manage to stay at home for so long, oh god it is so quiet here, please, PLEASE, I'm buying, say something you fuckers"
And since he had nothing better to do he decided to go.
Once he arrived he realized that, well, of course, he hadn't been the only one to, what was he expecting? Donghae was there even if he wasn't drinking. He probably just missed Heechul. Wook was also there, laughing at some story Heechul was telling while pouring drinks for them. And so was Eunhyuk. Sitting by the only free chair on the table. He took a deep breath, said hi and let himself fall on the chair, fingers already grabbing the glass in front of him.
It turned out to be a great night, actually. All of them were feeling happy even before the bubbly feeling that came with the drinks had started to spread around their system; Ryeowook, still recently discharged, had way too many funny stories to share and watching Donghae cling to Heechul was always so goddamn cute. And there was also Eunhyuk, sitting by his side being his loud annoying self, even if that was kind of a lie, because he had not managed to find him annoying the whole evening, and okay, maybe his voice was a bit loud, blame the drinks for that, but he was also smiling and laughing nonstop and if Yesung could not help but stare from time to time it hadn't really been his fault. He had been drinking too, right?
Maybe a bit more than he ought to, because at one time, while Heechul was telling once again some story about not having any clean underwear, with Ryeowook and Donghae already laughing at it even if the story was just still beginning, he felt a finger sticking into his side and he couldn't help but jump on his chair, startled.
Eunhyuk's laugh filled his ears once again and he just gave him a quick glare, his hand reaching for his glass in a vain attempt to avoid his gaze.
"You're such an annoying brat, did you know that?" He finally said after emptying the glass down his throat, the warm feeling spreading and filling him to the brim and making him realize that perhaps, he should stop now, because that last words had been more of a slur than anything else. But Eunhyuk just laughed again and propped his head on his hand, probably feeling as dizzy as he did by the way his elbow missed the table the first couple of times, and smiled at him.
"And you've been staring quite a lot. Do I have something on my face?"
"Yeah" Before he could stop himself his hand had reached forward towards the younger's face and came to rest on his cheeks. He really hoped his own face was not betraying him at that moment because the instant he realized just how soft and warm his skin felt under his fingers a knot appeared in his stomach. He gulped and breathed, slowly, trying to come back to his senses. "You do have something in your face. It's that irritating look of yours."
After just a second of silence that seemed to stretch way beyond what the laws of physics should allow it, they burst into laughter, Yesung's hand still on his cheek and Eunhyuk's finger back at his ribcage, making him curse under his chuckles.
And something must have shifted at that exact time, because one instant they were laughing so hard they were on the brink of tears and the next one they were just looking at each other's eyes, a weird, dense atmosphere falling over them as they remained motionless albeit Yesung's thumb that was now slowly caressing the skin under it and the index on his ribcage that had been followed by four more fingers that were tracing small circles on his side.
"I love you" The words poured right out of his mouth, no will still in place to stop them, and with a voice so low that if they reached any ears, even the ones it was probably intended to, no one gave any sign of hearing them.
Just as fast as it came, the moment was gone, and if they managed to never cross his gazes again for the rest of the night, no one seemed to realize.
The fourth time should not have happened. He should not have said it and he regretted it, but there was no turning back now.
Sleep had been avoiding him for a while and those sleepless nights had been taking a toll on him, as anyone could see even if he tried his hardest to conceal it. And thus, everyone had been worried about him, almost babying him trying to improve his mental state. That of course included Eunhyuk who, even if he refused to stop behaving like a brat around him anyone could see how, whenever Yesung wasn’t looking at him, his eyes wandered towards the singer, a worried look on them.
“You should really ditch those coffees of yours and try to drink more water.” He said as he handed him a bottle, a soft smile on his lips.
They had been recording all day and when the time came to pack up and leave, Yesung had flopped onto a nearby sofa, the headache and dizziness he had been feeling for hours now making it harder to stand up, much less think straight. And now, raising his gaze to look at Eunhyuk in the eye was proving a really tiresome chore.
“Sorry.” The younger one let out a soft chuckle and squatted in front of him, one of his hands resting on Yesung’s knee.
“What are you even sorry about?”
“I… I don’t know” He forced himself to smile, waiting for the moment Eunhyuk would start his whole annoying routine, knowing that it was definitely not the right time for that, but not wanting to give him a mean answer. Yes, he was having a rough day, but he knew better than to lash out on others because of that.
