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Johnny grits his teeth all the way in the skulking corner that he has self-claimed in one of SM's bigger practice rooms.
This new project - NCT 2020 - exciting as it may sound, has managed to disorient him so much that the past two years of him rising in fame might as well just mean nothing now, the moment the project is announced.
He debuted a little later; great, he accepted it. Better than getting cut.
He got almost no lines at the beginning; he smiled through it and thought, maybe next time.
He got asked to personally handle his project, JCC; he said no problem because at least he had some control of the content he wished to create, if only a little.
He did it all and did it well, and little by little, his hard work actually brought him the popularity that no other promotion from the company ever brought. He started feeling better about himself. Even beat his depression sometime last year after finally having the courage to let Ten know that he needed a time out to work on himself first before their relationship, to which Ten accepted with big heart.
(No, it didn’t have anything to do with the fact that Ten was away in China, and then the US, and then Korea, everywhere at once while Johnny stayed jobless. It didn’t have to do with the fact that while Ten was promoting at a million hour mile per second, Johnny grew to find strength from a different member who equally needed support like he did after his other half was shipped off the way Ten was)
And finally, sometime early this year right before Kick It promotion, he felt his universe shift, like as though there is something solid that set a balance in his spinning world. Since then, he began to look at life differently. These days, he goes to bed every single day feeling grateful for what he has, no longer letting thoughts of what he could have had consume his sleepless nights like those days in the past.
(It also helped that his roommate was always a lovely sight to behold, in his oversized hoodie and round, warm cheeks)
So, no, he doesn’t think he will ever return to that low point in his life ever again. He doesn’t know how to anymore, and he feels certain his entire being rejects going back to that state. But this - this new project, it is achingly similar to 2018, to a time when he was only swaying in the background while the spotlight shone on a select few, and it leaves his mouth tasting like ash every time the deeply buried memory crosses his mind.
He loves his team, adores the younger members, and is excited to get to know the new ones, but he feels an unbearable resentment toward this project the same way Kun probably does.
(Oh, but Kun is one of the first few people who’s going to be promoting this time, isn’t he?)
Johnny glances to the other side of the room, where Kun is surrounded by most of the Chinese members and more, all trying to get their gege's attention in one way or another, and Kun glows the way he never did in 2018.
There’s a lot to be grateful for, Johnny whispers to himself every day like a mantra, but really - what is there to be grateful for, when his ordinary-and-nothing-special-to-show-except-for-his-native-language-skill ass might just lose his standing amongst the large crowd, again, and lose his muse’s attention to Mark, again?
“Stop being so gloomy, you’re raining down on everyone’s parade.”
Johnny glances sideways and finds Ten leaning comfortably against the wall next to him with that same old smile that never fails to untie whatever messy knot is settling at the pit of his stomach.
Johnny bites back a twitch of a smile.
At least this is constant, him and Ten, and there was never doubting where he stood with him come hell or high water, 2018 or 2020 or the afterlife, if it exists.
“At least try to be happy for my babies, will you? They’ve been so excited since the company announced this project,” Ten pokes at Johnny’s cheeks. “They’ve been looking forward to finally officially promoting as NCT.”
Johnny doesn’t swat the hand away, he never does. He lets Ten do whatever he wants, because Ten is an immovable force who moves at his own pace at his own comfort.
He does search for Ten’s so called babies, though, and finds them appearing to have a great time socializing with the rest of the members.
His eyes finally settle to the most familiar ‘baby’, someone Johnny knows he has at least one thing in common with.
They’ve been trading knowing looks ever since they entered this practice room, every time their mutual person of interest seeks for the attention of one repentant Mark Lee.
“Ah, seizing up your other love rival?” Ten follows his gaze, looking amused. “You guys are so hopeless it’s actually funny.”
Johnny sends him a half-hearted glare, because he likes to think that his case is not as hopeless as Yangyang’s, who he bet has no idea how Donghyuck likes his eggs in the morning.
(“You’re so good at it, hyung, unlike that loser Lee Markeu,” Donghyuck would say sweetly as he joins Johnny in the kitchen and makes himself comfortable while he watches Johnny make his breakfast, and Johnny would fix his sweatpants to hide his morning excitement because he has a type and Donghyuck checks every box he has)
“Alright, listen.” Ten turns to face him fully, and Johnny drops his gaze from where Mark and Donghyuck are practicing some random duet for a cover that will never see the light of the day in the other corner of the room so he can honor Ten properly with his presence, because Ten deserves that much.
“Promoting with SuperM has made Mark realize how much of an ass he was to Donghyuck, and now he’s finally back to make amends. You need to at least give him the chance to do that.”
Johnny snorts, finally finding his voice. “You mean you finally knocked some sense to him.”
“I’m not confirming nor denying that,” Ten says pointedly, and Johnny rolls his eyes because that is as good as a confirmation coming from Ten, who rolls his eyes back and admits. “Look, he was all miserable and had no idea why. I had to give him a gentle push.”
“Which is clearly working, so kudos to you.” Johnny looks at Donghyuck again, who is now laughing whole heartedly with or at Mark, and he can’t remember the last time he’s made him burst with that much happiness. He wonders if he ever managed to, in the times that he’s tried. He clenches his jaw. “It’s fine, you probably did the right thing. Donghyuck clearly missed him too.”
Ten shifted closer and leans his head on Johnny’s shoulder. He looks wistful, something Johnny doesn’t get to see often. “You knew they were always going to find their way back to each other. In any universe.”
Johnny can’t argue with Ten, because he does know.
He knows it all too well, since he and Ten are exactly like that too.
No matter who they seek for a one night comfort, or even for a lifetime, none of these passing names would matter at the end of the day.
The same way you don’t think of Jaemin without a lingering thought for Jeno, the same way Yuta’s smile turns softer the moment Winwin walks into the room, it’s like as though their fate has been written up since the dawn of time by a higher power that decided they would one day meet each other for the first time and think, oh, where have you been this whole time?
So crushes come and go, but this, Johnny knows, is a constant that stays, that will keep him at bay, and the same way Johnny could never hold Donghyuck’s attention for a very long time, nothing and no one could ever come and shake the strong foundation of Johnny and Ten’s home that they have built from ground up since way back in 2015.
Johnny lets himself relax and rests his head on Ten’s.
“Thank you. I needed to hear that.”
Ten hums softly. Then, after a beat, he stresses, “Just to be clear, this isn’t some elaborate plan to get you back or anything.”
Johnny finally breaks into laughter and feels light, because the fact that Ten felt the need to defend himself means it probably was a part of some plan, and it is nice to be reminded that Ten’s possessive streak will never change. It’s nice to be reminded that he is wanted and cherished, as undeserving he may be.
Johnny humors him though, and finds that he means it when he says back gently, “I know. We have a lifetime for that.”
(They do, and they talk about it a lot. When the world can accept them better in another decade or two, will they settle in Thailand and choose an easy retirement away from anymore spotlight, or will they venture a career in the US and bask under the very glory that keeps their blood strumming in adrenaline day in and day out? Whatever it is, there is never a future where they won't be together, because they have an entire lifetime)
Johnny can feel Ten breaking into a smile despite not seeing it, and gets to his feet. “Well, let’s practice then.” Johnny offers Ten his hand to take.
Ten matches his grin as he does, and when their hands fit just right, the world seems to be at a balance again.