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Atsumu did not want to call it karma. He did not want to acknowledge it as such but it was, obviously, in all sense of the word, karma.
Everything started because it seemed fun. It was just for funsies. The satisfaction that brought Atsumu because of Tobio-kun’s jealous face whenever he gets too close to Shouyou-kun. He could not get enough of it. The other setter has been hella fun to tease back in high school but Atsumu thought the man got over being too simple, too easy to read.
He thought the man would be over it by now. They were well into their twenties, after all. Petty things should no longer be in their vocabulary, but Atsumu was proven wrong. On both counts, because apparently, Tobio-kun was still jealous and Atsumu still liked to tease him when it comes to that front. Petty. Nasty. And so, that was why everything else snowballed into… this mess.
He was left wondering with one question, in essence, considering the current situation he was in. When did it all change?
The situation was nothing extraordinary. It was something so cliche and common and cringey that Atsumu could not speak to any other soul about it, except for his twin brother. Osamu had already berated him for persuading Shouyou-kun to agree to his ‘nefarious scheme’ of making a certain Schweiden Adlers starting setter jealous to the point that he would have no choice but to confess to the wing spiker.
But despite all the warnings, Atsumu went ahead, because, in theory, it sounded hella fun. Fake dating Shouyou-kun will finally get the orange-haired spiker a long-overdue confession from the black-haired setter, Atsumu said.
That made sense to Shouyou-kun, apparently, because he said yes to actually fake dating Atsumu… about three months ago. They have been at it not exactly as dedicated as Atsumu had hoped, just a few lingering touches, hugs, stray kisses on cheeks, and all of it when they both knew that Tobio-kun would somehow see it or know about it.
Their social media following have been working hard, trying to find out if they were really dating or just that physically shameless with each other. It was not that big of a deal, just some tweets from people who call themselves “pro-shippers” and it did not make too much noise that it affected their overall image, so their little tirade went on along for about ninety days now.
The MSBY Black Jackals just finished their daily training, and Atsumu found himself looking over at where Shouyou-kun was standing in front o his locker, a black towel wrapped dangerously low around his hips. His locker was open but the spiker was too busy typing away with his phone that he just stood there, his hair dripping on his back.
And Atsumu, despite himself, continued to look. Maybe he can kiss him goodbye outside the training center and let it cause waves of rumors all the way to the Adlers’ headquarters or something. Just a little kick.
And that should have already felt really fun, but Atsumu felt like he was chasing after fading strings of something that was no longer there. It was already replaced with something else entirely. Something that crept up into his chest. Something ugly, and painful, and has the potential to destroy every bit of him.
They were training, as per usual, but there were smiles Atsumu gave to Shouyou-kun that he could not give to anybody else. It was a kind of smile that makes his jaw hurt and his chest tighten. Something about the bright fiery hair and the bright eyes and just the... overall person had him acting like he was a child who just received his first volleyball.
The laughter that danced along with the hair filled the Black Jackals’ training gym. Atsumu wiped his brow with his arm and watched Shouyou-kun talk loudly with one Bokuto Koutarou. It was their usual laughter, an exchange of confidence and amazement between the two spikers. He took a deep breath and watched the younger spiker’s movement. The way he carried himself very different yet the same from back in high school.
Hinata Shouyou rough edges were all polished now, and he shined on and off-court because of that. It was amazing, having to see, and having to know the past and the present versions of this young man, and where both merge into one so perfectly.
Bokkun was jabbing an elbow against a flustered Shoyou-kun when Sakusa Kiyoomi stopped where Atsumu was standing inside the court, watching the exchange.
“Say, Omi-kun, what if I tell ya I have gotten myself into such a mess?”
Omi-kun grunted in acknowledgment of his question but did not give an answer.
“Omi-omi,” pouted Atsumu, but his gaze was stuck at how Shouyou-kun’s orange hair turned a little bit darker as the strands were stuck on his forehead, wet with sweat.
“Told you that was foolish,” was what Omi-kun finally gave him. “Stop fooling around, Miya. Hmm. Or not. I think it was too late anyway.”
“That... was a very good way to boost my morale, Omi-kun.”
“No way. I was telling you how it was. You’ll know what’s up soon.”
Atsumu looked at Omi-kun weirdly, ready to press the other male for more information, but a burst of bouncing sunshine already got his full attention by yelling a very loud, “Atsumu-saaaaaaaan~!” He vaguely saw Omi-kun slump his shoulders, sigh, and walked away, presumably towards the showers. Atsumu welcomed Shouyou-kun as he jumped at him.
He caught Shouyou-kun perfectly and they hugged like that for a while, with Bokkun smiling behind them, cheering them on as he also went to the showers, speaking out loud about calling Akaashi. Once Atsumu placed Shouyou-kun down, the orange-haired spiker smiled brightly up at him, and they were alone in the middle of the empty volleyball court.
