Work Text:
December 6, 2020
Hello. I’m trying something new. Haknyeon told me to try out this journal thing so here I am. I don’t know if I should introduce myself? Because this book feels like a stranger to me right now.
Anyways, here I am, Ji Changmin, 23 years old. I work in a dance studio with that Haknyeon I mentioned before. I have been working there since I graduated high school. I did not go to college. I figured it was a waste of time to do so when I was offered a job here. My mom kicked me out of our house for that decision but oh well, at least I love what I am doing. It is fun seeing people discover and explore their love for dance through our dance studio. Every day, I look forward to the sparkle in their eyes when they perform in front of us.
Okay, the reason why I started this, after months of Haknyeon pestering me to do so (he said it would help me deal with the emotions I often bottle up) is I think I have found the person fated for me. No, I do not believe in destiny. I think life is what we make of it. We do something. There are consequences.
But something felt different when I saw him.
Let’s rewind a little bit for some context.
It was cold out even though it was 1 PM in the afternoon. I was heading home. I only taught morning classes for Sundays. Yes, I worked on Sundays but that is not the main point here. So again, I was walking home. I thought everything was as things should be. My days are often repetitive after all. And this stability was something I loved ever since I got it. High school did not provide me the emotional stability I needed as a growing man. Now that I am in my early twenties, I did not realize this was possible.
I’m sorry I keep changing the topic. I admit I can be such a scatterbrain that I can talk about 100 different things in a span of 15 minutes. Okay, back to my walk home. As I was looking around my surroundings, thinking about nothing, I saw a fairy.
I know this sounds crazy but you can’t really judge me. You’re a book. I’m a human.
Anyway, I saw this fairy. He had pink hair. He had the prettiest eyes and the clearest skin. He wore a grey hoodie and a mask, so I could not see his face completely. Without realizing it, my feet moved on itself. I kept walking and walking and walking. I could not keep my eyes off of him. When he adjusted his mask, I could see more of his face.
He is beautiful.
Fairy is an understatement. He could be a god for all I know. The wind also blew his hoodie off that I saw more of his pink hair. Oh god, he looks so good. Until now, I can’t erase his face from my mind. I knew I had to talk to him but I couldn’t. I tried to pick up my pace but I was too nervous. I was too shy. I did not want to come off as someone creepy. Well, it might be too late because I was following him but still. I continued to follow him until he entered this tall building. I looked up and noticed it was an entertainment company.
Cre.Ker Entertainment.
I made a mental note to research about this company. Is he a celebrity? I did not know anything about K-pop. Honestly, I only knew about the groups my students tell me about, like BTS, BlackPink, EXO, Twice… I know. I am Korean. I should know about K-pop. But I like Western artists more. Maybe this pretty man would be my gateway into K-pop.
So here I am, at home. Okay, that reminds me to search what Cre.Ker is and who that pretty man is. Let me take a moment, book.
Okay, I’m back. Cre.Ker is a small entertainment company and it just started operating since the previous year. I went through their social media accounts and there I saw the fairy. His name is Choi Chanhee. His name is so pretty. I swear. I think his everything is pretty. He is a solo artist under Cre.Ker and just debuted months ago. Around August? Hence, it’s understandable that he has a relatively small fandom.
I looked through his songs on Spotify. Actually, I’m playing one right now. It is part of his debut album. His voice is warm, like honey. I feel at home with his voice. It is as if he was comforting me personally.
To be honest, I know at this moment that I am having a small crush on this stranger. I want to talk to him. I know he is the person for me.
April 26, 2021
Happy birthday to my love, Choi Chanhee.
Actually, I forgot about this journal. Life has been busy. Ever since I saw Chanhee, I knew I wanted to make ways to know more about him. I talked to him a lot and discovered many sides when it came to him. He was an ulzzang before he was a singer. He likes collecting perfumes, especially from luxury brands. Actually, he loves luxury brands in general. That is why I always try to send him luxurious gifts. He hates tomatoes. I remember him puffing his cheeks whenever he had tomatoes in his meals. He listens to female artists a lot, especially Taeyeon and IU. His laughter is adorable.
