Work Text:
They were sitting in the bean bags of their dorm when the subject first came up.
"Neil, now that I think about it, and, you know, considering everything... Have you ever celebrated Halloween?" Nicky asked, initially without taking his eyes off the screen of his own cell phone.
Andrew had no idea what his cousin was doing there in the first place if he had to be honest. The new division of the dorms had taken place some time ago, and as far as Andrew's eidetic memory allowed him to remember, Nicky should’ve been retreating with Matt and Aaron elsewhere. But no, here he was digging up unnecessary things. Even Kevin, across the room, and focused on his laptop, wrinkled his face at what was being said.
“I mean, last year's Halloween doesn't count. It wasn't worth it enough and you were still filled to the gut with problems,” Nicky kept speaking and Andrew would have rolled his eyes at the truly considerate expression that was forming on Neil's face if he cared enough.
“Obviously I didn't celebrate, but Halloween was always an excellent time to be able to walk down the street without drawing any attention. All the turmoil and people in costumes helped a lot.”
"That's sad. We should give it another try this year, now that the waters are calmer among everyone,” Nicky grinned in the way that everyone already recognized as a danger. "Can you imagine if we all wear some group costume—"
"Literally nobody can imagine that, it's impossible and you know it," Kevin blurted out the words.
Nicky rolled his eyes but there was no heat in the gesture. “As I was saying to Neil,” he pointedly looked at Kevin, probably a rebuke for the interruption, “how about we do something this year? We all go to Eden’s together again and the night will be great.”
As cheerful as Nicky was, Neil immediately wrinkled his nose and many thoughts about too many people in little space and probably with fake weapons in their costumes crossed his mind. He felt suddenly claustrophobic and started to scratch his throat.
"No. I don't want to,” he didn't look directly at anyone when he spoke.
That was what finally caught Andrew's attention. He shifted his gaze from the nothing he had been staring at for the past few minutes to where Neil was still avoiding everyone's faces and incessantly scratching the skin of his throat. That was a bad habit he had acquired and he couldn't say exactly how it started, but at some point, it was just there. It came along with the habit of obsessively pulling some of the T-shirt fabric around his chest, but the latter disappeared shortly after he managed to buy his first chest binder.
This was also how Andrew started to touch Neil on the nape of his neck whenever he started to irritate that area with his nails. He supposed that the weight of his palm was somehow grounding. Whatever it was, it worked, so whenever he was on a good enough day to allow that casual touch, Andrew would do it.
Now, however, Kevin and Nicky were here, they were not alone.
"Roof?" Andrew asked, in Russian because they were learning that language and naturally started with the most important words and expressions, like ‘yes or no?’, ‘roof’, ‘idiot’, and whatever else they might need right away.
"Yes," Neil replied and stood up shortly thereafter, walking without hesitation to the door and out of the dorm, leaving Nicky gaping and interrupted in the middle of a conversation behind.
They walked and went up the stairs to the roof all in silence. Neil was still too contemplative for it to be a good thing, so Andrew already started pulling a cigarette out of his pocket before they even reached the top of the stairs. He lit it out of Neil's field of vision — because he still didn't get along with lighters — and took it to his lips.
When they were sitting near the edge of the roof, Andrew took the entire package and silently offered Neil a cigarette too, but he denied it with a negative nod.
Now they were alone, so now Andrew could finally—
"Yes or no?" He asked, extending a hand towards Neil's neck but not touching him yet.
"Yes."
With the consent, Andrew slowly held Neil's neck using his free hand, not moving or anything, just being a firm weight there. He wasn't going to ask, but he knew Neil could see the doubt in his eyes, so eventually, the auburn-haired man sighed and started to speak.
"I think I want what Nicky was suggesting, but at the same time, I don't know."
"Don't try to push your limit over a bunch of idiots," Andrew deadpanned. He always said that.
"That’s not it. I just… want to give things a try, maybe?”
"But you seemed sure about not wanting to go to Eden’s, so what is it?"
“Um, yeah, I definitely don't want to go there. Maybe something less crowded? Can you think of anything?”
"Are you asking me to plan a Halloween event for you, Josten?"
"No, I'm not. Unless—"
"I won’t do this."
Neil sighed and lowered his head. Andrew's hand was still on the back of his neck; warm, safe and caring.
Most certainly Neil would not push beyond his limits, and that meant that he would not be attending any parties that hosted many people. However, it also meant that that ended the list of options he had for a possible Halloween celebration, so no Halloween for Neil this year.
That was fine though. He was fine.
~
On the 31st of October, the Foxes together with the Vixens would be throwing a party at Fox Tower for basically all PSU students who wanted to attend. For that reason, both Neil and Andrew had packed backpacks and were going to Columbia that night. They weren't exactly excited about the idea of being in the same place as a crowd of noisy and drunk college students, so they were just going to be alone at Columbia's house and that was great for them.