Shouyou-kun started to do the thing where he was absolutely sparkling with joy, “Atsumu-san! Thank you soooooo much! I just finished talking to the coaches, and the others like Meian-san and Sakusa-san... and I just talked to Bokuto-san and he was so excited! I know you will be, too!”
“Oh?” Atsumu counted in his head the ways Shouyou-kun will make him feel giddy and excited, and he could not even finish his mental list when the spiker spoke again.
“I’m going to graduate from the Jackals and move back to Brazil! I got an invitation to play for Asas Sao Paolo a few days ago! They called me and they even sent me a mail! Isn’t that soooooooo exciting? I will be able to beat that Bakageyama again!”
Atsumu blinked. That was... totally new. Totally unexpected, too. So, Hinata Shoyou’s... leaving? Again. After he just settled back here in Japan, with the Black Jackals, with the team, with... Atsumu. But Shouyou-kun was looking at him expectantly and he almost forgot what he was supposed to be doing. Right. He has to affirm this... latest development.
“Congrat’chalations, Shouyou-kun. I knew ya can do it. I am so touched ya thanked me for setting for ya the past year. Don’t forget me once ya get there, yeah?”
“Of course not, Atsumu-san! You helped me tons! Especially with our matches with the Adlers!” Then, Shouyou’s face went a flushed state so suddenly. He bit his lip and he started to wring his hands together. “There was also something else I have been meaning to tell you, Atsumu-san.”
“Eh?”
“A-about the t-thing we were doing?”
“Don’t hav’ta sound so suspicious about it, yanno, Shouyou-kun. What about it?” Atsumu gave him a smile, dreading the reply at the same time.
“You said if we try to kind of fake date outside, like... make Kage-Tobio jealous... he might actually realize what he really felt for me, right? Uhm... Well... He did realize it, Atsumu-san! It was rainy that night when I got the call from Asas, and in the middle of the night, too.”
“Hmm,” Atsumu acknowledged, kinda already knowing where the story was heading to.
“So, I... got too excited and called Kageyama. And told him about the offer!” Shouyou-kun started to laugh. He looked so very happy, too. “After I told him, he just... went to my place and... and he kissed me, Atsumu-san! He kissed me and then he confessed and told me that he could no longer stand not being with me and that he might have gotten jealous of us a little bit, and then he told me that he also got an offer, from Italy. And he said we can beat each other now on a higher level, and love each other at the same time, too.”
Shouyou-kun giggled and he had this look in his eye that his mind was already thinking about someone else. Thinking about Kageyama Tobio. “I really love him, Atsumu-san. And... and I think we’re actually together now! That Bakageyama is now... now my boyfriend.”
He blushed and smiled at Atsumu, almost breaking him right then and there. Shouyou-kun bowed his gratitude, “Thank you sooooo much for setting for me the past year, and for... and for doing that for us! You really helped, I believe! So, thank you so much for looking after me!”
Ah. To be the person who causes him so much joy. Could not be Atsumu, even if how hard he tried. And he tried. Atsumu reached out a hand, thinking of cupping Shouyou’s cheek but backtracking at the last second, so he resorted to patting the spiker’s orange head of hair.
“Ya really know how to make people appreciated. I really like that about ‘cha, Shoyou-kun. Don’t worry about it. I had fun, too.”
It was really all for the sake of fun, at first, and Atsumu could not deny that. But right now, when he can see how it all played out when the results of what he started had just slapped him across the face, Atsumu can feel that it was, in fact, no longer fun.
This was to be expected, Meian’s worried slaps on his back, Inunaki and Adriah’s too many questions, Bokkun’s curious stares, and the incessant disappointed shakes of Omi-kun’s head as he flubbed another serve. It was barely in, still out. He immediately heard Shouyou-kun yelled, “Don’t mind, don’t mind, Atsumu-san!”
He could have totally quipped it with, “Aiya, anything for my wing spiker, then.” But there was nothing to be said, not when it no longer matters, not when Atsumu already failed before he can even begin.
Of course, he knew it was foolish, as he threw the ball up in the air. It was totally a stupid thing. He ran and jumped up, and knew how it was wrong to meddle in other people’s affairs like that. When his palm snugly connected to the ball, Atsumu knew. How much of a mistake it was to fall in love with Shouyou-kun instead.
The spiker was a treasure and reciprocated his touches, his smiles, his hugs, all for the sake of them fake dating, all for the sake that Tobio-kun will perhaps notice, and take action. Which, he did, much to the happy ending of it all. A happy ending for them both.
There was no room for Atsumu right there.
