Chapter Text
Akaashi Keiji needed a safe place to bear being with his mother. His father died short after Akaashi was born, so he didn’t have any memories with him. But what mattered most to him about that was that his mother hadn’t take it well, transforming from a sweet woman in love, to a strict, conservative person. At least that was what his family always told him. Akaashi’s distant family praised the woman his mother was now, proud of how she had “corrected” herself and how the person she was before was weak and naive; someone who wasn’t worth of being welcomed in her own family.
That’s why Keiji needed a safe place. Even if his mother had gone through a lot, Keiji couldn’t forgive her for the way she treated him: forcing him to act as this perfect son who would never defy his mother. His family, his mother, and the world were a threat to him. So, when he met Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi knew he had found that safe place.
The spiker was such a comprehensive and genuine person, that even if he wasn’t reliable in a game (taking into account all his mood changes), Akaashi found himself unable to stay away from him. It was as if life itself was telling him “he´s gonna protect you, he´s gonna care about you. Stay with him and everything will be fine”.
By the end of the first day of Akaashi’s first day of high school, the setter and the spiker became friends, and a couple months later they were inseparable. Everyone on the team couldn’t quite understand why or how the first-year setter could understand Bokuto so well. They were astonished with the way Akaashi always knew how to make Bokuto get back into his good mood. Most of them had spent all last year not knowing how to deal with him and just letting him feel better on his own; but Akaashi knew the spiker as good as the palm of his hand.
Though it wasn’t just that Keiji understood Bokuto; the spiker did too. Even if the team didn’t notice, the setter couldn’t ignore how Bokuto was always hyping his friends, how he always tried to comfort his teammates. How he was unconditionally there for them, for Akaashi. And because all of these supportive attitudes weren’t one sided, Keiji could call him his safe place.
Keiji felt so safe when he was with Koutarou. He didn´t think about his mother, and all his problems seemed so simple. With Koutarou by his side, he felt that he could even confront his mother. Not that he would do it, but the feeling didn´t cease to reassure him. He felt that nobody understood him so well as the spiker, and that even if he was childish, he was the strongest person he knew. Bokuto always made him give the 120% of himself and always pushed him forward.
And Akaashi was there for Bokuto each time he needed. Whether it was with training, friendship or trust. The setter always believed in Bokuto: in his skills, his hunches and in everything he said. Because Bokuto was the most honest and caring person Akaashi knew.
His other teammates were also reliable and amazing friends, but Bokuto was different. He was a star. A star Akaashi was lucky enough to have. Everything seemed insignificant compared with their friendship. They were the protagonists of the world.
Throughout all their high school years, their friendship evolved, especially in Bokuto’s last tournament. So many things happened; Akaashi being off, Bokuto telling him they were gonna win, and then, loosing. When they lost, Akaashi couldn’t tell Bokuto anything. He didn’t know what to say to his best friend, to his ace; to his safe place. The only thing Akaashi wanted in that moment was to make Bokuto feel good, to return everything Koutarou made him feel, and be Bokuto’s safe place.
After hearing what Konoha told Bokuto, he knew that their ace would be fine. He knew Bokuto would ask him to toss to him for hours to improve, to continue fighting, to win every game he had. Yet Akaashi couldn’t help but feel strange. He started feeling something he didn’t recognize, but it was so strong it physically ached him. The only feeling he could recognize was one he knew too well. One that he never felt around Koutarou. Fear. Fear for what he had just realized.
Keiji had lied to himself for so long, but the truth was so evident in that moment that he had no choice but to accept that he was in love with Bokuto. And nothing had ever scared him that much. This was the worst-case scenario Akaashi could think of. He started to feel like he was driven to the past, to all the conversation his mother had have with him, and to all the slaps that came with them.
He couldn’t be in love with a boy. He couldn’t be in love with a boy his mother knew. He couldn’t be in love with Koutarou-
But why?
How could he not be in love with him. He was his safe place. He knew him better than he knew himself. And even knowing that he lied to himself about who he was, he could be the most genuine version of himself with Koutarou. How could he not be in love with Koutarou. With the purest person life had showed to him. The most determined, loving, and beautiful person. The person life had given him. His safe place.
