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Nowadays, when Seungwoo looks at Seungsik, it’s like he’s watching a reflection of himself. Or rather, his past self.
It’s something he can’t quite put his finger on. Maybe it’s the way he carries himself. He seems bigger, now. Like he can fill a whole room in a way he didn’t before. He’s always had a warm presence – Seungwoo has always thought that Seungsik was born under a special sun, because a few words from him and a smile are enough to lighten his surroundings. Even now, sometimes, Seungwoo feels like he’s just a withering flower desperately looking for a source of light, in his presence. He’s always felt like warmth. But there’s something else now. There’s determination. A new weight on his shoulders, a heaviness to the way he stands. And that, Seungwoo can recognize. He’s seen it in the mirror hundreds of times.
It’s still surprising. It’s been months, since he first saw the change. It feels like days. It unsettles him. There’s something wrong about Seungsik having to carry that burden.
He never stops to think about why he was so willing to accept that burden for himself.
Sometimes, when he catches him from the corner of his eyes, something makes him halt, and watch, and think. That’s just like me.
It’s in the way he’s harder on himself than he ever was; in the way his eyes are sharp, now, never missing a single movement. Seungsik is the one who makes decisions, now, and he’s good – he’s good at seeming decisive. But Seungwoo can see, because he was the same. He can see the creeping doubt and the underlying fear. It’s something that never really goes away.
Some of the things he was, he sees them in Seungsik. Some things, he still is. They will probably never go away – it’s the way he is. He’ll never stop worrying. He’ll never stop caring. He’s okay with that. But he feels guilty, sometimes, that this was thrown onto Seungsik. He didn’t have a choice. Seungwoo knows better than anyone, how frightening it is. It’s happened to him twice.
He looks at Seungsik, and worries. Is it too much? Is it selfish, to feel relieved that he’s not in that position anymore? He feels guilty, but he feels lighter too, alleviated. He can do things he's denied himself for years – because he had priorities, and too much sense of self-sacrifice. He doesn’t deny himself anymore, though. And it feels great.
He looks at Seungsik and he sees who he was – but he’s not like that anymore. He’s a little freer.
He looks at Seungsik and he sees part of his own reflection – but that’s not all there is. There is Seungsik too. He’s his own person. He carries some of the burdens Seungwoo used to carry. He holds some of the fears he did. He speaks with the strength he had – still has. But some things are his, and his alone. His warmth. His kindness. His honesty.
When he looks at Seungsik, he sees a reflection of how he was. But he thinks it might be time to stop looking for traces of his past self in him. He can look at his own reflection – he’ll find an old friend, there, in the mirror.