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Kageyama had always liked to think that when the opportunity presented, he’d make others happy even if he wasn’t quite pleased with it himself. He liked to think he wasn’t completely selfish. Right now, sitting on his porch, watching the nightfall with a volleyball in his hand, he understood that it wasn’t true. He wasn’t a generous person, he wasn’t self-sacrificial, maybe he wasn’t a good person at all. But right now, he didn’t care. He looked down at his phone to check the time. Five hours. In five measly hours, everything would change, yet nothing would really change. His parents would still be asleep, his house would still be quiet and the sun would still rise. He felt a knot in his throat and his heart was pounding. He was so close to having it all, one point away from winning a match until a wild card had been pulled out. He had always hated those romantic movies Miwa had forced him to watch, always found them useless. They contained no volleyball and they were unrealistic. Yet, right now, he thought that his life wasn’t far from a movie.
He should be preparing to leave for the airport in a while, he should be thinking of hugging him goodbye, telling him to have safe travels and text him when he reaches but he can’t. He can’t because Kageyama is selfish but so is he , for leaving him like this. He looked up, his eyes bursting to the seams with tears that hadn’t quite fallen yet, and to ignore them he looked at his phone again and there was a lone text.
2:00 am
Suga - You should really be there Kageyama. I won’t force you but I don’t want you to have regrets. Let me know if you change your mind.
He wouldn’t. He is nothing if not resolute. So he tossed the ball upwards, hitting it again and again till his mind is knee-deep in the thought of big olive eyes and tiny hands in his big ones and that one time Kageyama had been eating alone, feeling sorry for himself when he had felt him slide in. How could he leave after giving him so much hope? He tossed the ball up again, except he didn’t have it in him to catch it this time and it fell, bouncing till it landed on the front of his driveway. He kept looking up though, thinking of whether he’d see the plane Hinata would be seated in, in just four hours and 49 minutes. When his eyes finally landed on the ground, he saw the ball at the foot of a scuffed shoe. His mind had blocked out all sounds. His volleyball concentration was on, except even the ball hadn’t registered.
He looked up and immediately felt his throat choking up. Even in sadness, Hinata’s face always held hope, determination, a promise to do better. He saw none of that today.
“This was your grand plan then. Sit here and mope.”
He looked down because he couldn’t afford the tears. He didn’t even say a word because anything coming out of his mouth would sound pathetic.
“Will you do me the favor of looking up, Baka.”
He deliberated whether it was worth it, and only when he decided that he deserved some punishment for his selfishness, did he finally look up. It wasn’t worth it, to see Hinata in his white hoodie, wearing that friendship bracelet that he had spent several hours learning to make on youtube before dropping it ever so casually in Hinata’s gym bag. He had denied all accusations of having any hand in its creation but Hinata knew, he always did. His inability to look away had his eyes land on the dog tags Tanaka had made sure everyone on the team wore because he had seen it in an American film and thought it was cool. Kageyama kept looking and he was only hurting himself but he couldn’t look away till his eyes landed on the bags.
“Don’t you have a flight to catch”
“Kageyama, please, I’m here for you.”
He didn’t say anything, simply got up and picked up one of his bags before walking inside, holding the door open till Hinata walked in, shimmying out of his shoes as he entered, keeping his other bags down. There were no words to express what he felt, so he just gave him a look before walking upstairs, Hinata in tow, when he held his hand, like he had done so many times. On all of those occasions, he had felt his heart flutter but this time he felt it break. They walked into his room, laying on the bed, side by side, their hands barely touching.
Kageyama didn’t quite realize when the tears started rolling down, but once they did, they weren’t stopping.
He knew the exact number of times he had cried in front of someone, it was zero. He usually held his frustrations, pinning it to the workboard that was his chest, before letting it out in spaces where no one could see him. Except Hinata meant so much to him that it hurt to let him go and hurt to keep his tears a secret. And now that he was here in his bed, he didn’t know how he would ever let him leave. He couldn’t stop crying and Hinata was sitting up, his hand on Kageyama’s hair, stroking it.
“I really really really love you, Baka. And if you cry like this, then how will I ever leave? You know why I have to right?”
Kageyama knew. He would do the same. Who wouldn’t, or maybe he won’t. Maybe he’d stay in Japan, by Hinata’s side for as long as possible.
He felt juvenile, downright childish but he had to ask, “If you love me, why are you leaving?”
Hinata’s hand was on his cheek now, running circles on it.
“Because I’ll never know if I’m actually good or if it’s just you that makes me good”
He understood that fear. Maybe Hinata didn’t realize, but he held that insecurity too so how was it fair that he got to leave to test it out and Kageyama had to stay and suffer.