Feeling love, *romantic* love for the spiker was such a contradiction with everything he had been taught that he couldn’t hide the guilt he was feeling. Accepting this was such a duel to Keiji, he quickly changed clothes to avoid going with the third years on the train. It felt so wrong escaping from Koutarou, Akaashi couldn’t control himself to grab his phone a couple times to call him. Afterall, he was heading to his house. Where his mother was expecting for him. Where punish would welcome him.
But Akaashi had learned something with all the “talks” he had had with his mother: if he knew he was gonna be punished, it would be better if he was alone.
He turned off his phone.
The moment he got home, he couldn’t even look at his mother in the eyes. He didn’t want her to read the look on his face. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes. Keiji hated disappointing people, even if it was someone like his mother.
A big part of him almost hated his mother. That part wanted to hate his mother. But the other part loved her. Or at least the person she was before he was born. The person he imagined as his safe place before meeting Bokuto. A mother that loved him and accepted him and would never hurt him. A person that would trust him, and that he could trust in.
When his mother noticed he was home, she tried going in for a hug, since her son had lost an important game. But Akaashi unconsciously moved away from her. Even Keiji was surprised by this. He had to be the perfect son, and the perfect son had to love his mother and reach for her. Akaashi had to be this person. But at the end of the day, he was just a human. A human who has his limits.
“Look at me, Keiji.” His mother said firmly, with her imposing tone.
Keiji shuddered. He tried to think of nice things, but in his mind, an image of Koutarou and him smiling immediately popped. His mind automatically went to his safe place; did what it thought would make Keiji feel better. Keiji’s mind thought of Bokuto to calm himself, to try to deny all the bad feelings he had whenever he was near his mother.
But in these circumstances, that ended up scaring him even more, making him move away from his mother, crashing a lamp in the process. Keiji heard how it cracked, and turned his gaze down to the broken lamp with big, scared eyes. He closed his eyes as fast as he could to try to think he was in another situation. To think he was safe. But Bokuto wasn’t with him. He wasn’t safe.
He heard his mother’s heavy breathing approaching him. He already knew this situation to well. His brain repeatedly made him remember each time he had been hit, mostly in his dreams. He knew his body should react to his aggressor moving towards him, but he was so tired; of his feelings, of trying to avoid this, of trying to feel that he belonged somewhere. Keiji was hitting his limit and had no energy to move.
He couldn’t control his body. Couldn’t move. Didn’t know what to do. His thoughts were divided, thinking about giving up and asking himself what the hell to do. After all these years he still hadn’t figured out what to do when his mother slapped him. His left cheek burned as his brain barely processed what his mother was yelling at him. He could hear something like “disappointed”, “clean”, “fuck”, “abort” and things like that. Nothing that surprised him really, though it still hurt.
It hurt to know that your mother doesn’t love you. To know that most people would prefer you hadn’t been born. To know that even if you had someone special, being with him would bring you even more pain.To know that you weren’t yourself around anyone, and that even if they loved you, that wasn’t you. All of these made him feel so tired. So weak. Keiji just wanted to give up. What was the point of going on? He would only suffer and feel pain. It’s not like he would get rid of his mother anytime close. And Bokuto would probably find a nice girlfriend in college and slowly start forgetting him. Akaashi felt so alone it was barely bearable.
Akaashi waited until his mother sighed and left the room to clean up what was left from the lamp. He noticed the design of the lamp and felt his heart ache when he noticed it was one of his dad’s lamps. Keiji didn’t like admitting it, but he couldn’t get rid of the anger he felt towards his dad for dying. He didn’t know what had happened to him. It was a prohibited topic within his family (one of many), so nobody had ever told him why he wasn’t with him. And Keiji’s thoughts where rarely on his side. He didn’t really care about what had happened to him in moments like these. The only thing his mind focused on was ‘why’.
Why had his dad given up on his family, leaving him with this monster called mom? Would things be better if he was here? Or would it be the same? Would he be the same as his mother, or would he support him? Akaashi didn’t like wasting time in questions he couldn’t answer. Especially question he had been asking himself since he had memory. He would never know nothing about him, and he didn’t know how he felt about that.
