Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Why must he be a member of the monarchy?"

"Logan, shush! Pat, what kind of prince?"

"The smartest and bravest and kindest prince, of course!"

"Ha, take that, Lo Lo!"

"It's Logan. And you don't have to sound so smug about it. It's just a bedtime story."

"Roman, be nice to Logan."

"Fine. Sorry, Logan."

"Apology accepted. Can we get back to the story now?"

"Of course! So this prince lived in a magical kingdom, full of cute talking animals and soft fuzzy bees and cute hopping frogs-"

"Are frogs not talking animals as well? You singled them out in particular, so I wonder-"

"Oops! Yes, Logan, they can talk, too."

"Of course, animals can't talk..."

"It's fantasy, calculator watch! Of course they can!"

"Roman, don't call Logan names."

"Sorry, Logan."

"Thank you, Roman. That was very nice of you. Now, the kingdom had one other thing, living on a big mountaintop at the edge of the world. A real, live, fire-breathing dragon! And this dragon lived in a cave..."

"Jan Jan, this story is boring. Liven it up!"

"Don't call me Jan Jan, Remus. And I can't liven it up too much, you know how Virgil feels about your brand of bedtime story, right before it's time for bed."

"It livens up the blood! Ooh, do you think I could make all my blood come out if I got excited enough? Wanna see me try?"

"NO-"

"What Virgil said, I'm afraid. And I'm also afraid I borrowed this copy from Patton, so we're stuck with it."

"At least make the dragon a human-chomping dragon."

"You drive a hard bargain, Remus. Deal."

"Hu-human chomping?"

"Bones everywhere! Covered in blood from its last kill!"

"Janus!"

"Virgil, it's okay. It's just a story. The dragon isn't real. And if Remus knows what's good for him, it's going to remain that way."

"Fine. ...For now."

"Remus, I heard that. Anyway, this human-chomping dragon was bored. Bored of living in his cave, filled to the brim with bones, because it smelled horrendous when it rained and it was rather cramped. So he decided that he would have to find a new home, one that was much roomier and less smelly..."

"Is it a scary dragon? Not- not that I'm afraid! I'm not!"

"You sound afraid, Roman."

"Well, I'm not, Logan, so shut up."

"Roman!"

"...Sorry, Logan."

"It's okay if you're scared, you know. Even princes get scared sometimes! And this prince couldn't help but feel the tiniest bit of fear when he learned that the dragon was on the move! Something had stirred it up from its cave, but what could it be?"

"Perhaps the dragon made its home on a volcano?"

"Why would the dragon do that?"

"Well, Patton did mention that it breathed fire somehow, so perhaps it had an affinity for the area. But now an eruption is imminent, so-"

"That's a really good guess, Logan! But er- no, that's not why. The dragon, the townspeople said, was hungry."

"For people?!"

"For people. And jewels! The dragon wanted all the jewels in the whole kingdom. The girls and boys in the kingdom cried because they loved their jewels and they were some of their prized possessions. But what could they do against a hungry dragon?"

"Kill the blasted thing, of course!"

"Roman, stop interrupting the story."

"Oh, like you even care about the story, you keep trying to prove it wrong... I mean, sorry, Logan."

"The prince began to devise a cunning plan to deal with the dragon once and for all..."

"Boo, I hope the dragon eats him."

"We'll just have to wait and see, won't we? Although may I remind you, Remus, I borrowed this from Patton? There's only so much I can do to work with the illustrations."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

"I hope everyone ends up okay."

"Especially the dragon!"

"Anyway, the big, mean, stupid prince discovered the dragon was on the move and began to hatch a nefarious plan-"

"What's nefarious mean?"

"It means wicked, Remus."

"No fair, the prince coming up with a wicked plan. That's my job."

"Well, there isn't a duke in this story, so I'm afraid you're stuck with the prince. Anyway, he plotted and planned to capture the dragon and keep it in his dungeon forever and ever."

"He- he doesn't win, does he?"

"Just keep listening to the story, Virgil. I promise, it will all turn out fine."

"Okay..."

"What kind of plan did the prince have?"

"He told everyone to take their jewels and hide them, pretending to be poor servants who had never seen a jewel in their lives. When the dragon came, breathing fire and roaring, it was met with silence. Silence and...the prince!"

"I'm not sure this plan makes any sense. Surely the dragon can sense jewels in some fashion, if that's what it is focused on. I doubt an entire populace would be able to hide their jewels in such a manner if-"

"Oh, shut it, white and nerdy, this is interesting."

"Roman!"

"Sorry, Logan."

"Anyway, maybe it wasn't the greatest plan, but it was a plan. And it worked! The dragon was confused and the prince easily defeated it with his sword. He didn't kill the dragon-"

"Pity."

"Roman! He didn't kill the dragon, but he did imprison it. And then the entire city had a giant party to celebrate, never having to worry about the dragon again..."

"Oh, for the love of- This plan is stupid."

"What is it, Jan Jan?"

"Never mind. All right, instead of this dumb shi- stuff, how about this. The prince told everyone in the land to use their baby teeth as jewels instead of their ordinary finery. When the dragon showed up, tired and just looking for a place to lay his head, he was confused as he-  heck by all the teeth everywhere. So much so that he decided to leave the kingdom alone entirely. The prince tried to stop him, but he hit the prince with one swipe of his massive tail."

"Good for him!"

"Yes, Remus.  It knocked the prince out and made him imagine there was a celebration going on. In the meantime, the dragon went to the next kingdom and found an amazing cave that was much bigger than his old one, where he could chomp stray humans to his heart's content. The end."

"What happened to the prince?"

"He was overthrown in a coup."

"I have no idea what that means, but I love it already."

"I'll tell you later, Remus. Now it's time for bed."

"The dragon won't get me, will he?"

"No, Virge. The dragon only eats grown ups who are bad and dumb."

"Oh. Okay. Night, Jan."

"Good night, Virgil. Go to bed, Remus."

"One more story?"

"No. You've already had two. My voice is tired. Go to bed."

"Only if you sing to me!"

"Fine. But then you're going to sleep."

"Sing this one! Certified freak. Seven days a week."

"You aren't supposed to even know that song, you get Disney and you'll like it!"

"Fiiiine. Night, Jan Jan."

"Good night, Remus. Sleep tight. Don't let the hypocritical piety of the light sides bite."

"What?"

"I mean, don't let the bed bugs bite."

"But that's the best part of waking up!"

"No, Remus. It's really not."