“Say it back, Baka, tell me you love me”
Kageyama felt so much more than just love. He felt the sun on his face when he was around Hinata, this warmth in his heart that spread everywhere. He meant everything, he was a friend, a teammate and because boyfriend felt too sophomoric, he was his partner and now he had to let him go, he had to let go of the one person who made things easy.
“Please don’t leave” The me was left out but all the tears and the tantrums had heavily implied it.
He felt a kiss on his forehead and felt Hinata slide down in bed, pulling on his arm and before he knew it, orange hair that smelled like strawberries was tickling his chin.
“I’m going to tell Oikawa-san that I actually made the king cry.”
Kageyama huffed out a wet laugh through all the snot and tears as Hinata settled in the crook of his armpit.
“And this is mine now.” He said pointing to his hoodie and Kageyama thought it looked better on Hinata anyway, so he just nodded. The conversation faded but Kageyama never even gave it a fighting chance. All the best moments between them had been silent and he wanted to create another one right here. So he played with Hinata’s hair who pressed a soft kiss on his cheek. There was nothing sexual about this moment but it held so much love, that he didn’t know where he would quite store it all once Hinata left.
Once again, his fingers drew circles on Kageyama’s chest and he watched him. He heard a mocking ‘ creep’ fall out of Hinata’s lips and the corners of his own turned up a little at it.
“I wish we could do our attack one last time.”
“We were pretty cool, right?”
“Mhm, I wonder who’ll hit a toss of mine like that ever again, or if there will be anyone”
“Save it for me”
Always, he’d always wait for Hinata, wait to be on the same side of the court again. They sat there in silence, Hinata’s fingers still roaming on his chest, and Kageyama still wondering how he’d recover from this when Hinata’s phone went off. He didn’t know where the time went, but it evaporated only for them to be in this moment, the one where Hinata had to leave.
“I asked the taxi-service to come to your address. So, it’ll be here soon.”
He wanted to give a sign of acknowledgment but all he had to offer was his face riddled with fear, till Hinata’s palm was on his cheek and for the first time that night lips coated with sickly sweet lip balm were pressed against his chapped ones and he let himself have this, kissing back.
He didn’t know how long they kissed for, but they both had their faces slick with tears when they did pull back.
He felt his memory black-out because before he knew it, Hinata was in the car, his bags in the trunk, window rolled down as Kageyama bent down to say goodbye, except that wasn’t what came out. “I’ll come with you ” He would be an idiot to waste whatever time he got with him. He got in, clad in pajamas and a t-shirt with a stain, still wearing slippers but he had never been one to dress for the occasion. Hinata had just smiled before opening the door, shifting to make space.
The entire way, they both just looked out of their windows, their fingers intertwined. Neither wanted the car ride to end.
But it did, and just before the car stopped at the airport and Kageyama looked out to see the small crowd outside the terminal consisting of everyone that had ever loved Hinata, had cared for him and in return been cared back for, everyone who had felt the comfort of that smile, was there. The entire team, Kiyoko and Yachi included, Kuroo, Kenma, and even Bokuto who had all managed to make their way there. It felt stupid but a part of him held onto the fact that out of all them, Hinata had come for him.
“My parents couldn't bear to be here either, they said they couldn’t bear to see me make my way into the airport, so I wouldn’t have held it against you but I would have always wished that I would get to see your face as long as I can.” He squeezed Kageyama’s hand and just as Hinata opened the door, he closed his eyes and said it
“I love you. More than you love me. And I’m making this a competition, and right now I’m winning because you’re leaving me. So you better come back and make it even”
Hinata turned around and the sunshine smile on his face said everything. He got out, with Kageyama in tow who was met with Daichi’s approving nod and Suga’s hand on his back for support. Hinata was swarmed and Kageyama watched, with a quivering heart.
And after all the hugs and the hair ruffling and the small knick-knacks had been gifted, when it was finally time for him to leave and there was simply no more sand in this part of the hourglass, Hinata turned to Kageyama. They had never been the kind to be very open with their affection, not that much of it had been expressed even behind closed doors, but this was too precious to be hidden. So Kageyma hugged him like there was no tomorrow and Hinata’s head was buried in his shoulder when he whispered the last words he’d say to him, face to face in a while
“Wait for me”
“I always have and always will.”
He felt the kiss, right next to his earlobe and a soft I love you before Hinata was pulling away, wheeling his bags away from him into the airport and Kageyama just stared till he wasn’t visible anymore. He felt an arm rubbing his back as everyone who felt any affection for Hinata watched him leave and Kageyama wondered whether he’d ever get to meet somebody who could replicate what Hinata meant for him.
He already knew the answer to that.