He slowly cleaned everything up and went upstairs to his room. His room was next to his mother’s and he was sure that if she heard him cry, he would get another slap. It wouldn’t be the first time. Akaashi had already learned that crying was the worst he could do, but trying to hold himself from crying made him feel even more overwhelmed, made his throat tighten even more.
Keiji thought of his safe place: Koutarou. But this only made him feel worse with all the things that had happened that day. He felt how his heart physically ached, noticing how he had lost his safe place. Now every time he would think of Koutarou, he would feel guilty. Guilty for being the way he was. For having feelings for his best friend. And sad. Cause Koutarou was going to college, meaning they would not be able to see each other every day anymore. And it wasn’t only Bokuto, but all the third years. All of his friends.
He couldn’t survive being alone again. Throughout all his childhood, Keiji had to deal with his feelings alone, but his body had learned a coping mechanism: thinking of someone he loved. First it was this ideal mom, which didn’t work out so well. But then, life showed him Bokuto. The star that came to save his life.
Without the spiker, Akaashi feared he would finally give up. But not in the sense of dying. There was something worse than that. Akaashi knew that alone, he would have to live a lie. He knew that he would not be able to control himself from becoming the son his mother wanted. Because, at the end of the day, if he didn’t have any friends, why was it worthy to be himself?
Yet, he couldn’t help but wonder, who the hell was the real Akaashi Keiji? How was that person? Who would he be if he could just be free?
Without Koutarou, would he ever get the opportunity to live? Akaashi knew the answer to that. Today it was not a day to lie to himself. Without his star he wouldn’t get the chance to find out who he is. He would be alone, miserable. Nobody would love him.
In the best scenario, his mother would find a nice woman and would engage them. And Keiji should feel loved. But how can someone love you if they don´t know you? If you just show them what you want?
All of Akaashi’s thoughts started consuming him, and before he knew it, he was sobbing violently. He couldn’t control anything. He felt as if he was being chocked by all of his family at the same time. If he lost Bokuto, Keiji would just be a puppet, and by loving him, he had already lost him.
Keiji didn’t sleep until 6 am.
Akaashi woke up because of someone knocking his house’s door. He checked the clock beside his bed. It read 12:00 pm. Keiji wasn’t going to school because of the marks his mother left him. They always did it this way so that nobody would notice. Remembering there was someone outside, Keiji started panicking. Was it one of his aunts? A co-worker of his mom? Quickly, Keiji noticed that, whoever that person was, he would have to pretend. Act. He felt that after all this time, he should be able to have the courage to stop playing the game his mother wanted him to play. He should be brave enough to stand up for himself.
But he wasn’t. He never would be able to be the person he wanted to be, the person he truly was. But did he even deserve it? Did he deserve to be himself? Wasn’t he a curse to his mother? To all of his family? Being himself would only bring him pain. Nobody accepted gay people. He felt so weak. Why did he even think he deserved anything other than this? He was a coward, weak disappointment.
He had heard so many times that everyone had a purpose in this world, but how would someone like him make a change. And even if it was a selfish thought, did he really have to go through all of this pain just because he had a “mission”? Because thinking about it, Keiji didn’t hesitate to tell himself it wasn’t worth it.
Akaashi hadn’t noticed that he had spaced out until someone knocked his door. He was still wearing pajamas, his hair was messed up and he had big eye bags. He shivered, scared of what his mother would do to him, but then he heard Bokuto’s voice. His body reacted before his thoughts could continue destroying him. His whole body relaxed just by hearing Bokuto’s characteristic voice. He forgot about everything that had happened the day before as all of his thoughts focused on one thing. He was safe.
“Akaashi, are you there?” The spiker asked gently. His voice made Akaashi relax even more in bed. He felt so relieved he never wanted Bokuto to go away. But then he remembered all that had happened the day before, and Akaashi started to panic. His heart raced up and he couldn´t control his breathing. He felt as if he was suffocating. And the only way he knew how to calm down, now was gone. He couldn’t think of Koutarou, specially now that they were a door apart.