I always met with Chanhee during his rest days. That was why today is special for me. I saved enough money to buy Chanhee’s albums. I think I bought 30 albums? Just to get into Chanhee’s birthday fansign. But I can confidently say it is worth it. After all, as long as I get to see Chanhee, I can spend all the money in the world. He is worth every penny I spend on him.
So this is how my first fansign went.
When I entered the venue, my eyes automatically gravitated towards Chanhee. That was when our eyes met. I shyly waved at him and he waved back. I could not ignore my heart racing as he did that. I am really in love with him. No one fits me better than him. I know our red threads of fate connect with one another. I knew at that point that the only thing stopping us from being an item was a confession. But then again, I am too shy and nervous to do that. Maybe someday. But not today.
The staff in the venue guided us where to go. I sat on those plastic chairs where fans would wait for their turn in the fansign. I could not take my eyes off Chanhee. He really is adorable, especially with how he interacted with his fans. He was so gentle with them. He looked so genuine. His smile was so bright. I could not think of anything else but Chanhee.
Are four months enough to fall in love with a person?
I don’t know. I only know that Chanhee felt special to me.
Lost in my thoughts, the staff suddenly called me to go up the stage for the fansign. I was so excited. There was a skip in every step I took towards Chanhee. It did not help that Chanhee was smiling at me.
“Hello, familiar face,” Chanhee greeted me with a small smile,” It’s your first time in a fansign, right?”
“Mhm,” I nodded. I was getting sucked into Chanhee’s eyes. There was a different glitter in them when he was working. I love every bit of it.
“Finally,” Chanhee laughed,” You always bump into me in public. Never knew you’re the type to go to fansigns. So you wanted to know what color I want to try on my hair?”
“You tried blonde and pink already,” I pointed out.
“I want to go back to brown,” he answered, slightly touching his head,” I think my scalp is getting angry at me.”
“I see that,” I joked,” But pink suits you so much.”
“Thanks,” Chanhee pulled his hair back which made me internally gasp. I swear he knows what he is doing. “I keep the pink because the fans love it.”
“I love it,” I complimented him,” It suits you a lot. You look ethereal.”
“Ethereal?” he paused,” I love how that sounds and it’s good that you love it.”
Before I could continue the conversation, I noticed that the staff was calling for me to get off the stage. I did not want to leave Chanhee. I want to spend more time with him but I guessed, at that point, there will be more opportunities to meet him. Even if there weren’t, I will make ways for that to be possible.
“It seems like my turn’s over. I’ll see you someday soon?” I did not care at that point if I sounded needy. I am needy. I need Choi Chanhee in my life.
“Soon,” Chanhee almost whispered. Just when I turned my head away from him, I noticed something odd.
Did Chanhee frown? Did he scoff?
Maybe he was just tired. He was booked right and left after all. He is a busy idol. I hope he gets some rest soon. I do not like it when he frowns.
May 14, 2021
Hello again, book. I am sorry I haven’t written long. I was only reminded of this when Haknyeon asked how journal writing was for me. But I guess I only update you about the love of my life, Choi Chanhee.
I want to confess.
I know we’ve only known each other for 5 months but he makes me feel something different. But I’m too shy to say anything to him. I want to figure out a way to tell him how I feel without exposing myself. What do secret admirers usually do? Well, they write notes and drop them off to their loved ones. But I want to make it more special. What can make it more special?
Flowers?
Chanhee is a flower. Chanhee is more beautiful than a flower. I think confessing through flowers would be the best decision. But I don’t want to send flowers that have no meaning. I also don’t want to send red roses. Those are… too normal. I want something that would signal it is me and at the same time, won’t expose me as the secret admirer. I can just imagine the look on his face.
Okay, that’s it. I’ll order the flowers first thing in the morning so it could be delivered tomorrow. I hope everything goes well.