Now they are set to enter a whole new stage, a higher place where mere mortals like Miya Atsumu would not have a place to be in, especially not on Shoyou-kun’s side. There has been a person there from the beginning, so why did Atsumu felt like there can be another ending to this?
The week was done in one slow blink. Meian and Inunaki pulled him aside to ask him what was wrong, with Omi-kun frowning at him when he said he was just having a bad week mentally, and that he promised that he would just rest for a weekend and be back to normal. They both remind him that it has been Shoyou-kun’s last week with the Jackals. Atsumu decided to ignore the statement.
After everything else, somehow, Atsumu still found himself in the locker room, changing his clothes after a cold shower that did not do anything but numb him even further.
“Atsumu-san! Atsumu-san?”
He tried to find the energy to smile, “Yes, Shoyou-kun?”
“Uh... I wanted to, uh... Can we hang out for a bit? I have been spending time with our team members individually the past days, you see? I was cleaning my place with Sakusa-san yesterday! And I went eating barbeque with Bokuto-san the day after that, and...”
“Sure, Shouyou-kun.” Suddenly, Atsumu was filled with some kind of urge he could no explain. An emotion that wanted him to abandon anything else but act, but say something. An emotion that drove him to want. “We can watch volleyball replays at my place, then? With just junk food, because ‘Samu would not be around. ‘s that okay for ya?”
“Sounds good! Can we go now? Uwaah! Thank you for spending time with me, Atsumu-san! Today’s my last day here for a while. My flight back to Brazil is tomorrow afternoon, same as Tobio’s flight to Italy.”
“Right.”
When Omi-kun raised an eyebrow at him, he purposely ignored it, and instead gave Shoyou-kun a wide smile, the widest it can get considering everything that has happened, was happening, and about to happen.
“That straight was awesome! How awesome is that? Uwah, he totally flew!”
Atsumu chuckled as he finished the last of his lone can of beer, “You look cooler when you spike straights, Shouyou-kun. Ya totally fly every single time, and it was always amazing.”
“Eh? Th-thank you, Atsumu-san! That means a lot to me! Now, I even have mo confidence that I can beat Tobio again, this time, from a higher level place! Waaaaaaah! I am so excited.”
He shook the can. Nothing. It was not enough for the situation he was in right now as he barely felt the buzz in his brain, but still. Can there be more intoxicating than Hinata Shoyou’s head on his shoulder as he browsed more volleyball games in Atsumu’s laptop as they sat on his bed, opened plastic bags of chips, and two empty cans of beer around them?
“Ya really don’t know how to stop, Shouyou-kun.”
“Hmm?”
Atsumu could no longer hold back the words that were flushed out of him, “Ya could have stayed here, yanno. We can always be the V. League champions, together... But ya just keep on reaching higher, going to someplace farther... leaving me here, on earth. Or something...”
“Eh?”
Atsumu looked at Shouyou. Really looked at his face. His kin was a few shades tanner than how it was in high school, his jawline pronounced, his eyelashes long and so orange, and his eyes have been that kind of bright that Atsumu could not help but get caught up with the dancing flames in them.
“Shoyou-kun... Hinata. I am not an expert when it comes to this even though I try to boast about it every single day... Say, Hinata-san, what if I tell ya that I have fallen in love with ya?”
He watched Hinata’s eyes widen with surprise, and he unconsciously pulled away from Atsumu in the process, making the faux blonde chuckle. “Hmm. I see.”
“No! It’s not... it’s not like that!” Hinata immediately amended. “I am not disgusted. I don’t hate you, Atsumu-san. I was just totally surprised! I don’t know what to say. I did not know that you developed... feelings like that, for me.”
“’s fine, Hinata. I did not know that m’self either. I just fell for ya because ya were always amazing, always bright, always that one person I was drawn to.” Atsumu found himself laughing yet there was nothing to laugh about. “I cannot help but walk to where ya are, even though I kinda knew that there has always been a person that was beside ya, all this time.”
“Atsumu-san. I am sorry, I really did not know. I thought we were just fake dating just so Tobio will confess to me. And... he did, and I... I really do love him back, Atsumu-san. I really am sorry.”
“I know.”
“Still! I don’t want us to be all awkward. I still like you as my friend and as an amazing setter! Please don’t be awkward around me, Atsumu-san. I would really be sad.”
“Nah, this... this was all my fault. Ya don’t have to say anything, do anything, just... a request. Something selfish.” Atsumu took his laptop away from Hinata, closed the lid, and placed it on the bedside table. He looked back at the spiker and took his hand in his, “Can ya stay the night with me?”
“Atsumu-san.”
“Nah, ‘s nothing serious. ‘M not gonna do anything to ya. Just... let me hold ya. When we sleep. Just tonight. I just want to... experience something that yer dear Tobio-kun will always experience for the rest of his life. For yer dear setter, yeah?”