Surprisingly enough, the teasing never came. Eunhyuk just kept looking at him, his head slightly tilted, as if he was trying to guess what was going on inside his head.
“You really ought to take better care of yourself.” As he said those words, his fingers had started moving upwards, until they softly parted Yesung’s dark bangs away from his eyes. “What do you even expect us to do if something happens to you, huh?” His smile had grown softer just as his voice and maybe it was the migraine, and Yesung wasn’t really seeing clearly but he could swear there was something glistening in his eyes. He just wasn’t sure of what.
“I love you” It had been barely a whisper, but it echoed on the now empty room and as panic caught on with him he realized what he had just said. And it was not the only feeling starting to pool deep inside of him as he saw the shock in Eunhyuk’s eyes.
Before the dancer could even open his mouth, Yesung had somehow managed get up from the couch and leave the room.
The fifth time had been a dream. Or at least something in between wakefulness and the first stages of sleep which, after three days not being able to close his eyes for more than a few seconds, scared of what the dark behind them hid, had finally caught up with him.
And, while letting himself go into that liminal space, he could swear he heard Eunhyuk’s voice, so close to him, but somehow far away enough that he couldn’t make up any coherent word. And his lips moved on their own accord, mouthing those same three words over and over again until his body jolted from bed and he found himself engulfed in the darkness of his room.
And instead of sleeping, he cried until the sun rose again.
He had been hiding. And he knew he had been hiding and knew that was not the kind of thing someone should do after a certain age but he really could not help it. He just… didn’t want to face anyone. It was more that he didn’t had the strength to do so. He just needed a couple of days more. Just a few more days and then everything will be fine. Or at least, he’ll manage to act as if. That should do the trick.
So, he had been hiding in the rooftop in between rehearsals. Yes, it was immature, yes it had that whimsical air and no, it wasn’t really hiding considering people snuck up there all the time to smoke. But he needed the whole day dreamy scene. It… it kinda helped. Somehow. It made it less real, which made it easier.
And thus he sighed, sitting on the floor with his back resting on one of the tenths of air conditioning boxes that filled the rooftop, and pressed play on his cell phone, music filling his ears and numbing his thoughts.
He had been hiding his face in his hands for a few songs now when he was startled by a pair of arms that came out of nowhere, resting in his shoulders and hugging him from behind. As he rushed to take off his headphones he saw the pair of legs that now swung at his sides and the hug grew tighter.
“So here you were…” Eunhyuk’s voice whispered in his ear. Panic was growing inside of him now. He didn’t want to mess their friendship anymore, but he wasn’t ready to talk. No like this, not now, not alone. He tried to wriggle his way out but Eunhyuk just hold him tighter.
“Can you… hear me out, please?” His voice was soft and low, and he could feel the small puffs of warm air over his ear. “Just listen. And then you can leave, okay?” Yesung turned his face to the skyline again, biting his lower lip as the anxiety bit him at his stomach and, after almost a full minute, nodded.
“Thank you…” He could hear Eunhyuk sighting. “So… you’ve said it quite a lot recently… but I need to now. Because you keep saying again and again those three words, and that’s great, actually, because of course me too. But.” He stopped, trying to collect his thoughts and Yesung could feel a small pang of nausea gnawing in his stomach now. He tried to raise his hands and cover his face, but Eunhyuk was faster and suddenly, their fingers were intertwined and he was using that to hug Yesung’s chest with both their arms now.
“But I guess I need to know. It’s not the same to say ‘I love you’ than to say ‘I love you’” It was kinda unreal how he had managed to say the same words twice and, at the same time, had made them sound like two completely different things. “Because I know you love me, and you know I love you, but I really need to know if you…well, if you love-love me. Since I do love-love you. If that makes any sense at all.” He ended with a whisper as he held his hands tighter in between his and let his chin rest on the crook of Yesung’s neck.
“I do love you.” He finally blurted out, confused, nervous and anxious.
“Uh-uh…” Eunhyuk muttered as he tilted his face downwards and now his lips were almost grazing the skin on Yesung’s neck. “But do you love-love me?” He repeated again, that same singsong tone upon the words that were about to make Yesung burst into tears.
He hold tighter to one of Eunhyuk’s hands, pushing it slowly towards his mouth and left a soft, silent kiss upon it.
“I love-love you.” Eunhyuk’s body shivered behind him and he let his lips rest over the skin on Yesung’s neck.
“Good.”