May 16, 2021
It had been a day since the flowers were delivered. I feel nervous. I sent them to Cre.ker’s address. But maybe that was a mistake? I’m not sure. It could have been buried in the gifts Chanhee got from his fans.
I hope he sees them.
May 18, 2021
It had been three days. Nothing. I know Chanhee goes to his company every day. I’m sad, to be honest. I gave the flowers much thought. I googled for hours, trying to find the perfect kind of flower for Chanhee. But I guess, it was all for a waste. I forgot to write it here. I just realized that. I chose purple lilacs and blue roses. The colors have such a calming effect in my opinion.
Purple lilacs symbolize my love for Chanhee. I developed my feelings for this pretty man I only met months ago. The blue roses pertain to the secrecy of those feelings. I want to keep them as something only I knew for now.
I’m so disappointed that Chanhee did not see my bouquet. But then again, it’s normal to feel disappointed. It’s my fault. Maybe I should have sent the flowers directly to his house. Okay, note to self: I should send my gifts to Chanhee directly to his house next time. I did not know his address though but I can make a way to find out what it is.
I can know it from Chanhee himself after all.
June 15, 2021
Hello, book. Life has been busy but I continued meeting Chanhee. I thought our continuous meetings would tell him that I am the man for him but I was… I was wrong. I feel so mad right now. To put it into context, I’ll just tell you what happened today.
It’s been a month since I sent Chanhee flowers so I decided that today would be a good day to send him some. Of course, I did not choose any flowers. No. That is not the Ji Changmin way. I bought a couple of zinnias. They mean lasting love, like how I felt for Chanhee. I know it. I still love him even after six months of knowing him. I count every single day of loving Chanhee. And I can imagine every single day of my future with him.
Imagine that. A future with Chanhee.
Hence, I went to Chanhee’s apartment with a smile on my face. I was excited. Every step I took had a skip in it. I knew Chanhee lived alone so there would be no misunderstanding as to who the flowers were for. But you know, I’m worried about that too. Living alone is more dangerous. Someone might force their way in and hurt Chanhee.
I checked the note I left on the bouquet one more time, just to be sure.
Hello, Chanhee!
I’m not sure if you received the flowers I sent you before so I decided to send these to your house instead. I hope you love them! I kept you in mind while I was looking through different flowers. I’ll reveal who I am to you soon but for now, please, continue to bloom like the flower that you are.
I love you!
From,
Your Secret Admirer
I left the flowers just in front of the door to Chanhee’s apartment. I stared at the door for a few seconds, contemplating if Chanhee was home. I did not hear if Chanhee had a schedule on that day so I assumed he was there. I rang the doorbell to be sure and ran to the nearest post to hide. I peeked from there and to my surprise, I saw another man open the door.
He is a tall man. Taller than anyone I met before. Even though it was dark (keep in mind I just got home), I could see that the man is handsome. He looks like an actor. All I could think of was
Who the fuck is that guy?
Soon after, I heard Chanhee call out the man. He called him ‘Hoonie.’ I listened in more closely when I recognized his warm voice.
“Flowers?” The Hoonie person said,” And a note too. I think you have a secret admirer.”
Hell yeah, he did. And who are you? My eyes could not leave the scene, especially when Chanhee wrapped his arms around the man’s waist.
“I don’t need one of those,” I heard him say as he nuzzled his face into Hoonie’s back.
“Contented with me?” Hoonie smiled as he patted Chanhee’s head,” Maybe you’re ready for commitments?”
Oh god, is Chanhee cheating on me? I know we are not an item. Yet. But we are fated to be together. The fact that Chanhee is even considering this man for commitments. Oh god, no…
“Someday, silly,” Chanhee laughed as he took the flowers from him,” Just wait.”
