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Epic Tales of the Serial Killer Mummy

Summary:

After they completed a particularly bloody mission, Mori sent 16!Soukoku trick-or-treating for some bonding time.

Notes:

So it was originally meant to be longer, but then I woke up today and thought "oh no I forgot about it". Whoops.

But here we go!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"What do you mean, trick-or-treating? We're not kids, damn it!" Chuuya yelled.

"You're so short, anyone could mistake you for an eight year old!"

"YOU STUPID MACKEREL! GET BACK HERE AND LET ME PUNCH YOU!!!"

Dazai laughed as he dodged various kicks from an angered Chibi.

"But, Mori-san, why do you want us to beg for candy? If we wanted candy, we could always destroy the nearest store! Or better yet, with all the candy, I can die from a sugar high!" Dazai ducked under yet another roundhouse kick.

Mori sighed. Was this how it felt to raise kids?

"Hm, is it even possible to die from too much sugar?" Dazai mused. "I've only heard it increased chances of death…"

"I want you to go together for some good team bonding time," Mori interrupted.

"WHAT?" Dazai and Chuuya simultaneously stared at him in horror.

"You- you can't possibly be asking me to go with this short Chibi!"

"With him? That damn annoying-"

"Oh! I see! You want us to safely retrieve candy for Elise under the pretense of bonding!" Dazai nodded understandingly as he jumped backwards to avoid a series of lunges.

Mori sighed again.

"No, I actually want you to go out and bond."

"We just finished a mission together and you want us to go out again? We haven't even had the chance to change yet!"

Dazai looked down at his blood-spattered outfit.

"It's Halloween. This is very good timing."

"Okaaaaay~, I see that you understand what your task is. But please remember, Elise only likes the red candies~!" Mori said before he left, leaving Team Soukoku alone.

 

"I knew this wasn't just a bonding mission! He'd never do that to us, right, Chibi?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A CHIBI?"
"Says the one whose hat makes up for the majority of his height~~!" Dazai called as he ran outside.

 

It was later that night when they walked around a loud neighborhood. Kids ran up and down the streets, talking to friends and asking for candy. Dazai and Chuuya just strolled around, looking for red candies.

"Do you see anything?"

"Nope."

"I predict-"

"Dazai, stop with your predictions, it's getting a little creepy. How the hell did you know that exactly twenty of the candies that we were randomly given were going to be red?"

"Buuuuuuut~~" Dazai whined. "Look! We'll get another red one from that house over there."

Chuuya sighed. Of course, they did happen to get a red candy from that particular house.

"How many candies do you think we need?"

"Eh, maybe fifty, it doesn't really matter. As I suggested, we can visit that store later~! I even devised an entire plan! Here, listen-"

Even as they neared the end of the street, Dazai was still going on and on about his backup plans to steal candy.

"Of course, if following the path to evade the security cameras doesn't work, we can always-"

Chuuya tuned him out. They were going to get the candies and not raid a store. Two missions in one day was taxing enough, he didn't need a third one! 

 

His thoughts were interrupted by the lady at the next house.

"You have such a creative outfit!" she told them. "The fake blood looks so realistic! Are you supposed to be a serial killer?"

She then looked at Dazai.

"A… serial killer… mummy?"

The two mafia members looked at each other.

"Definitely."

"If you say so~! But I'd say he's more of a serial killer chibi."

"WHY YOU-!"

 

The continued bickering as they headed towards their next destination. The lady watched them as they left, smiling fondly, as they reminded her of her own children. What she didn't know about the blood wouldn't hurt her.

 

In the end, they managed to collect exactly 542 red candies (how they got so many is a mystery). The other colored candies were lost in a massive candy fight. Because of course Dazai instigated a food fight in the neighborhood when he began pelting Chuuya with chocolate. And of course the neighborhood children thought that was a great idea. The worst part was that Chuuya was the only target.

 

Elise cheered when they arrived, taking her candy.

"You didn't put any of it on yourself, did you?" she asked, inspecting Chuuya's candy-covered outfit.

"No, it was those stupid children! And Dazai, who is technically a child too!" Chuuya yelled. "Ugh, his maturity level…"

"Chibi is shorter than I am, so he is the child!"

"NO!!!" Chuuya would have thrown candy at Dazai right then and there, except they didn't have any. He settled for a punch, but Dazai dodged. And candy ended up on the wall of the office.

 

"And I suppose you should clean yourself up before you ruin the nice walls here!" Dazai said.

 

"Don't think I've forgiven you for this," Chuuya glared as he made his way out. "I'll get you back next time."

 

"As long as the hats haven't eaten your brains by then!" Dazai waved.

 

"So…" Mori muttered to himself. "Was this a success?"

 

"Guess I'll have to see what happens next year."

Notes:

Thanks for reading :)

I actually started his March 22. Someone from a certain bsd-related server (karmicMayhem) said something in a certain chat. So that's what happened.

Don't worry I question myself every day. I don't even know what I wrote because I just woke up.