Work Text:
Jiang Cheng's hands were shaking. That, he couldn’t hide at all. What he could and would hide for the rest of his life was the ache in his heart. That, he couldn’t bear letting people be aware of. The least he could do was to pretend nothing was happening inside of him.
It happened two years ago and still he couldn’t sleep at all, because he kept seeing himself pulling and forcing his sword against the black rock of the abyss. Now that he wasn’t angry at all he could see clearly that his older brother carried no fault in the matters that once he himself thought weren’t anyone’s but the other man’s misconduct.
The things he has done to hide from his own heart how much he damned himself only for what he’s done in the battle of the Nightless City ... His hands have never been wetted by blood, but he could see the red liquid dripping from his fingers and staining not only his clothes and shoes but his soul.
He locked himself inside the Lotus Pier as much as he could. He had to move out. He also had to forbid everyone from entering the small house he now lived in, away from the main area of the Jiang sect.
No one was allowed to see or hear him crying to sleep. The scars caused by his lashing at his own back several times a day, every day, was something he couldn’t be allowed to see by himself, but he couldn’t stop from touching some of the marks he could reach with his fingers. And each time he felt each elevation on his skin and it hurt because it was fresh and there was some blood being spread by his own touch, he felt like maybe Wei Wuxian would forgive him a little bit for all of his mistakes.
He was now sat by the table drinking his tea; ignoring the stares. No one dared asking him why he had changed so much in the past years. He distanced himself from every single person in the sect, he had turned cold and would barely be present in the cultivators training. He would show up only in public matters because he was the leader of the Jiang sect and the leader had to be there.
He thought about leaving the Jiang sect. Way too many times. He thought about going far away and starting a new life where no one would ever know where he was from; no one would ever be able to imagine the things he had gone through, because that would make it less hard - not simply easier, it was impossible for it to get easier - to isolate himself since he wouldn’t have to lead anyone or anything.
But he couldn’t.
Leaving the Jiang sect was not an option.
He couldn’t let Wei Wuxian down once more.