I watched the pair go back in Chanhee’s apartment. I am… Do you understand how I feel? No one told me about Chanhee having a man other than me. But at the same time, I feel heartbroken. How can he think about committing to a man who looked like he slept around with other people? Chanhee is stupid for letting himself be fooled by a person like that. I then decided at that moment that it is my duty to rescue him from Hoonie. I know what I had to do.
I won’t let Chanhee go into the arms of another man.
June 22, 2021
I was not in the mood to see Chanhee. AT ALL. I never contacted him. I ignored him when I saw him in the streets. I never texted him. I did not visit his company. I am hurt. I am mad. I feel so down after seeing what I saw. Every time I saw remnants of Chanhee, I was only reminded of what happened that night.
I got an idea at that moment.
I know. I know Chanhee could never be replaced. I am still crazy for him. The only thing that stopped Chanhee and me from being together was this man named Hoonie. So I researched about him. I wanted to know how to eliminate him. But I did not want to do this abruptly. Oh no. That would hurt my beloved. I thought about it, how to warn him without exposing that I was the person who did it outright.
Oh right, that would be the best way, right?
Flowers.
So, while at work, I was looking through the dictionary of flowers. Again. I wasn’t sure what flower was perfect for how I felt. That was when Haknyeon found me.
“What are you doing?”
I was surprised by his sudden question then. I don’t know if I mentioned this to you before but he is another dance teacher in the studio I work in. He has this bad habit of meddling in other people’s business, something that I hated. But he usually doesn’t cause any harm so I tolerate him.
“Flowers? Are you courting someone, sunbae?” He asked. I ignored him. I did not have time for this. I had to decide which flowers I was going to send. But Haknyeon continued to pester me.
“Alright! Yes, yes, I am,” I snapped at him,” But I won’t tell who. It might affect his career.”
“Is it a celebrity?” I wanted to tape his mouth.
“Just shut up and leave me alone, Haknyeon.”
“If you’re thinking about flowers, I think it’s better to stick with the classic rose. Girls love roses,” he advised. I raised an eyebrow.
“Alright,” I nodded,” But leave me alone for now. Please.”
“Alright,” Haknyeon shrugged before doing what I said. Finally, peace and quiet. That was when I quickly looked up the many colors of roses. Each color had a meaning. It was for sure that I would find one that fits perfectly in my situation.
Red.
Blue.
Violet.
Black.
When I saw yellow, I thought it was perfect. Infidelity and jealousy. Chanhee has been cheating on me with that Hoonie person after all. Of course, his relationship with Hoonie is a short term fling. I am Chanhee’s do or die. I am the one he is fated to be with.
But sending a bouquet full of yellow roses would surely scare Chanhee, so I decided to search for more flowers. An innocent-looking flower to portray my feelings for him.
Violets?
Honeysuckle?
Aster?
Daisies.
Daisies looked gentle. Chanhee will not be scared of daisies right? I just wanted to tell Chanhee that I am jealous and that he should stop spending time with Hoonie.
I ordered the flowers as soon as I got off from work. I didn’t deliver it personally this time though. I am still hurt by what I witnessed so I asked the flower shop to send it. I still can’t believe Chanhee has another man in his life.
Hence, I just want to make sure that I will be the only man for him.
August 26, 2021
Chanhee never understood my warnings. That was why he is suffering now. I saw him yesterday and he looked depressing. He looked like a withering flower. He had dark circles around his eyes and he was almost skin and bones. Even though I always reminded him to eat, he refused to take any of my calls or messages. I guess he needs time to grieve over what happened. But maybe after this, Chanhee will realize that I, Ji Changmin, am the one for him.
Haknyeon told me an interesting story today during our lunch break. He said the police found the body of an actor who went missing around a month ago. His body was found in the river. I asked him if there were any suspects but he said he did not have a clue. Haknyeon looked so infuriated with what happened, cursing whoever done it. I asked him who was the actor. I did not watch a lot of dramas so Haknyeon expected me to ask that. He answered my question.
The actor’s name was Kim Younghoon.