Something in Hinata’s eyes softened and Atsumu wanted to look away and tried not to think that it was just pity. This was something he requested himself, as someone who had been used to being given a lot of things, love being one of them. For Atsumu to voice out something like this, had him wanting to run to the hills.
But he was here now. Hinata was here now.
“Okay, Atsumu-san. I just don’t want you to–”
“I won’t. I promise.”
Hinata nodded and smiled, but it no longer reached his eyes. “We can sleep now if you want. It’s almost midnight.”
“Right.”
They awkwardly shifted how they were on the bed until both of their heads hit the pillows on Atsumu’s king-sized bed. Hinata faced away from Atsumu and waited for the faux blonde to do something. Atsumu took a deep breath, scooted towards Hinata, like a malnourished plant going for the sunlight, and wrapped his arms around his back.
He felt Hinata tense slightly, at first, but he got comfortable as his back pressed against Atsumu’s hard chest.
“Good night, Atsumu-san.”
Atsumu’s throat tightened up and his chest constricted, painful. “G’night, Shou-kun.”
They stayed like that, well more Atsumu than Hinata, as the orange-haired spiker was already asleep in five minutes. He has always been like that, sleeping in their bus, sleeping in the gym, as if the sun had to set before it can shine all day again.
He closed his eyes and breathed in the sleeping person inside his embrace. He breathed in all of Hinata. The warmth of his skin, the rhythm of his breaths, the scent of his hair. This was something he would not have for long, an experience that will only last until morning, something that he would have to live without starting tomorrow.
He knew he had to move on but, how can someone move on when nothing ever started? When there was nothing to move on from? That was why, with just tonight, perhaps Atsumu can have something to look back to, someplace he could pour out all of the what-ifs and the maybes and everything else in between.
Atsumu opened his eyes, his brain already in the middle of falling asleep. He looked at the orange hair and slowly, he moved his head closer until his nose got tickled by the tufts of hair. He kissed Hinata’s head and held him tighter as if they were lovers and nothing like friends and the love in his heart did not go unrequited.
“Good night, Shou-kun. I really, really love ya. Wish ya could have let me take care of ya. I would never hurt ya, never let go of ya, never gonna let ya starve or be unhappy, or... Fuck, what the fuck am I doing..?”
Atsumu took one last deep breath of the person he was holding, closed his eyes, and willed himself to slumber and tried to freeze the moment at the same damned time. He hugged Hinata closer, keeping him as warm and as loved as he could, with a short a time he was given.
When Atsumu woke up, it was just after dawn. He groaned, his head hurting as he immediately sat on the bed. He was alone. The space beside him had already gone cold.
He gritted his teeth and tried to wake himself fully, enough to function and to think. He looked at the clock. It was just a little past six in the morning. He frowned as he saw a receipt on the bedside table, on top of his laptop. He reached a hand to get it. It was the receipt for chips and a couple of beer cans from last night.
It was a very short note, from Hinata Shouyou.
Thank you for everything, Atsumu-san. I still do not know what to tell you, or what I could have done for you, but I really am grateful for your love. I am sorry that it would have to lead to a heartbreak. That was the least I wanted to leave behind. I am sure you will be happy with someone who can really love you, something I could not do. You took care of me really well, Atsumu-san. See you someday! I’m off to Brazil now!
Atsumu wanted to laugh but he could not. Instead, he grabbed his phone and rang the number he knew could not deny his calls. It picked up the second ring and by the time he pressed the phone against his ear, his throat already closed him, and he fought back the tears.
“This better be worth my time, ‘Tsumu.”
“’Samu... He just left. Shou—Hinata. And I...”
“...Ya finally got yer heart broken.”
“I know ya will say ‘told ya so’ but...” Atsumu laughed as he quickly wiped his tears before they trailed down his cheeks. “...ya did not warn me how much it would hurt. Yer terrible, ‘Samu.”
“I’ll go there. I’ll bring food.”
He tried hard not to sniffle, trying to keep his breathing as steady as he could, “’Samu...”
“Ya really gonna be all shy with me now? Keep on cryin’, ‘Tsumu. If it eases the pain. I’ll be there soon.”
“I really love him, ‘Samu. I really do, and I was just... realizin’ it all now. Right now. When he was already gone and on a plane and being all in love with someone else... I held him in my arms last night but I could not look at him because what if I find him really pitying me, ‘Samu? But he really did not feel anything for me. There was nothing, ‘Samu, but here I am...”
He let himself fall, face first, on the pillow where Hinata’s scent lingered best, “Ah, fuck. I am so pathetic... I really fell for him, ‘Samu. I really did. I could not even ask for anything else. Not when all I wanted was for him to stay.”