Neil was watching with satisfaction as Andrew drove. He was letting his hair grow a little so the blonde strands were spreading all over the air above his head as he drove at high speed with both windows open. Honestly, that was something Neil was a little worried about when Andrew started doing piercing after piercing on his ears because he could only imagine that eventually some of the pieces would get stuck on Andrew's hair and he would end up losing his ear to an earring. This hadn't happened until now though, so he gradually started to calm down a little bit about it.
The house was completely dark when they arrived — obviously — and Neil started to turn on the lights immediately as soon as they entered. Since he was alone with Andrew, he felt comfortable enough to take off the binder and allow himself to breathe a little. There was a sports bra and an oversized sweatshirt that left Neil practically swimming inside the fabric and Andrew had bought them both specifically to drop off at that Columbia house for when Neil needed it. He dressed them.
It was very early, the sun had just set and they still had time to spend before they really had to sleep, but even so, what they did in the first instant they were properly settled inside was to walk to the room and throw themselves on the bed — well, Neil did that, Andrew opened the window and kept close to it while smoking.
They were just there, doing nothing in particular for a while until Andrew gave up first and exhaled a lot of cigarette smoke.
"Staring," he said because it was obvious that he had seen the pair of blue eyes fixed on him.
"I am," Neil grinned and sat in the center of the mattress. "I was thinking."
"Um, that’s bad."
"Yeah, pretty much," he crossed his legs sitting in a butterfly position. "I thought maybe you would like Halloween more."
"Why’s that?"
“You know, this is a celebration with the intention of literally wearing scary clothes, going out for free candy and making mischief. Isn't that your kind of thing?”
"One would think that I'm too old for that."
"Once you put on the costume, it's not like anyone is really going to realize that you're an adult," Neil had a shit-eating grin on his face when he looked Andrew up and down.
In response, Andrew merely leveled him with a bored look and said, "135%"
"The honor is mine," he tilted his head still with the same grin stamping his lips. “But too bad that you didn't want to invest in that. It would be nice."
"You don't even like candy."
"Yeah, double the profit for you, because you could have all of mine."
Andrew stubbed out his cigarette against the wall, closed the window, and took the butt to throw in the bathroom trash.
"What's with your obsession with Halloween all of a sudden?" He asked, walking over to the bed and sitting across from Neil.
“It's just that I never did that. Not really."
“You are not losing much,” Andrew's fingers casually brushed against the other man's firm thigh. By now Neil had proven to him more than once that it was always yes until it was no, and he had done enough for Andrew to trust him about it. They were making progress.
“This is probably true, but I still wanted to try. It would be… good to have experiences that I missed during childhood, so I can properly say what I like or dislike. ”
Andrew rolled his eyes, "Idiot," he mumbled, but Neil just gave him a small smile. "Take the key from the Maserati and go buy food for dinner before the places start to fill up with people."
"You won’t come?"
"No, this is going to be my rest from you."
"Fucker," Neil chuckled. "Any restaurant preferences?"
“Yes, cowboy Brazilian steakhouse.”
"Oh, this one is too far."
"But it's good. Go."
"Ugh, fine," Neil got up to go to the bathroom and put on the binder again but went back a few steps. "Yes?"
Andrew's look at him was a little annoyed, but he said, "Yes."
Smiling, Neil bent down and gave Andrew a chaste kiss on the lips without touching him anywhere else.
"If I take too long to come back, it could be because I stopped to see the Halloween decorations," he said, already walking away again.
"Take your cell phone with you, junkie."
"Um, alright," he hummed. After changing clothes and when he was about to leave, Andrew called Neil once again. "What?"
“I hate you,” Andrew stated, simple and plain.
“Yes, I know,” Neil nodded. "I'll be right back."
Just as he had said he would, Neil stopped several times along the way to look at some houses or establishments with themed decorations that he found interesting. In the back of his mind, he thought a little that if he managed to avoid the crowded places and the fake weapons, maybe he would enjoy Halloween much more than he thought he could.
Save those distractions and the little long wait for the order to be ready at the restaurant, Neil made an almost quick trip to fetch dinner. It was when he got back to the house that things started getting weird.
Andrew was sitting on the front balcony steps, with his elbows propped on his knees and just waiting. He said nothing and the whole situation was bizarre because, besides, the lights in the front of the house were off, and Neil was sure they were on before. He frowned and squeezed the food packages in his hand a little.
"What is happening?" He asked when he finally became too impatient.
Andrew sighed as if he were getting ready to enter a completely no-win situation that he would potentially regret.
“First of all, just another healthy reminder that I hate you. Now, I was waiting to warn you before you came in,” was the only thing he said and, if anything, it just confused Neil even more.
“Alright? Warn about what? There’s a spider in the house and you can’t take it out?”
"Wait here."