October 7, 2021
It had been ten months since I first saw Chanhee. And my feelings are still the same. Even if they were not, I felt like they grew. Even though Chanhee is not talking to me, even though he is cold to me, I continue to court him. I thought of sending him flowers today, as usual. I decided to go to his place personally. I want to tell him directly today that I love him.
I looked up the meanings of flowers again.
Red roses? I love you.
Lavender? For love at first sight.
Pink? Admiration.
I chose coral roses in the end. Desire. I want him. I want him to be mine. I yearn to be Chanhee’s one and only every day. Coral roses seem to be perfect for my feelings.
After buying a bouquet of roses for Chanhee, I headed directly to his place. I know Chanhee would appreciate my visit. It has been months since we talked to each other. I miss his voice already.
I knocked on his door.
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
But no one answered. I searched for his extra key buried in one of Chanhee’s plants and unlocked the door. Chanhee mentioned before about this back-up key. I am lucky I kept this in mind. As soon as I went in, I inhaled the scent of the room.
Chanhee…’
That was all I thought. Thinking of him alone still sends shivers to my spine.
I went deeper into the apartment and left the roses on the dining table. I plucked one out of the bouquet before heading to Chanhee’s room. Yes, I memorized his apartment. I know I will someday move in so I memorized it the last time I entered the place.
When I opened the door, I saw a sleeping Chanhee on the bed. He looked so adorable. I watched him shift his positions as he slept.
He is so beautiful.
He is everything I wish for.
He is perfect.
I sat by the foot of his bed and waited for him to wake up. Lucky for me, he soon did. I called his name.
“Chanhee-yah.”
When Chanhee saw me, his eyes widened and he inched himself nearer to the wall of his room. He looked scared. Why was he scared? I looked behind me but there was no one. Was he scared of me? Why would he be anyway? They’ve known each other for ten months. Why did Chanhee’s pupils tremble and look at me as if I was a complete stranger?
“Who are you…?” Chanhee’s voice quivered. It hurt me hearing that question.
“What do you mean, Chanhee? We’ve known each other for months,” I answered,” You don’t recognize me?”
“Who…” Chanhee’s voice trailed off,” Are you… Are you the one who was sending flowers? Are you the one who’s been calling me nonstop? Following me everywhere?”
“Of course! I am your secret admirer,” I confessed, trying to approach Chanhee slowly,” I love you so much, Chanhee. I’ve been meaning to tell you that in person.”
“Were you…” Chanhee looked like he realized something but he preferred not to ask.
“Chanhee, come near me. I won’t bite. I can never hurt you. I love you the most after all,” I offered my hand,” You’re the most important person in my life. And I know we are fated to be together.”
I could not read Chanhee’s expression at that moment but there was this nagging voice in my head, telling me what it meant.
And I did not like it at all.
December 6, 2021
Happy anniversary to me meeting Chanhee!
I prepared a surprise today. It is a surprise for everyone, to show my undying love for him.
Haknyeon told me an interesting story today during lunch. He showed me his phone, his face showing disbelief.
Rising Star Choi Chanhee found in his apartment dead.
Choi Chanhee, who sang 'Melting Heart' and 'Lucid Dream', was found dead in his apartment by the police on December 6, 2021 at 6 AM in the morning. He died of...
Everything about the article suddenly became blurry. I do not want to be reminded of the pain Chanhee went through because of his own foolishness. I asked him why he found the news story so intriguing. He told me that it was creepy and that there was a flower on his corpse. It hurts writing this. It hurts thinking about my dead love.
“Maybe he just loved flowers,” I shrugged,” What flower was found on his body?”
“It was a red flower,” Haknyeon answered,” Maybe you’re familiar with it? I don’t know what it’s really called.”
I smiled a bit when I saw the picture of the flower.
"It’s called a Salvia,” I told Haknyeon as I returned his phone,” I think it means something.”
“Means what, sunbae?” Haknyeon asked. I inwardly chuckled before shrugging.
'It means Chanhee is forever mine.’