Akaashi tried calming his heart and steading his breathing. He tried to control his fast breathing. But his thoughts didn´t let him. How was he supposed to face him right now? He had a bruise on his face, could barely move, and probably had red eyes because of crying. Not to mention his eyebags. He couldn’t make Koutarou worried, he didn´t deserve it. He probably already had too much in his head so, what the hell was he supposed to do?
A part of Akaashi’s mind was practically yelling at him that Bokuto would be more than fine helping him get over these thoughts. But rationality was never on his side when his anxiety took over.
Akaashi gathered all the strength he usually reserved for his mother and whispered. “Bokuto-san?”
Keiji heard the door open and froze beneath the bed sheets. He couldn´t move a single muscle. His back was facing the door, which didn’t let him see Bokuto. Akaashi felt so weak and tired he couldn’t even change positions, and Bokuto didn’t take long to notice. He sat in Akaashi’s bed, in a border Akaashi could see without moving. But still it was hard to see each other. The lights of the room were off and the curtains closed. Even if Akaashi couldn’t see more than the spiker’s silhouette, he knew Bokuto was worried about him.
This made him feel so guilty he hid beneath the sheets, covering all of his face. Bokuto stayed uncommonly silent, but Akaashi felt how the body next to him gently moved to hold his hands and uncover him.
“Akaashi, are you okay?” The spiker whispered. Keiji heard the worried tone Bokuto had, and started imagining his friend’s frown, and his face tilted to its left side; expression he used when he was confused about anything.
Akaashi couldn’t bring himself to speak, feeling to overwhelmed with his feelings. Holding hands with Bokuto wasn’t something that happened frequently and Akaashi’s thoughts were running through his mind faster than they have ever been. It felt so intimate and so- right. The setter couldn’t begin to understand why his mother, or why society thought this was awful.
Still immersed in his thought, Akaashi stayed quiet. He couldn’t lie to Bokuto, but he didn’t want to make his friend more concerned. He still couldn’t think of what to say when Bokuto moved again, closer. Akaashi suddenly felt arms surrounding him. He felt the warmth of Bokuto’s body, and his body couldn’t resist to move closer to Bokuto. They were both struggling with the bed sheets, but Akaashi’s mind was much more focused on the spiker. He could feel Bokuto’s face getting closer and closer to his; the setter started feeling the other’s breath.
“I’m here for you.” Bokuto whispered to his ear. Akaashi couldn’t avoid shivering, having the spiker this close to him. Even if people saw Bokuto hugging his friends constantly, every time he did it, he really meant to transmit all the emotions that a hug was supposed to give you. Support, love, concern. Akaashi had never been able to control his heartbeat when it happened. “Take all the time you need to talk. I’ll wait for you.”
His whole body relaxed while Bokuto hugged him tighter. Even his heart decided not to think of his crush in Bokuto. It was as if his whole body knew he just needed the support, romantically or not. But suddenly Keiji couldn’t move. He noticed something Bokuto had said and his throat tighten.
‘I’ll wait for you.’
Those were the only words Akaashi needed in that moment, and he hadn’t noticed. Keiji couldn’t understand how Koutarou always knew what he needed. It was just as he thought. Not only did he know how to handle Bokuto, but Bokuto did the same with him. It was as if their souls understood each other.
Akaashi memorized everything about the spiker in order to help him in every possible situation. And in return, Bokuto was the best person he could have asked to accompany him. The spiker talked so much, most people didn’t pay attention to the half of it. But his setter listened to everything. And everything that came out of Bokuto’s mouth was a meditated phrase of comfort; a promise that everything would be fine, that he was there for whoever needed him. Few people knew how special Bokuto was. And only Akaashi knew Bokuto was all he needed.
All of his life, Akaashi had been manipulated by other people. To act a certain way. To make certain friends. To like and do certain things. To accomplish certain goals. To be a person molded by his mother and family. He had never taken the time to know who he really was. Who he loved. Who he wanted to be. What he wanted to do. All was already planned by his mother, but with Bokuto he could dream about another life. One where he could do what he wanted and love who he wanted and act like he wanted; indifferent about not meting his mother’s expectations. With Bokuto, he could be free.