Andrew turned his back and walked into the house. Neil waited, as requested. The lights went on one by one and that's when he saw it. The front balcony was a mess of objects. It didn't seem organized at all, it was just as if someone had taken everything they found ahead and threw it together in the same place. Which, as he started to connect the dots, maybe that was really the case.
There were cobwebs, pumpkins, bats, skulls and a whole series of fake Halloween decorations plus black ribbons that were probably nothing if not just another mess to add to the pile.
Andrew was standing at the door frame, looking at him with his arms crossed in front of his chest.
“I found a box with old decorations inside. It’s probably something that Nicky stole in the period when we worked at Eden’s.”
"And then you spread it all over the front of the house and declared it... a what?"
"I don't know, but I hope the kids find it ugly enough not to come here asking for trick or treat," Andrew shrugged.
Neil smiled and spread his arms in an indicative gesture for him to approach. Andrew did this without any resistance and got close enough to run his hands around Neil's waist.
"Why did you do that?" The auburn-haired man asked.
"I couldn't take you whining anymore."
"Admit you like me, it's easier."
"But it's a lie," Andrew was looking at him closely, their faces were only inches away as they talked quietly.
"It is though?"
“136%. What do you want to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"We should come in and eat this wonderful food that smells so good, or do something else that is certainly stupid and nowhere near as good as eating?"
"Are you asking me if I want to go trick or treat, Drew?"
"This is not what I asked and this is nowhere near any of the alternatives that crossed my mind."
"Well, but I want to."
"What a pity."
"You can wear your black clothes, you won't even need to look for some costume, you see?"
They still talked a lot but, obviously, that was a victory for Neil. That was how, many minutes later, Andrew was politely borrowing the makeup that Nicky kept in his room and ordering Neil to sit his stupid ass on the bed and be quiet while Andrew tried to search the depths of his soul for what he remembered about makeup from the emo era of his teen years.
He asked if Neil felt comfortable before applying each product because they already knew that heavy makeup could trigger gender dysphoria, but the makeup was too simple so Neil just nodded for all the questions. Andrew chose to apply only blush, highlighter, contour, very little eyeshadow, and a little white eyeliner under his eyes to give an effect that they were bigger. Neil was wearing the yellow sweatshirt they politely borrowed from Kevin's wardrobe in Columbia, and they would try to go through some costume store to look for any quick and temporary hair dye they could find.
Like the great obsessed with the film Coraline he was, Neil was standing in front of the mirror looking at himself non-stop, and the only thing that got him out of there was Andrew threatening not to leave the house if he couldn't finish his own makeup.
He struggled much more to make his own than Neil's, by the way. Andrew was working with eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara all black, in addition to the contour and a little blush to try to make a makeup that shaped his face like some Tim Burton character. As for clothes, he was wearing only a plain black T-shirt with a striped long-sleeved shirt underneath, skinny pants and a few chains on his belt, other than the usual armbands under the long-sleeved shirt.
All in all, they were ok.
Obviously, Andrew was constantly reciting a long list of curses in his mind, but all it took was a single glance at Neil — almost vibrating with excitement as he waited to go out — for him to still keep cursing a lot but not giving up on the idea.
Ten minutes later they were heading out of the house and locking the door before starting walking down the street.
"We are going to walk slowly and pay attention to where children might be scaring other people so we can avoid these places," Andrew explained. “Follow me and don't get lost. Junkie.”
Neil smiled and lightly rubbed his little finger over Andrew's as he followed him. There was a costume shop near the house, and they went there first, bought a colored hair spray and dyed Neil's hair tips blue — the idiot was much more satisfied with that than it should have been acceptable.
As they were walking down the street and watching the children run by, Neil kept pointing out this or that about what he liked, from other costumes to the color of the wall in a house that, according to him, ‘matched with the Halloween aesthetic’.
Andrew didn’t speak to the same extent, but he was listening carefully. At least it wasn't as completely unpleasant as he imagined.
They held each other's hands when a teenager with a fake chainsaw was nearby and Neil asked for them to take a different route. Andrew accidentally scared a child when the little girl spoke to him thinking he was another child but the moment he opened his mouth to answer, the voice that came out was definitely not a child's. But Neil didn't laugh at it any more than he did when a couple offered them little chocolate bars and Andrew grabbed the two candies and left without even changing his grumpy face.
They managed to walk together carefully and Neil was saving every bit he absorbed from his first Halloween. Neil Abram Josten's first Halloween. That was him healing, that was him overcoming and moving on. He idly wondered if he would ever be able to do more than just walk down the street carefully while occasionally brushing his fingers against Andrew's, but he didn't linger at that thought, because now he had the expectation of something he never had before. Neil had time. He didn't need to think about all the next steps because he would have an opportunity to wait for them.
Neil's hands found Andrew's arm and he held on tight as they walked.
I have time. We have time.
I’m healing.