Bokuto was more than just his safe place. Bokuto was his dream. His safe life.
Bokuto was his only hope.
Akaashi stayed quiet for so much time he was afraid Bokuto would get up in any minute; tell him to go to school. Or worse, turning on the light and seeing Akaashi. He wanted to answer to the spiker’s question but he didn’t know what to say.
‘Are you okay?’
There was so much he wanted to tell his best friend that he didn’t know where to start. He wanted to tell him everything, but wouldn´t it be too much? Wouldn’t it be too hard? Not only for him, but for Bokuto too. After all, if he wanted to finally tell the truth, he would have to admit out loud that his entire life was a lie. Well no, not all. Bokuto and him weren’t a lie. They were the protagonists of the world. And even if Akaashi was just one of the many things Bokuto thought about every day, he was sure the spiker cared about him a lot. He knew he was important to him, and this made him feel really guilty. How had he been able not to tell Bokuto in these two years? Would Bokuto be mad that he hadn’t told him before?
‘Stop!’ He yelled in his mind. He didn’t have time to overthink things. Bokuto was his friend, and deserved to know the truth. The consequences didn’t matter. In the worst case, Bokuto would get mad for some time. But Akaashi was sure that their friendship wasn’t fragile enough to fall apart because of this.
Akaashi felt so tired emotionally, he just needed to say something. Anything. So he started with the first thing that came up to his mind. “Thank you.” Akaashi said with a raspy voice. He almost had not talked in the whole day so his voice needed some time to adjust itself. The sound made Bokuto jump with fright, and Akaashi couldn’t help but giggle. That made Bokuto smile and hug his friend closer.
“No need for thanks, it’s what friends are for.”
Auch. Akaashi didn’t expect his heart to ache this much because of a simple word. His mind ignored the fact that Bokuto was still there. Listening to him. Waiting for him. And it just focused in the word ‘friends’. Akaashi knew it would be hard to listen to Bokuto saying that, but he hated the fact that it affected him this much. It was not as if just because he had realized about his feelings, Bokuto would suddenly treat him like his boyfriend.
‘Boyfriend’. That sounded so nice, yet so unapproachable.
All these destructive thoughts started making it really hard just to breath, and Bokuto looked at him worried when Akaashi pushed him from the hug in order to breath. Even when everyone on the team had already watch him have an anxiety attack, moving away from him probably made Bokuto feel bad. And that thought alone made things so much worse. He didn’t want to make Bokuto feel bad. He felt so suffocated by all the things he was keeping to himself. He needed to tell everything to Bokuto. He owed him the truth about himself. How could he have been lying to his best friend for this long? How did he know Bokuto wouldn’t get mad and leave him? How could he tell him he was ga-
“Akaashi, focus on anything but your thoughts. Anything you’re thinking in this moment is plain self-destructive.” Keiji felt how Bokuto wiped his tears, but his throat kept closing and closing. “You can tell me anything or nothing. You don’t owe me anything.” Akaashi was so desperate to yell at Bokuto that he owed him his life. That without him he would just crack like ice. But all he could manage to get out of his mouth were coughs.
Bokuto quickly patted his back and waited for Keiji to answer. Akaashi’s mind went through his memories with Bokuto. His mother was not there to punch him for being in love with Bokuto, and he was so used to doing this when he felt bad, he couldn’t stop it. He started regulating his respiration by thinking in the first time he had watched Bokuto play; the time he decided he would go and play in Fukurodani for the next three years. Remembering Bokuto play calmed him down so easily even he was surprised.
After calming down, Akaashi didn’t waste time. He owed to Bokuto the truth. Of everything. He couldn’t back off with this. He couldn’t be a coward right now. Bokuto didn’t deserve that. “I-“ Akaashi stuttered, not sure if he should say this out loud in his house. He was so scared of his mother, even if she was out, working. And even with that, all of his cells where practically yelling him to talk. His soul was telling him to do it. His heart couldn’t bear lying anymore.
“I have a lot of things to tell you.”